Delayed honeymoon

“I’m trying to concentrate here, Ron!”
Lina smiled at Ron’s efforts to draw her attention. She tilted her head under the lamp, trying to find the right picture for the postcard she was making. She still had a habit of trying to put her chestnut hair that wasn’t long anymore behind her ear. She cut it short the day before, something she hadn’t done in years. Bernard always loved her hair long.
Tonight she was looking for a pigeon, and even though her eyes burnt from staring at the computer, she had to finish the work today. But Ron was very persistent, and Lina finally looked at her cat in exasperation.
She picked him up and held him close to her heart. She thought about the day when she found him on the steps of her house three years ago. It was raining hard; Lina went outside to take out the garbage when she saw a little kitten shivering from the cold. The noise he was making sounded more like a cry rather than mewing. She fell in love with him right there, when she wrapped a scarf around his soaked little body and took him inside despite her husband’s unwillingness to keep him. Ex-husband. She had to get used to how it sounded. 
Lina was very good with animals, always had been. When she decided to start the postcard business, she had no doubt what she would use in her work. She studied Anne Geddes’s work for some time and learned a great deal from them. She took pictures of children for her postcards, Lina Holden would take animals. Lina knew how to make every picture work on a postcard, what kind of text would make them more meaningful, what color would be the best as a background. Today she had to finish the series of cards on birds before going up to the mountains.
Few weeks ago she decided she needed a vacation. It’s been a while since she had time for herself. She never felt she needed it. But this year everything had changed. After the divorce Lina needed a getaway, even though deep down she didn’t know what she’d do on her own. Work couldn’t calm her mind anymore, and that was the only thing left to try before she’d go crazy.
Before choosing a place, Lina checked with all the private hotels in the Valley. When she finally found an available little cabin, she signed the deal with the owners. All she wanted to do there was sleep all day long. She didn’t care about the beauty, snow, fresh air or other things they advertised. One week of seclusion, that’s all she needed.

***
Thoughts of Ron brought tears to her eyes; Lina already missed him. She should’ve taken the cat with her, why didn’t she? She wanted to be alone, that’s why. Lina had to remind herself of it one more time.
The trip was long and tiring; her car nearly stuck on the mountainous road because of the snowfall. Then the cabin aggravated her despite of his beauty. It looked as if it was expecting honeymooners. She didn’t want this. Lina hadn’t met the owners in person, but wrote them a succinct email, explaining what she needed from them. Apple-scented candles in the hall, king-size bed with a valance– where did it all come from?
Lina had already unpacked and was exploring the cabin from the inside. A kitchen. As if she was going to cook there. A dining room. She wasn’t going to eat their either. A bedroom, too big for one person, was in maroon color. She should’ve looked at the pictures beforehand; they were on the website, damn it.
She liked the living room, though. It felt cozy and homelike, especially with an old-fashioned fireplace. The wood was already burning; the owners took care of it. A large brown furry skin was lying beside the fireplace. Lina stepped on it with her bare feet to realize that it was too soft to be natural. Nevertheless, it felt right to have it there.
She approached the couch in the middle of the room and finally sat down. Her legs were heavy, as if she ran a marathon. Sometimes her life felt like one. Too many things to do, too many tasks to accomplish, too many people to please. Bernard never bothered to understand her. What kept them together for ten long years? They didn’t have children, they never shared a vacation together, for the last two years they didn’t even sleep in the same bed. All they shared was love, which dried up over the years, drop by drop.
She never thought that love could just evaporate. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight, but what about all those promises they made to each other? How could she let go of everything when she remembered it as if it happened yesterday? She visited once the Museum of Broken Hearts in Zagreb while traveling on business. There were many artifacts there – on love that was long gone, on relationships that no longer existed. People brought things to the museum, saying goodbyes to the past, noting that everything had an ending as it had the beginning. When Lina came back from the trip, she asked Bernard, what he would give to the Museum. He looked at her with his teasing blue eyes and said nothing. That’s when she realized that something was already gone.
The cuckoo clock just announced the time – ten p.m. Lina made herself comfortable on the couch right in front of the TV without attempting to turn it on. She hated it, because sometimes she felt Bernard loved it more than her. She put a blue patchwork blanket over herself and fell into a troubled heavy sleep.

