The Fallen Temple

 

They always say that happiness appears “right out of the blue”. I heard it all the time, but never could understand it in its entire complacence. I thought that you could be happy reading a finely written book, about hope. You could watch some comedy movie and be happy. Some friend could tell you a joke that would please you and pleasure, I thought was happiness.

You could graduate with an A+ degree and be happy or you could get a job of your dreams and be happy as well.

I had my moments when I watched hilarious comedies and heard wonderful jokes. I had graduations and jobs and cars of my dreams and I thought that I was happy.

But I always thought about all these things and never could understand, how any of these things could materialize right out of the blue. I couldn’t at the same time just discard such a popular understanding of the origin of happiness.

Then someone told me that no material happiness comes right out of the blue. When happiness befalls on you “right out of the blue”, it’s real happiness: happiness, calmness and satisfaction of soul. And that real happiness had nothing to do with Physics.

Despite all my attempts, I couldn’t figure out what real happiness was, till I met her.

She really came right out of the blue. I didn’t know her. I had no plans of knowing her. But at a party, where I had invited one of my female friends, I met her. That female friend really interested me and on that particular day I had decided to bring my feelings, out in the open, before her. But guess what! I never had a chance to talk to my friend, about all that I thought about her. She left too early, because she had to go to work, early in the morning.

But that heavenly beauty, which practically landed out of heavens before me, was still there. Her name was Anna. She came there with a friend of hers, who in turn was my very close friend’s girl friend. My friend’s girl, whom I used to call Mama, performed the introductions.

We all sat together at a table, drank beer and talked about what ever possible. Then Anna just got up and went away. I waited for her to come back, but when she didn’t return, I went looking for her. I saw her standing by the dance floor, along with two other males, who were probably asking her for a dance or maybe something else. I couldn’t figure out what happened, but I felt an urge to show them boys, that she was with me. So I just went in, held her hand and saying: “ Excuse us!» just snatched her out of their net. As if God wanted it so, right at that moment the DJ put on “The un-chained melody” and I didn’t hesitate in asking her for a dance. She put her hand on my shoulder and we un-chained ourselves to the rhythm.

After that dance we couldn’t get away from each other.

After sometime we decided to go out in the street, take a stroll and cool down a little. Out there I told her all that I could about myself and asked her about what she did and all that regular stuff. While she talked, I looked at her and I could see the Aphrodite in flesh and bone. She was tall, standing taller than my shoulder, with long dark hair and a child like soft skin. Out there in the street, while she talked, I put my hand around her waist and brought her closer. Her soft, but confidant voice, echoed in my ears and I could enjoy the music of her words.

Then we decided to turn back. Turning back, she came face to face with me and as my arm was around her waist, I didn’t have no problem in moving her in closer to me, so close that her heart seemed to be beating inside my own chest. I kissed her on the lips and the warmth of her lips and her closed eyes encouraged me to kiss her deeper and longer and more sensual.

That kiss drove me crazy. It got tough for me to not repeat it and go even further. But at the same time I remembered that we were in a dark side alley and that it wasn’t a grade school kissing experience, so taking hold of ourselves, we started back to the party place. On the way back her arm was also around my waist and her head was resting on my left shoulder.

I might had stayed at that party till 5 or 6 in the morning, but along with her I couldn’t hold myself back for so long. Back at the party, we isolated ourselves from the rest and with each passing minute the intervals between those sweet kisses, got shorter and shorter and shorter.

At around 2:00 am, I proposed to leave. She said that it was ok with her to leave, but what about our friends. I said that our friends were grown-up people and could find their way back home by themselves. She agreed, we put on our jackets and left without even telling anyone. We headed to my place.

I the morning, when we left together, from my apartment and even took the same bus downtown, I never asked her to give me a call later on. I didn’t even tell her if I would come over to her place, or if I’d like to see her again. We simply parted without agreeing on meeting again. While she was getting off the bus, I could see that in her looks was a question, asking: “ When are we gonna meet again?” I could answer that question without an asking, but I didn’t want to. Why?

Because I was infatuated. I didn’t want that infatuation to overrun my rationality. The rational thing was to let the emotions come back to normal and then see if I wanted to see her or not or vice-versa.

She got off the bus with that question remaining un-asked, let alone answered.

