12636
11:12am.
Today, while we were having breakfast, A told me about something interesting. Before we started talking, I had offered to her to do a “psychoanalysis” to help her figure out why she feels nervous when I’m present. She said she can’t understand what’s going on. She started talking about her emotional state and found a contradiction between her feelings and her mind. I kept silent almost for the entire breakfast while she continued to talk. She said she didn’t have anything like that before, stressed the role of defensive mechanisms, emphasized that she felt hard pressure whenever I criticized her desires or claimed that certain things she wanted made no sense. When she is alone, she always knows what to do and feels great, but when we are together, she can’t do anything. Sometimes, she even refuses to do what she wants only because I offer to do that. She feels as if I always forced her to think in a certain way, to do certain things; while if she is doing something on her own, she feels as if I didn’t approve of that.
I think her problem may be that she can’t share with me her deep thoughts and emotions. She is afraid of being judged, and there is a kind of unintentional interaction between “the child” and “the parent” that creates an obstacle in our communication.
I think I can be more attentive when it comes down to our interactions, both verbal and non-verbal. Whenever she says something, I have to pay attention, do not interpret it immediately in this or that way, and later reflect on her utterances in this diary. I’m inclined to think that reflecting on it is gonna be quite useful, though it’s probably unnecessary to do it all the time. I also need to find a way to encourage her to talk more, making her feel comfortable while she’s doing it. It’s not an unresolvable problem. I guess I have enough power to tackle it. But I should be smart, being able to distinguish my analysis from our communication and keep them separate.
3:02pm.
Made Russian subtitles for 1/3 of the video. It turned out quite original, since after the intro with clips, I stopped translating the speech and created a totally different meaning, which was a sort of an imaginary viewer’s stream of consciousness.
Back: http://proza.ru/2022/09/18/555
Next: http://proza.ru/2022/09/22/1297