Forgive me, Petra - english

ÇÄÅÑÜ ÐÓÑÑÊÈÉ ÂÀÐÈÀÍÒ:    http://www.proza.ru/2006/06/11-27

Translated by Olga Redekop.     http://www.proza.ru/avtor/heile

- Daddy, when I grow up, will you leave mum and marry me?
- Princesses, what are you saying? Why should I leave mum?
- Well, you always say you love me most of all, I am the most beautiful, the best ever?
- That’s a capriccio.., you see, that time when I grow up I will be too old for you. But I know for sure as I am a film director you will marry a prince.., he will come to you riding a white horse…
- And then I will be a real princess?
- Petra, sunny, for me you are now already a real princess. For the New Year morning performance mum will make you a beautiful princess’ dress and you will see how everybody at school will admire you.

At the morning performance Petra was in a princess’ beautiful dress, her mum was a film studio costumer and sewed all clothes for actors herself. But nobody admired Petra, everybody looked at her as at daughter of Motherland’s betrayer. Dad went to America to take part in the film festival, Petra remembers how he was telling mother what stupid tests and medical examinations he had to take, how much time it took him and it bothered him at work. Also she remembers dad coming into her room early in the morning, it was dawning, she woke up at once, opened her eyes, he bended over her, gave her a smack on the cheek and said quiet:
- Forgive me, Petra…
Petra was not much interested in her Motherland, but she was accepted to pioneers’ organization the last in the class, and only after her new young teacher had insisted on it – a child is not responsible for parents’ deeds.

Petra retreated into herself, she hardly said a word, waited for dad coming back and more and more at heart she reproached mum, “If you meant for dad the same as I did, he would have never left us”. And meanwhile she reproached father and couldn’t forgive him, “How could you abandon me, how can you live without me, not seeing me, your best, the most beautiful sweet Petra? This means you’ve told lies to me.., I am not the only, the best! You’ve lied…” Petra had a friend, whose parents even envied her dad and understood him, if they had such a possibility to escape from the GDR, they would go away in that clothes they had on. Petra and Emma were friends since the first class, they shared the same desk. When in the sixth form Petra fell in love with Frank, Emma was the first to know it, and when they started dating, i.e. went to the cinema twice and kissed each other, the girls discussed it and laughed merrily. Emma also advised what to do when Frank wanted love in bed:
- Girl, are you crazy? Don’t look at others, if he loves he will be patient, and you will find out if you really matter anything to him. This you can have whenever you’d like, in a month, in a year, but that time it will be already for sure he has serious intentions, not just to shag you.

Petra believed her friend, and almost at once, at her next refusal, Frank lost any interest for her, but that one appeared towards Emma, who lied with him without her pervious philosophies. They became a couple, and Petra had nothing to do than to watch it. Emma got pregnant in the tenth form, and married Frank after final exams. Betrayal again, now one of her first love and best friend.

Since that Petra trusted nobody, she was not frank when speaking to her mother. She saw and realized mum suffered from dad’s betrayal in her own way, it was also difficult for her to accept his escape from her, from them all, survive after that, and nevertheless mum-and-daughter relationship was respectful but not close. Petra graduated from the pedagogical institute, was placed to work as a junior school teacher in a village. Using old connections of her dad one documentary film maker found for Petra a job as librarian in a small children’s library. There she was entirely on her own, a cleaning lady came at the end of the day, and that fitted her perfectly. Petra left from mother’s home for a two-room apartment in a high-rise building near her working place. Work – home, home – work.., and soon she is thirty five; exactly on the New Year’s Day she had her birthday. Everything what any horoscopes wrote about her had nothing similar with reality. She was not as steady as Saturn, Petra didn’t go to her aim – she simply had none. This condition could be named so – she lied on her back and was swimming with stream with closed eyes thinking and dreaming about nothing.

