Books, love, tears

I am sitting here crying because of a guy. How many times have I done that? I have lost count. I do know that every time there is a reason why I cry. When I was dating Al, I cried when he was leaving to go back home, because he was from a city 3 hours away from where I lived & we had a long distance relationship for over than 6 months. I cried when I was leaving him & he cried when I was going to a different country, it was a very teary day. Then I stopped crying about him, after he made me cry because of how jealous he was of me. That time I cried because he didn’t trust me. That was the last time I cried about him.
With Sam things were different. I cried first when he told me he loved me. It was a very precious moment; I treasure it in my memory. Sam was special, I still love him, as a friend. Sam is special, but I might have made him cry when I told him I preferred another guy over him.
In high school when I broke up with my very first boyfriend I cried for about 40 minutes. We didn’t have a class, my friend & I went to a  neighborhood mall, I cried there & then got over him.
I cried when Brian broke up with me. But I was about to go on my very first international trip & got over him pretty soon too. He emailed me in about 4 months, wanted to start things over, he did, I didn’t. I don’t think he cried.
Today I finished painting bookshelves that my grandpa has made over the summer while I was gone. Those shelves were an ugly brown, I like wearing brown, but it’s not my favorite color for the furniture or the house in general. I painted the shelves white. The side that’s facing the room has the word LOVE written on the very top. I went to Philadelphia last summer; those of you who’ve been there know that there is a LOVE park there. My LOVE word totally copies the LOVE monument in the LOVE Park. There are also about 30 hearts of different shapes glued to the shelf. It cost me having super glue on my fingers for a whole day – not the best feeling in the world! Today I screwed it into the wall. Put books & DVDs, a basket with magazines underneath. It looks great, fits my room perfect, and provides space for all of my stuff. There is still room left! I am amazed.
I also talked to Mitch today, Mitch is my husband, we got married at a summer camp, the whole thing was a joke, but it grew into something bigger. I am not sure what will come out of it, but I must admit I cried because of something he has done. Last night I was hoping to talk to him, he was on line, mornings & nights are the only time when we get to talk on the phone or the messenger. Yesterday he didn’t answer my messages or phone calls. When things like that happen I start thinking – he must have found another girl, I am out of the picture again. I don’t know why I do that. Yes I am materialistic & possessive, I thought I wasn’t, but I am, just got a proof of that. Mitch brought a girl over to his house, some friend of his, who I obviously haven’t met, and who got herself in trouble by going to a party where people started doing drugs. She didn’t know any of them. So she called Mitch & asked him to come get her. He did, and then she stayed overnight & went to church with him this morning & then drove home. Mitch referred to everything what’s happened as “I saved someone today”. I cried. Was it because I realized that I wasn’t the only girl in his life? Was it because I was happy that I got such a nice, caring guy? What was wrong with me? We aren’t even dating? Did I just screw up our relationship? Mitch is a psychology major. He is gonna know it’s jealousy. The good thing was that I told him about that. I could’ve held it in me. He told me that I didn’t have to worry & that he was all about me. He says I am the most beautiful Russian he could’ve met. He kept asking himself how he got that lucky? Meaning how lucky he is that he’s got me. He treats me like a queen. I know I don’t want to share him with anyone. He also said he was pissed about not getting to talk to me. I guess I am at the stage of checking all what he says & deciding whether I really trust him or not? I told him I did. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…….
Mitch is learning about me, about the real me now, which is not a perfect time to do that, because we are separated by many thousands of miles. I wish we were together, I guess I wouldn’t have cried then. But there is a time to do everything – cry & laugh, Mitch can make me do both, it’s a proven fact. Me crying at the JFK International airport after talking to him doesn’t really count. I was crying because I didn’t want to go home. Yes Mitch was a part of that, but now I cried because of Mitch, just Mitch… I am ready for anything now. Though there are some things I don’t want to happen. One thing I know – I want to be with Mitch.

P.S. Today I found out that I shouldn’t have cried.
        A few months later we broke up.
A month later after the break up he wanted me to give him another      chance. I never did. He still has the ring he bought me.