Scarecrow - english

ЗДЕСЬ РАБОТА НА РУССКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ: http://www.proza.ru/2009/07/31/876

Translated by Olga Redekop.      http://www.proza.ru/avtor/heile

This summer we made up our mind to have our holidays in the center of Germany, to say exactly in Hartz, Bad Saska. We, that means, I – dad of two preschool daughters, and husband of my wife, these two very daughters and my wife. At the travel agency all our requirements were met and we were advised to stay at a separate house for two families, with a big garden and children’s playground. How can one imagine holiday-time at nature, out of town, have a rest from noisy Hamburg, if not in this way? As it was decided, it was done. The house-owner introduced herself, her name was Tina, her seven-year-old daughter was called Kathryn. The house consisted of two parts. One was Tina’s, the other one was ours. While we were unpacking our staff and the house-owner was showing everything to us, our children were already playing with Kathryn. Cries and laughter were heard from the playground, they were learning to drive the seesaw and slide. Kathryn was so extremely beautiful that one could involuntarily think she was not the daughter of the mother. Tina was tall and skinny, so skinny that her dress was hanging on her like on the hanger. My wife noticed unconsciously:
- Your daughter is so beautiful, you’d better send her photo to a film studio, or ad agencies, she must have great future.
Tina just smiled at it and wished us a good evening. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were included into the price of the trip, and we were very thankful to the agency for it, we took our meals in Tina’s half. She cooked well, decorated food with love, it was always cosy and pleasant at her place, all the time she had good mood.
Tina had a thin face, grey eyes, one was squint, and her teeth were uneven, the big ones stuck out making her face uglier when she was smiling. Once, when the children went asleep, we invited Tina to have a chat with us in order that she didn’t sit alone. Word by word we told her about us and our life in Hamburg, Tina didn’t have a great wish to make it in her turn, but nevertheless she started to tell her story:

- The Haag family was living in this house. Ingrid, her husband and seven-year-old son, and Ingrid’s mother was occupying my half. Thirty years ago I, with umbilical cord cut-off and wrapped up into a blanket, was put between two thresholds of this house, a new-born baby who had come to this world when her mum was evidently somewhere on the road. Now there’s a big stone vase in that place, I grow flowers in it. Ingrid’s mother found me and immediately rang his son’s door. She thought that if they were those who had found the girl at the doors, they had to take the baby into their family and bring her up as their own. Everybody except Ingrid had nothing against doing it, and Ingrid might also take me if she hadn’t unliked me so much:
- She’s the baby of drug addicts, that’s for sure! Can normal parents throw a baby away as rubbish at the doors of unknown people?! She’s an ugly baby now, squint-eyed, and she’s a girl! Later she has troubles with her appearance, she won’t find anyone to marry, and we will be guilty in it! She might have problems with head, what if she has bad heredity, sick genes? And.., and.., and so much more!
When police officers arrived, it was as clear as day I wouldn’t live with this family.

I was brought to Hannover, to take a medical investigation at children’s hospital, that’s the procedure, the foundlings must be at first examined, only then they are sent to an orphanage. Doctor on-duty who examined me quickly, wrote not thinking for a second in my medical records card her own name – Tina Mueller. I don’t remember my life in the babies’ orphanage at all, but see sometimes in dreams me sitting in front of a wooden trellis and watching similar trellis, they had to be basinets. But children’s orphanage keeps staying in my memory and mind. Nobody liked me there, no children, neither teachers and educators. That’s why I tried to be as quiet as a lamb. But I was always a laughingstock, everybody teased me with just invented nicknames, like scarecrow, old hag, fright. I used to respond to them, man gets used to everything. I wished they “played” with me, it was funny for me, meanwhile it hurt my soul…

It was particularly difficult on days-off and holidays, relatives took some children to stay be them, but nobody did ever take me to spend some time out of the orphanage. Small children were adopted often, but the older the kid was, the less hopes were left to find a family. At that age I already knew nobody would lay eyes on me when people came to our group to find a child for adoption.., I was ugly. There was boy in our class, Peter by name, all the girls were in love with him, teachers were looking at him with tender emotions and forgave all his pranks, if not all the pranks, but almost every… He knew and now I am sure he saw how much I loved him. He was mocking at me, and I was glad – I did exist for him! Peter himself adored being the center of everybody’s attention, and never gave his attempts to find out what cost for other people his wish of popularity was. Peter invented humiliations more and more cruel and sophisticated, not having thought I could die and make a suicide from despair.

