Destiny

It was an ordinary Saturday evening. Ordinary for me, of course... I was sitting all alone in my room and the last thing I wished was to talk or see somebody... Somebody but HIM...

Loneliness used to be my friend, she knew all my secrets, my desperate thoughts, she was the only one I could talk to. I remember that one day she came and said, “I can relieve your heartache”. And she introduced me to her sister, Emptiness, who hurried to embrace and conquered my aching beating heart.

So, I was sitting staring into nothingness, thinking of noone knows what, dreaming old-fashioned half-broken dreams, hoping the same cracked hope. I wondered whether it all was MY fault, whether something still could be changed...

It was getting darker and darker and I didn’t notice how the whole sky had turned completely black. The night was already the ruler of the Earth but for me the night had come and covered my world with its soft wings so long ago that now even days looked blacker than the nightmare.

What should I do? Thoughts were rushing in my head as if trying to persuade me not to think at all. But how could I? After all that had happened despair was felt in everything...

I blamed myself in everything: in HIS coming, and HIS leaving, in HIS carelessness.

Now only one thought was beating in my mind: to escape. To escape from difficulties, to escape from hard memories, to escape from pain, to escape from life... To escape before anyone could find me and see my face scarred by sorrow and feel the danger in the air...  “How dare you think about it?”, I heard a voice... So many blames!.. Too many blames to stand! And too late to admonish or to hold me quiet...

Unseen and unheard I picked the receiver up. If only HE were by the phone and answered... But certainly the Fate made its best to take HIM away. Away from my life... Forever...

Slowly I looked up. In the mirror I saw two scornful eyes overfilled with blue and sharp tears. Could they be the eyes of a girl who a couple of weeks ago thought that happiness was so real and near? The girl who believed in miracles and love and even life itself?

I took a deep breath to try to concentrate on my life. What did I have? Some words of love for HIM? But he wasn’t there to gulp them. HE wasn’t there to share my loneliness... HE would probably never be by my side again...

The lightning crossed the blackness of the sky. It started drizzling. Cold raindrops knocked on the half-open window and the wind carried some of them into my frozen room. They broke against my cheek. Broke like ice. So sharp they were that even the hardened heart burst into blood. Blood... It was pouring out as if I had been shot, and its streams, like those of springs, were desperately running down me.
Suicide... who could believe that the death of the inner world would lead to killing the body? Who would think that my life would be taken by nature itself?

Pale cheeks seemed to blush for a second or two as if the blood were running up and not down. The eyes, half-open, were trying to catch some pleasant objects in sight, something that could help to live the last minutes in gladness, if that.

But somehow all I saw brought only more pain. The rose... HE gave it to me when swearing in love... The cassette... we danced to it when HE gave me that first unforgettable kiss... The mirror... HE touched my reflection once when joking how identical we looked... Everything reminded of HIM... Every little thing...

“Stop it!” I heard myself screaming. “In a minute you’ll be in another world, in a better world, the world you had been dreaming of since long ago!” Yes, that was true... But what could that new world give? “Oh dear, will there never be more thoughts of HIM? Will there be a new, a completely new reality where no reminiscence exist?” Was it a kind of consolation?

I swallowed. Bitterness. It was tears mixed with blood in my mouth. I saw the sorrow gliding down my body... “You’ve no right to leave me here, leave me, your best friend, here alone!”, cried Loneliness. “I don’t want to live without you, take me with you, we’ll have much fun there!”

“You don’t want to live without me”, I grinned. “Do you really believe you live?! It’s everything but life, it’s existence in fact!”

“Then I don’t want to exist without you! Don’t betray me!”

Don’t betray... I tried to recollect how many times I myself had been betrayed and cheated. I wished to think of the Sun but somehow I didn’t remember the way it looked.

‘It must be something warm’, I thought. Warm?! What is warmth, then? And what is light? I had been running through the life, from hurt to hurt, from pain to pain...

Light... Is it the feeling that everything’s quite well? Is it what I had been trying to catch? Is it that strange shining around HIM?

Warmth... Is it that emotion which I had when HE first touched me? When HE said HE missed and needed me more than anyone ever and my whole body shuddered with emotions? Is it that feeling when I first believed HIM?

Suddenly I heard whispers. Peaceful words were floating in the air. Somebody touched me by the hand. I turned around. It was the same feeling of bliss for a moment which came when HE touched me.

Slowly, I started to realize that the world around me was unusually bright and its shining could easily blind me... Too hard for my tired eyes to get used to a new surroundings...

The hand that touched me was that of a purely white angel. He seemed so strong and faithful, he drew out a pair of wings and gave them to me.

Fly... I could fly now! How many times had I dreamt about it! How many sleepless nights had I spent imagining that I had wings and could fly to HIM through the hardness and darkness of the night!

But now that I could fly I wasn’t able to reach HIM. A strange feeling flashed in my heart. Some deja vu. I couldn’t remember when and where I had felt the same... The feeling that something was missing... The feeling that burnt the heart... The feeling that kept me from enjoying the new life...

“What’s that?” I asked the angel.
“I don’t know”, he answered honestly. “Everyone here is free from worries. Noone is able to remember the past, we take it away with human bodies. Everyone is happy here. I don’t know what’s going on with you!”

At the moment I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. How cold it was! As if made of a thousand February snowflakes... I looked over my shoulder... Familiar face... But where could I have seen it?

And suddenly I remembered. Sure, it was Loneliness. Her weak but at the same time strong embraces were recognizable everywhere. The way she looked at you could never be forgotten. Even in Paradise.

“I don’t know her”, said the angel. “But she seems to be a very devoted friend. She loves you so much that she gave up everything, all her previous life just to be with you. You’re lucky to have such a great friend!”

Gave up everything! What did she have to give up? The only thing she had, the only thing she owned and possessed was me. She herself had once told me about it. She told me that all the people were of little interest to her when there existed such a person as me. She herself once told me that since she saw me she forgot all the others and belonged to me, only to me...

And now she was there... To make me remember everything, not to let my naked soul go...


* * * * * * * * *

I’m sitting on a bench and chatting with a dream. The Dream’s telling me his plans. The Hope had left long ago though without saying goodbye. I felt offended at first, but then I understood Her. I know my Hope couldn’t compete with my best friend. My best friend is too strong. Too independent. Too selfish. She can’t stand any opponents. Can’t see anyone standing on her way. Even now she’s sitting by me listening to my conversation with the Dream. She’s silent but I feel she’s burning poor Dream with her cold stare. How long will the Dream stand? An hour? A minute? One more second?

Some things never change... My best friend is still Loneliness