*** 
The noise was a part of her dreams, or so it seemed. She was seeing white elephants in her dream. Or maybe they were not white, but covered with snow. Their bodies were shining in the sun and making strange noise. It was a mixture of scream and laughter. Suddenly she realized it was not a dream. Somebody was having fun outside of her cabin. Her supposedly lonely cabin.
Lina opened her eyes and looked at the clock - it was past midnight. It got colder in the room; the fire was dying out and the window she left carelessly open was letting out all the warmth. Despite the late hour it didn’t seem dark outside. The moon was looking into the living room through open curtains, and Lina fought the urge to get up and close the windows. Instead, she dove more into the blanket and continued listening harder to what was going on out there.
Meanwhile, the laughter was becoming louder. Lina lifted herself up in the sofa to have a look in the window, but there was no sign of anyone in view. As curious as she was, she was too tired to stand up. She got startled and gave a small cry, when a head appeared in the window.
“Hello there! Could you help us? Our car’s stuck on the road.”
A young woman in a red woolen hat was smiling at her as if a stuck car was a part of her happiness. Her big bright brown eyes were shining with laughter, cheeks were red from the cold, her mouth was slightly open letting out the fresh frosty air. Lina finally pulled herself together. 
“Do I look like I’m able to pull up a car?”
“Oh, sorry. We hate to disturb you, but we really need your help. Could you call the emergency? My…husband is there. We’ve just got married, and it’s our honeymoon. I still can’t get used to calling him a husband!”
The young woman gave a little laugh. 
“And I’ve just divorced and need time on my own.”
The words were unintentional. She wasn’t going to tell a story of her life to a total stranger, especially under those circumstances.
“Oh… Sorry,” said the woman, even though to Lina she didn’t look sorry at all.
Lina was waiting for the woman’s head to disappear, but it was still there. Lina suddenly felt ashamed of herself.
“Usually I’m not that bitchy. I’ll call the tow truck.”
“Thank you!”
The head was gone. Lina approached the window and closed it shut. It was more instinctive rather than done on purpose. She still felt tired, but it seemed like these honeymooners really needed her help.   
She made the call, put on her coat and scarf, looked in the mirror noting how pale she looked, and went outside to see what had happened with her own eyes. There they were, the honeymooners, standing not far from her cabin, looking into the depth of the pine forest that was surrounding the opening. At first Lina couldn’t make out who was the man and who was the woman she’d just met, because they were standing with their turned backs. They were wearing matching clothing – red hats, ski pants, heavy blue and white jackets. Finally they noticed Lina.
“The tow truck will be soon,” she said instead of greetings.
“Thank you so much!” It was a man who spoke. “I’m Douglass, by the way, and I believe you met my wife Sherry. We didn’t know we’d be sharing this place with somebody else. I mean, it’s great that we’re not alone here.”
Lina wasn’t sure whether she should tell them about her desperate desire to be on her own, but decided not to. It didn’t feel right at the moment. They looked so happy. She never looked so happy with Bernard, at least not for the last five years. And they never had a honeymoon.
“I’m glad we’re not sharing the same house, though.”
It was supposed to be a joke, not a very nice one, but the couple accepted it. They laughed, and after the tension was gone, Sherry said:
“We promise not to bother you more than we have to. Are you staying here alone?”
Lina thought it was obvious from their previous encounter.
“That’s why I came here. I don’t mind company, don’t get me wrong, as long as it’s not all the time.”
She did mind the company, very much so, but she’d better show it than say it. The tow truck came soon enough, and in a few minutes the car was pulled back onto the road. Lina said goodbye to the couple and watched them walk toward their cabin. It was on the other side of the clearing, the same little wooden house with a porch in the front. Two minutes of distance that she wished would be two thousand.   
“See you tomorrow!” Sherry said to Lina before leaving.
Lina smiled back, but didn’t say anything. Tomorrow she was going to spend all day long in her cabin reading and sleeping. The honeymooners would find out about it – sooner or later.

