Not like the other girls. - english version

One And Lonely.
I feel the pain. Sharp pain in my soul. Wounds on my heart. Bell in my ears. Im walking down the beautiful snow-covered street all alone. Its the afternoon and the sun is shining brightly and it makes me blind, being reflected from the snow. I feel nothing, simply gazing at my feet. Cant figure out the road. Just keep walking and thats it. I know I have to go. I know I mustnt stop. I just know that. No thoughts in my head. Only pain. Pain and awareness of my loneliness. Alone. Alone in the street, in this country, in this world. Alone, C whisper I silently this terrifying word. Chill runs down my spine. I stop all of a sudden and take a look around: an unknown street, a crowd of people, many of them are with happy faces; bright sun in the sky. I take out a cigarette, light it up and walk further. I try to figure out the events of this day. It doesnt work.
Alone. All alone, C whispers to me my inner voice. Its the only thing my mind is ready to accept now. To accept but not to understand.
Yes, at the moment Im actually alone. I moved here, to the place with no friends, no relatives, no yep, now there is no even my love. In fact, hes here, well, he was but I dont know. Sometimes our destiny plays jokes over us, cruel jokes. A new cigarette in the hand. This one seems to be the tenth one already during this day.
Thoughts are springing in the head in somewhat familiar only to them direction. I try to catch just one of them but get nothing. Throw away the last finished cigarette and walk again stupidly.
Alone. Lonely, C goes on the stubborn inner voice. C In a strange country. In a strange town. Youre surrounded by completely strange people.
Oh, C at that very moment with the thought of the strange people I collide with someone and simultaneously find myself lying on the ground I mean on the asphalt, frankly speaking. Im actually almost in the snow-drift. I open my eyes with anger. A young man with whom Id obviously just collided stands close to me, looks at me with guilty eyes, says something and gives me his hand to help me get up. I grab his hand and stand up. The man looks into my eyes and continues telling something in his language. I look him through: all in black, a little bit taller than me. Beautiful eyes of a sophisticated color. But what difference does it make to me now how he looks like? If it were even THE Tom Cruise, I wouldnt notice him and would easily pass by.
- I dont speak Finnish, - I say to him in English.
- Oh! Youre not from this neck of the woods! C he says in English, good enough. C I said Im sorry for pushing you. I was talking on the phone and didnt notice you. Sorry once again.
- Theres nothing to worry about, - I say and look at him with absolutely empty view, no, right through him, I do not see anything in front of me at the moment.
- Are you alright? Didnt you hurt yourself? Sorry one more time, - looks anxious. I examine my face briefly: normal, definitely normal, only a little bit wet jeans but it doesnt matter anyway.
- Nothing bad has happened to me. Its OK, Im OK, - I feel tears rising up to my throat, - Its OK.
Having uttered this, I turn around fast and step away at great speed.
Straight. Just go straight ahead. Dont cry. Dont cry! C says my inner voice. Can feel the treacherous tears on my cheeks. Go again, choosing no road.
The street darkens. Shit, - I think, - And why does it become so early dark in winter in this damn Finland? In twenty minutes its already totally dark and lanterns are on. Go further as before straight and cry silently to myself. Cry cause of pain, cause of loneliness, having nothing to do with myself.
Smoke, C runs a thought in my mind. I stop and search my bag through in vain, hoping to find a cigarette. While doing it, a new thought dawns on me: Im frozen. Very bad frozen. Feel like I begin to shiver of cold. Of course, it turns out that there are no more cigarettes in my bag. Look about: I see a small restaurant not far from me. I pick out a napkin from the bag, wipe away the last tears and the tracks of the pencil for eyelashes and walk quickly towards the restaurant. Get inside, look around: a cozy small restaurant, smooth light, a bunch of several people, comfortable setting. I see an isolated table in the corner. Walk there fast. Dont want anyone else to be next to me now. Sit down, put the coat and the bag on the nearest chair. A waitress comes to me almost at that very minute (such speed is kind of surprising for this country). Order hot chocolate and cigarettes. When she leaves, I change my view for a table. Sit and calmly try to think. Again I fail to do it.
The waitress prevents me from thinking. I almost spring because of unexpected thing happening, when she reaches me. She puts a wonderful smelling hot chocolate, an ashtray and cigarettes on the table. I give a refund quickly and she goes away. I light up a cigarette. Try to think one more time. And one more time I fail.
Well! Then Ill hopefully get warm, C I think. Inhale the smoke and observe the restaurant with the absent sight. Nothing interesting. Lay my eyes onto the cup. Head is empty, no thoughts. Look at the burning cigarette thoughtlessly and at the way hot deluge of air raises from the surface of chocolate. Make a swallow. A pleasant feeling of warmth gradually contains my body. Burn down the cigarette and lean back onto the chair. I can feel someones unstopping staring at me but do not turn around no matter what.
No wish to live, C says my inner voice to me. Awareness of it strikes my mind like a lightning. And its true that I do not wish to. Theres just no point in living I could see. The present terrifies, the past its impossible to live by memories only.
Shit! Well, now whos looking at me like that? C I think, becoming irritated, then quickly turn around. My sight runs through the hall. Two tables away from mine there sits a man who observes me with attention. Hmmm a knitted chain, unshaven, all in black. A weird type.
My eyes meet his eyes. Weird. It seems to me that Id seen him somewhere. Or not? Uh, does it really matter? Im still sitting, looking at him with a spiteful sight. Hes looking at me. We seem to keep doing so for ages. But in fact no more than a couple of minutes. In the end he smiles at me, stands up off his table, takes his cup of coffee in his hands and apparently starts moving in my direction. I watch these actions of his with indifference. Yes, hes actually coming towards me.
- Sorry, is it vacant here? C says he with a wide smile, pointing at the empty chair.
- Yes, naturally, - answer I absolutely quietly.
- Thanks, - says he, sitting down. C Maybe we should get acquainted? My name is Lauri, - he offers me his hand smiling even wider.
- Linda, - shake his hand. C Hmmm Lauri, a nice name, typically Finnish. Are you a Finn?
- Thank you. Yes, Im a Finn. Linda an interesting name. Well, youre then exactly not from Finland? C smiles he, looking straight into my eyes. Im a bit uncomfy under his sight but I keep my eyes on him.
- And is that so visible? C I try to smile, - yes, Im not a Finn, Im a Russian.
I look into his eyes C a curious color. Green. Clean green. Wow, for the first time I see such color of eyes. Or not for the first time? Ive definitely already seen them before but where?
- Hey! Stop! Was it you whom I crushed with in the street? Right? Exactly so! I remember your eyes! It was you! C simultaneously I recall the day, the snow-covered street and my falling into the snow and it suddenly dawns on me. C Did you follow me?
- I? Well, in fact yes. I followed. Almost followed, - it seems he notices horror in my eyes, - sorry, I didnt mean to scare you!
- Then why have you followed me?
- Simply you see, its not that easy to explain
- You can try, - I feel anger in my own voice.
- Well, you know, your eyes very beautiful eyes but when you looked at me like that, I saw pain in them. Bad pain. And I heard your crying when you were going away, - he stops talking for a second and looks at me, feeling way confused.
Shit! Could it be that Id been crying that loud? C I think.
- So what?
- You see, I was just afraid of what such a pretty girl can do to herself. Interrupt me if Im wrong but I felt that you were ready to even commit suicide? C looks at me, waiting for something. What the hell?! Hes damn right! Is he like reading my thoughts? C fills my mind the unpleasant thought.
- Yes, youre right. I was ready to kill myself. Im ready to do it now as well, - the silent patient words of a mad person. MY words.
- Maybe, youll tell me what had happened? C looks patiently into my eyes. Im no more scared of this sight. Incomprehensively I begin to feel cozy in his society. I understand that I need to tell someone everything. Just someone. And I dont care if I never see him anymore, itd be even better.
- OK. Ill tell you, - smoke a cigarette and start my short story, - the matter is that today my boyfriend left me. Left me. Said that hed stopped loving me and that were completely different people, - inhale the smoke and make a tough sigh. C And hes absolutely indifferent that because of him Ive totally changed my life. You even cant imagine how great the changes Ive done for him were. In fact these werent simply changes, its just another life. Ive put a cross on my past myself, - burn down the cig, light up a new one and go on, - I loved him so much. I gave up everything: a very good job, all my friends, my relatives, my country. When he decided to move from Russia to Finland and called me with him, I flew after him with no doubt. Im here half a year already, but I still cant get used to the country, still try to study the language, still I fail in doing it, I still havent found friends here and a week ago I gave up my job and it means the last string which held me on is torn. He left me here, alone, without any job, without close people. The only thing I still possess here is the small one-roomed flat, the flat hes abandoned for me. Thats the whole story. Funny, isnt it? C dont know why but at that moment furious anger to my ex-love came over me.
- Yep, sad. And what are you gonna do now?
- I dunno
- Maybe you should return home? Back in Russia? To your parents?
- I cant do that. My parents let me go too easily that time. I forgive them their behavior. And as for my friends, none of them is left. The only person I could move to is my sister but Im ashamed to go to her shes the only person who prevented me from moving here and we quarreled very bad before my departure. So this way is cut off.
- I see. Well, may your love come back? Are you sure hes parted with you forever? Maybe hes simply checking you up? C tries to calm me sincerely hmmm its even pleasant.
- Dunno. Right now I know only that my feelings to that man had been dying somehow. And since that day theyve disappeared at all. Even if he comes back, I wont forgive him.
- OK. And as for the job? Maybe you should simply find another job? And why did you leave the previous one?
- I left it because Id been put in strict limitations there. Im a creative type of a person and cant stand limitations. And finding another job is quite difficult in here.
- And what is your specialization?
- My? Stylist better to say, a hairdresser and a cosmetician and a visage-maker.
- Wow! That must be an exciting profession!
- Yes, a little bit.
The silence becomes overwhelming. Lauri sits, thinking of something. And I I feel empty. Yes, it helped me when I had opened my inside: I put all of my emotions in the right order, left a part of feelings out. But now only two feelings are left inside of me: the feeling of no solution and of annoying emptiness. And the only wish C to relax to relax from life. Im so tired of living! Everything is that complicated in this life! And and and and I probably already know what Im going to do when Lauri goes away and I come home anyway nothing holds me on this earth any more.
- Shit! C suddenly says my companion, looking at the watches.
- What has happened? Are you late somewhere?
- What? Yes, obviously, - sits in doubt what to do, looks at me. I watch him patiently. Ive already decided what to do after his leaving and I actually dont care when he leaves.
- Mmmm dont you mind coming with me? C says he after the short pause.
- Where?
- To the rehearsal. Im a singer in one small band and weve got a rehearsal within half an hour, - says he, feeling embarrassed, - well? Will you come? I promise you wont be blue!
These eyes They have such an unusual fire inside, C notice I.
- Oh, well. Why not? C oops! Was it me who told this? However, let it be, its just a matter of time anyway
- Excellent!
We stand up. He helps me dress up and we go out in the street together. After the comfy small restaurant it seems even colder and nastier.
- Well go hiking, lets walk. In addition to this, its not far from here. Do you mind? C asks he.
- Of course, no. Thats OK, lead me.
Hes stepping confidently along the street and Im going next to him with slight hesitation. Within twenty minutes of wandering along the silent frosty streets we find ourselves in front of a small building.
- Our studio, - he explains and opens the door for me. Then he leads me through some halls and we get inside the small flat. Instruments, heaps of instruments, hundreds of wires, not a big sofa, a table and several arm-chairs near the wall. And nobody in there.
- Oh! We seem to be even earlier! C he smiles, - you may sit down where you wish. Want some beer?
- Certainly! C I say. He disappears in some direction. Im looking for a place with the best view of the scene where theyre going to play. I find such a place: a little arm-chair beside the table. I sit down. At the same time Lauri comes out with the couple of bottles of beer in his hands.
- Here it is! C gives me one bottle and sits down in the arm-chair nearby.
- Thanks. I love good beer, - I smile kindly.
- I do too, - smiles he, answering me, - guys must soon come, we have to wait for a while.
- Good. Maybe you could tell me something about your band? Have you already released any albums? I feel ashamed as Im far from Finnish music.
- Ohhh! The band exists for almost 9 years now. Were The Rasmus. Albums? Weve just released the 5th one.
- Wow! You must be very popular! C again I feel like Im in the wrong place.
- Well, Id say yes, - smiles modestly? Seems like that. Weird, theyre embarrassed of their glory?
- Sorry for asking but how old are you? If the band is already 9, then Im afraid even to think how old you can appear to be, - the beer has probably produced the weakening effect on me.
- Im 23. In April Ill be 24. The rest of the band are of the same age.
- Hmmm Im 21. In April Ill be 22.
- Were you also born in April?
- Yep, April, 23.
He choked with the beer and looked at me strangely theres a question in his sight, hes in doubt if Im kidding.
- What? Yes! Actually! I was born on the 23th of April. I can show you my passport! Whats wrong about it?
- Well, nothing, - finally answers he after the coughing. C You know, I was born on the 23th of April too. A curious coincidence.
- Yep, - I hear someones steps and laughter. Turn back to the door. In two seconds three blocks get in. I look at them with surprise.
- Guys! Here you are! And why are you late for the rehearsal? C Lauri springs to his feet and flies towards us. I sit and watch them quietly.
- Its because usually youre late for as minimum half an hour! We didnt expect such punctuality of yours! C smiling, said the hmmm plumpest of them. They speak English obviously wanting me to understand their conversation.
- Well, but today Im not late! C on this phrase he recalls about me, I guess. C Guys! Lets get acquainted with each other: this is an unusual girl, her name is Linda, shes from Russia, lives here, works as a stylist. She hasnt heard of us so youll have to introduce yourselves. Come on! C I notice some sweet childishness in him.
The whole company of four people moves towards me. I put the sweetest smile on my face, getting up from the arm-chair.
- Hello, Im Pauli, the guitar, - says the fat guy, - nice to meet you! C offers me his hand, I shake it. C And for me too!
The second one who comes to me is the tallest one, he also gives me his hand, - and Im Eero, the bass-guitar. Very glad.
