The Diary of My Soul

The 15th of September.
Hello, Dear Diary. My name is John. Usually, boys do not have diaries. Diaries are for girls who write down all their problems and feelings in it. Oh, do not think I’m like a girl. I’m actually not. Absolutely. Completely not. Maybe, just a little bit. Anyway, girls are very weird beings. They cry into their pillow and always disturb their poor memory because of boys they love. They are very strange. I don’t really like to compare myself with a girl, but I decided to write it, because today I realized I’ve no friends left with me anymore. I’m totally lonely. If someone someday reads this diary, I know what he or she will think now – it’s just an ordinary depression of an absolutely ordinary teenager, just a bad mood that will be forgotten soon, it’s normal. But it’s not. It’s the fact that I’m alone in whole this world, and nobody needs me anymore. I cannot say I’m kind of pessimistic. I’m quite optimistic, you know. I’m really funny and… Oh, whom am I lying to. I’m the greatest pessimist you have ever met. I really am.
Today my best friend betrayed me. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say anymore. And I have nobody to say everything I don’t have. So, I decided to tell all this shit to me in the future, and write all this down in my diary.
Mike was my best friend from the first grade in elementary school. There were a lot of quarrels and bad things in our friendship, but we overcame every obstacle in our way just to save it. He knew all my secrets, including that I fell in love with our common classmate. Her name is Anna, and I’m crazy about her. She’s my ideal. I really love everything about her, every little detail, and every trifle. Her emerald eyes, dark shiny hair… She didn’t even notice my presence, but, until some time, I was really satisfied with my love for her and didn’t even need hers. I was trying to get her attention, and she smiled to me with her incredible smile, but nothing else. I have no idea why. Mike was trying to help me impress her. He gave me hope and calmed me down. But today I found out that he loves her, too. And the worst thing is that I found it out when I was already slandered by him. It is horrible. He told Anna that I don’t love her at all, and that I just want to wake her feelings up, and then to make fun of them and leave her with broken heart full of passion and suffering. Why didn’t my best friend tell me that he loves the same girl as I do? He’s my friend and of course, I’d do everything for him to be happy. However, he chose another way, and probably he’s not sorry at all about the fact that his path can affect mine.

 The 16th of September.
Anna doesn’t talk to me anymore. She avoids me, hides her eyes. But I love her.  I really, ineffably do. And I will love her even when she totally disappears from my life. Girls are too trustful. They tend to believe any bullshit they hear from any bastard. I’m so sorry that Anna doesn’t give me a chance to explain everything I need her to know. People usually believe the first source of information, trying not to pay attention to the next ones. It is hard to explain, but it is our nature. I was trying to tell Anna how the truth she knows is different from the real truth, but she didn’t even want to listen. She’s too offended and she said it’s her fault that she trusted me. I don’t want her to feel bad, so I didn’t try to force her to have a conversation. I love her so much, but she doesn’t care.

 The 18th of September.
  Today I thought I was going to die. I saw how that guy who was my best friend just a few days ago was walking with the girl I deadly love. I’ve no idea what to do and whom I should live for.

 The 24th of September.
Where is my life flowing? What direction? I remember how just recently I was happy with my one-way love, but now I feel how I’m losing myself. I do not know and do not understand what for. What purpose did God have when He decided to create me? I cannot make anybody happy. My father used to say to me that God gives us only those obstacles that we can fight with. We become stronger, overcoming them. So, it means I have to go through everything I face in my way, and only after that I would be able to feel I’m really worth something.

The 30th of September.
Anna told me she hates me for my lie. All my attempts to explain to her that she’s wrong were in vain. I feel so exhausted. My soul died today.

The 2nd of October.
Today I called Anna. I told her about what I feel for her, but she hung up. I don’t have any reasons to live anymore. This is probably the last note in my diary. Nobody will read it, because there’s not going to be any me in the future. I’m going to die today. I don’t know and don’t care what will happen to my soul when I die. The only thing I know is that nothing worse can happen. When a person feels despair in every cell of his or her body, this person can do a lot of crazy things. But I’m absolutely calm. I’m conscious from top to toe. Truly, I’m absolutely mad, but who cares.
Now I’m staying on the roof of a very high building. I’m not going to see what life looks like – I’m not interested in it. I’m not going to overcome all these obstacles that my dad was talking about. I give up, life. You won. Farewell. Just one step keeps me away from darkness. I wanted to say from emptiness, but this one is inside me. Just one second of the flight, and you are not yourself anymore. All you will leave on earth is your body. You soul will be above the sky. Good-bye, my diary. Good-bye, my life. I will miss you, Anna.

The 3rd of October.
Yesterday I died. I got to the sky, as I dreamed. I can see the whole earth from here. I was allowed to take only one thing from there – and I chose you, my diary. Now I can observe people from above, see all their actions, and everything they do. I saw my mother. She was crying. She was bursting into tears, standing near my bloody body. She didn’t know what to do. She was crying; but not with her eyes, as a majority of people do, but with her soul. Tears were washing out life from her body. She was staying extremely pale, and cried, cried, cried. She was blaming herself; I know it exactly. I know how she felt, because I know everything now. She didn’t want to live anymore, but she had to. My mom really loved me and loves me so far. I terribly want to calm my mommy down, to hug her, and say that I’m with her and everything is okay. Actually, I can do it, but neither of us will feel it. I want to cry when I see how deep her grief is, but I can’t. I don’t know how to cry since yesterday. I know how to suffer and tear myself into pieces without pain and feelings for ages, but, as for tears, I can’t cry. I saw my father. I saw his tears. I’ve never seen them when I was alive. He was holding my mom’s hand and crying, too. God, if they only knew how much I love them. But they don’t. I didn’t have time to say it to them.

The 5th of October.
Today is the day of my funeral. There’re a lot of people, but only a tiny part of them is really sorry that I don’t exist anymore. Anyway, they are wrong, I exist and will exist for ages. Among people in black I noticed Anna. She was wiping the tears from her face. Oh, God! How deep my heart would sink, if my soul were in my body! I was standing next to her and looking in her beautiful green eyes. Nobody could see me; my body was in a red coffin. Mike didn’t come to the funeral, and I’m not surprised. I don’t even care. I was looking at Anna for a long time, and suddenly I noticed that her lips shuddered. They whispered, “I love you. Why? Why?” and she hid her face in her hands. I wanted to start crying, but I couldn’t. I wanted to collapse on the ground under the weight of my heavy soul, but I couldn’t either. I want her to be happy, but I can’t help it. So, when I thought that nothing could be worse in my life, I was wrong. The worst things happened after I died.
I also understood one very weird thing: when you are falling down from the roof, you realize that all your problems can be solved very easily, except one – you are falling down from the roof.

The 27th of November.
Hello, Diary. I didn’t write here for quite a long time. I didn’t feel like that and didn’t want to. It’s very hard for me to describe the pain that I consciously brought on myself once.
It is snowy today; the first time after my death. When I was alive, I loved the first snow a lot, and enjoyed it as a child. But now I cannot touch it. My mom smiles very seldomly, because she cannot endure the loss. It’s horrible when parents live longer than their kids. It actually is, believe me. I already forgot how it is to hug the person you want to hug. And I accepted the loss of myself. I want the people I love to be happy, even if I cannot make them feel like that. I always observe them from the sky; my soul is always with them. They probably feel this presence in the hardest moments of their life. It kills me that I can’t kiss them or touch their hands; and sometimes I want to die because of it. But the whole trouble is that I’m already dead.