***
Soon enough she realized that her hopes to be left alone were in vain. An early morning knock at the door woke her up. At first Lina decided not to answer, but the person outside was persistent. Why couldn’t the honeymooners just leave her alone?
“Lina, good morning! We’re going up the Valley to ski, would you like to join us?”
Maybe Sherry would leave her alone if Lina kept quiet.
“Lina, come on. Divorce doesn’t mean you should spend such a beautiful day alone in bed crying!”
Wait a minute. Did she give her permission to give her life instructions? Who did she think she was? Lina stirred in her bed fighting the rising aggravation. If you were on a honeymoon, why did you even bother about someone else except for your partner?
It went quiet behind the doors, and Lina tried to go back to sleep, but couldn’t. She heard them laughing outside, and it made her even more angry. She would go out and tell that happy couple to mind their own business and leave her alone!
Lina quickly dressed, wearing the toughest and meanest expression on her face along with her warm outfit. It was hard, because in reality she was never tough and mean. Then she opened the door and the opened view made her hold her breath.
Sun entered the doorsteps in an instant and the brightness of it reflected from the snow which was everywhere – pure and untouched. It WAS a beautiful morning. How come she didn’t remember seeing anything like that before? Her vision became blurry and her eyes hurt from the brightness of the sun, but instead of closing her eyes, she focused on the pine-trees around the opening. The rays of light were filling in the spaces between the branches, making it look surreal. 
She didn’t need this. It somehow reminded her of the things she could have had but never did. Would she like to be there with Bernard? In her past life, maybe. Her anger was gone and she exhaled with relief. Lina started walking toward Sherry and Douglass, leaving deep foot prints on her way. The snow was getting inside her boots, even though they were high. The honeymooners were busy adjusting the belts on the top of a car so that the skies would be tied properly.
“Here you are!” They exchanged with smiles and looked at Lina. “Honestly, you shouldn’t be here on your own. Let’s go for a ride!”
“I don’t ski, never have. And I don’t think it’s the day to start.”
That was all she said. The words sounded wrong and ungrateful; Lina almost apologized for them.   
“Don’t be silly.” Did this girl just call her silly? “Doug can teach you. He’s the best expert in this area. Aren’t you, hon?”
Sherry was talking to her like a mother to a daughter, even though Lina could bet her heart she was at least ten years older than her. Douglass had already finished with the belts and winked at Lina, but she couldn’t make herself answer to that gesture either. It was a gorgeous morning, but she already felt tired of trying to be nice. As if she tried hard enough. She was sure that soon the honeymooners would be avoiding her as much as she was trying to avoid them.
Lina thanked the couple but firmly declined the offer. She didn’t want to go, that was the end of it. Even if she did, something inside forced her to say “no.” She wasn’t ready for happiness. She came all the way up here to be miserable, to cry until the tears dried up, until there would be nothing to grieve about. They said goodbyes and Lina walked slowly back into her cabin, shuffling the snow with her feet. Suddenly her legs felt numb with cold. Her thoughts drifted to Ron. How was he doing there at home all alone?

***
The day lasted very long. Lina caught herself thinking about her young neighbors. What brought them there? Why did the owners of this place didn’t tell her she wouldn’t be alone? Maybe the Valley wasn’t meant for the lonely after all.
She finally turned on the TV and watched Discovery channel. As long as it wasn’t humans she was looking at, she was OK. But her mind was drifting away from the cabin, resting in her past, going back and forth between honeymooners and her own marriage. They called it “marriage,” and she called it “marred” – the root was the same as was the meaning.
Lina regretted she didn’t bring any work with her. Certainly, it had to be a rest from everything she was doing on a daily basis, but she enjoyed creating postcards dearly. It was never a “work” thing for her. Maybe that’s why “Lina Holden” brand outgrew her name as one of the most respected and successful companies in the postcard-making industry, becoming a classic icon.
People always wondered why she used animals for her postcards. Journalists seemed thrilled when she once threw a phrase at them about humans being her worst enemies. Of course, it wasn’t true. But they needed a good story, and she gave them what they desired. Everyone was happy; they left her alone for some time.
Lina didn’t use photos all the time; sometimes she went for drawings of animals. But nevertheless, it was never a human being. The reason for it was simple: she wanted it to be that way. People sought an explanation for everything in life, but some things were just as they were.
Now that she was away from all this, Lina was bored. She didn’t feel like crying and feeling sorry for herself. She was almost happy when the honeymooners came back in the evening, happy and tired, and invited her over for dinner. This time she accepted the invitation. She put on the only nice beige shirt she had with her, took a bottle of red wine and headed toward the neighboring cabin.
“Lina, I fell down two hundred and three times, I counted!”
That was the first thing Sherry said when she opened the door. She looked very pretty in her dark blue jeans and white turtleneck, blond hair to her shoulders and a smile that never left her face. And she looked very young, too. Somehow it unpleasantly reminded Lina of her own age.
“I always tell her that someday she’ll break her neck, but she never listens to me,” Douglas said and laughed.
He was sitting by the fireplace, stirring the wood. He was good-looking, too, with tanned skin, blond hair in a ponytail and large strong hands that seemed to be able to do everything.
Later on they told Lina how they met at university during their freshmen year four years ago. They got married the day after graduation and came straight to the mountains after the ceremony, leaving the guests at home to celebrate the wedding without them.
“Why did you divorce your husband?”
The honeymooners were quite tactless, but tonight Lina didn’t mind their questions. Also she’d rather hear things right in the face than get stuck in an awkward silence. In few sentences she told them what happened, then about her job, postcards, animals and finally about Ron. Sherry was thrilled and asked to see one of her postcards.
“I didn’t bring any. I came here to forget what I am and what I do.”
“Did you?” said Sherry.
“No, you always remind me of it.”
They laughed together and then fell silent for a while. Lina sat closer to the fireplace and stretched her hands toward the warmth. The warmth was soothing her muscles, going deep into her veins. This cabin looked the same as hers, although there was no cuckoo-clock on the wall. She had a thought.
“What color is your bedroom?”
“Blue,” said Doug. “Why?”
Lina didn’t answer. She didn’t know why. These thoughts made her feel uneasy again. It was enough for today. Lina was up in a second, said goodbye, and without waiting for an answer walked out of the house. She didn’t care if the hosts thought it was rude of her. She just wanted to be on her own and finally cry as she had never cried before.