I lift up my head so that I could see his eyes. C So am I.
Well, the last one is a funny thin man with the glasses. C And Im Aki. The drummer. And the soul of the whole band, - laughs, shaking my hand.
- Very pleasant, The Rasmus soul, - smile together with him. C Very glad to get to know all of you! You can call me simply Linn. Guys, wont I disturb you?
- Of course, no! C they say in chorus.
- Are you sure? C ask I with a doubt.
- Yes, we find it interesting to find out the opinion of a person who isnt familiar to our work. Thats it. Sit down and listen, - says Lauri.
I obey, sit down in the arm-chair and watch them. While the rest are occupied with their tools, smiling from time to time, Lauri sits down next to me and trains in singing. Hes got a beautiful voice, I must tell you. Finally they finish connecting all the wires and Lauri goes to the microphone obediently.
- So! Guys! Today we have a special guest! So lets try not to show ourselves from the worst side, - says he into the mic, smiling, then turns to the others, tells them what song theyre going to play. Turns back to me again, - Linn! This song is for you!
Sitting in the arm-chair, I watch them curiously. Then they begin playing some amazing tune: Lauri starts to sing. A very nice song. In English.
So thats why hes got such a good pronunciation. I sit and listen some unbelievable feeling overwhelms me. These words the song about the girl, some unusual girl very beautiful. When he stops singing, I start applauding.
- Cool! And how is this song called?
- Not Like The Other Girls, - answers Eero.
- Super, - I sit and observe them with the smile on my face. And extremely interesting band: its easy to define that theyre friends and know each other very well. They start playing again. I already keep silence, simply sitting and absorbing the music. Fantastic music. Nearly an hour and a half pass by. They managed to play 12 songs with short breaks. All this time Ive listened to them with interest and watched them. All in all, they finish.
- Well? What was it like? C Lauri comes to me, smiling wide.
- Guys! Im just speechless! Magnificent!
- Thank you, - answer they all together.
They pick their stuff, lay instruments back. Then begin dressing up. I do too. All of us get outside.
- Dont you mind if I see you off? Where do you live? C asks Lauri in the street. I name my street, - oh! Cool! Its not far away!
- Fine. Thank you.
We say goodbye to the rest and walk away. First pair of minutes we walk muting. Im still under the spell. Finally I do the first step and utter:
- Your music wonderful. Ive run out of words. Tomorrow Im gonna buy your album, - he smiles a little bit confused, but I see that it caresses his ears. C And whos writing all of this?
- We do it ourselves. Music is the guys job and Im responsible for the words.
- Wow! Sincerely?
- Yep, - again a confused smile. C By the way, today it was the main rehearsal. Tomorrow we give a concert in one of the night-clubs here. Hmmm Would you like to come and see it?
- What? Of course, Id like to!
- Excellent. Then lets exchange our phone numbers. Tomorrow well call each other and Ill tell you where to arrive at so that you got behind the scenes.
- Good. Write down my number.
- Come on, - he takes his mobile, I dictate my number, he fixes it. C And write down my number as well, whatever can happen.
- OK, - I also get his one in my phone quickly. C By the way, heres my house. Well then It was very pleasant to meet you! Thank you for everything, - we stop at my entrance and I smile as sweet as possible:
- And I got great pleasure. Hope very much to see you tomorrow, - he says it strangely, spearing me with his eyes.
- Youll see me, dont worry! C I smile once again. Cant get rid of the annoying feeling that he reads my mind. C Well, bye! And thank you one more time
- Bye! C I look into his eyes, turn around fast and go home.
The most horrible moment has come. This house. The house where he was in the morning. Where we were happy. Where I loved him before. I wander into the only room and look about: Theres no track of him left. Hes carried all his stuff with himself in the afternoon. I smell only the resemblance of his cologne. And one more sign: the documents for the flat on the table. This flat is mine now. Thats the rare good thing abandoned by him. I get through and fall onto the sofa, right in the clothes, feeling tired.
Oh! I cant bear it! This smell is unbearable! I go to the window and open it to the full. Dont care that its 15 degrees below zero. Go outside the house. Several minutes and therell be no air reminding of him any more. I go to the kitchen, take off my jacket on the way back and throw it in the hall. Sit down at the table and stare at one point with no aim. Thats it, no capacity to think at all. Dont wanna think of anything or anyone any more. Although theres a solution. I take a bottle of vodka and wander into the room. Pick up my mobile out of the bag at the same time.
I get in the room, shut the window, sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV. Pour a glass of vodka. Right now I just have to forget myself. If I dont die of quantity of drinks, Ill manage to get over the rest. I dry the glass almost in one swallow. Eat something to follow the drink. Lay back on the sofa and stare at the screen stupidly. Some musical channel. Oh! A familiar voice! C with interest I look at the picture. Indeed? Actually, its Lauri! What a curious video!
Pour the second glass. And so! To you, guys! Maybe its you wholl be alright, C make a gesture in the screens direction, dry the glass at once. Dont take anything to eat. Cant bear the foods look. Feel that Im getting drunk. Lay down and continue staring at the screen. Within about half an hour of watching some videos, I already sleep deeply, with my clothes on, on the sofa, with the TV on.

And you say: Do you believe in a Destiny?
What horrible sounds from the very morning? Hey? Ohhhh! Stop it! Dont! C incomprehensible bells tear my poor head into pieces. I try to open my eyes: heavy eyes are opening up with difficulty. Try to make my head up. The head turns to be heavier and doesnt leave the sofas pillow. I look into the ceiling in hope to figure out what those sounds are and where they come from. Shhhit! Phone! C this thought makes me spring to my feet. Oops! Everythings spinning around me, C I think just before falling back onto the sofa. Sit down. Try to feel the phone somewhere under my feet. Yes! I got it! Grab the mobile, lift it up to the ear.
- Haaaallo. Ouhhh
- Hallo! Linn? Is it you? C hear the voice so well-known to me.
- Yyes I guess, - in such a condition my English suffers a bit. C Yes, exactly! Linn is ME!
- Didnt you recognized me? Whats up with you? C a worried voice.
- Of course, I did, Lauri! Whats up with me? Im still sleeping. In fact Id been sleeping before. Right now it seems to me Im no more dreaming, - cover my head with my palms, awful pain.
- Hmmm sleep? And do you have a clue what time it is now?
- Nnnno, dunno, - look around: the lights are on inside and its dark outside, try to get to the watches. C Wouldnt you tell me what time it is now? C try to laugh.
- Ha! There you go. Five in the evening let me guess, have you drink something yesterday evening?
- Me? Yes. Vodka, I guess. Right, vodka.
- Ouh! Tough! And how much?
- Lets see, - reach the bottle and take a look at it. C Almost half a liter.
- Have you decided to kill yourself?
- No, just tried to fall asleep.
- So OK. Well, are you gonna be at our show tonight? Should I wait for you?
- I go! Tell me, where, how and when!
- In an hour and a half, at the Tavastia club. Know such?
- I do
- Will you be in time? Ill tell the guards to let you in and to lead you behind the scenes.
- Naturally, Ill be in time!
- Good! Then Ill be waiting for you!
- Well! I wont be late! I promise! Well, bye, see ya!
- See ya!
Put the phone down. Ohhhh it means Ill be getting to the club for half an hour, so I must be ready in an hour. Nightmare. Go to the mirror to examine the quality of the work need to be done. Unsatisfying results. Well! Calm! Youre a professional. Now the most important thing is to get rid of the hangover, and the rest wont take me much time, C I say to myself and creep towards the kitchen. In half an hour I feel refreshed and relaxed due to the special non-hangover cocktail which helped me a lot. Theres still half an hour to put myself in the order. And I leave the house with the feeling Im ready for everything. Right after half an hour I enter the club. They lead me to the place behind the scenes. To the make-up room. I knock at the door. Lauri opens it.
- Oh! Hi! And youre punctual!
- Yep, Ive got such a drawback, - laugh.
- Get inside, - laughs he together with me, letting me enter the room.
- Hi Linn! How are you? C almost in chorus greet me other band members. All of them sit and prepare for the performance. Eero and Pauli check their guitars, Aki puts the plaster on his fingers, Lauri sings and starts making himself handsome against the morrow.
- Hi! Im alright, thanks. And you, guys?
- Excellent as usual, - says Eero. C Come here, sit down. Dont be shy. You can throw your coat on the sofa.
- Thank you, - I sit down on the sofa and watch them with curiosity. Lauri takes a black pencil for eyes. I stand up in a second and come to him, - Lauri! What are you doing?
The others give up their occupations and turn to us with interest.
- What do you mean saying what? Im gonna draw my eyes a little bit.
- Hmmm sorry for being impudent but may I draw you? At least thats my profession favorite profession, I must admit Im just keen on drawing somebody! C I feel my eyes are fulfilled with light. Apparently, it is not only me who felt it.
- Oh! Come on! C Lauri smiles and gives me his pencil. I stand, bending over his eyes. The rest observe us as if theyve been charmed. I finish. He looks in the mirror.
- Oh! Super! Thanks! C shakes my hand. C Well, now I come to the hair, - smiles and takes off his cap. The cap turned out to be hiding long enough hair of black color. Almost till the shoulders. Its time to grow up my hair, C I think, making a glance in the mirror at my hair-dress, which is only a little longer than his one.
- Hmmm - stand muting, looking at him.
- What? You also want to make my hair-dress? C laughs.
- Yes. Dont you mind? C the guys, whod just continued doing their stuff, drop everything again and watch us.
- Well! You can try! A Hair-drier, hair-brushes, muss: here you can see everything. Make my hair stick out with thorns, - I hear something falling behind me. I turn back: Aki dropped his sticks, Pauli C his wire and Eero C his towel.
- Guys! Whats wrong with you? C I look at them wondering.
- Nothing, its OK, - Eero throws a word. So. I start creating his hair-style. It takes me 15 minutes. All these minutes I feel four pairs of eyes on me. They watch us, not even hiding their curiosity. I finished.
- Super! C Lauris truly glad. C Thank you.
- Not at all! C smiling, I go back to the sofa. C And when is the beginning of the concert?
- In half an hour, - Utters Aki this time. C Linn? Could you also put me in the right condition? I mean only a hair-dress as I do not wear make-up, - laughs and blinks to Lauri.
- Of course! Come on! Go to the mirror, - I put Aki in the order too. Hes also satisfied with the result.
- Well, we should go on stage. Go with us, youll stay behind the scenes and listen to us.
- Wonderful! Lets go!
They go out, I follow them. On my way I reach Aki.
- Aki? Tell me, please, why were the three of you there in the make-up room that surprised when Lauri permitted me to do his hair? I felt somethings not the way it had to be.
- You see, Lauri doesnt allow anyone to touch his hair. Just anyone. He always does his hair himself. Hes a psycho about it, - laughs. C Thats why we were wondering so much. He seems to trust you.
- Hmmm weird. Well, thank you.., - understand nothing. Refer to everyone, - good luck!
- Thanks!
Boys hug each other quickly (obviously, its a sort of a tradition between them) and go on the stage. I stand at the end of the curtains: theres a splendid view over the stage from here but Im not visible from the viewers places. Comfortable. The gig starts. I stand and absorb the music and the energy. Even from here its clear that a huge energy-exchange takes place: guys give their energy from the stage and the viewers send their love from the hall. Amazing. Lauri sends me a glimpse from time to time and smiles at me. And I seem to be standing, stupidly smiling during the whole show. Finally the concert is almost over and guys leave the hall, looking wet, tired but extremely happy.
- Now how was that? Did you like it? C asks Lauri.
- Wonderful, - this foolish smile still decorates my face, I guess. Wet, all of them go to the make-up room, I wander silently after them. We enter the room.
- Guys! Youre fantastic! Its breath-taking! You work so hard for them! C say I way charmed and begin to prepare for leaving.
- Thank you! C say they all together.
- Thank you for taking me here, - I say, covering my neck with the scarf and putting my coat on. C Well, thank you one more time and bye bye! C take my bag and move to the door.
- Stop! Where are you going? C asks confused Lauri.
- Where? Home, - I say motionlessly.
- But maybe you could stay? Lets go together to the bar and have something to drink?
- Yes, come on! Lets go! C continue the rest. Aki screams louder than the others. Hmmm I begin to like him: a crazy type of a person. However I like all of them. Although theyre that different: Aki is easy to figure out, hes cheerful and mad, Eero and Pauli are more patient and well-balanced but it doesnt prevent them from exploding at times as well Lauri hes so special, patient and crazy at the same time. Id like to be a friend of each of them weird but since the very beginning I started thinking of them as of potential friends only all of them, even Lauri weirs, even the thought of crashing on one of the guys hasnt come into my mind possibly, the wounds on my heart arent smoothed yet
- No, guys, thanks. I still have a lot to do today, - I smile. Ive told lies: I just have no wish to go somewhere now. Wanna stay alone for a while.
- OK, - they smile instead of answering. C Will we meet again?
- Lauri has got my phone number, so call me. We should see each other later, - smile a bit wider to everyone. C And if you need a visage-maker or a hair-dresser, Ill always serve you.
- Fine. Well take your personality into consideration, - goes Lauri. He said it way weird or did it only seem to me? Hes actually somewhat mysterious.
- Cool! See ya! C I say and move away fast.
Get outside. Theres still a crowd of the fans at the club. I hardly get through them and go to the road. Catch a taxi. Not able to walk in such a frosty street. After coming back home I put away the ends of yesterday actions of mine, lie down in the bed and fall asleep at once.
Next week passes by as in mist: I feel ill, obviously, Ive caught flu so during the whole week Ive almost never left my home. And being at home I either slept, either watched TV, according to my mood. I felt so lonely and abandoned. Im in bed here all alone, suffering with no one to help me. Theres even no one to be sent to the chemists for the tablets. The phone is muting and I have no one to call. Lauri? Probably its the only person I could call. The only person I know here (my ex-love is now to be counted as a stranger). But I dont know him so intimately that I could put a curb over his neck and demand his caress. Hes already done a lot for me
Right within a week I began to feel that the walls of my home are closing in, Im out of breath here. And finally high temperature has fallen down. Having wrapped myself warm and sneezing sometimes, I went outside all in all.