When I came up to children, they stopped playing, even when they were playing football and I came to watch the game they asked me to go away, “Hey, piece of timber, you stand in the light, we don’t see anything, don’t stand up at night to go to the restroom, you resemble a ghost, we are afraid of you, you Tina have eaten a toadstool and become cross-eyed”. I can tell you what happened once, but it was what occurred every day. There was a big field in the orphanage’s area, and every child had a separated section of 4-5 square meters. Child was allowed to plant and grow whatever he or she liked. Once Peter asked me to walk along the road:
- Cobra, a bit further, move, yep.., now you stop and stretch your hands out…
Oh my God, Peter himself asks me, asks to make him a favor, to stand in the center of this field and stretch my hands out, and what? He wants it!
Laugh burst out at once, and Peter was laughing the loudest, pointed his finger at my side and cried, “Scarecrow!” I was standing like that, with hands stretched out, because HE asked me to do it.., it’s funny for him.., how can I refuse? Tears ran down my cheeks, children were running around and everybody was crying, “Scarecrow!” Peter came close to me, looked into my eyes and asked, “For my sake, stay here till evening, I’ve been dreaming about it since long ago.., it’s your place here – to scare crows!” Fool.., what a fool I was.., I was in flood of tears standing in that place till it got dark, didn’t go to have dinner – Peter himself asked me! This nickname “Scarecrow” stuck to me till I left the orphanage.

After the orphanage I received a one-room apartment from city administration, it was already furnished and equipped with all necessary staff, the owner was an old lady who had no heirs, that’s why after her death the apartment became city administration’s property. I found tea brew and put a packet into the cup, boiled some water and poured it into the cup. Tea got cold, but it didn’t turn sweet, I lost my patience and I rang neighbor’s door, a young girl with a baby opened the door:
- Excuse me, my tea got cold, but isn’t it sweet? At our orphanage tea was always sweet.
- Lady, did you put any sweet into it?
- No.., why sugar?
- To make tea sweet.
Oh, it has to be so.., and one has to wash clothes, not put it into a pile and wait till it clean lays there. But little by little I learned everything. I had to spare money, study to count, deal with documentation, respond to business letters, i.e. welcome to life outside orphanage fence.
I had a document, letter of referral from the orphanage stating I could take a place at an institution according to my specialty choice. I was refused everywhere, they explained there were no free places, “come please next year”. Husband of that my young neighbor-girl who worked as a P.E. teacher at a gymnasium arranged that I got a job to wash floors in classrooms and corridors after all classes were finished, and I was happy with it, it was better than nothing. Well, I certainly had a dream, I had been dreaming to wake up one morning without squint, with beautiful teeth and fat enough to look pretty. But.., those were dreams only… That very time, when my life seemed to get better outside orphanage fence, and there appeared the same woman who denied taking me new-born to her family.
- Tina.., I don’t know if I have guilt in front of you, in front of my family, for not taking you that time, you were put at out threshold, not a house nearer, not a house farther?
That was probably a divine sign, check of us all, but I’ve lost my family… I feel this is connected with you.., I am guilty in front of you, and my nearest and dearest paid for it. I am all lone in a big house, when I die, you get it, let’s go with me to live in Bad Saska?

