Dear Father,
I can not call you anymore.
I can't say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do before...
There, in the country where you're now no one has any phone. You have gone.
You probably were a great wizard,
but looked like a funny old geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you.
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts.
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
That was a clever and handsome man,
who answered each of my questions. And...
Our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us.
Only memory keeps the image of you.
Happy birthday to you in the other world, from here with love.
Thank you.
Dear Father
© Copyright: Наталья Глубокова, 2021
Свидетельство о публикации №221061300751
Свидетельство о публикации №221061300751
Рецензии
С удовольствуем, Наталья, познакомился с Вашим переводом, мне он нравится. Не буду тратить время на объяснения, а просто напишу, как предпочёл бы это видеть (совершенно не претендуя на превосходство – потому что знаю, что Вам интересно моё мнение):
Не стоит во что бы то ни стало рифмовать – в таком произведении рифма должна быть достаточно случайной – при сильном чувстве слова не подбираются (когда эмоции, а не просто печальная констатация факта).
Конкретно по тексту:
Dear Father, (опустить)
I can not call you anymore. (I cannot call you, father, anymore)
I can't say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do before... (Can not say … as I used to do)
There, in the country where you're now no one has any phone. You have gone.
(There are no phones in the country you have gone to)
You probably were a great wizard, (you were alike a wizard)
but looked like a funny old geezer (still looked as a geezer)
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you. (part of your life? – надо чётче)
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts. (это должно быть понятней)
I have known not much.
But I remember you. (слишком личные вещи читателю не нужны)
That was a clever and handsome man, (на переход в третье лицо нет обоснования)
who answered each of my questions. And... (слишком жеманно – натяжка для рифмы)
Our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus. (красиво – есть эмоциональная живость, рифма уместна)
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us. (discovered)
Only memory keeps the image of you. (you are always in my mind)
Happy birthday to you in the other world, from here with love. (Happy birthday, father)
Thank you. (лишнее)
Надеюсь, Вы понимаете, что это не значит, что так надо, а означает только моё собственное предпочтение, высказанное с целью принести пользу.
С пожеланиями,
Вячеслав
Вячеслав Чистяков 14.07.2023 07:55 • Заявить о нарушении
Не стоит во что бы то ни стало рифмовать – в таком произведении рифма должна быть достаточно случайной – при сильном чувстве слова не подбираются (когда эмоции, а не просто печальная констатация факта).
Конкретно по тексту:
Dear Father, (опустить)
I can not call you anymore. (I cannot call you, father, anymore)
I can't say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do before... (Can not say … as I used to do)
There, in the country where you're now no one has any phone. You have gone.
(There are no phones in the country you have gone to)
You probably were a great wizard, (you were alike a wizard)
but looked like a funny old geezer (still looked as a geezer)
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you. (part of your life? – надо чётче)
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts. (это должно быть понятней)
I have known not much.
But I remember you. (слишком личные вещи читателю не нужны)
That was a clever and handsome man, (на переход в третье лицо нет обоснования)
who answered each of my questions. And... (слишком жеманно – натяжка для рифмы)
Our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus. (красиво – есть эмоциональная живость, рифма уместна)
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us. (discovered)
Only memory keeps the image of you. (you are always in my mind)
Happy birthday to you in the other world, from here with love. (Happy birthday, father)
Thank you. (лишнее)
Надеюсь, Вы понимаете, что это не значит, что так надо, а означает только моё собственное предпочтение, высказанное с целью принести пользу.
С пожеланиями,
Вячеслав
Вячеслав Чистяков 14.07.2023 07:55 • Заявить о нарушении
Здравствуйте, Вячеслав!
Вы знаете, тогда, когда я писала это стихотворение, было много эмоций и недостаточное проникновение в суть английского языка, поэтому я действительно подбирала слова, как мелодию, на слух, стараясь соответствовать грамматическим правилам на том уровне, который был мне тогда доступен. Сейчас, получив некоторый опыт общения с носителями языка, читая хорошую литературу в оригинале, Ваши переводы с английского на русский с русского на английский, исполняя песни на английском, я заметила, что чувство языка развивается. Мне понятны все Ваши замечания и я согласна с ними. Мне никак не удаётся накопить денег, чтобы поставить памятник отцу, или хотя бы крест, но вот над стихотворением я могу поработать и обязательно отредактирую его, папа был бы очень рад, я знаю. Всё что он смог оставить мне в наследство - это пожелание изучать английский и сдать языковой экзамен, несколько книг и... не важно, он был очень мудрым человеком и я безмерно ему благодарна за всё и помню его всегда.
А Вам спасибо огромное за Ваше мнение, оно много значит для меня.
Благодарю, искренне и от всего сердца.
С уважением, Наталья Юрьевна Глубокого.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 08:27 Заявить о нарушении
Вы знаете, тогда, когда я писала это стихотворение, было много эмоций и недостаточное проникновение в суть английского языка, поэтому я действительно подбирала слова, как мелодию, на слух, стараясь соответствовать грамматическим правилам на том уровне, который был мне тогда доступен. Сейчас, получив некоторый опыт общения с носителями языка, читая хорошую литературу в оригинале, Ваши переводы с английского на русский с русского на английский, исполняя песни на английском, я заметила, что чувство языка развивается. Мне понятны все Ваши замечания и я согласна с ними. Мне никак не удаётся накопить денег, чтобы поставить памятник отцу, или хотя бы крест, но вот над стихотворением я могу поработать и обязательно отредактирую его, папа был бы очень рад, я знаю. Всё что он смог оставить мне в наследство - это пожелание изучать английский и сдать языковой экзамен, несколько книг и... не важно, он был очень мудрым человеком и я безмерно ему благодарна за всё и помню его всегда.
