Reality

                Reality


  She was alone...
   The strong cool wind was blowing to her face carrying fragmentary recollections of her previous life. She remembered laughter and tears, minutes of seemed real but false happiness and strange bitter, her friends or may be just people who she wanted to see like friends, enemies whose faces were hidden under the masks of a naive pleasure, men who were loved by her and those who she hated. Or may be it was just a dream directed to the nightmare...
    The best parties, the most expensive stores, great numbers of friends, gifts, guys who told her about their love and tender feelings, pleasure. She had all that. Now she has nothing... But may be there were just feigned smiles  and words. Just a game where she was one of pieces... The great wall she could not overstep. She had everything. Everything to be happy... The last event left no tears for her maimed heart.
   She was standing at the cold stone of the lonely gray rock and thinking. Her thoughts, her words, her smiles... What do they mean for people now? They are empty like her soul has been.
   She remembered everything. Oh, God, why are you so cruel? Why are you so unjust? But you know what you do and why you do it. You"re done it realizing with every part of your endless consciousness...
   She had money. Much more money she could spend for whole her life. Many friends and acquaintances who fell boring minutes of her turbulent life. Boyfriend who seemed loved her and could do his best to make her happy... Oh, Christ, why?
   She had parents who cared of her, gave her anything she needed and wanted. May be they didn"t have enough time to spend with their only daughter, to hear out her thoughts and feelings, to understand her problems... But they were very good parents as people said. They were her parents by who she was grown up.... They were her parents by God... Oh, Dad, Mummy, why did you died? Why did you leave me alone?
   Night. The foggy and windy night of wishes which would never come true...
   It was a great party. There were a lot of people on the ship of her parents called Santa Louisa. It was her birthday. She was 23... Overcrowded hall. People were dancing. Many people she didn"t know at all... Unknown faces with strange crazy smiles she could not understand. Nowhere you could find a silence. The loud music"s everywhere. Why are they happy? She was happy too. Her friends and she were laughing, making noise, speaking and joking, drinking...She was beautiful then. She was like a star or may be like a bright twinkle...
   The great number of plates, knifes, forks, napkins composed a light unreal maze. Flowers were everywhere. There were the brilliance of bright glass goblets chinned in the darkness. Noise...music...cigarette smelling...Champagne that poured out at the table...
- Do you want anything else?
- No, Michel. Please, let"s go to the deck. You should not drink so much. I don"t like we are drunk. When we are drunk we are unreal...
- Don"t be boring! Let"s do to dance...
   She didn"t answer. She set down in a new chair of her mother"s collection looking around. She took the glass with the red sweet wine nearing to her lips. Stop. She looked into the deep ocean of the wine which seemed blood in that moment... Her blood.
   Her friends, parents, guests were happy. That"s why she was happy too.
   Beautiful candles got by her father from India were burning. Everything was as it should be and as it always was. It"s her birthday, her party, her night...
   The waiters dressed white tuxedoes moved from one side to another carrying different multifarious dishes and drinks...
   She was watching... She walked off in a little disgust. She didn"t want to stay in that noise place any more... She needed to feel the breathing of fresh Atlantic air.
   She stepped on the desk. She was looking up at the night skies and  the dark surface of  Atlantic ocean water. She was thinking... Her thought was simple. They weren"t about the sense of the life or world problems as it was usually. She was just thinking about the water, skies and full moon accepting their tenderness...
   She knew she had everything to be happy. But it makes her unreal.
   She was standing and breathing wet bitter air.
   But what was that? Fire? Fire"s everywhere. Fire and smog...
   Fire"s tongue embraced the ship. And she was standing looking in the eyes of the death!
   Nobody survived but she did.
   And now she had nothing. Nothing from her previous life.
   The fire took  her parents, her friends, her lover.  It stole her love and beauty leaving only bitter, pain and scares.
   There is no past.
   She remembered everything...A hospital. There were strange deformed  people looking at her face. They were studying her as she was one of them... as it was her new life. She started crying like a crazy. May be she really was insane... What is that? Why was she there? Where is there?
   Her life doesn"t have sense now. What is sense? All her body and soul were covered with the terrible scares and burns. Why? What is the sin?
   She remembered the police office very well. It was like a stupid virtual game.  There were endless number of  mazy gray corridors. Many superficial people. They wanted something of her but she could not understand their babble. There was a fog before her eyes, she could not open them  in full size because it made her pain...Her father died. And the recollection of him will be perfect but only for her. He was a really good person, good father, husband,  a hardworking director and he loved his job, gave it all his efforts !!!
But police... They got to know that their money was dirty... No, it could not be true... His father was excellent! She would never believe it...
   She had nothing now... She"s nothing now... The world around her is nothing too. There is an abyss in the end of her way...
   She was standing on the stone looking down at the abyss. A step she could take... And she will be free... but free like a bloodless bird without wings...
   She had nothing. The fate left her only one way out... It was the death.
   She was looking around and smiling. It was really unimaginable sight. She smiling like a happiest person in the universe.
   She had nothing... No more parents and friends, love and pleasure, beauty, treasure and glory....She has nothing... But she"s free. Never she felt free like she did in that moment.
   She took a step looking at the skies and gritting  her teeth. Then she said: " Oh, God, forgive me my sin...You showed me the way and I couldn"t see it. Now I can... I lived in the world that I hated. Now I love my life...Forgive me I was blind to the world...I know I am not a bird and I am not able to fly... You gave me the life and then you saved it...And I really want to go on..."
   



