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Morning.
And again, there is a conflict with A. It started yesterday when we finished watching lectures, and she suggested playing a card game. We had a talk about animals. I was trying to make a joke by saying that animals made me crazy, that I spoke to them, and they, in a sense, spoke back to me. She bought it, and I gave freedom to my fantasy. She got angry and finally said that I’d better go home. I didn’t go home, but the evening was lost. We got in bed early. Then, she woke up at 5am. I thought it was 6am. She went to take bath and, after coming back at 6:30am, she started waking me up. She was cute and amusing. After I got up, she offered to make me a cup of tea. I went to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed teeth, and then, when I got to the kitchen, shit happened. She said she woke up at 5am. I asked if she was in the bathroom for an hour and a half, and she immediately got mad. She found some underlying meaning in my question and got defensive. I said that she attacks me from the first hour in the morning, and after that, there was no way back. She went to the room, saying that she had only 10 minutes left before her 12-hour-long work starts. She said she didn’t want to spend these 10 minutes by arguing. I went after her to apologize, but it didn’t help. In fact, it made her really nervous, she got mad, started weeping, and insisted that I should leave right now. All of this was because “I didn’t allow her to feel what she felt.” If there were something that made her angry, she would never question her emotions. She don’t get it that I understand what she feels. She thinks that I simply deny her feelings. Well, when she gets angry, I’m trying to talk about what has just happened, and, of course, I often don’t see clearly what makes her angry. She says that I’m trying to justify everything that I’ve said or done; therefore, it looks as if I tried to prove her anger wrong. It makes her unbearably aggressive. I tried to explain to her many times that we see the world differently, so in every situation we are both right and wrong simultaneously. However, for her, it looks as if I were trying to prove her wrong. I mean, sure, there was something that made her angry; I didn’t deny it, but was it my fault? Have I done something proportional to her anger? And if I have done it, why don’t just tell me what it was. I’m ready to regulate and even change my behavior whenever it’s necessary. But I can’t withstand this continuous passive (increasingly turning into active) aggressive conditioning. What the hell is going on? I’m thinking more and more about giving up.
9:10pm.
Huh! I guess we’ve done. I’ve taken all my stuff, said farewell and left her. It looked as if I were breaking our relationship; but wasn’t it what she wanted? At the end of the day, what’s the point to continue if we both want different things, and it has become clear we can’t reconcile our desires?
9:30pm.
She called and asked me to get back.
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