letter, 16

i,m OK  i,m home .... so stop worrying .. i kept telling Erik to write but he,s  so upset and  emotional ... they say  i,m gravaly ill ... maybe   maybe   not  they say i should have  2 transplants... liver and kidney ... maybe so ... i just cannot believe  i,ll die with such  a  whimper ...  i must kill myself ...  i cannot be such an invalid ...  it,s the only proud thing  to do ...  but not  now !! ... i must live ...  i was thinking  with all  those tubes and needls in me  i reflect  on my mortality  and my childhood ... i wonder how i got to this place ... it was  a very lonely and violent  childhood ... i was loved  and my dad was  unknown ... when  i,d go up  north  to be with my mom  it was  the worst ...  my stepfather would  beat her and us kids ...  me and sister ... still laff when we talk  of his  death ... we hated him ...  my mom never ever met  my teacher or ever went to my school when i was  in the early grades ...not  even  on parent,s day ... i  wouldn,t  even  dare  mention it to her ...  sometimes our teacher  would tell us  to watch a certain show on TV  like a speach by president  ... no way .. or if it was your birthday  it was  customary to bring treats for  the whole class  ... like  cupcakes  ...cookies etc... i,d rather skip school than even mention it to mom... i was always the worst  dressed kid ...  so was the sister .. it was even more important for her   .. she was a girl ... in school .. out of school ... on the bus ... on the train ...  she just said  f ... school ... and she went to prison .... i couldn,t see ... and kept hanging  on  ... i..was considered retarted .. i took speech lessons after  school .... ( mom didn,t  know  because i didn,t  have ever be home at any time ... ) ... then i got  glasses !!! ... i was suddenly the smartest  in the  world ...  HA !... by then i was with my real dad ...  he was a mess too ..  but i learned to preserve .. to work .. maybe to keep  busy  and keep  my mind off my family life  ... i was in athletics in school ...  and i would spend  many hours  practicing and playing ..in the band ... i worked at drive  in theatre and weekends  i worked at the iron works too ... in the summer  i worked both jobs every day ... i always got by on my brains ... i,m not  a great thinker  but i was  blessed  and cursed with my brain ...  it,s funny  because  Karen  is the vice president of University .. and i have  been always involved  with  brainy jobs ... but in fact my sister  is much smarter than all of us and she didn,t  even go to school  !! HA!! ... but now my point is this ... i,ve been all over  .. done so many  things ...  and now i must reflect on my life  .. and i think it is this ...in war or otherwise it,s almost impossible  to actually kill someone... bomber pilots have  no problems .. artillery men can fire  with  ease...  but an infantry man has a hard  time pulling the trigger when he  can look in the face of his enemy ..