Its so cold, C I thought, covering with chill while leaving the entrance. With no need to hurry somewhere I move wherever my eyes look.
Well. Its time to do something with my own life, C I decide only now. Yes, definitely its time to do it. I should search for a job. I go to the nearest book-store. In 5 minutes I go out of there with the heap of ad newspapers in my hands. In fact, my flu hasnt disappeared completely: I still feel bad weakness. In the end I decide that health is the only thing I need now. Thats why I go home. On my way home I take out the phone and call the pizza house to order a big pizza and several bottles of beer to be delivered home. Dont want to cook; one pizza will be enough for me for a couple of days. It means Ill stay at home for a couple of days more to be cured.
I come home, lay the papers on the table and sit obediently, waiting for the pizza to be carried. Hear the door bell within half an hour. So pizza and six bottles of beer stand on the table. And what for have I ordered so much beer? No difference, Ill drink all of this in the evening. Take a piece of pizza, a bottle of beer, newspapers and fall onto the bed. Start examining job offers.
 - Nothing suitable, - I say loudly and put away the second newspaper already, feeling disappointed. Suddenly I hear the ring of my mobile.
Weird. Who can it be? C I think, getting out of the blanket unwillingly.
- Hallo.
- Linn? Hi! C a familiar voice in the phone. C Recognized me? Whats up? Where are you? Why keep silence?
- Oh! Lauri! Hi! Of course, I did recognize you. Whats up? Im normal. And wait, did I have to call you?
- No, but I was hoping youd call, - laughs. It doesnt seem to be funny to me though. Im ill, Im lonely and hes saying things like that. Uhhhh
- Well, sorry that I hadnt satisfied your hopes, - answer I in an annoying manner.
- Oops! Well, dont be angry! C laughs again. C May we go somewhere tonight? Want to drink some coffee? Where are you at the moment?
- Me? At home. Im ill. Caught flu. And my temperature seems to be rising again. So thanks for your invitation but I cant get away from home now, - says my frustrated voice. Of course, I want to see him, hes the one who I can talk normally to, but it wont work anyway.
- Even so! So youre ill? Then again, why didnt you call? Do you have like medicines? C a worried voice again. Its so pleasant: theres someone who takes care of me.
- I have everything I need, dont worry. Thank you for caring of me.
- OK. And dont you wish to have a conversation?
- I do
- Then tell me your flat number.
- 51 and?
- Look, Ill be in half an hour. Wait for me! C I have no time to answer, therere already phone hooters. I stand motionlessly for a couple of minutes, staring at the phone with no point.
Shit! In half an hour? How? What? Why? What to do? C I keep on staring at the phone. Shit! Id rather do something with my look! And I better tide up here! C finally it dawns on me. I throw the phone through half a room and it lands onto the sofa. I begin chasing inside the flat. In half an hour I sit in the kitchen and spin the bottle of beer in my hands stupidly. The flat is in the right order, Im too. Wild weakness in my body, head is spinning a little bit but I hide my condition as well as I can. The door bell. I stand up and slowly crawl to the door. Open it. In front of me theres Lauri with the package in his hands. Smiles openly.
- Hi! C I smile, answering. C Come in.
- Thanks, - he says, entering the hall. Takes off his jacket, muting, hangs it on the rack quietly. Turns to me. - So! Wheres your kitchen?
- There, - I point at the kitchen door.
- Excellent! Lets go! C takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen. I follow him obediently. We get in the kitchen (Ive got a big bright kitchen).
- So! Sit down! C leads me by the hand to the table and points at the chair. Slightly chuckling, I land on it with obedience. He takes a look at the table: several bottles of beer, pizza. C Wow! Youre that ill and drink cold beer?
- Well, yes
- Have you gone mad?
- Possibly, - I shake shoulders.
- Seems like that, - smiles. C And what is pizza with?
- Well try to guess? C I blink.
- Well most of all I like
- Hot pizza with ketchup and cheese, - we utter simultaneously.
- Wow! C he feels inspired. C How can it be? Our tastes are apparently the same!
- Yep, - I say in a low voice. My head is spinning so fast. I lay myself on the back of the chair. Lauri stands next to me and looks at me.
- Well! Sit and relax! Can I feel as a host? C he tells me and put the package on the table.
- Oh, feel at ease! The kitchen is at your service, -I smile, saying this. C Could it be also that youre a cook?
- Well, yep, whats wrong about that? If I hadnt started singing career, Id have become a cook, - he says, smiling and taking out of the package such things as spaghetti, a bottle of pasta and red wine.
- You arent stopping surprising me, - say I thoughtfully. C And if I wasnt a stylist, Id probably become a teacher of English language.
- You? A teacher?
- Why not, - keep smiling. C It sounds as weird as when you said youd be a cook.
- And why not? I guess youd turn out to be a good teacher, - he smiles at me. C And now watch and learn!
He takes saucepans, fry pans, spices and begins to create at the electric cooker. I watch the process quietly with unhidden interest. A man at the cooker is a really exciting picture. To tell the truth, being 21 years old its for the first time when I see how a man prepares something more complicated than an omlette and a cup of coffee so professionally.
Within 30 minutes there appears a plate full of spaghetti Bolognese, a plate with the hot pizza and a cup of mulled wine in front of me.
- So? C Lauri sits down close to me with the self-assured smile Id say.
- Well, theres nothing I didnt know earlier, - ironically remark I. C I also cook not that bad but I dont appreciate this ungrateful job.
- Believe me, this is not the least grateful job to be done, - blinks to me.
- I know, - smile back. C The least grateful is to be a hair-dresser or a visage-maker.
- Indeed?
- Yes, believe what I say. The very ungrateful occupation, - I smile, tasting mulled wine. C But an interesting one. Mmm and thats tasty!
In half an hour our plates are empty and we move to the room with the rest of mulled wine. Strangely the conversation goes so easily already that I forget that Im sitting next to the person I know for a week only. A feeling that we know each other for ages. And I feel much cozier in his society.
- Well, have you decided what to do now? C after about an hour of cheerful talk he asks me absolutely seriously all of a sudden.
- Yes, Ill apply for a job. You see, I should repair my life.
- And where are you going to search for a job?
- Dunno Ill work in some saloon. Right now Im examining ads, - I tell him, nodding in the direction of newspapers heaps, lying on the bed. C Ill just get over a little bit and will come to it with attention.
- OK. But dont be too quick, OK? C he says it in a weird manner and changes the topic of the conversation at once. After nearly two hours all mulled wine is dried as well as beer which was situated in my home and a bottle of white wine from my stock. Theres no even a smell left after the pizza and spaghetti. My belly hurts because of laughter. Lauri starts picking his stuff up to go home.
- Well, big thanks for coming across, - I tell him at the door already. C And give my regards to your sister, - I blink and laughter comes over me again.
- Definitely I will, - smiles he, putting his jacket on. C Thank you for being so hospital, I liked your home, - hints he. C Look, Ill become impudent and will visit you often.
- Oh, please, youre welcome! You could grab your guys next time, - I blink. C Then just dont forget to catch food with you.
- OK. Decided! Then expect all of us at your home! C again smiles suspiciously and theres a strange flame in his eyes. Open the door for him. Goes out, turns to me:
- Linn? Can I ask you?
- Of course, - look at him with virginity in my eyes. Weird, but Im kind of afraid of this question.
- Do you believe in destiny? C he asked that so seriously that it seems incomprehensible. I hesitate.
- Well.., - look into his eyes. C Yesnow I do, - smile, - and you?
- I do, C smiles as well. C Well! I must go! Take care of yourself! Ill call within several days and take in consideration: youve invited all of us!
- Ill wait for you. Bye!
- Bye, - smiles, turns away and leaves. I stare at his back for a couple of seconds. Shut the door.
All in all, I believe in destiny. Destiny seems to have thrown a wonderful friend for me, - I think, laying in my bed already and fall asleep again.

For two days after it Id been laying with nothing to do but to try to make my temperature down. Finally Ive done it and I started walking outside my home. My first great outing turned out to be a shot-trip: Ive bought heaps of new make-up (make-up is my weakness and it always puts me in the nice mood), pair of new learn-Finnish-yourself books, an enormous quantity of newspapers with ads, lots of products and a couple of wine bottles.
Next several days Ive spent at home, examining ads and Finnish-teaching books. In the end I coped up and stopped my choice on 3 saloons. From the very beginning of the next day I went on spying: took a ride through the saloons, left my applications for the job and a phone number in two of them. The third one produced no impression on me. The ending of the day I spent walking in the town and returned home in the evening. Feeling torn down, I sit down to watch TV. Suddenly I hear the yell of my telephone. Hope, its about the job, - I think and flow like a bullet towards the kitchen, where my phone was thrown.
- Hello? - finally reach the phone and lift it to my ear.
- Hello? Linda? Good evening! C hear an unknown voice of a man.
- Yes, its me. Good evening, - hardly try to guess who it can be.
- My names Martin. Im a producer of The Rasmus. Hope you know who Im talking about? C laughs.
Wow! Whats that supposed to mean? - the thought pierces my mind.
- Yes, I know them. Nice to meet you!
- The same. Youre probably interested why Im phoning you?
- In fact, yes.
- I called you to offer a job.
- What? - Im taken aback. Slowly crawl down onto the chair. A total mess in my head.
- Yes, a job. Guys have already bullied me telling what a good stylist you are and how much they need you. I gave it up and agreed, - laughs. C Actually we want to offer you to work under us. Youll have to accompany The Rasmus in all the photo-, TV- or video shoots. Plus they insist on your presence during the tours. Youll have to obey all their wishes about hair-dresses, make-up for the concerts, shoots and so on. When its about our necessities, we guarantee to provide you with all the stuff needed, also a normal salary, plus youll have your own hotel room while on tour and a plenty of free time. Well, do you agree? But dont think its that easy.
- Hmmm.., - I just cant digest everything Ive heard.
- I see, I made you solve the puzzle, - his serious voice changes for laughter again. C Fine. Think patiently for a while, make up your mind and Ill call you in a couple of days again to get to know your decision. Or you could connect Lauri and pick up your conclusion yourself.
- OK. Thank you so much.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye, - I utter and turn off the phone. Sit and stare at one point with no thoughts in my head. Theyre jumping in my brains. Unbelievable! Lauri? Thats why he asked me not to be too quick to decide what to do with the job! Shit! And what should I do now? C Im still in trance. About an hour passes by. I seem to go on staring at nothingness. Suddenly I hear the bell at my door. It puts me back out of trance. Quickly stand up and more towards the door. Who can it be? C I think. Anyway I come to the mirror. Its cool that I havent dressed up for the night yet, not a bad look, - I decide and reach the door. Open it. Fall down in another trance. Its The Rasmus on the doorstep, all together; everybodys smiling wide and carrying bags.
- Linn! Hi! C say guys in chore.
- Do you remember inviting us to your home? C asks Lauri.
- I remember, - I smile. C Youre welcome.
I get out of the aisle, they go to the hall one by one, everyone stops on his way to give me a hug.
- So! Guys! Follow me! C say Lauri, moving to the kitchen bravely. All of them go behind him and at the end of the row theres me. C Sit down! C he tells me. I take my place obediently. The four of them are hushing under Lauris control. I sit on the chair and watch them with a smile, having no words to say. In 10 minutes the table is already fulfilled with food and beer and wine bottles. The men take their sits. Lauri and Aki sit down beside me and Pauli and Eero are against us.
- So! What? Did Martin call you? - questions me Lauri.
- Yes. Just an hour ago. Im shocked. Didnt expect this from you.
- Why? C includes Aki lively. C We decided we wont be able to do anything without your help. In addition to this youre jobless. We dont want you to move somewhere from here.
- Thank you, - I smile.
- Well? What did you decide to do? Will you accept? C they seem to speak in chore. Actually they try to interrupt each other.
- Well, -they become mute looking at me with impatiently. I took into everyones eyes one guy after another. Smile. C Of course, I will.
- Excellent! C says Lauri and takes his phone off his rucksack. C Well tell Martin immediately.
He calls Martin and talks to him for some minutes. The others make a lot of noise, opening bottles, preparing glasses and pouring the wine into them during Lauris call.
- Thats it! - says Lauri, putting his phone away. C He said you should come into his office with your documents on Monday so that to sign some papers.
- Good. Is that all?
- No, - he smiles. C Martin also said, he didnt think youll agree so fast and easy.
- I also didnt. And by the way, if you werent here today Id think twice if its worth doing or not, - I blink.
- Then we arrived at your not in vain, - says Aki.
- So what? C Pauli picks up his wine glass. C To the new The Rasmus member!
- Yes! C agree the rest taking their glasses up.
- Simply to The Rasmus! To you, guys! Thank you for everything, - I lift my glass after everyone, touch their ones and we dry them in a swallow.
The whole evening there were guys with me. Such a strange company, they can think: four men and one girl, but it didnt prevent us, surprisingly, from feeling comfortable in each others company. I felt myself equal with them and felt ease in the end and began to treat me like their companys man. Ive understood it clearly when they got a bit drunk and started sharing perverting jokes. They were very much surprised to find out I also know a plenty of them. Waving farewell we already behaved like good friends, drunk, reddened and almost in the morning.
On Monday I met Lauri in the morning, we went to Martins office together. Ive been there for a couple of hours. We made a contract, discussed everything and left each other. Having got out of Martins office I jumped to Lauri barely making him fall down.
- Thanks! C said I finally distracting from him.
- Well? Did you satisfy each others conditions?
- Yes. We signed the contract. Its amazing. Now Im officially counted on this job until the beginning of December, - I announce cheerfully. The most unbelievable thing here is that now its March, which has just begun. It means I have a job for almost a year. Whats more, I got to know the tour list where Im going to accompany them: the whole Northern Europe and a part of the Central. Plus a tour through Germany, long enough.
- Then its splendid, - smiles Lauri. C Do you know the tour route? Well be on tour in a week already!
- I know everything. I hardly believe in things happening, - turn and look at Lauri. - Thank you. For everything.