Petra had a dream about dad.., she woke up in tears, in the dream she was a small girl, even didn’t go to school, and she was trying to persuade dad to marry her when Petra grew up, and leave mum. Dad replied, “When you grow up, princess, a prince on the white horse will come to you and take you to live in the castle. That time I will be too old for you…”
That was a dream. She woke up and thought, and thought, “Why did I have such a dream, should I perhaps change anything in my life? Why did dad say it, can I now marry, meet a reliable man, live happily, love and bear children? As all, as everybody else? But isn’t it too late? I am almost thirty-five! Emma soon will have grandchildren, her son is one head taller than me, I’ve seen this. My peers are grannies already, and I.., no, that mustn’t be so…”

It was Sunday, end of November, but this year snowy and frosty winter burst into Germany. In order not to think about dad, about “what does it all mean?” she started cleaning up. Here – there, but thoughts were coming back to that dream, and at the end of the day Petra typed an ad to send it to a paper: “Woman, 35 years old, average appearance, is looking for a reliable friend for interesting communication”.
“What, - thought Petra, - I am well-read, educated, it will surely be interesting with me! If nothing happens, anyway I will have something in my life to remember later. It’s impossible to live like this: work – home, home – work!” Paper with Petra’s ad was published on Wednesday, the whole week Petra went home an hour earlier, what if they would call before six? Maybe it was not convenient to call from home, mum could stand by, and a man would decide to call from work, but Petra wouldn’t answer?

A little fool, she should have written “call from 5 p.m. till… morning”. She was not able to concentrate on the book she was reading, all her thoughts were riveted on this red plastic phone that previously had been completely of no use to her. And she had lived without any troubles and excitements before, just lived, why did she need all this now? Yep.., I saw dad in that dream and it turned everything upside-down.., what will happen now and where is this his prince? I.e. my prince? If he hadn’t stayed there.., I can imagine this, I would be now in his circle, he would certainly film me, perhaps I could become a movie star? Did he think about me, did you think about me, daddy? “Forgive me, Petra…” Ah, it is so easy to say.., how should I forgive him now … I’d wish I knew if he films there, or he’s just a dogsbody?

Her thoughts were disturbed with a phone call, how many times did it ring in her head, and now it was ringing indeed, yes.., that was Petra’s phone calling, that didn’t work for years and was even disconnected in order that nobody called with “sorry, wrong number, congratulations, you have won!!!” And who cared if this lady had ever taken part in a lottery?  The phone was ringing persistently, and instead of running to it as it had been imagined by Petra before, she could hardly reach the hall.
- Hello.., - Petra couldn’t recognize her own voice; she was training this “hello” in front of wardrobe and bathroom mirrors all week long. A pleasant male voice on the other end of the line asked compassionately:
- Woman, 35 years old, average appearance, have you caught cold?
- No, I am healthy, are you calling regarding the ad?
- Sure, regarding the ad, - decided she at once, what a stupid question she asked, oh no.., what will he think about me now?
Petra’s heart was about to jump out, a man with such a pleasant voice couldn’t be some bum, definitely he was… a prince…
What if dad was right? It is so.., I will forgive dad, forgive everything…
- My name is Petra…
- Oh, you have such a beautiful name! My name is Swen, I am nine years elder, is it ok with you?
- Sure…
- Let’s meet tomorrow, Petra, and know each other better?
- Have nothing against it, where?
- At the Brandenburger Tor, there’s a little caf; not far away, probably there?
- It’s a long way.., why exactly at the Tor?
Swen replied:
- This place is special for me, I like looking through them and dreaming one day I freely go there, to the West, just through this Tor. I called you also not only from curiosity, I was dreaming as well, and decided to put these two dreams together. I can meet you anywhere, I’ll drive a car…
Oh, he’s got a car.., well, yes, he’s over forty, he has lived till this time, worked, purchased something…
- No need, I’ll come up to the Tor, at what time will you be waiting for me?
- I’ll be waiting for you with the paper with your ad, ok?

“The date is arranged at the Brandenburger Tor, at a caf;, at five p.m. Oh my God, what should I put on? I have to buy a new dress, have a shower right in the morning, did it yesterday, but it was yesterday… Manicure.., ah.., if I like him so much I can find myself in my or his bed? Then I need to make a stop at the drugstore to buy some pills, have no great desire to get pregnant… Should I probably buy a rubber? No.., can a man with such a voice be sick? Thus I can lose my mind and recover only when he gets off… Who knows, everybody speaks about sex, maybe… I am lucky to find problems.., have been living calm and now – oh, dear!”

Petra went to bed and then only remembered – she never used any cr;mes, for hands and night ones only, she had also to visit a beauty salon, refresh face ad neck. As it was thought, it was done. Sharp at five Petra was at the caf;’s threshold and immediately her eyes met a handsome man dressed up in an elegant suit. He stood up, came to her, greeted, kissed on the cheek and brought her holding under her hand to the table having nodded a waiter asking to serve them.

