Reasons for distraction

I have never really wanted kids. You may call me a liar or a hypocrite, but a big family with five kids different ages, two cats and one dog wasn't my daydream. My point is the level of your life is in inverse ratio to the number of family members. As you have no reasons for distraction than you can focus on what makes you happy.
Arthur was the one who did. I guess it's like the instinct of self-preservation: if he will not leave someone better after himself, he'll have to die knowing the last person in his kin was a sick bastard.
I used to shut him up until I noticed that he starts to skip suppers and family weekends. He told me he visits a fitness club but I'm not that stupid to believe his excuses. Especially when his musculature didn't grow up. The only time I followed him one Sunday, he went to the fitness which means nothing. Nothing to me at least. Besides, later I knew I was right.
When I found out he was cheating on me, I decided to start a “real family” – that's how he used to describe having a child. I was considering his wills and feelings, too. But the first reason of mine was the idea he will break up with that woman. I thought it will work. I really did. The fist time in three years of our marriage Arthur looked happy.
When I realize my mistake it was a little too late. He told me, standing in the threshold with luggage, his daughter is six months old. The other daughter, he meant. Our daughter was five so far.

People keep asking me how did I made Emma eat home meal. I tell them I cook with pleasure and put my soul in every bite. That I once gave her a chance not to, is a part I usually skip.
Did I mention that a family wasn't in my life plan? That means as well that visiting cookery class was the part of working for good certificate and not for being chief. But did my parents understood it? Or my husband, or anyone else? I think you know the answer. Since I was a teenager I had to cook for all-family dinners, which is made all of my aunts and grannies to go “Awww”. If you cannot look after your personal interests than nobody will. So when I had a chance to get back the most part of time that used to be free before I have a child, I couldn't miss it. I told my thirteen years old daughter: either she dines home meal and takes sandwiches to school or has some money to buy food or visit pizza place or McDonald's. With no pocket money in addition to first option, of course. I made my intentions pretty clear, didn't I? Anyway, she did a right choice. She choose the money. Some time later she changed her mind. Then she already had a gastritis.
When you loose something, you get something instead.
Maybe I'm not a perfect mother. At least I respect my child's decisions.
When Arthur propose seeing Emma on weekends, I didn't take the trouble to ask for her opinion. It's not like I hate my ex or something. It's more like I care about her feelings. I mean, what if he does to her the same thing he did to me? What if he tells her he'll love her if she has good marks and she trusts him. What if his current daughter has better marks and he tells to Emma, like, “sorry, baby, but you are not good enough”? It will breaks Emma's heart.

After divorce, my neighbourhood turns it's face to me. I was haughty piece of shit and suddenly become a best-welcomed visitor in every house since I was left alone with daughter on my arms. Whether it is good thing is controversial question. After visiting every house twice, I understood two things. The first one is that people in my neighbourhood either too miserable or too dumb. Over dinner, if you are not discussing cheating, betrays and fails, you're talking about series and recipes. The second – the less I talk the more I welcomed. I cannot let them know how right were they about me previously.
When you loose something, you get something instead. It's not surely a good something.
There is one couple I visit from time to time. She used to be a moderate actress and through the dinner she mostly tells theatrical fables. The same ones. He is Mexican who is sure there is never enough of red pepper. He is the one who cooks, I have to say. I know, they don't seem so tempting, but at least they haven't got any kids. They don't ask parents question I don't know the answers to.

It's not like I don't love my daughter. I do love her more than anyone else. The only trouble is I am not able to love anyone more or with the same straight than myself. I think it is not that bad. You are the most important person in your life.
I give Emma everything she needs to keep her breath circulating but not that much for her to start asking for more.
I remember how she once asked me to help her with cookies for a school fair. It was the first and the only time. She was desperate, I thought. It touched me right into the heart. I felt so regarded that I agreed to help her, but right then I remembered I have an appointment. Later this evening my masseuse said I should have helped Emma if I was ready to miss this magnificent session.
I treat my daughter like an adult person. When I knew she have a sexlife, I didn't lecture, I offered her a pack of condoms. Maybe it's not what usual mothers do, but it is what I wanted for myself when I was a teenager.

I'm glad me and my daughter are not in that confidential type of relationships. You have to understand me. If she would ask my advice on love subject, I'd suggest not to marry a bastard like her father and not to have an unwanted child to hold him. If I would ask her advice, she'd suggest me to piss off. I guess we both are happy enough without crossing this line.

Now, when she is in high-school, we barely see each other. We share one house and never one room. When we meet each other over holiday dinner, the most part of time we spend chewing. Feels like she is a stranger who rent a room in my house. I am totally okay with this. As you have no reasons for distraction than you can focus on what makes you happy.