- Too early to be joyful, - he says strangely sparkling with his eyes at me, - its really not as easy as it can seem. Tour is an extremely tiresome thing. Just imagine: a bus, four exhausted angry dudes, concerts every day, just a pair of hours to sleep normally a day, - smiles wider, - parties after the concerts, girls
- Well, girls are for you only, - I laugh. C Im somehow more attracted to the male sex, you know.
- OK, Im defeated, - laughs, - parties, guysgirlswell, well divide them when gone there.
- Agreed
And in a week I moved myself into the bus and we went on tour. To tell the truth, what they called a tour wasnt actually a tour in the beginning: just about 10 concerts in Finland and Sweden. It was the main rehearsal before the real tour, better to say, which started at the end of the spring. But the atmosphere was exciting. We became really good friends. But closer than the others was Lauri especially. I started to think of him as of my best friend. Although in general the four friends I had now were the only four that I had at all. And they were always with me. My friends, my saviors and simply wonderful people.
I remember those long nights in the tour bus: road, night and some silence. Nights in the bus seemed really long: I didnt learn how to sleep on the road. But they didnt give me plenty of sleep anyway: from the first days a special unspoken jet lag took place: first we all set together gossiping, having fun and then Pauli went to sleep (the only one who slept smoothly in such conditions), Eero started with meditation and Aki either slept, either listened to music. And Lauri and me went together at the tail of the bus smoking and talking till the dawn. What about? About everything in this world: about life, love, told each other stories of our lives, dreamed together, he taught me Finnish (by the way, thanks to him and to the couple of books I started speaking surely enough Finnish by the end of the month), and I taught him some Russian words. And sometimes we simply set watching each other or looking out of the window silently, everyone thought of his stuff and such a muting didnt make us numb anyhow.
Gigsthey were something breathtaking. I always stood behind-the-scenes and listened. It was something unbelievable. Every time I observed with interest how those people I spent days with changed on stage. In fact it was more like an entertainment for me, not a job: Martin was wrong when said Ill feel difficulty it professional side of the job. The boys turned out to be not that capricious from this point.
Consequently this tour ended up very quickly: at the end of March we already returned to Helsinki. We left 10 performances, several TV-programs, radio-records and of course parties behind. They always took me to their parties. Actually in most cases we went there with Lauri and Aki, rarely Pauli joined our company. Usually we giddied up all together and reached out hotel with the break of the dawn and sometimes separated: they were with girls and I was with some guy (I was equal to them even at this). And in the morning we threw ourselves into the bus again and went on it. It was the only case when everybody slept in the afternoon in the tour bus. However usually we started with discussion of the previous party and the people who got in our hotel rooms with laughter (the most frequent questions here were: how drunk was I and how clear do I remember the person Ive been with), then everyone took his place and fell asleep (my fave place here was the arm-chair next to Lauris one, with his shoulder serving as a pillow for me and from time to time he let me fall asleep this way. Sometimes he set down close to me by himself and shared his shoulder, smiling). So, the tour was over, and we found ourselves in Helsinki again. There was a very big tour soon, but it started in 2 months. It seemed kind of strange but having become that intimated during the tour we didnt even part while being in Helsinki. It all went by itself, I dont know I was close to them, they were close to me. I didnt miss any of their rehearsals, parties, picnics and journeys and as for them, they often were the guests at my home. I was lucky to get acquainted with their families and girlfriends (I mean Eeros wife and Paulis steady girlfriend. Both of them first treated me with suspicion, but we also went out to be not bad friends finally. Preparing for the upcoming tour I swore to death that Ill take care of their faithful lovers while on road). These two months passed by too fast. Thats when the real tour started. Again we moved big bus and settled off. Sweden, Germany, Italy were expected uswell, the list was long enough.
But the first destination according to the time-table was Germany and the making of the video there. Thats when I had to put myself in the job to the full: for the video the boys had to have absolutely new hair-styles, plus I had to obey the directors orders when its about make-up and hair fixation. Naturally it wasnt that easy, but the job was overwhelming. However I wont hide that I was glad to know the shoot was finished.
In the end the tour itself started. Life rolled again with the same concept: tour bus, hotel, sound check, preparations before the gig (my main work was concentrated on this), concert, autograph-session, the bus again (if were lucky enough, then the hotel and the night of normal sleepor one more party are guaranteed). In addition to this TV-programs and interviews from day to day (here its my work to be done as well so that they looked normally on the screen).

I dont know where my destinys taking me.
June went funny, noisy and way too fast. In July we found ourselves in Germany again. This time we moved there for a week already. Soon there were making of a new video and three days of gigs. To be gone through. The screening of a video clip appeared to be tense enough but passed quickly enough. The rest of the days we spent according to our tastes in a very nice hotel of the Munichs countryside, hanging around in the night club nearly.
The last evening here. Tomorrow the same bus, road and new gigs. And today its just a rest. The five of us sit in a restaurant belonging to the hotel, and speak even too loudly. Our Finnish language and laughter is heard all over the restaurant. Luckily theres no one here who knows Finnish except for us.
- Look - maybe you could send it to hell, our sleep? Lets spend night to the full in a club? So? Lets do it again for the whole night! C of course, its Aki.
- Oh! No! Enough! Lets have just one night of sleep? C it isEero. We grabbed him everywhere we went to all these days and now he looks tired enough.
- Yes! Wed better sleep normally! All in all we wont be allowed to have a real sleep one more time for a while since now, - now its Paulis voice. Also exhausted after all of this.
- Well? And what do you think? C Aki passionately gazed at me and Lauri.
- WellI wouldnt refuseif only Linn comes with us! C oh, as always. Two little babies Lauri and Aki cant have true fun without Miss Linn. Know it, have listened to the same old song for the last 3 nights and a lot of nights before them. Nevertheless, both of them were now gazing at me begging with the puppys eyes. Villains. Used to the fact that I help them get to know other girls. Although they help me as well, butbut I also should sleep from time to time. Obviously, all my thoughts reflected on my face. Aki and Lauri keep on looking at me like puppies. Eero and Pauli reacted by loud laughter.
- Well- sit looking at them with a funny smile. Suddenly I hear the peep of my mobile. C Yes! C I didnt manage to hide my satisfaction in me.
- Well, Liiiiin! Come on, come on with us! C aha, its Lauri. Looks at me with his smoothing green eyes.
- Wait. Ill answer the phone call and then will announce my decision to you, - smile mysteriously and take out the telephone. Guys begin to talk to each other indifferent to my problems. Actually I often get a call about some organization stuff. If turned out somehow that Martin decided Im the most disciplined in this band and since then he started from calling me on every problem.
- Hello! Yes, I. What? Who? C guys cut down their conversation at once and turned to me all together. I speak Russian and they see and hear for the first time that I use Russian for the mobile. In fact, they know everything possible about my life. Almost everything Id say. Lauri knows me better than the others. Its his surprised face, which is the closest to me at this very moment. So I continue talking: - Yes. And what do you need? Me? Right now? In Germany. I work here. And actually its not your cup of tea what I do now and where I am. What? Yes? And when? Whom? Clear. What? And you find it decent to ask about it? Naturally, no. No, I wont be there. Thats it. I said everything. Goodbye. And good luck, shoddy. Dont call me anymore.
During this conversation I seemed to become first white outside, then reddened, then turned into blue, then again returned to white color on my face. Quickly push the stop-button on the phone. Well. Deep sigh. Calm down! Its OK. Smile slightly and face the rest of the band.
- Who was that? C Lauri. A mix of anxiety and wonder in his voice.
- Are you alright? C Eero. Also thrilled.
- Yes. Everythings cool, guys! C smile a bit wider. C It doesnt matter who it was. Its all good.
- Are you sure? C they question in chore.
- Yep. Definitely.
- OK. So? What can you answer about the club? C aha. Smoothing eyes. No, this time it was Aki. Lauri keeps on looking at me anxiously.
- No, guys. Sorry, but Id like to have a little sleep. And I feel not good in addition, - stand up from the chair, take my rucksack. C So Im gonna to the hotel room right now. Good night, everyone! See you tomorrow morning! C kiss them quickly one after another and fly towards the lift. Calm down! No cry! Not now anyway! Wait for your room! C the inner voice. The only wisdom in me. So many feelings are boiling inside of me now. First of all, they are offense and anger. Having entered the lift already I feel tears on my cheeks. Quickly push the button of the fifth floor. The doors beside me shut. Did it seen to me only or was it actually Lauri leaving the restaurant right after me? Dont care. Ive got a lot to care of.
Throw myself away on the floor I needed, put the key in the door with trembling hands and Im in my room. Close the door behind me, turn back and lay back against the wall near the door. Tears flow like streams all by themselves. Slowly crawl down the wall to the floor. Do not remember the last time I cried. Probably, only the day when first saw Lauri in the street. Still sit on the floor, in darkness and cry silently. Hear the steps behind the door. Low knocking at the door. At my door? It seems so.
- Open. Get in, Lauri, - I say.
- And how did you figure me out? C the door opened a little bit and the head went out of it. Lauri. My eyes were hurt badly by the light from the hall, and I began to cry even harder.
- Guessed right, - look at him from the floor. He enters quickly, turns up the light, locks the door after him and comes to me.
- What happened? C sits down on his feet right opposite me and looks into my eyes.
- Nothing, - tears continue dropping from my eyes. And he sits beside me and watches me helplessly.
- That wont go. Youll tell me the whole story right now, - he says. Stands up and offers me his hand. I grab it and get up too. C Well? Come on! Lets go! C embraces my shoulders and leads to the sofa. We sit down on it. I dig my face into his shoulder and go on weeping.
- Hey? Linn? Calm down! Tell me, whats going on? Who called you? - asks he. I put myself together finally and lift up my eyes at his ones.
- Give me something to drink, please. Theres a bottle of whisky in the box, - I utter through the tears. He takes away his hand, rested on my shoulder, gets up, picks up whisky and two glasses. Pours it and sits down besides me again. Carries me the whole glass of it. I keep on crying. Take the glass and dry it at once. He fills the glass one more time, muting. Drink it in a swallow again, then put the glass on the table. He drinks only half a glass and puts away the bottle with the glasses. Then sits down close to me one more time and embraces me. Such pleasant friendly hugs. I calm down a bit and tears keep falling, but more slowly then before.
- So? Tell me! C hear his voice in my ear.
- It was Oleg, - announce I in a low voice. Oleg is the shoddy who left me alone in a foreign country with no ability and desire to live.
- And what did he want from you? - again says the voice beside my ear.
- Heis getting married, - change for weeping. C Imagine! Getting married! Already! To some Finnish girl! We parted less than half a year ago and hes now planning marriage! Weve been together almost for three years and he never said a word about marriage. And nowit hurts so mucheven considering that I dont love hem for a while already, butit hurts
- Then why did he make this call? To tell you such a wonderful news? C asks he. I let myself free from our hugs, sit down and stare at my hands blankly, while tears continue dropping. His hand rests on my back, bringing relief.
- Hehe found it decent to invite me to the wedding party, - still dropping my tears, I keep staring at my palms. C And ImIm a foolfreaky naive fool, - utter I silently. Whisky strikes my brains slowly. Stubborn tears are still falling down my face.
- No! Do not say so! Youre not like that! C he touches my chin slightly with his one hand and turns my face towards him. C Youre not a fool! And exactly not freaky! C wipes away tears from my face with another one. C Linn! Stop crying! Youre the best girl I know. C Keeps holding my chin, looking into my eyes leery seriously. I look into his eyes: these beautiful green eyes of my best friend. Smile slightly. Whisky strikes my mind even worse. Notice strange flames in his eyes. Whats that? C I think. He sits as before and watches me with absolutely serious faceandin a couple of seconds. Whats that? Lips? Exactly! Lips! Oh, my God! He kisses me! In my lips! Way shy, but pleasant. Answer his kiss. My head starts spinning. Obviously, its because of whisky. Or because of a kiss? I dont know, but anyway, its pleasant. Finally we part. He gets back from me suddenly and lays down his eyes modestly.
- Sorry, - he says, and in the end he lifts up his eyes on me, feeling embarrassed. Whats that? Has he reddened?
- Theres nothing for you to apology for, C I smile. C And you forgive me for this, - I tell him, bending towards him. This time is me who kisses. And he answers the kiss.
Whisky consequently blows me up. And after this I as through a mist, how I pull his shirt over and how he takes off my top yes, I seem to appear the person who started all of this. We kiss like crazy and in a couple of minutes all clothes moves from us to the floor and we find ourselves in bed
I dont have a clue how much time passed since that, but one moment I realized that I had become tipsy. And that Im lying in bed next to Lauri. He sleeps peacefully, my head rests on his breast, and his hands are on my waist.
Good girl! An excellent way out of the stress: to sleep with your best friend. Nothing to add. Cool! C repeats my stubborn inner voice. Suddenly I hear someones slight knocking on the door.
- What? Whos that? C Lauri picks up his head.
- Dont worry. Sleep. Ill open, - I say, getting out of the blanket. Move towards the door. On my way I break through out clothes and recollect that I should put on anything. Grab the dressing gown from the arm-chair and dress it up, going further. Open the door. Theres Aki in the doorstep.
- Ouh. MmmLinn? C watches me from legs up to my head blankly.
- Yes. What happened? C follow his view. Yes, Im in the dressing gown. Actually in a black short silky dressing gown. Its visible that its over the nude body, but its not transparent anyway and long enough to cover everything. What for does he stare so? C Aki! Ive got eyes as well! So please look into my eyes!
- Oops! Yes. Sorry, - made him red. C Did I disturb you? Arent you alone?
- In fact, yes, not alone. So tell me right now, whats going on?
- Sorry! I didnt want to! Simply, dont you know where Lauri is? He left us right after you and didnt say wheres going. And his phone is off. We have to leave from here in the morning.
- No, I dont know where he is. Dont worry: hes an old enough boy, hell be back, - I smile. C And Im sure hell be in time. You know hes responsible enough. And now thats it! Bye bye!
- Good bye!
Shut the door. Theres no need for them to know whats happened. Go to the bed.
- Come to me! C Lauri looks at me and throws away the blanket.
