Painkillers

The sun is shining right in my eyes, but something is seeping through my soul. The disgusting gray drizzle that just can’t stop dripping on my heart and brain. Feeling betrayed, as if your best friend just slapped you in the face. No, that’s just too easy…he didn’t slap you, he spitted at you and then he turned his back. And now you are standing here all alone…absolutely no thoughts, no ideas what to do, not even tears to cry…only powerless stupid words, stupid thoughts. Once you’ve said it’s already too late…the word is too big to be taken back…we hurt other people’s feelings so easy. We speak out loud once more, and somebody is despaired…but when you start to think it’s already too late. The window is already opened and something is seeping through your soul. And you can try to stop the gunshot, but isn’t the bullet too close to heart? Too close…it’s already in it…the time has stopped and you can’t understand is it the eternity or the last second of your so useless life…somebody’s hand has closed your eyes…the closest friend…but you are too far away. Too close…too late.
The look that once was brighter than the sun faded away. Eyes of my happiness turned their color into the sorrow. The words that once were full of joy now are full of emptiness. And the most important thing just disappeared…sorry, that’s all. No more smiles, no laughter…there is only debt, but whom do you have to pay it? You have to live, there are a lot of things to do, but is it something you were looking for? You are too empty too tired even though something is living in your lonely little soul. I tried so hard to let it go but it just won’t go away. Is it love, friendship, hatred? How am I supposed to deny it when you’ve already told me too much? I can’t even get rid of all these foolish lies, stupid faces, empty masks? I can’t but do I want to?
My eyes are closing not even noticing that I’m flowing into my own little word. It’s quite there, there is only me and the thoughts-butterflies. I feel sun shining through me, and I know that it’ll stop drizzling as soon as…as soon as tomorrow comes. But I’m happy today I know that…though sun is coming down on me with a smile of a thousands enemies, knowing that one more step and you’ll be in their hands. All I can do is just lift my hands above my head and wait. Wait for the mercy or whatever may come, but I’m not going to. I know that the sunburn is much more painful on the face than on the back and I run, run as fast as I can to the nearest mansion of pain, I want to sell my heart for a little bit of a painkillers, so that I can forget who was chasing me and never again let somebody hold me. I can almost hear a gunshot, I feel the bullet tearing up the air screen around me. It feels like a movie, put down on a pause when you see from the inside of the TV people’s faces, doing something, making plans not even caring why and where are you running. And then it all starts ones again, and you run, run to sell a little bit more of you to buy the evil seed of the egoism and let dream one more day. A day in the fields of dreams may destroy you physiologically, may tear you apart, put your brain in your hands and your eyes in your heart, make you forget what you were doing 10 minutes ago, feeling like there’s only 10 seconds left to lift of from the earth.
Give up on your life…the sun will eventually catch you and you’ll disappear in the chocolate sky filled with praline stars, with a bitter taste of painkillers.