12699
I’ve reread this diary from 12669: the 30 days of swinging from relationships to work, and all sorts of controversial desires and thoughts accompanying it. One thing, however, seems to be stable, which is improving my language with an unbowed intention to get better, gain personal power and build a profound understanding of what’s going on. Whatever is happening around, I’m doing my best, trying to be precise in my linguistic interpretation of it. I’m not going to deny obvious weaknesses that popped up from the bottom of my soul, while I was compelled to abandon my solitude, engaging in a close relationship with ongoing interactions. One can be impeccably virtuous in his metaphysical castle; but as soon as there is a necessity to interact regularly with another person, all his virtues may turn into vices. It’s unbelievable how silly I can be under the influence of certain feelings. Instead of saying what I think, I’ll keep silent; instead of doing what is reasonable, I’ll obey animal instincts; when I should be in control of “the mob of the senses”, I make promises that put me in a weird position where I can’t effectively communicate without compromising myself. It seems, after I had promised that I’ll never leave her, she tried to do everything to make me break this promise. I guess, without this bond, I would have had way more chances to “connect” with this girl. If it has been necessary to build a family and be with her “forever”, I’ve done everything wrong right from the start. Does it mean that being with her was unnecessary? Was that promise but a kind of paradoxical intention?
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