12656
My mind has been filled up again with unbearable contradictions. I want to stop considering these contradictions as if it were a strife between my thoughts and feelings. This is stupid. In reality, there are no such things as the mind and feelings separately from each other. It’s all about my incompatible needs and desires and their descriptions. I’m not two different things. Sometimes, it’s useful to think that there are feelings, which make me desire one thing, and there are thoughts, which make me desire another thing, so I could follow this or that depending on the situation.
In fact, there are groups of needs, beliefs, habits and desires united by the concept of intentionality. The contradictions occur when new needs, beliefs, etc. appear, pushing out the old ones.
I’ve dedicated my life to studying and working on personal development. For the last three years, I’ve been mastering English and it was the main goal. I assume that to get to the level where I wanna be, it takes at least six or seven years of hard work and undivided attention. I can say that I really enjoy this work. I don’t care whether it’s gonna take six, seven, or fifty years. I just want to learn the language, read the greatest books available to my current level of understanding, watch the best courses of lectures, write, speak and think.
Of course, I can do all of that while having the relationship with A at the same time. But can I do it as well as I’ve been doing it without her? She consumes all my thoughts; she does such things that constantly bring to my mind emotional and linguistic hurricanes.
Earlier, I said that I could see clearly all the inadequacies of our relationship and only irrational force, love, makes me maintain it. However, now, I see once again that there is no contradiction between my thoughts and feelings. I wanna continue my studies and she holds me back: this is the psy-team number one. I wanna build a family with this girl and everything else is folly: this is psy-team number two. I’m not afraid to spend the rest of my life with a fool who believes that love it’s when a man buys some shit to a woman or travels with her around the globe wherever she wants. I’m not afraid of being neglected and even ignored. I’m not afraid that she’ll never get how much I had to sacrifice to be with her. I’m not afraid that she’ll never learn anything and remain the damn fool for the rest of her life. There is only one question I have to answer: Whether or not our lives are gonna be better if we keep the relationship functioning? I’m inclined to think that my life is gonna be better without her, and her life as well is gonna be better without me. But the second psy-team, formed just in a recent few months, accuses me of being a stubborn, conservative coward. It doesn’t make any sense, but I think I could handle this relationship and get it to the level where it’s gonna be excellent. I don’t wanna give up on A too easily. But she is nuts. I read her journal yesterday (she called me, we had a walk and then came to her apartment). A few days ago, she wrote about her ex, not the one she spent the last weekend with, but another. They traveled to Cyprus last year. She wrote that she loved him and complained that he rejected her friendship. She saw him in the street driving a car after she’d thought about him while listening to a music band they used to listen to together, and then she wrote about her remaining love in her journal. So, am I ready to tolerate that? Am I ready to be with her, knowing she also loves somebody else? Am I ready to build a family with her, anticipating the possibility of being called a cuckold many times? What if she decides to leave or run away with one of another idiot who’s gonna buy her expensive toys and “accept her as she is”? Maaaan! What’s going on? Why do I take such a burden voluntarily? Why can’t I leave her right now? Four days without her, and I’ve almost recovered my deterministic philosophical mindset.
That’s the contradiction; and it’s not even 1% of what’s getting through my mind on a daily basis. But we’ll see. In any case, amor-fati and let’s face the reality. I thought that recently there was no power in my writing; maybe it’s gonna be changed soon.
Commander is a fool!
So here is what happened this week. On Monday, I was heavy and refused to talk to her. She said she couldn’t bear it. We parted. I was heavy because she met with her ex, and I thought that if I made her realize this was unacceptable, she would apologize and stop doing it in the future. She did exactly the opposite. She met with her ex again and then met with another ex, as if she was... I dunno who.
We had a talk today and reached a sort of agreement. But I still can’t figure out what has happened. I was heavy because she hung out with another man. She asked me to leave. I left. Then, after three days, she called me. We met and I discovered that all these days she was hanging out with other men. Moreover, she writes in her diary that she still loves these men. And somehow, now, everything is okay! I’m not supposed to be heavy anymore and we reached the bloody agreement! Although it’s not a real agreement because we actually haven’t decided anything, except that we’re gonna stay together.
Commander is a fool!
Oh, please, stop it! Nobody is a fool. You’re a fool yourself! C’mon! Let’s awaken some wild spirits and make fun of this absurdity. I’m gonna get back to studying everything about relationships.
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