I take off the dressing gown, muting, throw it onto the sofa and lay down. Rut my head on his shoulder he embraces me and kisses my forehead.
- Good night, Linn!
- Good night, Lauri!
He falls asleep in a moment. I lay for several minutes, thinking what to do about it. Well, Ill think of it tomorrow, - guess I, falling asleep.
Awake because of the feeling that someones looking at me. Open my eyes: exactly so. Lauri sits on the sofa against the bed, watching me non-stopping with a sweet smile. Notice at once that all our clothes is packed beautifully together with his stuff and he sits in jeans only.
- What? C I mumble, pulling my body with satisfaction.
- Nothing, - he smiles. C Youre just that beautiful while sleeping.
- Aha. Like if you hadnt seen me sleeping before.
- In such a way, no, C smiles again. I do too, then sit down quickly and throw the pillow at him. It reaches his impudent face as it should.
- How much time is it now? C keep sitting on the bed lazily.
- Seven oclock in the morning. We should go for a breakfast in an hour and leave in 2 hours. We must talk about what has happened, - he says with a serious expression. C That night it was Aki?
- Yes, it was him. He was looking for you. I said I didnt know where youre, C I put on my dressing gown. - Lauri. Lets decide this way: nothing has come between us, OK? I consider you to be my best friend and dont wanna wreck our friendship because of one night. Were grown up, right? So let it be our common secret?
He listens to all of this with absolutely serious face. Even agrees and understands. But his eyestheres something wrong about themor am I suffering from hallucinations one more time? Actually I know him well enough so far to understand, thatdunno. Thats enough of thinking of stupid things! It only seemed to me! Hangover, dear me! And the feeling of fault. Cause it was you, taking his clothes off first! If it wasnt you it would end up with the kiss only and youd find yourself all alone in bed in the morning.
- OK! Agreed! C he smiles and begins to dress up patiently. C Then Ill go now to my room and well meet at the breakfast in an hour, right?
- Right!
He dresses up and goes towards the door. I follow him. Open the door.
- Well? Bye! C I smile.
- Bye! C he smiles as in the answer, kisses me abruptly in the forehead and leave fast.
Well, thats OK. Parted like real grown-ups, - I think, starting putting myself in the right order and packing the clothes.
Right after an hour I go downstairs to the hall with my case. The guys are already all together. Greet everyone by kissing him in a cheek and all of us go for a breakfast. As usual we sit down at one big table and each of us orders breakfast according to his own taste.
- Lauri? Where were you last night? C asks Aki finally.
Its visible that hes extremely curious about it. In the end, he managed to find a reason to ask.
- Yes! Where were you? Aki was looking for you at my room in the middle of the night, I wonder why, - I say, laughing, and catch a glimpse of Aki. He reddens once again.
- Me? I was walking. C answers Lauri with no hesitation. Hes a good actor after all. His face doesnt even hint at his lie.
- All night long? C continues curious Aki again.
- No, not all night. I spent half of it, sitting at the bar. All alone. Didnt want to sleep.
- Clear. So Liiiin? C everybody knows Lauris hobby not to sleep at night and spend hours in loneliness. So Aki runs out of interest quickly, having no wish to question his friend. This time Aki decides to bully me.
- What Akiiiiiii? C throw I with childish innocent face.
- Who was with you that night? C a normal question between us, however all the guys gazed at me as it because of a command. C You said you were going to bed! And you were not alone!
- I didnt tell you I was going to sleep alone, - I chuckle. C So well! It was Sean! I invited him to drink whiskey. Satisfied?
- Enough, - he smiles and they quickly change their topic of discussion instead of analyzing my personal life. Weve discussed Sean many times before. This guy was living next to my door and we hanged out together for a couple of times in a clubafter these parties he stayed with me for a night. So now he served as a very fitting way out.
After one hour we moved to bus.
Its something sacred, something so beautiful.
And since then started new gigs and endless nights in the tour bus. There was nothing new in our relationship with Lauri. As before weve been talking on the back, sitting for hours, smoking mint cigarettes and hanging out in clubs preferably. That night seemed not to happen between the two of us at all, things went the usual order. It was only incomprehensible anxiety, settled in my soul, but I didnt show it. Everything was usual way. Well, almost everything.
Nearly a month passed so far. Now were in Sweden. Guys have several gigs on local summer festivals and a couple of solo concerts in the clubs. Today is the day of such a solo. Im standing behind-the-scenes as always and watch. Listen to the music and fans yelling. Weird, but last several days all these yelling girls began to make me nervous. I really dont know why. Stand and watch blankly with no thoughts in my head how Lauris jumping alone the stage with the mic. What a child he actually is! In fact, no, not a child. In his thoughts hes very grown-up and serious. But he acts as a true kid, whod been given his favorite toy. So much energy inside of him that probably itd be enough for a small electricity station. As always he throws a quick view at my side and smiles at me. How strangely his eyes burn!
How much I love him, - I think. Stop. What? What was that? Abstract from the scene and repeat the phrase to myself: I love him. Strange enough that saying the word love, my heart first falls somewhere to the feet, then springs up and stars beating somewhere in the area of my throat. Im drifting abruptly and I almost faint. Whats wrong with me? So! Enough! You should get out of this closeness! - I fly quickly towards the make-up room, grab my rucksack and push myself through the rear entrance to the street at the bullets speed. After the closeness of the club pleasant cool Julys wind outside seems to be the paradise. Do not move, make a pair of deep inhales. Throw the rucksack onto my back and go where my eyes look at. Simply walk ahead, thats it. Try to think. Well! And whats so surprising about that? Oh yes, you love him. As a friend of yours. Friendship is also a kind of love, but spiritual love. So you love him as a one friend loves another one. Cause you do love Eero and Aki and Pauli as well, as friends. Whats then so special about Lauri? Hes also your friend! Your best friend, but just a friend, - head becomes less hot in the free street and began thinking. But I was wondering why the things my head digested were opposite to the things my heart said. Shit! Smoke! Take cigarettes from the pocket and light up one. Hearts still beating somewhere in the throat and reflects as a noise in my head.
Youre fool, Linn! Fool! You wanna say you realized it only now, right? Or you didnt listen to your heart before? C tells me my inner voice. C So what, I didnt. And it said for so long that you love him but not as a friend of yours! Shit. This stubborn voice tells me the truth. I love him. Love madly. With all his surprises and drawbacks. And why didnt I pay attention to it earlier? Its so apparently: Im annoyed by his fans, just hate the girls he takes from the parties, who find themselves then in his hotel roomits just being jealous of him. And once again that nightin fact it was pleasant that there was exactly Lauri next to me. And didnt you notice that so far youd remembered your first kiss? That unforgettable taste of mint cigarettes and whiskey. And didnt see that started staring at him for hours speechless, trying to read something on his face? Foolish Linn!
Absolutely lost in time and space I walk alone the dark streets and full of these thoughts smoke, probably the tenth cigarette already in a row. Hear the squeal of the brakes somewhere close to me. Turn my head in a moment and see the light of the headlights, approaching me fast. Oh, shiiiiit! C I think and shut my eyes tight. The squeal of brakes is extremely close. Silence. Open my eyes. Uhhh! Alive! And save! And even consciousness comes back to me fast. Look around. Im in the middle of the road, theres a red Mercedes in 3 meters away from me. Absolutely save. Thanks God, the driver had a good reaction for he hasnt collided with me or with the column nearly. Drivers window opens and an old enough man looks out of it anxiously. Hes pale. Im scared.
- Excuse me, please! C I move closer to him.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, Im normal. And you?
- Im also normal. You appeared on the road so unexpectedly. Lucky you because Ive got good drivers experience. Otherwise we wouldnt now talk to each other.
- Sorry. I didnt mean to. I just felt bad and didnt figure out where I was going. Sorry one more time.
- Dont worry. Everythings OK. Im glad both of us ended up with the feeling of fear only, - smiles at me. C Do you feel bad? May I give you a lift?
- That would be wonderful. Thanks a lot. I live not far from here. Hotel *****.
- Of course, sit down.
In five minutes I already enter the hotel happily. Uhhh! What an awful day! First I understood that well, understood everything and after it was close to passing away. This should be celebrated, - I decide and go straight to the bar of our hotel. I need something to drink. Actually in my everyday life I drink rarely and drinks, not hotter than beer, but when something like that happens to meI drink a lot and the hottest drinks, getting drunk slowly enough, but bad. Luckily we stand in this hotel for several days. Enter the bar, sit down at the furthest table, in the darkest corner and order double-whiskey. Cigarettes always run out at great speed, but whiskey is what I dry slowly. Hmmmoh well. You love him. What is to be done with it now? C I sigh and take the new cig. Shit! Mobile! Take the phone:
- Hello! C switch on the lighter to burn it up.
- Linn? It is Aki! Where are you now? We worry about you: where did you go?
Lay my eyes on the watches: almost midnight. The gig finished more than an hour ago, so theyre probably still putting autographs.
- Me? I felt ill and went out to have a walk. Im in the bar of the hotel. Come here, Ill be waiting for you.
- OK! Well be there in 10 minutes! Order something to drink for us!
Push the off-button. Watch the screen of the mobile: 10 calls, all of them are from the guys. And how could I not hear them? Not a light malady of mind that I had.
Slowly finish the cig, burn it down, drink my whiskey and call an waiter. Order some drinks. Many drinks. Answer that I expect my friends to join me, having noticed his mute question. Light up a new cig and try to return to my thoughts. What to do about it now? C I think, smoking the cig. Hear familiar voices and laughter. Wipe away my thoughtfulness from the face, put on my smile and wave friendly to the guys, who break in the bar, looking fatally tired. My eyes meet Lauris eyes. His eyes are burning. But they watch me as always did: they see the best friend and maybe the best girl he knows, but anyway this girl is only a friend, nothing more. The answer to my own question appears by itself in my head: Muting. Go on loving him and muting. I dont want to lose him.

You make it easy to love you and hate you.
Since that moment my life has turned into some incomprehensible torture. Time began to go much slower for some reason. And love inside me only grew. No, nothing has changed between us. Nothing at all. The same gigs, the same TV-programs, the bus, the road, work, conversations, jokes, partiesthis was the only thing I couldnt bear. No, I mean I was still in a good shape to put on my favorite tight jeans (in fact I never liked skirts and dresses because of a principle thats why my wardrobe was fulfilled with different trousers and jeans and there were no skirts or dresses. As well as there were no boots with heels. Taking in consideration my average height C 160 cm C I always wore only low-platformed shoes. Actually I wore only the clothes I felt cozy in and didnt care that it looked sometimes not fmale enough) and went everywhere together with them. Only one thing changed: I found it unbearable to communicate with guys on these parties, Im talking about the fellows who laid their eyes on me. But I had to get over myself, talk to them, flirt with them so that my friends didnt notice anything, take these men to my hotel room (however neither Aki, not Pauli, not especially Lauri had a clue how those men get out of my room frustrated after a couple of minutes in my company). And I sincerely hated to death all the girls Lauri had. I was angry with him for treating me like that, I cried in my pillow during long night for hours. But when the morning had come, I was the same old Linn all of them were used to see. I was kidding again, was laughing, was smoking heaps of mint cigs and talked to them patiently. And there was no one who could see the changed happened to me. But how dawn bad I felt. How hard it is to love a man madly, to be next to him and not to dare tell him about your feelings. It was just unbearable. Four months after that evening when I became aware of myself loving Lauri, this love grew inside me. It grew up to the stage where I simply didnt imagine my life without him any more. It was the first time I loved someone so deep. I found out myself what its like to love someone so bad that it leads even to hate. I loved him for everything and for nothing and hated him for being able to see only his friend in me, for flirting with other girls as it was normal right on my eyes. But anyway my love was stronger than any hate.
God! What for should I stand all of this? How could I fall in love with a man like him? Is it possible to love the person you know absolutely everything? Youre a fool, Linn! C spins in my head. Its the middle of October now. Were in Germany once again. Right now its the night and as usually everyones sleeping except for me and Lauri. Were sitting at the back of the bus. Keep silence. I sit embracing my knees and think of not really pleasant things. He sits next to me, smoking a cig and watching me thoughtfully. I can feel his look, but do not turn to him. Look right before me. Please, dont speak! I cant hear your voice! It hurts my soul! Do not look at me! I cant look into your eyes! They hurt my heart! I love you! Please, dont speak! - I beg Lauri not uttering a word.
- Linn? C his whisper breaks the silence and monotonous noise of the motor and snore of the sleeping ones. Chill goes down my spine. Having not turned to him, I answer also in a whisper:
- What?
- Linn? Are you alright? C inhale smoke deeply and the smoke overwhelms me. C You act a little bit strange last several weeks.
- Me? C I still dont look at his side. I should have guessed hell notice that something goes wrong. Dont know why, but since our first met it seemed to me that he reads my thoughts.
- Yes, you, - he puts his hand on my spine, barely touching it. Chill runs through me again. Like if it was an electric shock. Linn! Put yourself together! C I order mentally to myself. Turn my face towards his one, smile at him.
- No, its OK, Lauri. Im just a bit tired. Its hard to keep your life style, - smile some wider. C Or you want to say no one of you feels tired?
Look into his eyes. He watches me trustfully, friendly.
- Naturally, were tired too. Sorry. It just seemed to me that tiresome isnt the reason of it, - smiles embarrassed. Is he actually reading my thoughts? Or am I thinking that loudly?
- It only seemed to you, Lauri! Im simply a little bit tired, thats all!! It will be over! C smile wider and light a cig.
- OK.
The conversation is finished. Silence fills the air again. I find it harder to talk to him so far. To tell the truth, not harder but more painful. It hurts to pretend that nothing has changed, it hurts to look into his eyes and not to see there the love I want to see, it hurts to see his lips and not to tuck into them with the kiss, it hurts to know that he listens to what I say and not to say I love you. My life has turned into non-stopping pain. And I just dont know how long Ill stand it.
