Point of No Return

They called me soon after three in the morning. At this time of the year it is already broad daylight in this area. The sky gets pierced with small light holes which are getting wider every moment striving for daybreak to come. The most unspeakable part of this time of the day is the air - so pure and fresh, that it’s almost liquid. You take a deep breath and it seems you’re having a cocktail made of strong yesterday air, elusively soft night air and brand new morning air of uncertain strength. If you’ve ever stayed up till the new day begins, you know what I mean.
In fact fortunately I wasn’t asleep, anyway it was quite surprising if not worrying to hear my phone ringing so… I hadn’t decided on whether that was late or early, when it stopped ringing. No sooner had I fought the throbbing anxiety, than it started ringing again.
– Hello? – My voice was still shaking a bit.
– Good morning, Ms. Marshall, sorry for bothering you so early, - I held my breath, obviously it wasn’t good news, - This is special agent Dorten.
– Hmm… Yes? I’m listening, agent.
– We met one of your friends recently and I’m calling to ask if you could come to help us out.
– So you ask? – My hostility was so evident it couldn’t have escaped his understanding.
– The car will pick you up in forty minutes, is it alright, Ms. Marshall?
– Will it change anything if I say no? By the way, agent, what friend?
– Great, be ready in time, Ms. Marshall. – He hung up.

“Nice. And what shall I do now?”
Frankly my first thought was to wait for the car and when it arrives, if it arrives of course, tell them to go to hell, because I’m not playing these games. Nevertheless in only a few minutes my curiosity gained the upper hand over the prudence.
“Well, after all, what’s the worst thing can happen?” – I thought and decided to get ready.

Black cadillac escalade arrived at my door in forty minutes sharp. I don’t know whether I was surprised or not. However I got into the car almost feeling with my skin that something important but unkind was about to happen.
– Glad you came, Ms. Marshall. – Said the same man that was on the phone, at least I figured so.
– As if I had a choice – I rolled up my eyes.
– We always have a choice, Ms. Marshall, even if we don’t know where it’s going to lead us. – He was so calm and emotionless, that I couldn’t believe my ears.
– Seriously? Now you are what? A federal philosopher? Do they pay you for that as well or only for kidnapping people from their homes at the crack of dawn? – I crookedly smiled while he preferred not to bother himself with an answer.

Can’t say how long we’d been on the way, but when we finally arrived, I saw only an old storehouse, which didn’t look like being used for at least half a century, and nothing more. I was deeply disappointed if not offended. I was expecting to see a skyscraper or a military base, well anything supposing some serious business going on.
– Ha-ha, very funny, you got me. Now what? Are we going to explore a haunted house?
– You should take it more seriously, Ms. Marshall. – Said the agent and pushed me in the direction of the store. I was about to revolt when a few more agents or someone who looked like agents came out of the building making their way directly towards us.

They explained that you were loosing your human nature, gradually turning into something else, something unknown, but most probably heartless, though you still had your soul. Not for long I suppose, however they hoped it would be enough to get to you.
They brought me to a cell where they had locked you up. They were despaired to find out what was wrong with you and also longing for keeping everyone else safe. They were doing their best not to show the fear bugging them from the inside. I refused to yield because the whole thing did not make any sense to me. All their attempts to persuade me sounded like a complete nonsense: “That simply could not have happened, right? Ridiculous!”
The situation itself looked pretty insane.
And I tell you what, it actually was insane, I only didn’t know that yet.
I guess I told them I wanted to be there, to see you not just to look at you through the bars. At least now I think it was my idea back then. After all I was the one who insisted on opening the door and letting me in; letting me into a cage along with a monster.
One step forward, clank of the door behind my back and here we are both behind bolt and bar. And this is when I saw it.
It looked almost like a human, but no way was it human. It’s hard to explain; it’s just something you feel: a sort of ephemeral, shadowy air that had deeply buried every possible human feature. It was standing only a few feet away from me, but seemed to be so much farther away because of incredibility of the situation, and it wouldn’t stop giving me an intimidating piercing glance. I had never seen anything like that before. Suddenly I got scared to death. And you, or whatever it was at the moment, seemed to actually smell my blood running cold. Next thing I knew – this creature standing right before my face, so I could hear its growl-like breathing.
All I could think of at that moment was: “I should have listened to them. I should have trusted their words, because if something happens now, nobody will be able to save me. It moves obviously too fast, I have nowhere to run or hide; they won’t shoot it until they get their answers. So, congratulations, I’ve just signed my death sentence.”
That was my fatal mistake. I let my fear overtake my heart, and the thing took me either for a threat or a prey. It began making strange guttural noises, its eyes got narrow burning with rage, I guess it was about to hit me when unexpectedly, even for myself, I started to sing.