***
The next day Lina felt much better. Her eyes were sore from the last night cry, but other than that she felt renewed. She woke up at 6 a.m. and made herself a mug of green tea instead of usual black roasted coffee that had been her routine for many years. She wanted to do something different today, maybe even to go skiing. 
She wore her heavy coat and came to the door when suddenly realized she hadn’t thought about Bernard, Ron or work, not even once, since she woke up. She giggled, feeling a little silly and opened the door. Lina wasn’t ready to see her young neighbors, not yet. She would visit them later, but that early morning was for her only.
It was still and quiet outside. It reminded her of a picture on a postcard: perfectly set scenery with pine-trees and eucalyptuses circling two cabins on each side of the opening, the branches of trees covered with thin layer of snow, the ground of untouched beauty sparkling from the reflection of sunrays glimpsing between the trees. The smell of the air was biting her throat with little needles as she inhaled it. It tasted somehow of mint ice-cream and sea. Life had stopped for a moment, and as she was observing the surroundings, she wanted to cry out in awe and admiration. Some things could be perfect just the way they were; only human touch and existence could spoil them.
Lina stood there for a while in a trance without having courage to step out of the house, when saw Sherry showing up in the window of their cabin.
“You are up so early!” she yelled, then yawned stretching her arms. “Would you join me for a cup of tea?”
“I’ve just had mine,” Lina yelled back, waving at her neighbor. “What’re your plans for today? Going to ski again?”
“No, we’re going to the lake,” it was getting harder to yell back and forth because the cold air was painfully shrinking the lungs, so Lina stepped down from the threshold and started walking toward the neighboring house. “Locals say it’s magical. Have you heard of it?”
“Magic lake? No way you believe those superstitions!” said Lina as she approached her.
Sherry looked suddenly serious.
“Actually, I do. My friend was here last year; she made a wish to have a baby. You know, she couldn’t have children for years; doctors said she was childless. And guess what? She got pregnant in a month after her trip to the lake.”
“Could be a coincidence,” Lina said, trying to sound more casual than she felt. She didn’t want to kill it for her, but her doubt was there in the sound of her voice. 
“Could be. Maybe not.”
Little wind picked up the dust of snow into the air, making Lina sneeze. She suddenly wanted to change the subject.
“What wish would you make?”
Sherry fell silent for a moment, looking up into the sky.
“To have a very long life together with Doug.”
At first Lina thought she was joking. Sherry was too young, they were both young. Where did those depressing thoughts come from? The eyes of her young neighbor filled with tears and she looked away, embarrassed. She wanted to ask Sherry something else but didn’t have time. Her head disappeared from the window without a word.