These thoughts refuse to leave my mind stubbornly. I smoke deep inside. I know the more Im with him, the stronger becomes my love and the stronger becomes my pain. It should be stopped somehow. I have to escape, C it dawns on me. Yes, escape. ButI just dont dare to do this now. Its only October, there are 1,5 months of performances and making of an important video waiting for me, and then and then Ill have holidays! Thats the only opportunity for me to get off this sinister circle, where my destiny took me. OK, a month and a half. Ill stay alive. I must. Ill go through it. I must stand it for me, for him, for them, for all of us.
Burn down the cig. Turn to Lauri. My eyes seemed to light up because having looked into them, he smiled at once.
- Lauri? C I smile and pull my body.
- Yes, Linn? C he answers me smiling.
- I want to sleep, - blink funny. C May I use your shoulder one more time?
- Of course, - he smiles. I move closer, embrace him, put my head on his shoulder.
- Lauri? C I say with my eyes closed already.
- Yes?
- Youre the best friend of mine! C I speak lower. I feel the urge to add I love you, but I prevent myself from it.
- And youre my best friend too, - hear the words somewhere near my ear and having given him a smile, fall asleep slowly, but deep.
If I say these 1,5 months were like a torture, itd mean I said nothing. As usual all of us were actually torn down, in addition to this, this damn love didnt let me live smoothly and breathe, it made me weep in the nights in my pillow (tears set my soul free, but the most disgusting thing was that there were extremely few nights like that when I could easily cry to the full), what is more, the shooting of the video. They last 2 days only but its probably the worst memory to recollect.
How I was living by hoping only. By the hope of the up-coming end of the tour. And finally December followed, the last concert was given, all the shooting were finished, all the shows and so on. In the end we go back to Helsinki again. The boys will have a rest for a month and a half. Aki, Pauli and Eero return home to their families and Lauri leaves for the US all alone for a month (by the way he asked me for a long time to go with him, but I rejected the offers surely). And I had to meet with Martin so that to discuss the details and to sign the new contract (cause of the upcoming tour in January). And naturally I had holidays as well.
So here we go, we enter Helsinki, I say goodbye to the guys passionately for a while, promise to be on the line and finally breaking the last hugs, I get off the bus near my home. Take my case and wander slowly to my houses entrance. I turn back to them and wave farewell for the last time. They smile with the whole mouth. Nobody knows my plans. Im not actually sure myself what to do next. But I know well that we wont see each other for a long time. All in all I find myself in my own flat. No thoughts in my head and no power to think of anything. Im so tired.
I spent the first week in a leisure: simply slept a lot, relaxed and tried not to think of anything. But the day when I had to visit Martin has already come. I went out of my home and passed several blocks, thinking everything over. Then I took out my mobile phone and called Martin: I told lies to him that cannot come across and postponed our met till the next week. Came home. Set down in the kitchen and started smoking, arranging plans for the nearest future quickly. First of all I should move somewhere from here. Here too many things remind me of Oleg (this wound hasnt been cured yet) and of Lauri. Secondly, I want to escape somewhere for a while. But where? Breathe the smoke deep inside and one idea appears in my mind: Exactly! To Kath!. Grab my mobile and push the necessary number, trying to speak as cheerfully and free as possible:
- Kath? Hi, darling! Whats up? Wonderful. Yes, Im also fine. Kathie? Ive got one request to you: wouldnt you let me stay at yours for a month? Yes? Excellent! Thanks! When will I be there? Welllet me thinkI have to do something about the flat. What? Aha. Ill tell you everything when I arrive. Yes, everything with the details, Ill show you even the photos. Solook, Ill be in a week. Ill call you back when buy the ticket. Thank you, dear! Well see each other! Kisses! C I lay down the phone with a smile full of satisfaction back onto the table.
Kath is my sister. Her full name is Katherine (our parents were very original when gave unusual names to their only two daughters Linda and Katherine and accompanied them with absolutely typical Russian father-names and last name Nicolaevna Nicolskaya). Shes 2 years older than me. Kathie has always been 100% opposite to me: Im a grey-eyed dark-haired girl, shes a blue-eyed blonde, I always preferred sporty style of clothes, she wears only female things (and chose only high-heeled shoes in spite of being half-head taller than me), I found not a serious profession but creative enough, she was studying economy and has now her own prosperous company, well, we were different since the very childhood. Obviously we loved each other so much because of that. She was the only person who didnt prevent me from moving to Finland (she guessed the ending, possibly). I remember how much we quarreled about it. Both of us were full of pride, no one made steps towards peace, even considering how much we missed each other. And thats when my best friend Lauri helped me: having found out all of this, he insisted on my calling her powerfully. And I did it (it was hard to avoid as Lauri was sitting beside me, watching how our relations develop). And we forgave each other. And we were very happy due to it. However I was surprised when figured out that my favorite sis also escaped from our parents (theyre not that easy to get on with) and bought a two-roomed flat in the center of Saint-Petersburg (we lived in Moscow with our parents). Since that call we started to e-mail each other (Lauri carried his notebook with himself luckily so I was connected to the I-net) and we knew whats going on at anothers side. I told her everything but about my love, but shell get to know about it soon.
Thats it. I made up my mind. Escape to Petersburg.

Days in a maze full of flames.
So right in a week all my business was finished: things were packed, flat was put in the necessary order, and the contract with the company of real estate was signed (while I was absent, they had to choose another flat for me. Having discussed all conditions and taking my wishes in consideration, we accepted that I exchange this big enough flat for a smaller one which is closer to countryside, and what is mire, I get essential sum of money for this), a ticket for a train was situated in my pocket. I say goodbye to this town and got on the train for an uncertain term. Thats the end. Now Im free but of what? Of love? Of hatred? Of friendship? Of memories? Of feelings? Uhhhits impossible to escape from yourselfbut you can try to agree with yourself. Thats what Im going to do in the nearest future.
Kathie welcomed me with kisses and hugs (its clear as we havent met each other in person for more than a year). She gave me a big room in her two-roomed flat and the key for the time of my presence there. First 3 days we didnt leave the kitchen chatted, told each other everything like crazy. She told me about her life, job, about three romances which ended unsuccessfully and about her escape to Petersburg and I shared everything I kept inside with her.
- Well, thats why I decided to act this way, - I finished finally my story and gazed at my sister waiting for the verdict.
- Linn? You know, what do I think on this point? C She said to me way too seriously. Oops, I dont like the expression on her face.
- What?
- It seems to me, you had to tell him everything!
- What? C I was indignant. C And to lose my friend at once? Oh no, thank you. Believe me, I know him good enough to say that he can be and he is a good friend, but cant treat women right way. And in fact I guess hes just not ready for serious relations with anyone.
- Its up to you my sweetie. But thats my opinion: I seem that you should have told him the whole story, but according to your words, it seems that hes not indifferent. C Kathie is a constant optimist. Even here I differ with her.
- Kathie! I know well that he loves me no more than Eero, Pauli or Aki, - I smoke deep inside and let the smoke out. C OK. Ill get over it. Ill go through this. I hope
Since that day daily routine started. Kathie was 24/7 at work and I was walking alone in the city. Simply took my rucksack, cigs and went for a walk. In reality Petersburg has always been my big love and I felt cozy in the company of my cigarette and this beautiful city. In the morning I stood up together with Kathie and we left house simultaneously. And came home about the same time, talked during the tea-set and went to bed. I began to smoke very much (maybe its true that cigs prevent from bad thoughts) and to think very much. Weird, but when I did not see Lauri, love continued growing inside of me. As well as pain. Yes, pain became many times bigger than before. But I had to stand it. To stand and to wait when the pain becomes smaller and I can breathe more patiently.
Invisibly December came to its end, all holidays were in the past, January started and new days have come. I picked up flu from my outings and was now lying at home, all alone. Finally it was the middle of January. Im still in bed cause of the flu, but I feel much better now fortunately. My eyes lead me to the calendar: lets see, therell be a new concert in a week and they leave Finland in two weeks. The time has come C I say to myself, taking my mobile phone. Turn it on and wait stupidly. Wait till someone calls me from there. My phone had been off for a month nearly and Im sure they are already looking for me and worry about me (my e-mail in the Internet is also fulfilled with letters from them, but I answered only once: it was Lauris one, I simply wrote that Im alive and everythings alright). I didnt have enough strength to hear anyone of them. And now I must. I have to explain my absence. I didnt wait for a long time: in three hours my phone cried out loudly. I sit down, breathe deep and lift up my phone to the ear:
- Hello? C try to make my voice smooth.
- Linn? Yeah! Guys! It is she! C so it is Aki.
- Yes, its me. Hi Aki.
- Hi Liiiiiin, C goes on Aki happily. Hear some strange sounds, someones fighting for his phone.
- Linn? Have you gone crazy? Where did you disappear? C well, its Pauli.
- Me? C I failed to find the answer to this. Too late to think about it. Again I hear the sounds of fighting and someone grabs the phone once again.
- So! All of you, calm down! Ill talk to her! Stop! Sit! Keep silence! C I hear in the phone. Its Eero. I didnt expect this of him. Only then silence appeared around him and he could speak normally. C Linn? Well? And arent you ashamed after all? Why did you disappear, not warning us about anything, turned off your phone, didnt answer the letters, there was nobody at your homeby the way, where are you at the moment?
- Me? C feel like a little child who was brought down and knows his fault. C Actually Im in Saint-Petersburg
- Where? Isnt it in Russia?
- Aha.
- And what are you doing there?
- Hmmrelax
- Clear. Are you gonna come back to us? The tour is at its beginning! How will we work without you?
- Eero! Excuse me for everything but I wont return now. Sorry for having disappeared andand thank you, guys, for everything but I cant back. I cant explain the reason, - tears dont let me continue and I barely hold on.
- I see, - answers Eero in a disappointed voice.
- Eero? Give the phone to Lauri, please.
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
- Linn? Hi! Have you gone insane? What do you mean saying you wont come back? Why? C thats his voice, the voice I go mad about for half a year already, the voice of my best friend and my love.
- Hi Lauri. No, Im not insane. I justIIC love you! No Linn! Shut up! C IIm very exhausted. I wont stand one more tour like that. Excuse me. Tell everyone that I love all of you. Bye!
I turn it off quickly. Not listening to the answer. Tears flow from my eyes, turning into rivers. It was long time ago when I cried for the last time so bad. Sit and watch my phone through tears. I know them good: theyll call me back. Right in 3 minutes my mobile starts yelling annoyingly. Still sit and watch through tears how its jumping on the table. How long will they doing it? It seems that for a long time. Thats enough! I cant go on the same way! Enough! It hurts too much! C I think. The impulse. I stand up, grab the mobile and throw it into the wall with all my strength. Old Nokia collides with the wall and breaks into pieces. Thats it. I crawl down to my knees, drop my head onto my palms and weep loudly. Kath finds me in the same condition after half an hour. In the end of my whole story, interrupted by my tears and sobbing, Kath gives me something soothing and puts me in bed. Next day I decide to go walking again. This time I was accompanied by the block of the cigs and the player with The Rasmus CD. This sweet voice. So close. So close and far at the same time. Since that day I constantly carried my player everywhere I went. And Kath came home in the evening, then looked at me weird way and gave me different pieces of advice like for example to visit a psychologist (Youre too nervous last days, why not ask the doctors help), to have fun in a night club (this time I agreed but when there was The Rasmus song threw myself away from there like crazy and with tears my eyes were full of), to get acquainted with her very good friend ( Hes also a dark-haired guy with green eyes, you must like him). As a result I started to ignore me sister silently. I settled myself in a tiny world of mine where were only me, my favorite city, my cig, the voice of my lover in my ears and all my love.
About two weeks have passed so far. I realized myself that I began to go crazy slowly. Once having come home earlier than usually, I was sitting in my room and spinning the razor thoughtfully with my favorite CD on. Who needs you? C asked my inner voice. And what is weird, I couldnt find the answer to this question. I lead this small sharp blade through my fingers carefully, trying not to get a wound. You think, he needs you? Ha! Linn! Wake up! Hes a rare playboy and cannot love appropriately. Do you remember your first met? He was just attracted to your pretty face, thats it! And then he felt sorry for you and became your friend, C again my inner voice. It seems that Ive got paranoia. Chill runs down my spine, I take a look around. Pull down my headphones. Watch the razor in my hand. No, this story wont end up so easily. You will live, Linn. And youll get over all of this. C I say to myself and move to the kitchen where the razor flies into the dustbin and there are already a cig and a cup of tea in my hands.
One morning (it was 3 days after that evening with the razor) when Kath had weekends and was still sleeping, I sat down against the mirror and was terrified: it was a completely strange person sitting opposite to me. The same big beautiful eyes but absolutely faded and empty. Absolutely pale skin (Id never been swarthy, but I was not so pale, that seemed to be ill). Long black hair, longer than shoulders already, all in a total mess, and way dim. And what has happened to my body? Where are these edges from? Ive always had a nice constitution of body but now it seemed to disappear somewhere. And I lost waist too visibly (right as I changed food to cigarettes). I havent put any make-up on for a month and a half. Is it me? The person who hadnt leave her bedroom without any make-up on since 14 years old, the person who decided to dedicate her whole life to perfumery. And my clothes? Its too sporty and looks too loose on me. No, thats not me. No, Linn. It is you. It is the thing youve become. Something youve turned yourself into. And its all because of your stupid love, - started my inner voice. Thats all. It wont last the same way any longer. Its time to build the new life. The first thing I do is run to Kath to wake her up.
- Kathie? Come on! Get up!
- Hmmmwhat happened? C Kath gazed at me with fear.
- Nothing! I returned! Old Linn came back. Well, not old, changed a little, but its me! C I laughed cheerfully. C And now get up, dress up, were going shopping!
- What for? C Kath sits on her bed, looking at me like if I was out of my mind.
- Dont you know what for? I need the new wardrobe and hair-style! And perfumery! And the phone!
- Oh! Now I recognize old Linn! Youre welcome back, sis! C Kath slew from her bed and hung up on my neck (or was it me who hung on her? Taking my height in consideration).
