The Green Condom íà àíãëèéñêîì

Àíäðåé Àáèíñêèé
One day I was going to a fishing trip. Everyone knows that the best bait for a smelt is a thin strips of trivial condom, impaled on the hook. And, tellingly, this fish prefer only the green one.  If you seduce her with another color, you will stay with your own and return home without a catch. As we say, been there and done that.

My fishing tackle is always ready and I ordered my wife, Klava to by the bait for the smelt.

At the pharmacy window near Claudia was a small queue – tall gentleman with glasses and the three ladies of different age and thickness.

 “I need a condom, please”, said Claudia, slightly embarrassed.
“How many d’you want?” asked the red-haired girl in white.
“ One...”
“One… Only that?!” said apothecary with barely perceptible sarcasm.
“Yes, one is o’key”, replied Claudia. “My husband said that one will be enough for more than twenty baits...”
   
 The queue began to listen to the conversation and was slightly aroused. The tall gentleman took off his glasses and directed them to Klava like a monocle.
   
The girl fiddled under the counter and threw on the stall a little packet with the image of a long-eared rabbit.

 “It will cost you twenty-five rubles”
“So expensive?!”
“ Hah, what d’you want? We all have to pay for a pleasure”, grinned chemist.
“Excuse me, ma'am. What color is it?” asked Claudia rummaging in her purse.
“What's the difference?” said the sprightly girl. “As I think, this is a dark matter...
“Not in every case”, said experienced gentleman calmly.

     The girl brought a packet to her eyes, squinted and looked at lumen. Then wore glasses and read on the package: “Orange”

“Orange, then”, said the polite gentleman. “The color of ripe orange”.
“Orange color does not suit for us”, said Claudia. “We are going to fish. We need only the green one.

All in the queue pricked up their ears. The fat lady grunted and began to blow her nose into a handkerchief.

“What's the difference? May be you want this chip with the taste of salmon or red caviar?” slowly and forcefully asked the pharmacist.  “We don’t have fish-flavored items. I can offer the cream, chocolate or strawberry...

Klava rounded her eyes and whispered incredulously: “Are there also such?”
"This is for gourmets," the polite gentleman explained in a whisper.

     The female half of the queue began to show impatience:
“Sorry, dear fisherwoman!  Can you do it a little quicker?” said the thin lady of conductor's appearance. “With your gum I'll be late for dinner, or lose my appetite altogether!”

The tall gentleman turned to the women and rose to defend the embarrassed Klava. “Hush, my dear! Don’t make so terrible noise! The question is not so trivial! Just imagine - a man on fishing, in a green camouflage and with orange it! All the fish will die of laughter!

"That's it… that's why I need the green one," said the crimson Klava.
"For disguise, is it?" asked another fat lady.
“No, it's for my husband’s hook”, answered the embarrassed Claudia.

In the silence the apothecary rustled with cellophane.

"Keep your husband for a… hat," she said loudly, handing out a green bag. “The green condom!”

Klava grabbed the purchase and hiding her face rushed to the door.
 
"Good fishing for you!"  a kind gentleman wished to her.
“To hell!” Said Klava with all her heart.

     Should I describe what was at home?
 
      Family scandal was managed to make up for only a generous catch. And smelt, as you know, is a very delicious fish and smells like a fresh cucumbers ...