They were sitting opposite each other, Petra started the first:
- If you are an easy-rider, you’ve lost, I have nothing.
He smiled:
- Why do you think I am an easy-rider, did people often tell lies and used you?
- No.., not often, but this happened. But is it possible such handsome men like you find someone through the paper? Women must be chasing you.
- Petra, never say to anyone he’s handsome, otherwise he believes it and begins to compare you with himself. I think the most beautiful in me is my Scandinavian name, and everything else, as you’ve written here, - he looked down at the paper, - is of “average appearance”. Yes, you’ve tricked me, I am afraid of beautiful women; they have already let me down.
He offered Petra the rose. She took it and buried her nose in its center:
- Swen, how did you know, rose is my favorite flower, the red rose specially?
He answered smiling:
- I’ve chosen it to my own liking, I adore red roses.
Swen was openly admiring Petra… Petra meanwhile was thinking, “If you have a look at me in the morning.., will he perhaps see me tomorrow? I made all this beauty with money and time, and I don’t regret.., now in my life there’s this caf; and this luxurious man. He may say “good-bye, call you later” and disappear forever, but I will have had this conversation and this evening.

The waiter came, Petra asked for hot chocolate with ice-cream, he did the same.
- You may offer something stronger.
- And again, here our tastes match, I always take the same for me.
- You don’t say so!
- I’m also surprised.., among all alternatives you’ve chosen exactly what I like. What a coincidence again, as with the rose?
When Petra returned from the ladies’ room there were two ballet tickets near her ice-cream bowl that rather resembled a huge wine glass.
- Oh.., I adore ballet!!! I even attended a ballet class for half a year when I was a kid, but I stretch out a copula and stopped it.
Petra took the tickets and read “The Nutcracker”:
- The Nutcracker!!! I watched it on TV, once a Moscow Ballet came here… but I have never been to the theatre.
- Why?
- Well.., there was nobody to go with…

And there was ballet, and the night, and the morning…
- Petra.., how could it be so, you are thirty-five, you are such a beautiful woman, now - woman, and you happened to be a virgin?
Petra was keeping silent.., how could she say nobody had needed her, courted her till now?
- Didn’t dream I would ever have a virgin, you are my first and last virgin.
Petra didn’t go to work, that was good she had no manager, children came to the library and went home with books. The lady might get sick, and how many children could come that day, just a couple… And Swen also made a call somewhere, to his place of work, where and who else? Petra herself heard it, she was in the kitchen, how he asked for two days of leave, he had them.

It was snowing with rain hard and they decided to spend all day at home, Swen wanted to know everything about Petra, he happened to hear about that scandal, when a film director stayed for living in America without his family, alone, escaped from the film festival. He even read about it in a paper, that man was filming something there.
- So are you his daughter?
- Swen.., I wanna know nothing about him.., it hurts me till now, he abandoned me… Changed me for Hollywood…
They were sitting hugging each other under the plaid and watching a photo album:
- Sugar, here you’re wearing a princess’ dress, with a crown on your head, and everywhere there are pictures next to you, here Prince Rudolf, here Carl?
- Dad called me princess.., in childhood I believed it…

Already a month Swen has been living with Petra, drives to work, somewhere to construction department, comes back in the evening and it goes like they are a real strong family. Petra liked to cook and wait for Swen, she closed the library at noon, as she had to spruce up, make dinner, do some shopping, now she was not alone, and time was flying with Cupid’s arrow! The New Year’s Eve was approaching, Petra wondered if Swen remembered when her birthday was. And if yes, what present will he give? He asked someday about her birthday, she gave a quick reply. He seemed not to pay any attention, or he did it deliberately, as it was close to the New Year’s Eve! Now Petra had not a single conversation with a tall handsome guy, he lived with her, he is with her for almost a month. They will celebrate the New Year together!!! But why does he tell nothing about him, he knows so many things about Petra! He refuses, “Sweetheart, if I tell everything about me, if you don’t discover me for yourself every day, you will lose your interest…”

Swen’s heart was on the right side, he has everything turned upside down, all organs that have to be to the left are to the right and vice versa. Have you ever met such a man? No? Swen is so unusual, not like the other people, at least for Petra Swen is an angel flown into her monotonous and uninteresting life. If she could meet Emma.., when Petra visited her mother she told her Emma had divorced with Frank long ago, he was extremely unfaithful, and left her at last. And this could be Petra’s fate, it is so good Petra was able to wait for her Swen… The New Year is coming soon, Petra already knows what the will cook, what desserts she treat her sweet Swen with, she has already bought a new dress, arranged a visit to the hairdresser. That will be the happiest birthday party, maybe all her life, every day, every night will be a holiday. Dad was right then, in the dream, the prince came to Petra, her Swen.