And thus I started to share Ingrid her half with, nobody lived in that one of her mother-in-law. She died two years after I had been found, she had a heart attack as it was determined in hospital, doctors cured her and she was to go home next day, but died in the night from the second heart attack. Ingrid’s husband suffered from diabetis, then insulin problems, lost his leg, then the second one, after that he took a lot of sleeping pills and never woke up. Son became adult, got a specialty, married to his classmate, and when she was pregnant, they went to Austria for holidays to spend their time in the mountains. Snow-slip came down, it destroyed half of the village, and son with daughter-in-law and their unborn baby were buried in snow. And Ingrid stayed all alone. Jehovah's Witnesses built their Kingdom Hall next to her house, they were strongly trying to make her accept their religion, studied the Bible with her, invited to their place and she visited meetings as an interested person, but didn’t join them. These Jehovah's Witnesses gave her a hint it was God’s will that the girl was left at their threshold, they refused to take her and that was the reason why all this had happened. Might this girl’s presence have changed everybody’s future in this family, save everybody?

It was I who sounded the idea to lend the second empty half of the house as luxury suites.
- It will be merrier for us, we will be busy, have communication with people, not just painful memories, short shopping, visits to the drug-store and cemetery…
It was decided, it was done. Ingrid taught me to cook tasty, keep the house clean, manage house economy, deal with documents, estimations. We posted information within travel agencies, and holiday-makers started coming to us. Mainly we had families, I admired their relations, children and secretly dreamt once I would have a baby, if I don’t give it birth myself, maybe I find a new-born kid in this very place? I set a stone vase here, put some soil in it and planted flowers in order to find a baby in them, in winter time I leave Xmas tree branches there. Specially difficult it became to me without Ingrid, she passed away once.., her nose ran with blood, she could come to the ambulance car herself, without any help, even joked, “Don’t go dancing without me, we’ll go together”, she was brought to hospital, got worse there, she was taken to intensive care unit, had a coma, her brains died, medical devices were disconnected.

And here I howled.., alone… So difficult in winter, when there are no holiday-makers, and I am the only person in this huge house, now even that tease in the orphanage seemed to me an innocent folic and I recollected them with tender emotions. Once a man came here to stay for a night, he was tall, indescribably handsome, with brilliant figure. He brought his wife to one of city rest houses and they intended to spend the next day together, have a walk around the city and in the nearest forest. No.., Volker was a head taller than me, and Peter was in the orphanage the same height as I was, but this one was much more handsome than my first love, and a thought crossed my mind, “How could I let humiliate me so much? Every handsome guy has someone who is more handsome”. Grief and love for that one, when I met this man, flew somewhere away as if it had never existed before.

Volker appeared at eight in the evening, I showed him his place of staying and asked to have dinner, but he refused explaining he had just dined with his wife at a small cosy restaurant. I went to my half, and a thought was pulsing in my temples, “If I could have a baby from him! He’s staying for a night only, then he leaves, leaves maybe forever… He disappears from my life and I lose a chance to have a baby. Nobody has ever chased me, made no attempts to get acquainted with me, had never flirted, never wanted me for just a minute, nobody… If I could have his baby! Oh my God, she will be a Goddess, when a girl, or an Angel, if a boy!” I put on favorite dress, used my lipstick and called Volker’s door. He was already in sports clothes. He opened the door and I could read a question in his eyes, I simply looked into his eyes and cried. I was standing in front of him and wailing like when I was playing a scarecrow, and now I am a woman who came to suggest herself to a man.., what a shame!!!

- Tina.., what’s going on with you, what has happened? Come in please or let’s go to your place, you will tell me everything. I hope I can help you. Please calm down…
He took me under my elbows and tried to soothe me, stroked my hand, who had ever touched me? Oh.., nobody had loved me then and now, Ingrid adopted me because of fear I was her fate… I was immediately thrown away after my birth as rubbish, with my umbilical cord disconnected from mother.., and now.., he is stroking my hand, he is embracing me slightly and taking me home supporting me… He made me sit on the chair in the kitchen, gave some water to drink, bustled around making coffee, and I was sitting silently and thinking, “How can I say THIS to him, what will he think, how will he react?!” He put a cup of coffee in front of me, sat opposite, moved a cakes bowl closer to me, started conversation himself:
- Tina, I got it.., you are very lonely, you want a baby from me?
I looked into his eyes and whispered:
- Yes…
- I have two sons.., they are smart guys, six and nine years old, where there are two, there can be three. Can you promise my wife will never find anything out?
- She will never find anything out, I just need a baby, I am very lonely… Very lonely…

