Belief

I tried it all, but still I can’t help it when I come across a girl. When I say, “I’ve tried it” I don’t mean that I’ve experimented. I‘ve never done that. I’ve never got into a relationship, with the intention to experiment. But in the end of the love affair, and it always ends, my knowledge of a women and relations always gets enriched.
I was probably born under a female star, because even then, when I didn’t have any idea of a relationship or better say didn’t even know the word, I was making cross sexual relations. My first such relation or something that I term as a relations now, sprinted in the kindergarten. Back then I used to be a very quiet child. My quietness went so far as to make me a totally unsociable kid. And then one day I noticed her.
She was quit, bright eyed, talkative, active and very sociable. Everybody liked her, but she probably liked me. Why? Back then I never thought about it and couldn’t figure out, even if I would have thought over it. She probably liked me because I never hassled her. I could listen to her for as long as she would like to talk, and she liked to talk long. I could probably convey the interest, with which I listened to her, sometimes meaningless, narrations. She could order me to sit up and listen and I would do that where as none of the other guys would have done that. She even bullied me sometimes, but I never knew what bullying was. But despite all these talks she never confessed that, she loved me. I just took it to be so, because I wanted it to be so.
I on my hand had already planned the whole life with her, despite the fact that I never new what planning or life was. I visualized her face, when I would be at home or away from the kindergarten. Only after a few years at school, I did understand that, such visions were called fantasies, so I had been fantasizing about her all along.
Those one-side fantasies continued till her parents decided to move out to another town. One bright morning she didn’t came to the kindergarten and that absence never ended. A few days later I understood that she wouldn’t be coming any more and that was the end of the kindergarten for me.
That “la storia infinita” of all those relations and fantasies and plans continued all through my life. I grew-up, graduated from high school, graduated from college and graduated from university with A+ grades and in a very young age, but my undergraduate at the school of life and love had been a whole lot tougher. At school I never flunked, but in life I often did.
Well my first real love affair also started in a young age and grew with time. Her name was Nayyar. She was the daughter of a family friend and was just 9 month and 3 days younger than me. She also grew tall, had black hair, dark eyes and a very golden natural tan. We were friends with her from very young years and we were good friends. She was the only person with whom I could talk. I never had any difficulty in passing my message to her. I used to talk to her about all the girls in my class, who made my heart go boom. She always used to listen to all of that with interest and sometimes even teased me over the matter. She would always asked me about the girl in whom I’d be interested at the given point of time and would tried to make me understand that that girl might not be as beautiful or grate as I thought. But I never agreed with her. I always told her that she knew no shit about girls and she always negated that concept.
She used to tell me how she loved talking to me and how she loved being with me and how she hated waiting if I wouldn’t come around as usual. But I never gave much head about her words. I always took her use of the word “love” to be a mistaken synonym for the word “like”. When we were both in college, in different colleges, she even t old me straight a few times that she loved me, but I still took it to be an exaggerated friendly gesture.
It was only, when I was in the university and was far away from her, that I did for the first time realize that we did have something more than just a friendly relation between us. I acknowledged for the first time that all along running after all those different girls, the one that I really loved was the one with whom I always talked about my fantasies.
Even after realizing and acknowledging that, it took me quite a long time to gather the courage and tell her about the revelation. I did call her and started talking, but to my great surprise, whenever the words about my loving her tried to surface, I couldn’t let them out. It got tough for me to say : “I love you!” to a person, with whom I could always talk so freely: a person who knew mw from the time when we both used to run around in the yard, dressed in our diapers.
Shortly saying it took me a few months and a double digit number of calls to just tell Nayyar that I loved her. But once I uttered those words, all the hurdles, which had erected in my imagination, just collapsed and I got back close to her. It was only then that I started fantasizing about her. Correctly saying it was only then that I started envisioning her confidently.