So we spent 2 days in a row shopping. I changed my style totally: trousers and jeans of great quantity changed for skirts of different length, shirts turned into sexy tops and blouses, sneakers and boots turned into shoes, boots with high heels, I changed jacket for long black leather coat (in fact, almost all clothes Ive bought was black and made of leather mostly). My head was now decorated with short funny hair-dress (crew-cut, very short), colored into dark blue. Pale colors and lipsticks left their places for visible bright and dark colors and lipsticks. Rucksack changed for several womanly bags. A new cool mobile phone appeared (I bought specially the one which cant be easily broken). And at home I threw my cigs in the dustbin. I decided to give up smoking.
- Wooooow! Linn! You look fantastic! C said Kath, when saw me for the first time with the new look.
- Oh yes. Ive become more like you, - blink at her.
- No, darling! You found your own bright style! And it suits you very well!
- Thank you, - I said examining myself like a critic in the mirror. C Well, in whole, not bad. Unusual but not that bad. So I can use my old clothes while at home.
- By the way, as for the home: will you move to Petersburg finally or will you return to Helsinki?
- Ill be back to Helsinki. I called my agent; they found a flat for me in my favorite area, one-roomed loose flat, normal kitchen and high refund for the committed exchange. I leave in a week, so Ill be right in time with all necessary papers prepared so that I could move there within a week. And The Rasmus will be already in Italy by that moment, it means I wont have any chance to come across with them.
- Oh! I see youve caught everything already! A good girl! Did you learn it from me? C Kath smiled funnily.
- Of course! C I blink at her.
- And what about the job?
- Oh, this isnt caught still, but I will find a way out
So, in a week I was already in Helsinki and in 3 weeks my new flat had been furnished and moved there. Only one thing was left to think over: to find a job. Hmmmand what should I do? I dont want to go to some saloon, thats boring, - I think holding a cup of my favorite tea in my hands (I gave up smoking though it wasnt easy, anyway Ive done it).
Think of all possible variants. Oh! Exactly! Mike! C I grab my note book and search for the necessary number. A memory rises up in my head: about half a year ago the guys were invited to the talk-show on the local well-known musical TV-channel. Of course, I was there with them. There I got acquainted with Mike, a funny red-haired hot-tempered man of the middle age, who turned out to be the producer of that talk-show. He was very much surprised to know that The Rasmus have their own stylist and what is more, that pretty and charming. He didnt make any steps away from me all the time we were there. And said to me before the goodbye: If you leave them one day, call me, we need such professionals as you. I promise C youll like working here.
So I called Mike. If I say he was glad to hear me, I will not say anything. He just showered me with complements and invited me for a dinner. I rejected his proposal of the dinner, I said I had a very jealous groom (I had to use lies for my own safety). Mike was disappointed, but kept his promise: in a week Ive already begun working at the TV-studio on screening of the talk-show. But to tell the truth, I had to make Mike swear that nobody who is connected to The Rasmus will find out about it.
All alone in need of some assistance.
New job provided me with new friends and cheerful noisy company. Weve become good friends in a couple of months. And I liked the job itself: I was responsible for the make-up of TV-interviewers and of some stars that appeared in our show (big stars usually arrived with their own stylists). All in all, I was satisfied with my life. Anyway it seemed so to everyone. In the public eye I was actually shining, but every time I stayed at home, alone with myself, pulled my casual jeans and T-shirt, and I became the same Linn who was in Petersburg again. My life hasnt left me and pain wasnt going to fade away. But I had to cope and live with it. I knew it would be better then. Better for everybody.
In the end it was March. The air was as cold as before but it contained essential aromas of upcoming spring. And the sun is shining as in spring already. Today it is Saturday. The weekend. And my private day (in all other days I often went to hang around with the guys from the studio after the work and on weekends I also went somewhere with them, but Saturday was my taboo: everyone knew Saturday was only my day). Saturday always I came to the centre of Helsinki. Its become already my tradition. I spend my private day all alone and always walk in the center. This day wasnt an exception. Im in the company of myself only, alone with my love and my pain.
The sun is shining brightly outside, but still the frost is felt well through. Im in a long black leather coat, black boots with high heels, long black shirt, black blouse, black bag is hanging over my shoulder, Im wearing knitted black cap on my head (I picked up this habit from Lauri. And the first such a cap I stole from him. By the way, I seem to have this cap of his at the moment) and sun-protecting glasses, Ive got a make-up of vamp-style on my face, my neck is decorated with silver ankh (its the result of my interest to gothic which slowly became my style).
Feeling of cats scratching my soul. Loudly and awfully. Im walking pointlessly, trying not to think about anything. I seem to be walking like that for 2 hours already and Ive become a little bit frozen.
I stop to look around in hope to find some caf. Aha. Im in one of the main streets. Soooo. There should be a caf somewhere nearly. I look all around through the black glasses I wear.
- Linn? C hear a familiar voice behind my back. I tremble and turn around slowly. Search for the source of this sound with my eyes. At once I notice a familiar hat of khaki-color 5 meters away from me. It is Aki: I sigh patiently. It had to happen one day. I smile.
- Yes. Hi, Aki!
- Liiiiiiiiin!!!!!!! C in a second he appears beside me and hang himself on my neck.
- Akiiiiiii! C I embrace him as an answer. Surprisingly, Im glad to see him. Actually Im glad that I met him and not Lauri. If I saw Lauri at the moment, Id probably just run away.
- I cant believe it is you! C he says, finally setting my neck free. C Wewe thoughtwe didnt know what to think! Come on, tell me everything!
- Lets do so, Ill tell you everything but not here, OK? Im frozen. Lets go into the caf to drink coffee, C I smile.
- Butright now I have to go to the rehearsal actually. UhhIll send it to hell! Ill call now and say I cannot come! Theyll do things without me somehow, - he says taking out his phone.
- Aki? Just dont tell them youve met me, OK?
- Why? C hes already pushed the number and is looking at me with the question in his eyes.
- Just dont tell and thats it!
- Lauri? Hi! Yes, sorry, I cant. Why? C lays his eyes on me, I make begging face. C Well, I met a girl hereWell, you see what I mean. OK. Will you manage to do things without me? Thank you, my friend! See you tomorrow!
He puts the phone back. Again lays his eyes on me. Looks so seriously.
- And now, lets go and youll tell me everything, right?
- Right, - I take his hand and we move towards the nearest caf. Enter it, order coffee. I take off my coat, cap, glasses and sit down in front of Aki. He watches me, not even blinking.
- Aki? Come round! C I click my fingers with long black nails against his eyes, laughing.
- Youyouyouyou look different, - utters he finally.
- Me? - I watch myself. C Well, yes. A little. Im keen on Goth-style.
- Clear, - hes finally come round and remembered who Linn was before, then compared these two looks. Dead silence fills the air for a couple of minutes. Akis still examining my new look and tries to get used to it and Im just chuckling at his reaction.
- Well. Im ready. Now I expect your story, - he lies back onto the chair and watches me with curiosity.
- Story? C I make my eyes look innocent.
- Yes. Tell me. Everything. Why did you escape to Petersburg? Why did you refuse to go on tour with us? Why did you move house? What has happened in the end?
- Well - I look into his eyes.
- Linn? You know that Im your friend! You can trust me! If you want, Ill keep it in a secret. I can hide from the guys that I met you at all. Trust me!
- Ouhhwell. But exactly, dont tell them anything, OK?
- Of course!
And I started my story. Long, detailed story, hiding nothing. And about that night. And about the evening I realized I loved Lauri more than Id love my friends. And about all those months. And about my escape. And about the events in Petersburg. And about my return to Helsinki. I avoided only one thing (actually two things): I didnt say where exactly I moved and told lies that I work as a hair-stylist in the saloon.
- Thats it, - I finished my story all in all. I seemed to be speaking non-stop for about two hours and he was muting during all this time and was listening to me. I look at him with expectation. He darkened way weird. Ive got a feeling that he knows something I dont know. And Im sure: he actually knows it and isnt going to tell me.
- I see. Yes. I didnt expect you, guysI mean you to act like that.
- Well, thats it. I didnt expect myself to act like that. And now I want you to tell me how you are, guys? Hows Lauri? Hows Pauli? Hows Eero? Hows his wife? And how are you personally? How did concerts go? C I gazed at him impatiently. In fact I could learn all of this earlier (in the I-net and I also had some contacts at the place of my work) but I didnt try to find out anything so that not to open my wound once again.
- Im alright. As usually Im the same cheerful and lovely man, - laughs. C Paulis still dating that girl. They seem to love each other for real. Eero has finally become a father. Gigs went fantastic way, but were extremely tired.
- And hows Lauri? C I should know it if we met all in all.
- Heyou know, he was very disappointed when youd left us. Better to say, he was wrecked by this news. We were close even to canceling the tour. Now he seems to become conscious. In fact, all of us were that frustrated after that. Wed been looking for you. Why was your phone constantly off?
- ItI broke it. And then I bought a new one and changed my number. You see I needed to stay away from you. I had to get over it all alone.
- I see
- Well. I have to go home. Tomorrow Ive got a lot to do, - I begin to pick up my stuff.
- Linn? Maybe youll leave some of your coordinates to me, will you? I promise not to tell anyone about all this. Just give me you phone number. Ill call you from time to time. Are we friends? C looks at me with hope.
- Of course, friends, - I smile. C Write it downbut do not tell the rest of the guys a word!
I take my stuff, kiss Aki in his cheek as a goodbye and fly to the street. Im already at home in an hour. Weird, this met didnt make my wounds open. Im even glad that someone told me whats up with themalthough its strange, of course, what he said about Lauributdont know

Lets pretend that the end is not coming yet.
A month has passed. Aki called me once a week and we chatted for ages. He told me what was going with them and I told lies about my work. In two weeks the new tour will begin. And today at my work I found out that theyll be in our show all together in a week. My first decision was to take a sick-list. And then I thought it over and understood that it is my destiny and I cant run away from it constantly. Thats why Id been preparing to this date for the whole weekmore mentally than physically (the only physical preparation was a visit to the hair-dresser to shorten my hair and to die it into darker color).
This day has finally come. Today I see them. Im standing in the make-up room, waiting for them. I take a glimpse of myself in a mirror: crew-cut lays in a beautiful way, dark colors underline my eyes good, red lipstick makes my eyes more visible and underlines my lips, beautiful black blouse with V-kind of dcollet, silver ankh with leather cord is hanging on my neck, loose black leather skirt lower than knees, black high boots with huge heels, long black nails. I look fantastic. I hear the door opened behind my back, and a noisy company break in the big make-up room. I turn to them slowly and smile.
- Hi guys!
They stand and look at me with their mouth open. Lauris stepping back strangely towards the exit.
- Guys? Is everything alright? Lauri? Where are you going?
- Me? Nnnnowhere, - throws Lauri and stops.
- Linn! Hi! C Aki is the first who comes round and embraces me next second. C You said youre working in a saloon? C he says, tearing himself away from me.
- WellI lied a little bit. Ive been working here for almost three months already.
- Linn! C Pauli and Eero pull themselves together in the end and in a second they embrace me too.
- You look wonderful! C Eero watches me, nodding his head with satisfaction.
- Thanks. Guys! I missed you so much! Sorry for my leaving that day! C I look at each of them. Pauli, Eero and Aki are standing next to me and Lauri is still at the door, watches me with wonder.
- Oh well. The main thing is that you are found finally! We had been so worried! C Pauli and Eero mutter, interrupting each other. Akis keeping silence, embarrassed. Eero lays his unsatisfied eyes on Aki. C And why are you muting?
- WellIactually, I contact her already for a month
While they discuss it, I walk away from them and move to Lauri.
- Hi, - I smile and step towards him.
- Hi, - he looks at me weird. C I do not believe it is you
- Wellits me, - I smile, looking into his eyes. I love him so much. I can feel small, but strong wings on my back. How much I missed his eyes! How much I missed himself! I dont believe I could act like that.
- Yes, - he observes me from head to feet. C It suits you! C he comes round finally, comes to me, gives me a hug and a slight kiss in a cheek. His kiss is burning on my cheek, heads spinning. Feel others watching us with glad smiles.
- What? What do these smiles mean? C look at them furiously.
- Ha! Youre definitely still the same! C they say in chore.
- And why did I have to change?
- By the way, maybe youll tell us what had happened? C Lauri tells me quietly in my ear.
- I will, but not now, - answer him quietly. Then go out to all of them, - OK! So! We have 15 minutes to get ready!
I put make-up on Aki, Pauli and Eero. They interrupt each other, questioning me and telling how they spent this time. Only Lauri stays away a little, his back to the wall, watches every my move thoughtfully and says nothing. I feel discomfort due to it, dont know why. After all its time to put on Lauris make-up.
- So what? Are you going to stay there for ages? Or will you be that grateful to present in this arm-chair? C I turn to him with smile. The others react by loud laughter.
- And its true that you havent changed, - he laughs and sits down in the arm-chair. While my putting his make-up, hes gazing at me, looking into my eyes. Hey, whats going on? Finally theyre called to the arena. I sigh with the relief and follow them. I must be on the arena during the shooting so that to be in time to correct drawbacks of the make-up during the breaks. In 2 hours nearly I sit with them in the same room again and we share jokes.
- Well, I have to go home, - says Eero.
- Yes, I also have to, - pronounce in chore Pauli and Aki. Lauri is muting.
- OK. Come on, Ill accompany you to the street, - I say. Everybody gather, I put on my coat and take my bag. We go out of the make-up room and leave through the rare entrance. Stop to say goodbye.
- Bye bye, guys! I was very glad to see you! If you want, just call me, Aki has my phone number, - I smile to them. Lauri stands next to me, very close. Keep silence.
- Yes! Do not disappear any more like that, OK? C they say.
- I wont, - I smile.
- Well! Bye Linn! See you! C they come to me one by one and kiss my cheek. Lauris still standing beside me and doesnt say a word.
- Lauri? Will you go? C Eero asks Lauri.
- Me? No, - takes my hand. C I have to talk to Linn.
- Well, then bye! C they smile so strangely and go away. And we keep on standing, hand in hand.
- I will never let you go, - says Lauri, holding my palm tighter. C We should talk about a lot of things.
- Ouhh- I sigh deep. C Youre right. Lets go, - I utter, pulling him with me.