In the morning when Swen was leaving for work he kissed Petra and said looking into her eyes:
- Honey, make everything prepared for the New Year Party, I come late, but will be here by ten p.m. I have to say this night something important for us both. Ok? I love you, kitty.
He smiled and closed the door. Petra came up to the window, Swen was going towards his car, before opening its door he looked at the window and smiling threw Petra a kiss. Reading by his lips she understood what he said: “I love you”.

Swen has not come yet, everyting is ready on the holiday table, there are candles only to light. Petra has put on this new very beautiful dress, has put make-up, did hair into a luxurious coiffure, but Swen is not here… She keeps standing by the window and is staring at the road, goes to the balcony, maybe there’s something wrong with the car, but why he hasn’t called her, she’s waiting for him!

What so important has Swen to say? Words of love he has already said.., perhaps he wants to ask her to marry him? Where can he be? Where are you Swen? I don’t know what to think!
The clock hands seemed not to move, there was a concert on the TV, but Petra didn’t switch it off, she was afraid to stay on her own, for the first time she was frightened to stay alone and of that loneliness that could seize her forever. An ambulance car with alarm swept by the house, but Petra was so deep in her thoughts, she could only think, “Oh.., somebody is sick this night…” She went to the balcony, the ambulance car violet light was blinking in the distance, but Petra was peering into trucks passing-by and was trying to catch sight of Swen. Salutes sounded everywhere, thick fluffy snow had been falling for already an hour, and glowing skyrockets were hardly seen. Laughing people were walking along the street, cars were passing by rarely, but there wasn’t Swen’s car among them…

Honnicker congratulated all the country on the holiday in air, wished everything great, but all was for Petra like in a dream.., in a bad painful dream.., she was just betrayed again… She lied on the sofa, turned to the wall, she had no tears, light in the room was off, and violet gleam of the ambulance car flashed on the wall, now without alarm. When seeing this light Petra thought, “Without alarm, someone died.., I did as well.., it would better… How can I live in this world, if feelings are played so crudely with? What a fool I am, Swen must be over forty, he has had life before me, relations with women, he must have children. He dropped at home to congratulate everybody, kept there longer than had planned and they reconciled… And I.., I am a good-for-nothing daughter of a film director who doesn’t need her. Dad, you tricked me again, why did you come to me in the dream and tell about the prince?”
A month passed by.., Petra was in the library, she was grateful to Swen even for his being in her life.., well, he shouldn’t have gone in such a way… But there’s nothing to do, people are wicked, and Petra was right, they like betraying.., dad, for example, friend, first love, Swen now… She never believes anyone…
Everything in this world is lie… Everybody thinks only about himself, his own pleasures, and when one is satiated with something, he “gracefully” leaves…

A girl entered the library, Petra glanced at her and her heart sank, she had his face, one-to-one, that was Swen’s face.., she even moved and spoke like he did. The girl addressed Petra:
- I know you, you are Petra, my dad’s woman, I need to talk to you.., my name is Nicole.
- Nicole, I close the library now, and nobody disturbs us, you will say to me everything you have to say.
Petra locked the entrance door from inside and offered Nicole a cup of coffee. “Oh my god, such resemblance to him.., like he is here, not his daughter! – thought Petra, - if that were he, I would forgive a million of such “holidays”, if he were sometimes next to me, if I could look into his eyes from time to time”.

