Life without you

I don't need a life without you anyway.
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She woke up. The fact that today was already next day and yesterday stayed in the past didn’t come easily to her. She was lying in a bed and staring at the ceiling. Dull and plain. No feelings at first, but then memories fled into her brain. Last night…
Her heart hurt. Inside there was something heavy and huge, but then she remembered about some things she must have done. The Plan… It is time to do it. This time doesn’t need her. The pain went down a little bit. She switched on her violet iPod and put on big black earphones.
“Patience now, frustration's in the air
And people who don't care…
Well, it's gonna get you down.
And you'll fall,
Yes, you will hit a wall...”

Yeah, it was when I just came there. Too hard to accept everything and be the part of this foreign society. This song though… it helped me a little bit. It gave hope for overcoming all the difficulties.
 
She ate a plate of cornflakes with milk. They were with honey, but she could barely taste it. Her laptop was switched off and she didn’t want even to take it. Nothing was there… Already nothing.

“Us girls we are so magical -
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable.
Hard to resist,
so touchable.
Too good to deny it.
Ain't no big deal,
it's innocent..”

Ah… so exciting. It was nearly New Year, when I heard it first time. It was almost same time I realized that it is really innocent – to love a girl. There is nothing wrong with it. I immediately fall in love with one – just because it was my nature. She was pretty and we even flirted… In the end nothing happened.
I spent Christmas with Them, not knowing how every part of my heart will be influenced by these two days.

Street. The day seemed to know her mood and it was nearly raining. Dark low clouds were all over the sky. People were around her, but she didn’t notice a one of them. There were almost no leaves on the trees… Dead nature.

“How did we ever get this far
It shouldn’t have to be this hard
Now for the first time in my life I’m crying
Are we in love?”

January. Cold, but snowy… It was so white, so pure. I was absolutely happy, for real. Walking in the morning, listening to my just-bought iPod, thinking about all the things in the world. And it was just the first time I realized who is needed to make my day shine. She was near all that time, but I’ve never considered her as something I need so much.

Bus. Cold bus. It is always so cold in this city, isn’t it? She knew that. Leaving sweet, warm home, her dogs and family, and coming here – in the place where nobody is waiting for her. Well, now – is there any place where someone still waits for her?

“This was an accident, not the kind were sorrow sounds,
Never even noticed were suddenly crumbling.
Tell me how you've never felt delicate or innocent,
Do  you still have doubts that us having faith makes any sense?
You play games I play tricks, girls and girls but you're the one,
Like a game of pick-up sticks played by fucking lunatics…”

It was still cold outside but so warm when you were near. Going to club together and just playing with something was the best part of a day. Leaving you in the school’s yard – the worst part of it. We spent so much time together that I began to feel that you really knew me. We understood each other without any words.
 One day I was amused by your grace at sport games. All the next days I was just amused by you…

Test wasn’t the most appropriate activity for her today. She did it though and then even listened to the teacher’s explanations. That was disturbing and that was blessing. People around mattered nothing, and she believed – it was same the other way.

“Asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere
sebiunouva majabi an de bugui an de
buididipi.
Asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere
sebiunouva majabi an de bugi an de
buididipi.”

Party! It was just perfect, don’t you think? We had so much fun! And… probably it was just my overexcited imagination, but I felt something like sympathy from you too. We were friends, of course, but maybe closer friends than we were before.

“When you have a boyfriend, he will be touching your hand like this”. She closed eyes very tight to erase this vision. Lessons ended and nothing could disturb her from thinking… about a Plan. She decided that it should be very elegant and calm, with no rush or passion. It may take time. She wasn’t in a hurry.
Outside was rain again. Everything was almost in twilight. When she looked up, firstly she saw sky like in there - in the winter. Then she imagined her hometown and same sky but with snow and wind. Wind was here too. Wind and leaves. Way too many yellow, orange and brown leaves on the ground, under her feet.

“J'adore l'amour
Et je veux ton revenge
J'adore l'amour
I don’t wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I don’t wanna be friends
(Caught in a bad romance)!”

It was time we all firstly met him. Fuck my friendliness!!! I introduced you to each other, it was me who he invited to have a walk – why did I need to invite you two?! My mistake, my fatal mistake… Could it ever be worse?

She almost got in the bus. All wet, she was just staring at the window looking at nothing in particularly. Plan was all in her head. She even didn’t realize what was playing on her iPod. Some songs, that meant something – before, but not now.
 
“She, she, she don`t wanna talk about it,
He, he, he wants to fight about,
Me, me, I don`t wanna fight about it,
I just wanna be about it,
I`m just trying to stay about it.
Step out the wagon,
You know the boy starts to hate,
The girl that came with him,
They like that`s not the boy she dates,
They get the fighting and swearing,
And now the boyfriend is staring,
The disco ball on the ceiling,
Looks like the chain that I`m wearing,
But the music keeps playing…”

I warned him. Twice, at least. But that little bastard didn’t listen to me. He pretended to be nice boy, but when I finally got out of there…

She left bus and stood in front of the traffic lights. Plan was almost done. She chose a way how to keep her parents not so upset, friends not so shocked and her own departure not so… painful. It would take a month or a little more – but nobody is in rush, right? She had never rushed to live…

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together!
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life.
When you're with me, baby, the skies'll be blue
For all my life.
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together!”

She hearkened to the song and smiled. It seemed so long time ago she firstly heard it and immediately think about… Her. She posted it in the SNS and tagged Her there. It was so right thing to do that she didn’t even think about it more. It was Their song. Or, better say, it was her association of Her. She just felt that way, all this time.
She walked ahead, across the road, smiling and murmuring “so happy together”…

Headlights.

Screech of brakes.

Stroke.

Dark. Sky.

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together…

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I don’t have a life without you anyway.