12704
“My good stars, that were my former guides, have empty left their orbits.”
Okay, I missed the most important thing about this relationship from the very beginning. I highly underestimated how much she loved and, obviously, still loves this guy. Everything I tried to do was useless exactly because of this underestimation. I couldn’t admit that I, the greatest philosopher and outstanding poet, was totally ignored by her because of her ongoing attachment to another guy. Well, I knew it when I saw her crying after shared intimacy, or when she was returning happy and delightful after walking with him. Yet, I couldn’t admit it to myself. I thought that it was over, that she just wanted to recover after such a painful experience. I bought into this kind of romantic nonsense.
Now, I’m gonna play a psychologist. I’m no longer her lover until she wipes him out of her heart. Otherwise, it’s gonna drive me mad. I can’t simultaneously be in love with her and help her overcome her psychological trauma. She needs to talk to me about everything including how much she loved and still loves him.
I met him yesterday. After I wrote the previous note, I had an irresistible impulse to go to her, and there he was. We had a talk at the end of which he promised to disappear for a year. I saw how she stared at him and got it almost instantly. She had been in no need of a lover, or husband, or whatever at the time we started dating. She needed help, a lot of help. It’s quite reasonable to think that for her our relationship was nothing but the means to break up with him. Fighting fire with fire. But she also underestimated how much she was still in love with him, or how much power he still had over her.
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