А Вам спасибо огромное за Ваше мнение, оно много значит для меня.
Благодарю, искренне и от всего сердца.
С уважением, Наталья Юрьевна Глубокого.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 08:27 Заявить о нарушении
Вот такая редакция получилась с Вашей помощью:
I cannot call you Father, anymore.
Cannot say "Happy Birthday!" ,as I used to do
Before... You have gone
There are nobody uses any phone, in the country, you have drown to
You were alike a wizard,
Still looked as a geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you, your life,
But in despite of they've read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
Since the second of its three painful parts:
Your youth, your maturity and your ... let's say
The last
Days under the sun
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
Your were a clever and handsome man,
who was answering each of my questions.
And I remember our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
Now I've suddenly discovered I have not any photo of us.
But I have your love and light into my heart
You and your words are always in my mind
Happy birthday, Father,
I am always in love with You.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:15 Заявить о нарушении
I cannot call you Father, anymore.
Cannot say "Happy Birthday!" ,as I used to do
Before... You have gone
There are nobody uses any phone, in the country, you have drown to
You were alike a wizard,
Still looked as a geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you, your life,
But in despite of they've read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
Since the second of its three painful parts:
Your youth, your maturity and your ... let's say
The last
Days under the sun
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
Your were a clever and handsome man,
who was answering each of my questions.
And I remember our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
Now I've suddenly discovered I have not any photo of us.
But I have your love and light into my heart
You and your words are always in my mind
Happy birthday, Father,
I am always in love with You.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:15 Заявить о нарушении
Насколько я помню, я публиковала две версии этого стихотворения: одну в стихах на английском, другую - в генеалогическом древе, но я могу ошибаться, помню, что уже пыталась его редактировать. Сейчас посмотрю и напишу, если я публиковала обе редакции.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:18 Заявить о нарушении
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:18 Заявить о нарушении
Да, в "Практике письма на иностранных языках" вот эта редакция:
Dear Father,
I can not call you anymore.
I can't say "Happy Birthday!" ,as I did before.
There, in the country where you're now no one uses a telephone. You have gone.
You probably were a great wizard,
but looked like a funny old geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you.
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts.
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
That was a clever and handsome man,
who answered always each of my questions. And...
Our long walks along the silent streets in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we took
and your sad look,
when you put me on a bus.
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us.
Only memory keeps the image of you.
Happy birthday into the other world
Happy new birthday to you...
А на титульной страничке вот эта:
Dear Father,
I can not call you anymore.
I can't say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do before...
There, in the country where you're now no one has any phone. You have gone.
You probably were a great wizard,
but looked like a funny old geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you.
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts.
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
That was a clever and handsome man,
who answered each of my questions. And...
Our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us.
Only memory keeps the image of you.
Happy birthday to you in the other world, from here with love.
Thank you.
Так что с Вашей помощью возникла третья)
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:22 Заявить о нарушении
Dear Father,
I can not call you anymore.
I can't say "Happy Birthday!" ,as I did before.
There, in the country where you're now no one uses a telephone. You have gone.
You probably were a great wizard,
but looked like a funny old geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you.
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts.
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
That was a clever and handsome man,
who answered always each of my questions. And...
Our long walks along the silent streets in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we took
and your sad look,
when you put me on a bus.
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us.
Only memory keeps the image of you.
Happy birthday into the other world
Happy new birthday to you...
А на титульной страничке вот эта:
Dear Father,
I can not call you anymore.
I can't say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do before...
There, in the country where you're now no one has any phone. You have gone.
You probably were a great wizard,
but looked like a funny old geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you.
They have read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
since the second of its three painful parts.
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
That was a clever and handsome man,
who answered each of my questions. And...
Our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
And I've suddenly seen I have not any photo of us.
Only memory keeps the image of you.
Happy birthday to you in the other world, from here with love.
Thank you.
Так что с Вашей помощью возникла третья)
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:22 Заявить о нарушении
Ещё одно сообщение исчезло, с поправками, так что повторно его пишу, теперь с телефона, до этого писала на планшете и с домашним интернетом:
I cannot call you Father, anymore.
Cannot say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do
Before... You have gone
There are nobody uses any phone, in the country, you have drown to
You were alike a wizard,
Still looked as a geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you, your life,
But in despite of they've read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
Since the second of its three painful parts:
Your youth, your maturity and your ... let's say
The last
Days under the sun
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
You were a clever and handsome man,
Answering each of my questions
When I had a lot of them in my head
I remember our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
Now I've suddenly discovered I have not any photo of us.
But I have your love and light into my heart
You and your words are in my mind
Happy birthday, Father,
I am always in love with You.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:38 Заявить о нарушении
I cannot call you Father, anymore.
Cannot say "Happy Birthday!",as I used to do
Before... You have gone
There are nobody uses any phone, in the country, you have drown to
You were alike a wizard,
Still looked as a geezer
for the grandchildren who
saw only the last part of you, your life,
But in despite of they've read the final chapter of the book
which I've took
Since the second of its three painful parts:
Your youth, your maturity and your ... let's say
The last
Days under the sun
I have known not much.
But I remember you.
You were a clever and handsome man,
Answering each of my questions
When I had a lot of them in my head
I remember our long walks in the old town at night,
and black-and-white
and brown
photos we had took
and your look,
when you put me on a bus.
Now I've suddenly discovered I have not any photo of us.
But I have your love and light into my heart
You and your words are in my mind
Happy birthday, Father,
I am always in love with You.
Наталья Глубокова 15.07.2023 09:38 Заявить о нарушении
На это произведение написаны 2 рецензии, здесь отображается последняя, остальные - в полном списке.