How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
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And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
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I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British (:-D)
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
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I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
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In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
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It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
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My brain? It's my second favorite organ.
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My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. (:-DDDDDDDD)
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My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty..(:-DD)
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. (:-D)
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Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
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On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. (:-DDDD)
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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
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Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words.(:-DDD)
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Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.
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Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing (:-DDDDDD)
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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
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The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.(:-DDDDD)
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. (:-DDD)