All day that, she remained dominant in my thoughts, despite my perceiving her as nothing more than a one night stand. I suppressed my thoughts, overrode my urges and as I thought, succeeded in putting my thoughts back inline.

But she was too persistent. She refused to get out of my mind. She was still there and she was dominant. I slept attempting to forget her and expected a fade out by the morning, but that fade out never occurred. She even dared intruding my dreams. Why was that Eve so persistent? I couldn’t get it.

The next day I tried all day to generalize her. I looked around at all possible females to prove to myself that there was nothing special about her. She was just another gal. I forced myself into believing this, but the more I looked around the more special she kept getting. Her confidant, masculine style, combined with the utmost feminine touch and the warmth of her, made her somebody particular. That strange combination in a girl, punching accurately and energetically and with the same pair of hard-looking tender hands taking you to heaven with a single touch, was impossible to find. She roared like a Jaguar, but inside of her she was a fluffy Persian cat. She could talk, but she could also listen. She could wear a serious look, but there wasn’t ever even a single wrinkle on her forehead. She could stand up for herself, but inside of her she was so defenseless. She was sensuous, but she didn’t have that hooker like out-look. She was dominant, but still she was so submissive.

I had understood that in just a few hours that I had passed with her and that perfection that I had found in her, forced me to believe that I was exaggerating her image. That’s why I had taken that time-out to bring her image down to earthly proportions. But with every passing hour she kept getting taller and taller.

Two days after we had parted, in that bus, I decided to go to the hostel, where she lived and see her. Because I thought that maybe seeing her in life, would help me cease my idolizing her. I thought that I might see her with some other man in her room and that would prove, that I really exaggerated everything about her.

I asked my same friend, whose girl had introduced me with Anna, to accompany me to the hostel. His girl friend also lived in the same hostel, but on a different floor. We went straight to Mama’s room.

Seeing us there, Mama was pleasantly surprised. We settled down, I on the chair and my friend and Mama on the couch and got busy in our regular chitchat. I especially didn’t ask about Anya. I knew that the news about us being there would spread around real fast, since the hostel was mainly female populated and knowing that women folk like to keep an open eye towards the others, I was sure that from top to bottom everyone would soon know that two males had come to Mama’s room and so would Anya.

My study of general female character proved to be right, because some 15 minutes after our arrival in that room, the door opened without a knock and Anya entered. She was wearing a black sports trouser with a light military jacket on top. Damn! As I already had concluded a Persian cat in a Puma hide. She first said hello to my friend and then turned towards me. I said hello, but didn’t make no move to kiss her a “Hello” or hug her. I didn’t move and she didn’t stimulate me, in any manner, to do so. She just passed by and sat on the bed.

I looked at her and thought that I had made a mistake by not kissing her straight away, but then I thought that it was better that I didn’t go out showing my feelings. I wanted her to make a move or at least wanted to see if she would.

We all talked and had tea, but I didn’t say anything directly to Anya and she didn’t do so as well. We both just looked at each other from time to time, but both were determined to hold our respective grounds.

I had started thinking that she was probably not paying any attention to me and most probably the reason why she came around to that room was not me. Before she entered that room; maybe she didn’t even know that I was there.

I started feeling un-easy, because I could see that my evaluation about her being very tender and feminine was right. She was not making a move. She was waiting, like a lady, for me to come ahead. That military jacket didn’t give her the masculine courage of saying: “What the hell do you think you are doing sitting down here. Let’s go up to my room and be all by ourselves.”

I hadn’t gone there to let her image grow taller. I had come to find something, some very little thing, in her, that would let me devaluate her for myself. I wanted to ruin her image in my mind. I wanted to line her up with all those, brightly painted, and dressed in mini skirts and over exposing tops, girls, with whom you could have sex and nothing more. Girls, who could never mean anything special for you, girls, whose telephone #s help you, when you’re sexually frustrated or lonely. Girls, whose kisses and hugs and all the rest gets warmer and softer with every new shot of Whisky or with every next dollar bill that you spend on them. But out there the case was different. Instead of getting mixed-up with the crowd, Anya had risen higher and more prominent for me.

I decided to call it the quits and we left just as we had arrived, but by the time that we left Anya had grown into a goddess.

I had always been a God fearing creature, so I couldn’t turn my back on a goddess. I decided to go ahead with it. I decided to build a shrine for the goddess.

