Being the Heartless. The Diary. Chapter 1

                Person is everything he believes in.
                (Chekhov A)


                There are no answers to good questions
                (unknown)


After the next unsuccessful relationship with a guy i caught myself on the thought that i was thinking about him, about relationships and the situations which had happened and which could  happen if we wouldn't broke up. All the time  i thought that i'm not gonna handle being with him in one room on the next party. Of course, i went shopping before the party to buy a new dress and purse, and may be a new pair of stilettoes. I wanted to be the best, to make him jealous, to show him what amazing lady he let go. But at the same time i understood, that it will be a great torture being next to him and not hugging him. The weird thing is that i thought so, but at the party i felt nothing, no  pain, no wish to return him. I was happy and felt peaceful.
One day after such kind of party i realized the reason... i didn't love any of my boyfriends. I didn't really love.
I just needed to think about smb, i remembered about exboyfriend just when i was alone. When i was hanging up with my girls, at work, on the parties, everywhere i wasn't alone i was over him.
It remembered me the phrase from Rihanna and Eminem's song "That's alright because i love the way it hurts".
Probably i really loved making me suffer.
Next morning i decided to google the meaning of LOVE,and i found a lot of them, i read all of them, and came to the conclusion i love only my mom. When I have already got over the thought that i didn't love ...  i found a very interesting article,  it  said about one of African tribes, which doesn't have any commodity supplies and lives according to the law of the jungle, and has it's own language. The interesting thing i found in this article was "there is NO word LOVE in their language", scientists discussed this topic and came to the conclusion If the tribe, which still lives according to primitive law, doesn't have word 'love' in it's language, it means  there is probably no love at all. If love exists, this tribe would have it.
That was smth new, but i liked the variant. May be all of us can love only our parents and kids... maybe love to parents and kids is not only the real purest love .. may be it's the only feeling we can call LOVE?
After realizing that i'm kind of a masochist, who can not love (OMG, it's terrible, i'm a real beast, heartless bitch), I tried to find another explanation of my behavior. Maybe i'm afraid? Nah... i wasn't afraid ... i had very positive feelings about all my exes..

Well,if love doesn't exist, we can't feel it... but my friend and her fiance are the happiest couple, i've ever seen,  so i put it out of my head.
So what became the origin of thought, that maybe I can't love.
I know smb can say that i don't have the right to judge. I ready don't. But all i wrote here are my thoughts. You can take my side, you can take the opposite one. It's all up to you! And only YOU!