When Volker was undressing me, he did it very slowly and carefully, I had the only wish to turn the light off in order not to frighten him with my leanness, my bones were sticking out, I hadn’t any breasts as normal women. He said suddenly:
- What skin you’ve got, Tina, so thin.., baby’s skin…
- I didn’t notice that…
- What hair you’ve got, Tina, silky hair, so soft, didn’t women envy you looking at your haircut?
- No, nobody has never told me that…
- Your soul.., Tina, your soul is so innocent, as you have never offended in life, you are so ingenuous…
- I was thrown away between two thresholds of this house, I was brought-up in an orphanage, where everybody hated me…
Later, when we were lying in bed, Volker kissed my lips stroking my belly and that place where my breast was supposed to be and said:
- Forget it all, Tina, forgive them all, now you have a daughter, she will love you, and you will love her either…

In the morning Volker went out, saw Tina standing in the center of the garden with hands stretched out and asked smiling:
- Are you going in for yoga?
- No, I am a scarecrow, and wanted to make you laughing, it was funny that time in my orphanage…
- Tina.., fortunately I have never lived at an orphanage, and cannot understand orphans’ humor.
Tina found also out that Volker was a veterinarian and Hannover Zoo director for already five years. He lived at the area of his workplace, his wife was called Ilsa, he met her at the Zoo, that time she was working as a cashier at the Zoo entrance. Now Ilsa was very ill, struggling against pancreatic gland cancer, het decided to organize her a rest after chemotherapy, at the second health resort. After lunch they came for a cup of coffee, they both, Ilsa was extremely thin, refused from coffee – she was not allowed, she drank weak tea.

Volker came to me not often, once a month, but he expressed so much happiness, not less than I did, when my belly was becoming bigger and round, I freshened up, put on some weight, and he was admiring my happiness. Ilsa recovered, cancer cells didn’t disappear, but malignant tumor growth was stopped. She had to take medical examinations once half a year, but Ilsa didn’t come back to work; she liked to be a housewife. I gave birth to Kathryn, I didn’t tell Volker about that, when he came to me next time, there were two of us waiting for him. My new-born girl was so beautiful that a nurse at maternity hospital said to me, “For fifteen years have I been assisting during deliveries, but have never seen such a beautiful baby”!

After Kathryn’s birth Volker appeared at our place more frequently and lived by us a couple days under the pretext that he had a business trip. Kathryn considered Volker to be mum’s friend and had not the slightest notion he was her dad, though they looked as like as two peas. Volker gave me a call, said his wife had just had another chemotherapy and was about to spend some time at a health-resort. He decided to stay over at my house, and go for a walk round the town and the nearest forest as they did before. Kathryn was five already. Volker worried his wife could have a wish to visit me, that’s why he asked to arrange that she wouldn’t see my daughter as she was she exact copy of her father. I immediately contacted Ingrid’s sister who lived not far away:
- Let Kathryn spend a day by yourself and don’t please allow her to go home, say her mum has left for Hannover to do her business, okay?
- Yeah, send her to me…

Ilsa and Volker came by 4 p.m., drank some coffee, chatted a little and they were going to the door, when saw Kathryn standing in front of us… There was silence..., everybody was thinking about his and her own staff:
Volker – oh my God, it happened…
Me – what reproaches will I have to listen to and swallow, how much will Ilsa curse me, and pain in her soul was added to pain in her body… How can I beg her to forgive me? And could this be forgiven?
Ilsa – Let’s get in, we have something to talk about.
We came in, occupied the same places we have just abandoned, and Ilsa started speaking herself:
- Volker, I know you.., you couldn’t reject Tina in her wish not to be alone. Tina, I can perfectly understand you… You both… Since long ago I have been guessing those business trips were called “another woman”. You have a daughter.., what’s her name?
I replied:
- Kathryn, she’s five.
- Tina, I don’t have much time to live, I know it, my disease doesn’t give me a second or a third chance. We have two sons, Oscar is fourteen, Heinrich is eleven. We have smart sons, and now they have their beautiful sister Kathryn. That’s my will and I want you to fulfill it – to live together after my death.

