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Every time I think that my relationship with A has ended, reality shows exactly the opposite result.
The last few days were probably the most spectacular days we’ve ever experienced together. There is even a probability that a baby may come out as a consequence of that. A baby! This was the first time in my life when I did it purposefully. It means that now, as never before, I have to learn how to be a good partner, especially in terms of handling conflicts. I guess I have to talk about what it means to be a “good” partner with her. Resolving conflicts is something I wanna learn about by reading scientific papers and watching lectures.
Whatever we’re doing right now, I’d better use this diary to describe it, so that I can understand it better, instead of criticizing everything. Is it worth trying to focus on the positive? Am I not honest? Am I talking about irrelevant things? What is relevant now? Complaining about my lost freedom? Did I really lose it? What if I’m a fool in this situation? What if she knows much better what’s going on, and sees what I can’t see? What if I’m really dumb and she’s smart? I’ve studied myself for more than a decade. I’m not as quick and agile as she is. My strength is persistence and the profound analysis of my personal experience. I know how to sustain an interest in doing things for a very long time. Where the average fool gets bored and quits, I’m spinning wheels, just getting ready to start. Hey, stop. Are you gonna renounce yourself to please this snatch? Is “losing self-importance” not about the “slave morality’? Are you gonna voluntarily turn yourself into a slave? Do you wanna be a slave?
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