12701
Feel exhausted. There is a sense of grief when I think about A. Indeed, I think about her quite frequently. There is an obvious division and growing skirmish in my mind. My inner AFC wants to come back to her. Tonight, I had a dream where I tried to kill a huge man, a giant, kicking and hitting him with heavy things at his head, but he refused to die. Eventually, he called me and everybody else (there, in my dream, were many other “people” who wanted to kill him) by some name, which made me feel sorry. A bunch of profound emotions took over my mind; I got carried away and began to weep. I thought about the fate of this giant and cursed life.
Now, I think this giant may represent my feelings. I love A and more than anything else I wanna be with her. And I can’t be with her. At least for now. All my virtues make no sense to her. All she wants is an “easy life”, and comfort, and a silly job, and kids. She has no idea about real education; she doesn’t want to learn anything seriously for its own sake. I don’t blame her; if it’s her fate, that’s fine. Maybe later she will get it. But I also can’t close my eyes or turn blind. She’s pathetic, especially when she teaches me how to be a “man”. Well, she is aware of that too. After a conflict, she often tells me apologetically how unbearable she is, which makes me even more frustrated. She says, “Thanks for tolerating me.” The next day, she turns into a wild beast. And then, the circle repeats itself. It’s like, “I’m gonna get worse and worse until you give up.” I’m not gonna give up. “Yes, you will, but thanks so much for not doing it now.”
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