***
They went to the lake together. It was a long trip even though they went by car; it took them almost two hours to get to the place. The car heater didn’t work properly. Lina was freezing so much she could barely feel her toes.
The lake looked ordinary from the first glance, except from the fact that it wasn’t frozen. The place was empty. They were standing on the bank of the dark-blue water and stared into its depth.
“Do you know how deep it is?” Lina asked Douglass while jumping from one foot to another to make herself warm.
“No idea. I think it was measured before many times, but they couldn’t figure out for sure.”
“What now?”
“You’ll see,” smiled Sherry.
When Lina realized what Sherry was talking about, her heart skipped a beat.
“This is a part of a ritual, didn’t she tell you?” Douglass, too, was hardly catching his breath. “If you want your wish to come true, you have to wash yourself in the lake from head to foot.”
“But this is…stupid!” Lina couldn’t find other words, they failed her.
“Not really, if you know what’s at stake,” Sherry had already taken off her ski jacket and was unbuttoning the pullover.
“What’s at stake? Doug, why don’t you stop her? Can’t she just make a wish on a coin and throw it into the water?”
Lina was so furious, even though she didn’t exactly understand herself. After all, it was Sherry’s decision, no? She and Doug were trying to speak in a low voice so Sherry wouldn’t hear. But she did.
“Of course, I can’t,” said Sherry while taking off her heavy trousers. She was standing barefoot on the snow.
Lina couldn’t believe her eyes. Sherry’s skinny body looked even smaller and unreal in the bright sunlight. She wanted to throw a blanket over her and drag her back to the cabin. She wanted to yell at her as a mother would. She wanted to stop her, no matter what, but instead was standing next to Doug mesmerized by the view.
Sherry didn’t even wince when she entered the lake. The time stopped for all of them. Her steps ahead into the water were slow and cautious, but she never looked back. Doug broke the silence.
“She’s ill. Sherry, I mean. Doctors said she has a year, maybe two. She has lived with this knowledge for two years now, and …time flies fast. She believes this will help. And I have to believe her, in her.”
Lina’s problems suddenly felt stupid and pointless. She was like a balloon that was pinned to the ground. She wanted to comfort him, tell him that everything would be fine, but how could she?
“She will be…fine. Don’t you ever doubt in that.”
“I don’t. Neither does she.”
After that they spoke no more. Sherry jumped out of the water screaming and laughing; Doug helped to dry her out and put on clothes, while Lina was lost in her thoughts.
The road back to the cabins didn’t take them long. Sherry was sleeping; Lina was looking out into the woods, trying hard to hold back tears. Douglass didn’t seem to mind the silence in the car. When they came back, honeymooners didn’t ask Lina to join them. And Lina understood them perfectly well.

***
They taught Lina how to ski, and since that day they spent almost all the time together. At first Lina didn’t think it was appropriate; they argued about this issue many times.
“It’s your honeymoon. Don’t you want to spend time with each other?”
But it didn’t seem to bother Douglass and Sherry. They seemed content with each other, and Lina’s presence didn’t change it a bit. Sometimes she would look at them secretively, while they sat on the couch next to each other, and a glimpse of sadness would pass through her mind. How could they be so happy despite everything?
Time went by fast; the vacation was coming to an end. Finally it was the last day for the honeymooners and the last day for Lina. It’s not that she didn’t want to go home, she did. But she was afraid to go back. She felt so content here, so calm, so detached from the rest of the world. But at least now she knew that she didn’t have to be alone to find relief in her pain.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Sherry. What would she do if she had only one year to live? Would she still be worrying about things she thought were important at the moment? She didn’t think so. Sherry believed in the power of the lake without any doubt. She couldn’t say the same about Doug, but Sherry believed for both of them.
When it was time to say goodbye, Lina wasn’t sure she could do that. She got used to the honeymooners. Even though at first they seemed noisy, they happened to be a great company and great comfort for her. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. She also realized that even in her marriage she was all alone. It was like a honeymoon for her, this trip. And it was time to move on and say goodbye – to her past.
Lina approached Doug as he was throwing the bags into their car. The sky was cloudy; the wind was getting heavier, so she bundled up tightly in her coat covering her ears. 
“I want to know how it goes. Would you let me know?”
Doug didn’t answer straight away.
“She doesn’t want to go back. Sometimes I’m not sure I can handle it.”
He looked older at that moment. 
“Of course you can. She needs you, and she needs you to believe in her.”
“Lina, she’s much stronger than I am, and sometimes it scares me more than anything else.”
Lina felt sad. Even honeymoons had their endings. Douglass finished with the packing, while she silently stood beside him. She made the decision. She’d tell them goodbye and do it. 

***
She decided to walk there. Chilly wind was blowing harder than ever, but Lina wasn’t shivering a bit. She didn’t know what time it was and how long it took her to get to that place. The only thing she knew was that she was ready.
There, on the bank of the lake, she took off her clothes, piece by piece, without looking back. She didn’t care if anyone saw her. The fear was gone, the coldness didn’t exist; one flick and she felt nothing at all.
She touched the water with the tips of her toes. Was she dreaming? The water was warm, and Lina could swear she saw the steam rising up from the surface. She saw the same miracle several days ago, but her closed stubborn mind wasn’t ready to accept it. She wished Bernard could see her at that moment. He would never understand, but it wasn’t important anymore. She stepped more into the water and it covered her ankles. She walked more before finally taking the most important step in her life.