I was at Ilsa’s funeral ceremony, but without Kathryn, otherwise everybody would understand everything when they saw her. After the funerals, about half a year later Volker came with his two sons to spend his holidays at the place where their mum did. When sons saw Kathryn, there came silence, and then Oscar, who had turned fifteen, gave his father a look and said:
- Dad, did I happen to fall in love at first sight with my sister?
- You may love her.., but with brother’s love only…
Everybody laughed, and Kathryn ran to the center of the garden, stretched hands out and cried, “I am a scarecrow, you are cravens, run from me, who I touch, that turns stone, and the last one becomes a scarecrow, ok?” Boys sprang to play scarecrow with Kathryn, and we with Volker got into the house.
- Uhhh.., - he gave a sigh of relief, - I could expect any reaction from my sons, but not such one!!!

- My dear guests.., you are the last guests in this house… We with Kathryn are literally sitting on suitcases, Volker wanted to take us to live in his home, and you called that you would be here any moment exactly after he said that. It happened so one of travel agencies in Hamburg didn’t take our ad down and you bought a tour to a non-existing hotel. We with Kathryn put everyting in their places, and Volker and sons – our sons now – agreed to wait for us.

Volker didn’t waste his time.., he paid all Tina’s operations, at an ophthalmological clinic her strabismus was corrected, dentist pulled out her ugly sticking-out teeth which spoiled Tina’s appearance so much. She got even white teeth, and her smile became charming, and her face changed to great extent, Tina now was a pretty woman, well-groomed, self-confident, necessary to her husband and sons, beloved. Once she called us having remembered I was a journalist, asked to make a report of orphanage graduates’ meeting that was taking place in one of Hannover’s restaurants. Of course, I went there with my TV and still camera. I stayed by Volker and Tina. Kathryn, as my wife foresaw it, became such a beautiful teen girl that had a role in a couple ads and had offers to work as a model when she graduated school. Both sons entered universities. And one of them found an Internet announcement about this meeting, all graduates of this orphanage had been looking for and invited to this event.

Tina order a table for six persons in the restaurant, they decided to come the whole family. Volker knew how many cruel jokes from children who grew up with Tina she had she to survive over, he did all his best. Her hair, manicure, pedicure she had in a beauty studio which was for rich people and celebrities only. Her dress was sewn by the best clothes designer of Germany, he made such a style of her dress that Tina’s thinness was completely concealed. People were filling the hall, came up, ran to each other, hugged, joked, laughed, remembered something. A lot of people were standing at the entrance to meet their old friends there. I came to the restaurant a bit earlier and was standing with a camera at the door, a white limousine drove there, everybody got astonished waiting who could get our of this luxurious car? Handsome Volker in a chic black suit went out, he offered his hand to a lady inside and Tina appeared to everybody’s view, but nobody did recognize her, someone said silently, “Sarah Connor!” Kathryn, Oscar, Heinrich went after her. I started filming, cameras began to clicking, someone made pictures with mobile phone in order to boast later – I saw her HERSELF…!!!

We moved to the hall, and there was such stir there, everybody at Tina’s background looked so dull, so uninteresting, and fat and flabby women lose in comparison with Tina, lads seemed so sloppy and were easily to read – loser, wanted much, got little. All the looks were turned to Tina and her family and when Tina stood up and headed towards the tables of her former orphanage friends, they didn’t recognize her. She had to represent herself like “I am your Tina”… And.., there stood up now former “handsome” Peter, started to flirt with her unsuccessfully and make her compliments, but he, a taxi driver, did it so plainly, ungreacefully, not as when it was during their staying at the orphanage. All his efforts seemed so stupid… Music played, and Peter asked Tina for a dance, and now he, with his beer belly and flaccid face looked not handsome.., very small, as they both were of the same height and Tina had high-heeled shoes on. All the hall was charmed with moves of this pretty woman, how she was dancing, smiling, and I heard two men from Tina’s group speaking:
- This Peter in comparison to HER is a scarecrow…

2009