- Where are you going?
- Well, you said we had to talk and Im not gonna talk in the street. Its not summer yet. I live not far from here, lets go to my home, - say I, smiling.
- Good.
We had been muting all the way long. He was still holding my hand tight. And I didnt try to set it free. I was just staying at my feet. I was happy just to be next to him, to feel hes holding my hand, to feel he needs me. In about 20 minutes we were at my home. Having just entered the house and assured himself I wont escape, he finally let my hand out.
- Go to the room. Would you like wine? C I asked disappearing in the kitchen.
- Yes, I would. And it is cozy at yours. Better than in that flat, - I heard the voice from the room.
- Thank you, - I said, coming back to the room with the bottle of red wine a pair of glasses. Oouh, its going to be not an easy sort of conversation, - I thought with sadness, taking the ashtray from the cupboard and putting it onto the table next to the glasses. I set down on the sofa and poured wine into the glasses. Lauri set down beside me and look out cigarettes. It was easy to see hes nervous too. He lighted it up and gave me pack.
- No, thanks. I gave up, - I said and picked up my glass of wine. He looked at me, wondering, but said nothing. And I silence. Weve spent probably more than an hour, simply sitting, muting, drinking wine and looking into each others eyes. It was a sort of eye-conversation. It started to darken in the room. I stood up muting, took some candles and put them on the table, he burned them up muting and I left for the kitchen to take another bottle. This time I came back with 2 bottles, for any case. I set down on the sofa and offered him one of the bottles. He opened it, saying nothing, poured wine into the glass and gave me one.
- So? Come on, tell me, - he broke the silence first in the end.
- What should I tell you?
- Tell me everything.
- Do you really want it?
- Yes.
- OK, - and I started my long, detailed story.
I told him everything with the smallest particularities. Even the part where I was sitting in Petersburg and spinning the razor in my hand for a long time. And how I was weeping, having thrown my phone into the wall. And how I was crying long nights into the pillow while on tour. And how hard it was to return here. I dont know how much time it took. Obviously, several hours, but it was already total darkness outside and we dried one of the bottles. Lauri has kept silence all this time and looked into my eyes, in fact, he tried to look into them cause I lead my view away stubbornly.
- Well, now you know everything, - I said and took the second bottle of wine. After this confession I felt the urge to get drunk and to forget all of this like a nightmare. I turned to him and gave him the bottle. This time our eyes met. Whats that? His eyes are burning again. Whats inside them? A mixture of sadness and happiness. I gave him the bottle and settled my hand off quickly. I put my legs together on the arm-chair and embraced my knees. I stared right in front of myself. Im afraid to find out what hes going to say now. But he seems not to hurry up with telling something. He pours the wine one more time, gives me the glass. So, tell me something! C I beg him in my soul.
- You know what, Linn?
- What? C not turning to him, I ask.
- Lets
-stay friends? C I continue his phrase.
- No. Letsget married? C he asks. Chill runs down my spine, I put my feet on the floor, put the glass on the table and only then turn to him. Look into his eyes:
- Lauri! Stop joking! Thats not funny!
- And Im not joking, - says absolutely seriously, then smiles softly. C Stupid you, Linn! Havent you yet understood that I love you?
I look into his eyes: he isnt kidding. I see it. Smile leaves his face and he goes on with absolutely serious face:
- I fell in love with you at the moment I saw you for the first time. I know it sounds banal but it was love at first sight. And even the first love of mine. You know that I hadnt yet been in love for real. And I fell in love with you. The moment I saw you there in the streetwell, actually, in the snow. I realized at once that we collided not in vain. Probably, it is the destiny. And thenI saw that you think of me as of your friend only. And I coped with my role. I loved you and for you I was just a friend. It was very painful. And thenthat nightI was hoping for the first time that you felt something for me, but the words you said in the morningit was like a knife an my heart. That morning I coped up actually that I can be only your friend. I kept my feelings inside. And when you disappeared that wayit was a stroke for me. I was totally frustrated. You can ask guys: I was going to abolish the whole tour. But they made me come round. And work. I couldnt let them down as well as our fans. When we came back to Helsinki I started searching for youbetter to say, we started. Yes, guys know everything about it. They know everything since the very beginning. You cannot imagine what I felt when we hadnt found you, - a tear ran down his cheek slowly.
- Wellnow that you found meby accident, - I touch him with my hand and wipe away his tear. He catches my hand and kisses my palm.
- Yes. Found. And now I wont set you free.
- And I wont set you free, - I smile.
Then wed been talking, kissing each other, laughing and crying together half a night. In the morning I woke up on his shoulder. No, that night there was no sex between us. And we woke up on the same sofa, where wed been talking, in the same clothes. When I opened my eyes in the morning and understood that all of this wasnt a dreamI felt happy. Really happy

Its like magic has come between us
And then things went on rolling like a carousel. We havent left each other during the whole week, I took a sick-list at work and appeared at all his rehearsals together with him (other guys were very glad to see us reunited again). He slept in my house. And then they had to leave for 2 weeks. I didnt want to say goodbye to them. As well as he didnt want to part with me. The day they departed he came across me in the morning (he spent that night at home, packing his stuff). I hung over his neck at once.
- I dont wanna let you go, - I said in a thrilled voice.
- I also dont wanna let you go, - he said. Then he took our hug off and took a paper from his pocket with a smile. In fact, several papers.
- Whats that? C I asked.
- A ticket for a plane. And a new contract, - smile Lauri as an answer. C You fly with us. I agreed with Mike. And Martin made this contract. You just need to sign it. And pick up your stuff, the plane will set off in 3 hours.
I looked at him first in shok, then papers. Lauri watched me expecting my reaction. Then took my hand, lead to the kitchen, put me on the chair, laid the contract and a pan in front of me.
- Well, read this, sign, come round and Ill pack your stuff myself, - he laughed, kissed my forehead and hid inside the room. I was still taken aback and signed the contract, not even reading it. In 15 minutes nearly Lauri entered the kitchen again:
- Signed? Youre magic! And now lets go! I packed your stuff. I hope I hadnt forgotten anything. Well, if I did, well buy it on the road, - he laughed again. C Linn? Wake up!
- Im OK. Thank you, - I smiled and come to him. C I love you.
- I love you too, - he kisses me.
- By the way. Where are we flying to?
- Youll see, - he smiled. C And now lets go faster as were getting late.
We flew to France that time. They gave several gigs there. We celebrated our birthdays with Lauri. Then we found ourselves in Great Britain. There they also had some gigs and interviews. I dived again into the forgotten strange atmosphere of The Rasmus concert tour. In two weeks we came back to Helsinki. The next day after our returning I moved to Lauris house. Better to say, it was Lauri as always who moved me to his house though I protested a little bit. I had to obey and follow my stuffs direction. We settled there. He didnt say a word still about the marriage.
May passed in some sweet happy euphoria. Lauri and I havent left another one for days. Again I was beside them at all the rehearsals, recordings, parties. The way Eero, Aki and Pauli looked at us cannot be described by words. They were happy to see our happiness or they were just happy together with us. But frankly, their faces made me laugh most of all. At the end of May we settled off in a tour again. Spain, Holland and a couple of big festivals in Germany expected us. Spain and Holland passed invisibly. But German festivals Ill remember all my life.
The first of them took place two days ago. A fantastic show, great number of stars and my guys are on top as usual. Today is the second festival. From the very morning I feel some weird euphoria. Today Im going to see some of my idols. Im thrilled a bit. Weird. This year Im already used to seeing different stars and I never excited. And today I am excited. Some strange anticipating. A little incomprehensible to me. Were already behind-the-scenes. Guys are to be on stage in an hour.
Administrators look at me way weird. Or does it only seem to me? Probably not as they watch me actually in an unusual manner. And everybodys smiling at me. And the guys behave a little bit weird.
- Whats going on? C I lead Lauri to the side.
- Nothing. And whats wrong? C answered he innocently.
- You behave somehow strangely. And whats happened to all people? Why are they smiling at me like that? It doesnt look like them, - I said. Actually it doesnt look like them. Enormous festival, hundreds of people. Admins and all the participants of the show usually act absolutely different in such a situation (theyre nervous and quarrel a lot and today theyre way too polite, calm and smiling).
- Hey, everythings normal. Calm down, - Lauri smiled, kissed me in the forehead. C And the reason they smile is your splendid look!
I pretended to believe his words and let him go. Finally it was the time they had to go to the stage. We embraced quickly and they went to the stage, and I was standing in the corner as usual and started observing them. Music, bright light, crowd of yelling fans. Streams of energy. Everything is already usual to me but still strikes me. They sang several songs. Then started In the Shadows. The crowd continued going mad. Lauri reached the support for the mic, hang his mic on it and made the sign for the crowd to calm down. He wanted to tell them something. I turned into stone.
- I would like to dedicate this song to one wonderful girl, - he said. I obviously stopped breathing. The guys began to play the first accords of Not Like The Other Girls. My knees started shivering. I watched him misunderstood. He smiled. Then he took my hand, muting and led me with him to the stage. The crowd yelled two times louder. He led me towards the support, took the mic, turned to me and sang:
-No more blame I am destined to keep you sane...
During the whole song we were standing against each other, he was holding my hand while singing. Tears of happiness silently ran down my cheeks. Several thousands of people, some TV-cameras and about 20 photo cameras were watching us. But I wasnt able to see anything around me. Only the green eyes of my love. And could hear only his voice. The song text had been finished and now only the last guitar part was left. Lauri embraced me. I drowned in these hugs and in my happiness. The music stopped. Lauri set his hands free. Then he turned towards the crowd and started speaking:
- Guys! I want to introduce Linda to you. This is the girl I love, - the crowd screamed tremendously. C You know, I love her so much. And right here and right now Id like you to support me a little bit. Im kind of nervous. Will you support me? C again the tremendous applause came out of the crowd. Lauri turned to me again. I watched him with misunderstood again. He smiled in a charming way and took out a small velvet box from his pocket. He opened it. There turned out to be a wedding ring made of white gold with little black diamond (he knows how keen I am on the black).
- Linn? Will you become my wife? C asked he. I laid my eyes first on the ring with incomprehension, then on his eyes and then on the crowd. It was numb, expecting the ending of this unexpected show.
- What? Say it again, please, - said Lauri bringing the mic to my lips.
- Yes. Yes! Yes!!! C said I already in a microphone, beginning to scream. The crowd again started to produce noisiest yells. With tears in my eyes I hung on Lauris neck. Behind our backs there began to come out first accords of First Day of My Life. Lauri set himself free again, quickly put the wedding ring on my finger and go on to sing. He held my hand during the whole song. When the song was almost over, he led me behind-the-scenes and let me go. I quickly disappeared behind-the-scenes. Thats why all of them looked at me like that, now I realized. At once heaps of congratulations followed me. The guys finished playing First Day of My Life, bent their heads and left the stage. Eero was the first to hang on my neck, then Aki, then Pauli. And only then Lauri did. My condition was close to fainting. This shock and this happiness were difficult to describe by words. Probably, theres no point in trying to do this. The next day all musical and not only musical newspapers and magazines have written about that festival and Lauris actions. I found it quite funny to see our photos on its covers.
In a month weve got married. It was hot July outside. I insisted on our weddings being organized in Saint-Petersburg. We invited only our closest people. Frankly speaking, there were only Martin, Aki, Pauli with his bride, Eero with his wife, Hanna (Lauris sister) and of course Katherine. The wedding went in classical Russian style (it was also me who insisted on it, anyway, he didnt protest very much), with the beautiful palace of weddings, white brides dress, witnesses, restaurant, trip in the city and setting white pigeons free at the monument to Medniy Vsadnik. It is typical for Russians but exotic for Finns (they had been recollecting this event for a long time then). In general, the wedding day produced enormous number of memories and heaps of photos in the album).
Usually all fairy tales end with the wedding. But theres always a question: what was next? What was after the wedding? Ill answer this question. Next there was life. Simply life. Since the moment of our wedding 10 years have already passed. I can tell you what has happened all this time:
From the very first days were hard enough for me. It was hard to get used to the fact people examined our personal life so much. I should be thankful to Lauri as he defended our private life as good as he could. He didnt say anything unsolicited in any of the interviews. And what is more, I found it difficult to get used to those fans who treated me quite unfriendly. When we were at home, they constantly called, tried to threaten me, the whole է֧٧ of our house was full of written threats. These crazy ones said Id stolen him from them. Lauri found the way out and in the end we moved a small cottage on the countryside of the city. I continued working as their stylist. We traveled on tour through the whole world. I got used to such life slowly. I loved Lauri and was ready to go through many things for him. Katherine consequently moved to Helsinki as well. In a year after our wedding we celebrated Paulis marriage. One year after we celebrated Akis marriagehe got married with Katherine. So I can tell that Akis become my brother. However weve always been one big family. 3 years after, our wedding The Rasmus had to search for another stylist. I took time to become a mother as well as other wives. I bore the boy whom we named Dexter (Lauris been always dreaming of such a name for his first child).
So 9 years have passed since the day of our wedding. What happened for this time? The guys have released 3 new albums. Theyve been on 3 huge tours all over the world. The world is still on its knees for them, waiting for the new album to come up. They work a lot, but as all of the four are now family people, they work a little bit less than 10 years ago and spent more time with their homies. Our Dexter started his first year at school. Our second baby, Mila (shes 5) went to the musical school this year (we decided that maybe she could continue her fathers job in the future). Katherine and Aki made twins (boys of the same age to Milas). Lifes going on and flows slowly as it should. I wouldnt say that this life is that careless (were not doing without quarrels and misunderstandings), but Im happy. Me and Lauri loves each other, it is the most important thing.
The end.
To the reader: I know you may think that it is just one more fairy tale with damn sweet end. Yes, it is. But I do believe in fairy tales. I do believe in true love and do believe in happiness. And I believe that such story could take lace in reality. Try to believe in it too. Good luck, love and happiness to you!
The author - Infernal Angel (Maria V.).
February-March 2004.

The translation of the text - Tatyana Vinichenko.
August-September 2004.

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  13.10.2013 21:49