The thing stood still, looking at me, amazed and I’d say… touched? I finally found a response in its, no, in your heart. That was you at last! I saw it in your eyes: first a brief flash and then, a few moments later, your absolute presence. The guards stepped away from the door (god knows what they were going to do) and asked me if everything was alright. They didn’t seem to notice any difference. But I did. It was you, of course it was you, who else could it be?
– Do you remember this song? It used to be our song… sort of. – I gingerly smiled and stealthily touched your hand.
– Of course it was our song without “sort of”. Why do you always say this “sort of”? It’s a meaningless and unnecessary phrase. Didn’t I tell you before?
– I bet you did! It wouldn’t be you if you’d missed another chance to pick on me. – Tears of happiness and relief were pouring down off my face.
– So, what’s up, kido? Is everything alright? – You asked smiling.
– That depends on what you mean by alright – I said – Do you remember what happened to you?
– And what happened to me? – You looked sincerely surprised.
– Well, do you remember how you ended up here? – What else could I ask?
– Ended up where, kido? This is where I live, don’t you remember? – You laughed surely taking me for some weirdo. I tried not to react to that tone of yours, but hardly could I.
– This is a cage! With the bars! And you’re locked up in it! Don’t you see that?
– Hey-hey, easy – your smile became a nervous one – Just try to calm down, okay? There’s no cage, no bars… look around, kido, it’s just my old loft.
You came closer and gave me a hug. You seemed greatly worried, but still tried to calm me down.
– And now? Any better?
I didn’t know what to say. I was sure about the place I was in, but somehow I started to understand what you meant. Some slightly familiar features began to come out of nowhere. All I knew was that my mind was a complete mess at the moment.
– Yeah, I think so… - My tone was hesitating.
– Good – you breathed out and moved aside a bit – So, what are you doing here?
– I… I don’t remember – I gave you an inquiring look.
– That’s okay, we can still find some stuff to do, right? – You were smiling again.
– Sure – I shrugged – why not?
– Fantastic! We can go for a walk then, or prepare something to eat, or watch some tv, or kill someone – your voice suddenly turned into a growl. I bounced back as soon as I could.
– What? – My heart was going crazy… the same as me as matter of fact.
The creature gave me a horrific smile and then stepped away. In a moment that was you again, moving towards me with your arms open for a hug.
- Hey, what happened to you again? Don’t be afraid…
But too late, I was shaking with dread.
– Please, don’t get any closer to me.
– Hush, kido, it’s just me. It’s alright, you should trust me.
“Trust – I thought – why should I trust you if you don’t even realize you’ve been caught in a cage? If you don’t know you’re… changing into something? Wait a minute…”
– Do you know the beast that lives here?
– What are you talking about? Only I live here…
– That’s what you think.
– And what do you think then?
– I think there’s a monster in this place and it’s tired of spending its life chained down. It wants to break free.
– Hold on, but if I live here alone, that means…
– Exactly.
– But that’s impossible, I feel fine!
– Once again: that’s what you think.
I guess you started to get angry, that’s why several beast features kept on showing on your face.
– You know, I think if you want to leave, just leave. That would separate you from the beast, or ultimately unite you two together, which is basically the same thing.
You looked puzzled for a couple of moments and then suddenly the other you turned back. It bared its teeth like some kind of an animal.
– So you found out, good for you – it evilly smiled. I felt something get twisted inside out my stomach, while it continued – Now what? He’s almost gone, it’s just me now. Well, you were right: he is me and I am him; it is not dual personality or something it’s just…- it took its breath- I am in transition but my human nature, my weak and stupid human nature keeps rejecting it. No worries it won’t be long. – He smiled again and his smile made me feel nauseous.
– Stop! – I cried – Do you hear me? Just stop!
– Stop what? – You cynically crinkled your nose – I’m getting stronger then ever, don’t you get it?
I didn’t find anything else to do but going straight to you. I forgot my fear I forgot everything it just didn’t matter anymore. I took you face into my palms and looked you straight into the eyes. For a moment I thought you’d tear yourself from my sneak embrace, but for some reason you didn’t. You only covered my hands with yours.
– What the hell do you think you’re doing? – I was almost crying – What the hell are you doing? – I repeated shaking you as hard as I could. You didn’t say a word, so I continued – Since when do you even care about some mystical strength? Since when are you so emotionless? The man I knew, no, the man I know is strong enough already, he’s funny and smart… and wise… and…
– Dead. – You quietly breathed out.
– What? Don’t say that it’s not too late… - I protested.
– No, kido, you don’t understand. I mean it. I died and I’m dead now.
– What? – I was dumbfounded. – What do you mean... How? When?
– That’s a long story – you bleakly smiled and let me hug you, even more, I felt your arms around my waist.
We stood in silence for some time and then you whispered.
– I’m dead, that’s why dying completely is my only chance to live.
I couldn’t believe my ears.
– When did it happen? When did you start to think that being a monster is better than die? You’re gonna kill people, you know, and no matter for how long you manage to block your emotions, your humanity, eventually the guilt will reach you and destroy you. And you will die all over again, except then you’ll be rotting from the inside and dying in unbearable agony. Do you think it’s worth it?
You moved away and looked at me.
– You don’t know that for sure, kido. I have to try. No one’s perfect, but if you manage to make things right you may find yourself among the lucky ones.
– And how on Earth is this right? – I was almost hysterical.
– You don’t get it, do you? If I don’t turn, I’ll die and that time for good.
– It’s… horrible and scary I get it!
– No, you don’t. – You desperately breathed out.
– Okay, I don’t, so explain it to me, please.
– Kido, if I die I won’t see you ever again and I won’t have a chance to make things right between us.
I was speechless.