The reason why it took me so long to gather the courage to tell her that I loved her was that I wasn’t sure about her reaction. I knew her very well, but still I was afraid that she might say that she didn’t love me and had she said that it would had been a demeaning revelation and I wasn’t ready to be demeaned. It was only then that I understood that all those girls, about whom I thought that I loved them, I never did. With them the question of self-esteem never came up and I never felt scared. I never had that fear of loss.
Then after graduating from the university and getting on the job, when the idea of marriage came to my mind, I didn’t take long in proposing. She said: “Yes.”, and we got into planning the wedding. She was probably only planning the wedding, but she didn’t know that I had already planned our family, the home and even the kids. So everything was kindda fixed-up. We had opted for a date in April and all my plans were worked out accordingly. We had already bought her wedding dress and all the accessories that she needed. We had agreed upon the upon the hotel, where the ceremony was to take place. We agreed upon the destination for our honey moon and I already knew that April through June I won’t be working.
So to avoide any back logs, I decided to finish up as much of the work that i could before April and then take a long leave and enjoy the initial time of my, to be, family life.
I went away andgot back a few days later than I was supposed to. Once I got back, it got clear to me that the family that I fantasized about couldn’t become thing of reality.
Why?
 Because my long time love, my best friend and girl friend and as of late my fiance, Nayyar had already married someone else.
That was the end of the world for me. I had no reason to trust, let alone love any girl after that. I understood that love is magic word that you use to lay down a babe, who otherwise makes it hard for you to seduce her down. Love meant only making love and that love, as I perceived it earlier, was nothing more than a hoax and the only place where it exists was the pages of the classical literaturary books.
I understood for the first time that women are one of the biblical locks that not everyone could undo. I realized for the first time that all those women with whom I had those one night stands, in fact played around with me and not vice-versa. I came to realize the fact that the more a woman knows about you the stronger she feels and easier it gets for her to play with you. She lets you play with her body, so that she could play with your emotions.
I never understood earlier that when a guy lies down on a girl’s breast and listening to her heart beat, spells out his honest feelings, her heart beat doesn’t even change, when she listens to all of that and feels utmost happy that she had conquered the guy’s trust and with that had found the key to his heart.
It took me a few months to at least figure out that it wasn’t the end of the world and with that I started looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Soon I spotted the light and understood that I had to be an optimist in the love affairs just as I had always been an optimist in all other affairs.
I came across a lot of females after that. As per my good first lesson for free, i tried to control my emotions and keep my rationality alive even in the bed and that helped me, because I could play the love chess better than the females I met, but still a few good players did come around.
What does that mean?
It means that I did get deep in love a few more times, but it all boiled down to the same point: The crash and everytime it happened my perceptions got clearer and clearer.
But God damn it, what can I do? I’m an optimist and I can’t do anything about it. You what’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? The difference is grand. Whenever there’s a problem, the pessimist says: “Oh it’s bad.” The optimist says: “No it could had been worse.”
So keeping the traditions, I haven’t quit my quest for the worst. The last time, when I got butt kicked in a love affair, I was about broken and was ready to declare my retitrement from that quest. But it just took a few one-night stands and Her appearance on the horizon, for me to start rethinking my decision about retirement.
I mean she’s good. She’s different and the most interesting thing is that it didn’t take long for me to understand her strong and weak points and with that my confidence got boosted. After all those flunking experiences in life, I at least know that this time, to bust my balls, she’d need to extract some very unusual from down her sleeve and I’m sure that it would be nearly impossible to have such a trick up the sleeve.
Anyway I’m back at the same place, where I had been a lot of times and just as always I’m again sure that there is love and love ain’t just a pain. I’m sure that love is source of happiness and satisfaction. Love is as important as air in your life.
With her I’ve again found a reason to live and a reason to live with interest.
She’s there. The love is there. I’m here, but all the other attributes are also present. I know that I really love her, because that old fear of lose has again raised it’s head and I can’t utter those three words, just being afraid.
I know that she won’t say: “No.” I know that she’s waiting for me to say it. But what if I’m wrong?