Тумана клубья льются, как река,
И тёмный силуэт издалека
Как будто ветром ночи принесен
И мглою этой зябкой обожжен.

Дорога длинная усыпана гранитом
И неба полоса с холмами слита.
Она ступает больно по земле,
Купаясь в этой непробудной мгле.

Путь этот пыльный тянется вперед,
А странница бежит, ломая лед,
Который треском в сердце раздается...
Лицо все мокрое от слез. Она смеётся.

Дорога темная оборвана. Скала.
Остаток прошлого снимает. Как стрела
Летит кольцо то в пропасть со слезой,
Теперь ничем не держит мир пустой.

Расправив крылья, в небо смотрит,
И, закрывая веки, в глубь души уходит.
Воспоминанья, как обрывок фотопленки:
Вот дом родителей, когда была ребенком...

Имела, все, что можно получить,
Жила сполна, как и мечтала жить.
Друзья, наряды, вечеринки, слава.
Но разве это всё она тогда желала?

Мелькают платья, громкий раздается смех,
Всё кружится в метели, будто снег:
Мужчины, что дарили сотни роз,
И он, казалось, что любовь принес...

Подруги, с кем болтала и смеялась,
Родители, в которых так нуждалась,
Вокруг неё, как будто стая пчёл,
Шампанское, что вылилось на стол...

От ярких красок спрятались они,
Здесь тихий бриз и тусклые огни.
Его нежны так поцелуи, но фальшивы,
Его слова прекрасны, но и лживы.

Они стоят, бросая взгляды в воду,
И волны темные поют любви им оду.
Она должна быть счастлива сейчас,
Но нет... Ей отвратителен тот час.

Она одна, внимая запах моря,
Звук тишины скольженью яхты вторит,
Так наслаждается моментом этим,
Как будто Ей луна лишь светит.

Огонь вдруг беспощадный, словно зверь,
Ворвался в тот мирок, ломая дверь,
Которая соединяла звон монет
С завядшим миром горьких бед.

Дым чёрный валит, затмевая небо.
Хрустальный замок пал, как будто не был
Он даже миром этим упомянут.
Букет стеклянных роз... Но и они завянут.

Вокруг лишь только пламя языки
Терзают тело, словно острые клинки.
Тут крики, зовы, плач, мольба,
Что заберёт с собой вода.

Настало утро. Новый день настал.
И первый солнца луч ей написал:
Жизнь прежняя разбилась, как стекло,
Всё что имела - море унесло.

Отец и мать, любимый и богатство -
Как тяжело ей с этим всем расстаться.
В душе лишь боль утраты и печаль,
Но, Господи, ей этого не жаль.

Она черства, как камень, и свободна,
Она играет сo стихией водной,
В своё бросая камни отражение,
В котором лишь кошмарное видение.

Где ж те друзья, по жизни что с ней были,
Где парни, что её боготворили,
Где слава, праздники, успех
И где людишек беззаботный смех?

Она стоит у моря, словно тень -
Она уже не встретит новый день.
Теперь лишь отблеск тусклый жизни прежней,
А там, внизу - зов вод безбрежных.

Слеза упала на кровавый шрам,
Но в этом мире места нет слезам,
Лишь нежным крикам птиц бескрылых,
Воспоминаниям, которых море смыло.

Ничто её не сможет удержать,
Ей в этом мире нечего терять,
Лишь душу и мечты свои.
Они ж давно утеряны, увы.

Она ведь смысла жизни не нашла,
В деньгах купалась, так легко жила,
Была прекрасна, как богиня,
Но пламя выжгло всё отныне.

Зачем ей жить? Она всё потеряла.
Вот выход: взмыть, врезаясь в скалы.
Но как она всё потерять могла,
Если себя в том мире не нашла?

Расправив крылья, в небо смотрит,
Закрыла очи, в сердца глубь уходит.
Воспоминанья мутны, словно сон,
Улыбкой чистой облик озарён.

 - Прости, мой Бог, за то, что я глупа,
Прости, что была к миру так слепа.
Не чайка я и к небу не взлечу...
Ты дал мне жизнь и как я жить хочу!

                13.03.2000