The Cost of Peace

We were living together. At first I was counting: 2 days passed, a week passed, two months passed, three years and 6 months passed, but than I suddenly stopped counting. I understood that I can’t run away from her. She will always follow me; she will pursue me like a bloodhound. She could easily do it. She was taught not to take her eyes off me.

We were living in a small apartment at the outskirts of our town. She captured all the space. Her smell, her voice, her shadow – she was everywhere. I even couldn’t hide from her in my room. She was there. Her stuff was all over the apartment. Even my clothes permeated with the smell of her perfume, her sweat, her unique disgusting smell. There were fashion magazines in my room. I tried to burn them, but she always stopped me. She always stopped me. It looked as if I had a bug on me, which told her where I was and what I was doing.

That drove me crazy. I couldn’t make a single step without her fallowing me. She walked me to school, met me after classes, went shopping and to cafes, visited museums with me; she followed me everywhere I went. She was really everywhere, it seemed that the whole city was captured by her. It seemed that she turned herself into streets, building, blocks of flats, shops, passers-by. I saw her face everywhere, felt her presence, felt her eyes on my back, but every single time I’ve turn around she hided, she did it really good, she was a pro. She merged with the crowd, and it was really hard to identify her. But I knew she was there, she was following me. Follow my steps. Follow my smell.
I’ve decided to change my perfume. Went shopping and bought new one. And every time I went out I’ve used new perfume just to mess her up. But it didn’t help, she found me again.

God, how to run away from her? What should I do for her to leave me alone? I’ve asked this question for so many times, but the answer was silence. God was with her. And I hated him for that. He turned away from me, he, who should help everyone, turned away from the one, who need his help. I was alone. And alone should I fight in this war for my freedom.

And I’ve decided to fight. I would never lay down my arms without final battle. I’ve deiced to talk to her, though I knew that it would lead to nothing. I’ve asked her to my room. It took her long to come, but when she finally entered the room she was wearing that disgusting bright smile on her face.

“Why are you smiling like that?” I’ve asked.

“I’m glad that you decided to talk to me. And I have good news for you. You want to know which?”

“No. I need to talk to you. This is very serious.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“Why are you always following me? Why are you chasing me? You have nothing else to do?”

“I don’t follow you, Dear. It just appears to you like that. Just couple of times we’ve met in the street; and it was absolutely sudden. It just turned out like that. But I never chased you, I know that you’re a good girl and you’ll do nothing bad”

“You really think so?”

“Of cause, Sweetheart. Come, let me hug you.”

I’ve came up to her and she hugged me. And we stayed like that for a while. And than she said.

“You want to know what news I have for you.”

“Sure.”

“I’ve talked to a lawyer and he said that soon we could move to a new house. Are you happy?”

“Of cause.”

“Oh, let’s go and celebrate it!”

“Okay!”

“You go and refresh your outfit and I need to go to the neighbour to take my mixer back.”

“Good. I’ll wait for you in the living-room.”

She went out of my room. When I went to the living-room she wasn’t there. I thought she just didn’t return from the neighbour. I set into the armchair and waited, but she didn’t come. I waited for long. Than I got really bored. I got angry with her and went out. I didn’t know where I was going, and was just going, and going, and going. And again she was everywhere. And again her smell, her voice, her eyes, her breathing chased me. I couldn’t run away! I was running, and running, but she was chasing me! I was shouting at her, I’ve begged her to stop doing that! I shouted that it drives me mad! But she seemed not to hear me. She was just ignoring me. How I hate her!!!

She came down a little bit by the evening. She stopped chasing me and I’ve return home. Only in the silence of the night I could breathe calmly. She was resting too. Only during the night I could rest from her a little. In the night even her smell disappeared. It didn’t cover me any more. I could feel myself free. I could even smell the outside world.

But as night passed the agony started all over again. Again I had run from her. But you can’t run away from her. You can’t hide. But I must get rid of her; either I wouldn’t live any longer. I have no power left for fighting. She sucked all strength out of me. She wants to drink me up to bottom. She wants to kill me.

That thought knocked me down with a feather. She wants to kill me. It turns out that all her kindness, all her smiles and endearment was just a sham. How could she do that to me? If she hates me, than why didn’t she just let me go? Why she can’t let me live the way I want? She must get satisfaction from torturing me.

No. I won’t leave it like this. I won’t let her drive me crazy. I won’t even let her try to do it any more.

And she did. She started to do her old tricks. She started her chase. That day she was completely insane. She was like she never had been. She even didn’t try to hide! She just followed me. She just stopped noticing me, as if I didn’t exist. I was begging her to leave me alone, but my begging was nothing to her. She continued.

And that was a last stroke on my back. I came home earlier than usual. Took a knife, and started waiting for her. But she just felt something bad, and so she was hiding. She was waiting that I’ll fall asleep, but I was sitting with eyes open wide.

And than the door bell rang. I came up to the door, looked into the spyhole, and saw her standing there and smiling. How I hate her smile! I’ve opened the door and hit with a knife right into the heart. I was hitting and hitting...

And afterwards was silence. Silence covered me with her dark gown. I didn’t feel time passing. It just didn’t exist at all. Peace came. I was alone. She went forever, I finally won. She’ll never return...

April 20, 1997. Anna Houword inflicted 20 stab wounds incompatible with life in the heart area of Miss Penelope Chevares. Miss Chaevares was a postman in the district where Miss Houword was living. Miss Chevares wasn’t in any relations with Miss Houword. She was called insane and was put into the mental hospital at St. Magdalene church for uncertain period of time. Soon she committed a suicide. The case was closed.