Suck You Dry

When it gets warmer, the horror begins. I have the panic fear of the insects, and in summer there are in every step.

There are several types of them, I think. The first ones are big and threatening at the first sight. There are bees, wasps and bumble-bees. They fly slowly in all it's grandeur, as they have their own business to mind. You see them and you know that they won't touch you if you act respectfully and carefully. The next group are average insects like flies. They have a loud buzz, they fly rapidly and unsystematically, and you can easily brush them away as they land on you with a sharp move. Also they attack rarely. I myself had never been stung by a fly.

And there is the third group, most deceptive and dangerous. The tiny representatives of it fly as slow as the first ones, giving you the idea of having their own business, but you always know that their business is you. They hide, they bide their time, and when they land on your skin there are no ways left to brush them away, like they are there for settle. The only thing you can do is slap them to death.

There are also bugs and worms, which I try not to think of.

The mosquito are ones I fear the most. In our warm and wet climate there are plenty of them, all starving and thirsted for blood. In addition, I always have this slight temperature which makes me the dearest victim.

With the first mosquito in my room, I'm starting to plunge myself into madness. I can spend all night long standing in the center of my bedroom with lights on, exploring the walls and the ceiling, and listening carefully. When I notice them, I take some book I've never read – and I never will after – and quietly squeeze.

I do everything I can to avoid these problems. I have some devices to poison them as Raid, I have sprays, and I never leave my windows open when it starts to get darker outside, not even in the heat. But, anyways, I'm always tensed. Mosquito have this low high-pitched hideous buzz. Most people say they don't hear it. I can't understand them. I can hear it even through music in my head-phones half asleep deep at night, always ready to wake up and fight.

I lay in the bed with my boyfriend on right side. It's early morning – the room is barely lightened; he is asleep, and I'm awake, waked up by the sound of a buzz. I lay there and I realize there are more than one somewhere around – the buzz sounds like a choir. I kick my boyfriend to make him do something, make him fight my fear or be afraid with me, although I already know what he would say. He would say, “baby – relax”, or “I don't hear anything, it's just your imagination”, or “there's nothing to be afraid of – it's just a tiny thing that maybe will suck tiny drop of your blood. It won't cause to death”, or every of it.

No one respects my fear. No one understand it.

I myself don't understand it. I can not explain the reasons of it. Why am I so afraid? It's not about the idea of my blood being sucked – I know it's not such a waste. It's not about idea of infected mosquito, either. I don't fear any illness it might bring into my system. And it's not about how they look – for me they are just tiny flying T letters. But they are much more. They make me numb. I lay there, in my bed, not moving, with eyes open wide, completely numb.

You have to have keen hearing and sharp sight to get them. I'm training – I paint little dots on the wall, then go to the opposite side of the room and try to see them.

I want to move sometimes, but there's no place without them. I guess the sterilized hermetic cube would fit?

The ceiling of my bedroom is covered with dead mosquito's bodies. I'm going to paint it fresh – it's getting harder to separate the living of the dead.

It's not true that one mosquito hits only ones. I used to calm myself down with this fact until I saw big full-filled one, landing on my arm for desert. I thought, give them enough of time and they will suck you dry.