The girl and Petra were sitting at table opposite each other.
- Nicole, I am listening to you.
- Thanks.., Petra, please listen to me till I finish… When I was twelve, dad gave me a white horse for my birthday, his name is Oscar. The horse lives in the sport complex stable, I am going in for equestrianism, dad pays it. Mum had a loved, he’s her colleague.
Dad knew about it, I saw him suffering and realized their relationship would never become as before.
- Nicole… why do say about Swen in the past, what’s happened?
- Don’t interrupt me please, Petra, I have to tell it in its order. Dad had a hobby, did he tell you he liked working on crosswords and made them himself? Once he bought a paper, his crossword was published there, as well as your ad. I showed it to him and said, “What if this is she? Try it, dad, meet her!” And he made up his mind to do it. He wanted to move to Finland, he’s Finn, that was his parents’ dream, he had heard much about this country. Dad was dreaming to take me with him, but here is Oscar, friends, and I study at a gymnasium, have already found a university. That’s why dad wanted the Brandenburger Tor would ever open in Berlin to let to the West. I wanted it so much that dad found a woman here and stayed in the country, even if the Wall had fallen down and Germany become united.
- Nicole, why is all in the past: dreamed, wanted, wanted?
- He met you, Petra, he was taking me from school at noon and was telling about you all the time. He told you were a virgin at thirty-five, work in the library, daughter of Hollywood film director who once escaped from the GDR, pictures of princes are stuck next to your photos in which you are in princess’ costumes, and your dad called you princess. He also said you have birthday on the New Year Day, he wanted to ask you to marry him, he loved you so much, he bought a ring with a beautiful stone, wanted to present it. Petra, I wished you both unforgettable, amazing, romantic evening and night. If I knew that time…
Nicole cried…
- Nicole, what’s happened to your dad? Is he alive?! He’s dead.., you say about him in the past…
Nicole continued:
- Petra, I am so guilty towards you.., you both… I wanted it in the best way…
- Go on, Nicole, you are not guilty; often nothing depends on us…
- I suggested dad to come to you this evening riding Oscar to sit on it in front of your windows. You would come to the balcony and see him, on Oscar.., on the white horse… Dad rented a prince’s costume from the theatre, we went to take Oscar. Dad taught me to drive a car in my childhood, I was going behind him to bring Oscar later back to the stable and leave the car at the door when you get into the house. Dad in the prince’s costume was riding in front of me, I was driving behind. It was snowing hard, we were moving slowly, the main aim was to be just in time by twelve, by the New Year. A car passed us by, windows were open, loud music was playing and cries of drunken guys sounded and when they were passing by us they gave an intense continues signal. It frightened Oscar, he jerked aside, reared and dad fell down, he fell down on the stone side board supporting metal rods of the garden. An ambulance car came, they said to me dad had died at once, he didn’t feel any pain. They took him to the morgue… Police delivered Oscar to the stable, I was in a state of shock and was brought to the hospital and I stayed there till morning being injected with debilitants.

Petra and Nicole were crying, they cuddled up to each other and were crying…
- Nicole.., I don’t have children, and if we got married, you would be my daughter, let me treat you so?
Nicole took a velvet box out of her jacket’s pocket and put it into Petra’s hand.
- Petra, this brilliant ring dad was bringing you.., five hundred meters left to reach you… He wanted to marry you, you may treat me as your daughter. I know, you are so lonely, we will be friends, I will sometimes spend night in your home, and generally… Forgive me, Petra… For your dreams that didn’t come true.., forgive me…
- Nicole, will you show me Swen’s grave?
- Sure…

In two years the Berlin Wall fell down, Honnicker was overthrown, the Brandenburger Tor opened and Petra with Nicole walked through them to the West holding hands of each other as Swen had dreamt of… Before that she had sat in the caf;, drunk hot chocolate with ice-cream and next hot chocolate with ice-cream they had in another small caf; in the West, on the other side of this gates. They celebrated the New Year together, phone rang, Nicole answered and immediately called Petra:
- Hallo, daughter, my princess, that’s me, dad…
- How did you find me?
- Mum’s phone number is still the same, she gave me yours. Daughter, now you are free and we can meet. I want you to come and meet my wife Leona, she’s Italian and two your brothers. I’ll pay everything, can you have a vacation leave in summer?
- Yes.., dad, I come not alone, I have a daughter, Nicole.
- Your mum didn’t tell me that. She said you live alone. Take your husband with you.
- Dad, my husband Swen died, he was a prince as you foretold, prince on the white horse…
- Petra, I invite you and Nicole to our place in summer, we will be together forever. Petra, happy New Year to you both!
- Dad, today’s my birthday, you forgot that?
There was a pause.., dad forgot birthday of his the most beautiful, best and darling daughter…
- Forgive me, Petra…

****
2009