12673
This is supposed to be a new turn on the road of my relationship with A. Whatever I wrote here before was of no value in terms of getting this relationship somewhere, so now I’m gonna change my approach to the entire enterprise. There were too many lies. I tried to avoid any serious critique of her, getting the result which I deserved. Sure, it doesn’t make sense to criticize her actions if the criticism has no impact on her behavior. However, blindly ignoring everything and taking no measures to stop—what the hell do I wanna stop? Am I lying too much to myself on these pages? There are plenty of things that cause me immense suffering; why do I not talk about these things here? Am I afraid of ruining the relationship by discovering something I’m not gonna be able to tolerate? Well—
She’s not just a thing. If she were always the same, it would be much easier. I can’t say that she’s always unhappy or that we can’t live together because of her unrealistic demands. She doesn’t even demand—she just says, “I want certain things: gifts, traveling, financial support, etc.” And then she adds, “I’m not happy because I don’t get what I want.” She doesn’t say, “You must give me what I want.” No. She says, “I want x, y, z, and that‘s it.” She wants to get whatever she wants, no matter how reasonable or necessary it is in any given situation. No restrain on any imaginable good which is supposed to make her happy. If she doesn’t get what she wants, it makes her miserable. And then, this misery is projected on me, just like when you go to a grocery store with a child and discover yourself being a wicked miser if you resolve to buy only those things which are necessary. And here I am, a fool who hustles to become a wage slave to provide this damn child with all sorts of junk food which is gonna ruin her health.
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