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10:10am.
I feel better. In the morning, while doing exercises, I thought thoroughly about what’s going on in my relationship with A and found a whole lot of new reasons to end it. It holds me back, and the only thing that keeps me from running away is this emotional, psychological bondage. On the rational level, I’ve already decided to end this madness, as well as I ended various addictions, like playing video games, which I used to have. I derived immense pleasure from playing video games, but at the same time, it had been turning me into a fucking idiot. Usually, it takes a certain amount of time until my rational decision reaches the emotional level, cooling down my passions. When I played video games, I told myself almost every evening that I’m gonna quit tomorrow, but in the next morning, I often could find myself playing again. It required, sometimes, a dozen of such evenings to achieve what I intended to. The same is happening now, but instead of mindful evenings, I have powerful mornings when my intention is clear and firm. However, as the day goes on, I may make some stupid moves, write something to her, or even come to talk about getting back to where we were before all hell broke loose. Somehow, all this led to the point where I divided my mind into two parts, and one of these parts no longer wants to tolerate this insipid taming. Besides, the passion towards growing my youtube channel gets stronger and wants to consume all my time. At every moment, there is a kind of competition between two drives, none of which is ready to accept the terms of the other. One of these drives stems from my desire to be with A and do whatever it takes to maintain this relationship. The other drive is about abstract freedom. I really enjoy being alone. Solitude is my power. I can’t focus when there is someone nearby constantly distracting me. I’m probably not good enough to be able to maintain healthy relationships with anybody. I need full attention. I need absolute obedience. I can’t be an ideal partner. I can’t take seriously a girl in her mid-20s who believes that she knows herself. I can’t handle her constant passive aggressive behavior and innumerable complaints. She conditions me in a way which I don’t like; and no matter what I say, she’s never able to admit that she does something wrong. Yeah, I’m the first one who says that there is nothing wrong with anything, so if someone’s reality doesn’t match with their expectations, it’s the expectations that must be thrown away. However, if she’s doing everything right, and I’m doing everything right, and one of us is always disappointed, and angry, and doesn’t want to talk, well, probably there is something that has to be changed. Okay, enough about it, here is the plan for today.
1. Breakfast. 2. Publishing work. 3. Cathrin’s videos. 4. YCA. 5. Self-talk. 6. Exercises. 7. Walking.
10:59am.
1 is done. Let’s move to the 2.
11:54am.
It took me almost an hour to accomplish the second task. Now, I’d like to do 4 and only after that get to 3.
1:03pm.
Improved my channel by adding sections and also worked on my previous videos, adding tags and cards. It’s time to watch Cathrin’s videos.
What’s Happened to MY Ads Revenue Over the Last Few Months: Why you’re noticing a dip in your CPM. 1,134 comments. 1.9k likes. 21,501 views. May 5, 2020.
My MOST SUCCESSFUL (but worst) Month Yet: April analytic report, Rise Live, & 2 BIG Announcements! 1,134 comments. 1.6k likes. 23,504 views. May 8, 2020.
I Gained 11k SUBSCRIBERS In 7 DAYS!? How to turn your views into subscribers on YouTube 2020. 4,340 comments. 5.3k likes. 56,334 views. May 12, 2020.
Finding The Motivation To Keep Going: If you’re struggling With YouTube YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS! 2,226 comments. 2.3k likes. 22,555 views. May 19, 2020.
Almost done with this girl. There are just a few videos remained to be watched. I don’t think it makes sense to continue following her uploads, since she’s definitely not a good role model for me. She’s concerned mostly about subs, money, statistics. What she calls “content” is just an endless talk about growing her youtube channel. It’s like, “I’m growing! I’m growing! Look how I’m doing it! You can do the same!” Everything on her channel is so bloody trivial and superficial. No wonder lots of people follow her.
Okay, let’s pick up another target. I guess, it’s reasonable to procced in order. So, it’s Jeven Dovey. But before getting to his videos, I’d like to do exercises and write a comment to Cathrin.
“I’ve watched over 50 of your videos during the last week taking notes and analyzing your growth, as well as your content.
Here is my summary of what I’ve learned.
1. Focusing on one direction and constantly talking about what you’re doing (in your case, you’re growing on YouTube by talking about growing on YouTube).
2. Always looking for something to improve in what you’re doing.
3. Repeating over and over the same story, but each time making it looking different by adding more details.
4. Creating an emotional connection with your audience by telling people what they wanna hear and confirming their beliefs.
5. Going all in.
The reason why I started watching your channel was, obviously, that I decided to grow my own YouTube channel. I got through 50 of the most popular titles on the query “How To Grow On YouTube” (without watching the videos), then identified the most popular youtubers occupied that niche, and now I know one of them, you, probably even better than you know yourself.
You know, it may sound crazy, Cathrin, but I suggest you subscribe to my channel, even though you don’t watch people in your niche in order to stay unique and original. I’m already uploaded more than 800 videos and have just 45 subs. So my videos were about real (let me stress the word “real”) personal development and you may learn a lot from them without hurting your originality.
By the way, you may ask who the hack you are with your forty subs to waste my time for watching your videos? You know, on the road to one billion subscribers, which, I think, is quite possible in the next few decades, we’re all just getting started.
Best wishes”
6:13pm.
Now I’m waiting for a new upload on Cathrin’s channel to publish my comment. Seems that she missed uploading on time, which is quite strange of her.
Checked James Jani’s channel, which grew to 130, 000 subs just in a month. A month ago, there weren’t even five thousand subs. This is fantastic. Perhaps, it makes sense to study his rhetoric and target words.
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