In the Restaurant

In the Restaurant

(a one-act play)
In an expensive restaurant, a 93-year old woman is sitting looking at the menu over a bunch of papers. Waiter1 enters.

Waiter1
Good evening, madam! How can I help you?
Lady
Have a sit, young man.

Waiter1
I beg your pardon?
Lady
Sit down!
Waiter1
But...
Lady
Young man, isnЎ¦t it written here: Ў§We wish you a pleasant knightЎЁ? So make my night pleasant. But donЎ¦t ya give me that look as if you need new pants!
Now... How old are you? Yeah, here, first have a drink. Twenty-three you say? Alright
J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N. Tell your manager to write bigger letters on the nametags! But dontcha jump right now!
So, tell me, John, youЎ¦ve been to high school?
Waiter1
Yes, madam. I graduated from Pennsylvania State High School.
Lady
Then tell me, Johnny, what is an integral?
Waiter1
(to himself) This is my worst nightmare. Could this be my math teacher coming from the hell to torture me now for that stupid test I failed?
I beg your pardon?
Lady
You heard me, dude, or whatever they call you nowadays.
Waiter1
Well, huh... (falters)
Lady
WhatЎ¦s the problem? Dontcha remember what a limit of a function is? You know, as X approaches infinity... Remember those ... huh... antiderivatives? Well, that Trapezoidal rule? SimpsonЎ¦s rule?
By the way, this is when it all started. My grandson knows only the Simpsons, leaving his homework for me. I would not do it if only I did not lose our bet! What the devil made me insist that the name of a barman was Mr. Burns! And now I am stuck with this homework!
So, anything coming up to your mind?

Waiter1
Not really, but I know who might help you!(calling to Waiter2) Hey, Max! Come here!
(Waiter 2enters)Yeah-yeah, right now! WerenЎ¦t you a math major? ThatЎ¦s what I thought. Well, we are supposed to do our best to make the nights of our clients pleasant?
Waiter2 (not seeing Lady)
You know, you are not allowed to leave with the visitors. They will fire you finally if you try to hook up again with ... (sees Lady) God! (to himself) This is worse than I thought!
Good evening, madam. Is there a problem here?
Lady
Number 47. Find an integral of the function f of x equals to natural logarithm of x to the 3x power. Are you alright? You look pale. Here, have some whisky. Hey, you are supposed to sip it! Feeling better? So, what goes first?
Waiter2 (starts in a formal voice)
Well, I am terribly sorry to inform you, mam, but ... I skipped that whole unit on integrals and got away with it in the university. But I think... Rosy! I need you here.
(Waitress enters, unbuttoning her blouse)
Oh, my God! No! You didnЎ¦t understand!
Waitress
Alright (clasping the buttons back) Wass up?
Waiter2
Remember, you were once in Calculus?
Waitress
Yeah... Mr. Thompson was a good teacher but he would never look at me and I got a D that year. I tried so hard to...
Waiter2
Stop right there. You remember anything from it?
Waitress
Hmm... Yeah! Actually, the only thing I remember were the pants he wore but...
Waiter2
Think Math
Waitress
Oh! Yeah! Integrals! Well, this is the only thing, because we had to find the area under the graph and I thought if I could find it I would be able to calculate how much space I need...
Waiter2
Quit it!
Waiter1
Wow! You, guys, complete each other!
Waitress
Yeah, I also thought that, but when it comes to...
Waiter2 (irritated)
Enough. Just tell: what is „Е28lnx3x ?
Waitress
Oh, thatЎ¦s simple! Hey, granny, can I have some of that? (takes the rest of the drink) So, you first put x3 before lnx and then just...