We met for a few times and I got sure of her status, I bowed in front of her. I put aside all my self-esteem and ego and told the goddess about the shrine, which I had built for her in my heart. I told her: “I love you”, and the goddess accepted me in her service. She opened the twelve gates of her paradise for me and I entered her abode.

Life got really great. I lost that life long feeling of being lonely. She was with me everywhere. She shared all my laughters and tears. She offered me her hand whenever I was shaken. She blessed me, when I tried to venture into lands unknown. She hugged me, when I slept, so that I won’t be scared in my sleep. I confessed all my sins and she showered me with benevolence. She stood by me in the time of need. She devoted all herself to me, so that I could develop myself. She corrected me when I was wrong. She honored my, sometimes even un-fair, emotions. She allowed me to dominate her kingdom. She simply did all that I could expect her to do for me.

In the beginning I never missed a service at her shrine. I observed all the rituals of love and devotion. I kept telling her that she was the one and only goddess and that her wish was my command. But as time passed and I got sure that my services had been accepted, I started skipping services. I told her many times that I was monotheist and I was sure that she believed me.

That strong honest belief of mine, in a way, encouraged me to take things for granted. I was already sure that the throne of her heart, where she had seated me, was undisputed. I knew that if I won’t attend services for a longer period of time, she would understand that I had to be busy, truing to enhance her paradise. I thought it very rational to expect her to understand me sometimes, without my spending any energy, on uttering words. I could understand her without words.

Sometimes she would complain, but I would always tell her that goddess don’t let others interfere and trust me that I’m humble.

She never accepted my argument about external interference, but I knew that some Satan would certainly attempt at making her believe that I was a sinner and my place wasn’t in the paradise. Despite her being the supreme goddess of the shrine, I always feared that she might make the mistake of believing those satanic rumors and might close the 12 gates for me. I always asked her to never make any substantial decisions, without giving me a chance to filter out and clear the doubts.

Then once I left her for sometime. I had a mission to accomplish and thought it better to show up before her, after the accomplishment. The job was tougher than I had expected it to be. It took a lot longer than I anticipated.

I hadn’t yet accomplished my goal, but since a long time had passed I thought it better to show-up and tell her all about the complications that I was facing. I just didn’t want her to have any misunderstandings. I didn’t want her to think that I had forgotten her or worse that I had started praying in front of a new goddess.

I appeared in her court. As I went up to her, I heard a satanic voice saying: “Look at this!”

I waned to tell the one, who had uttered those words, to shut the fuck up! But I had to keep my calm, because this was all just between me and my goddess and those by standers, who wanted to make it a public affair, wanted me to give them a chance to indulge in our very personal affair.

I approached her and said: “Hello!”

She just looked up at me with fury and hatred. Oh God! My worst expectations had come true.

I said: “Won’t you even like to answer my hello?”

She said: “Why have you come here?”
I was dumb struck, but I managed to utter: “I came to see you!”

She replied angrily: “I don’t want to see you.”

I asked her to let me get closer. She allowed and I sat down in her feet. She looked down at me with un-imaginable hatred.

I said: “I knew that you’d be angry, but please let me explain everything.”

She said: “I don’t need no explanation. We’re done with. Go where you’ve been all this time.”

I couldn’t say anything in response, because I could feel a lot of ears eavesdropping and a lot of irrelevant eyes looking at us. I asked her if it was possible for us to get away from those spectators. She acknowledged my request and we went away.

Being already all by ourselves, the first thing she said, was: “Take your things and disappear.”

I said: “Have you erased my name from the list of your beloved ones?”

She said, very affirmatively and flatly: “Yes!”

I tried to tell her why I hadn’t come earlier, but she told me that those lame excuses wouldn’t make any difference.

I couldn’t hold back my tears, because I had just then realized that I had lost her for good and that I was all alone once again.

Seeing the tears in my eyes, she said: “Don’t think that I’d pity you!”

I said: “I don’t want no pity. These tears busted out, because coming to you I had thought that I was coming to my goddess: The one who’d understand me; the one who’d forgive me; the one who’d give me a chance.”

She said: “Had to think about it earlier. It’s too late now”, and with that she re-entered her own zone and I was left out there in the cold, with those tears flowing down my cheeks and my heart about to burst.

I stood there and with a very swift motion she closed the 12 gates of heaven right in my face.