– Okay, that’s enough, Romeo and Juliet – We suddenly heard the voice from the outside. – We got our answers, now let us deal with it.
Four agents armed to the teeth opened the door and ran in.
– You –one of them nodded to me – out! Now!
– What? – I got furious – No way. I am not going anywhere.
– Oh yes, you are! Now! Out! – Someone just grabbed me and pushed out of the room.
I turned back and saw you changing again. It was no longer you, but “it” and it was even more furious than me. It seemed ready to tear everyone apart any moment. Someone managed to finally push me out of the room and the door slammed before I knew it. I heard just that loud noise and nothing more.
That was the last thing I remember, probably you too. I found myself in my bedroom next morning with a terrible headache. First couple of days when I tried to remember something… at least anything it was all blank and I felt nothing more except of an almost unbearable headache. Then the things started to pop out one by one, but by the time I remembered the whole thing it was too late. I’ve never seen you again ever since. I still have some hope left though. Hope that you managed to escape somehow. I don’t know how, but you were so strong and fast there should be at least a single chance that you survived or faced your death with dignity. I didn’t know what to believe in anymore I didn’t know what I wanted more. I just hoped that before you’d chosen either option you’d come to say goodbye or hello, who knows.
Sometimes I think there’re no truly bad people, only truly bad things that happen to them and change their attitude to life, so before judging anyone you should try to walk into his shoes first. This is why I can never forgive those agents and this is why I ought to.

At that point I was waiting for my friend to come and no sooner had I thought about it my doorbell rang.