Knight of the fiest Рыцарь застолья

 Knight of the feast

 At the table he is superb .Great fun and good company, charming beyond measure, joyful, sprinkling with jokes and gags. Everybody is roaring with sincere unconstrained laughter, and he is glad. Because the greatest happiness has been achieved – to cause unfeigned joy among the people at the table. What can be better?

That is why he is eagerly invited to all kinds of banquets, festivities, jubilees, parties .As to the weddings, he is the very man there. Born toaster and wit, he at once wins the sympathy of the newlyweds, their relatives, friends and acquaintances.

 He makes the clumsiest and most awkward people dance, the voiceless sing and the most silent and sullen ones tell funny stories and anecdotes.

He orders the bridegroom and bride to mark countless times the happiest day in their life, and the tipsy guests ardently follow his commands by the shouts “Bitter! Bitter!”

He is loved, worshipped, readily invited, and somebody envies his wife:
–How happy she must be to live with such a jolly, full of life husband!

 But nobody, not a soul suspects what is taking place in fact. Nobody knows the whole truth, such as it is. It is not given to anyone to witness tears, not visible by the world.

 It is difficult, even impossible to imagine that this effervescent, sprinkling with jokes and witticisms man, at home is silent most of the time and may keep silence for long, pressing hours; that he is constantly angry and gloomy; that he can find fault with his wife, rebuking her with courtly pettiness of mental dullness, lack of intelligence and sheer stupidity.

 True, it happens sometimes that he lights up: it takes place at the moment of preparation for the next festivity.
It goes without saying that nobody knows that all these impromptus and witticisms is a result of laborious efforts, sometimes going on for many hours.

 At first he turns over old editions of humoristic journals, collected by him in the course of time, whence he scoops the placers of wit. But, to be on the safe side, he doesn’t look through the recent editions of such journals.

 Then comes the time of working off a script of the future festivity. The preliminary work looks like this:

– At first you will start paying tribute to Chuchukin,– he orders his wife.– Stand up and say, that you have never met such a conglomeration of talent, charm, spiritual beauty and high  moral attitude…

– Just a moment, – his wife says, – diligently putting down all these definitions into a special note-book:  “conglomeration of charm, spiritual beauty, high moral attitude”…
 – Don’t confuse anything, do you hear?
– I do, – his wife answers meekly.

– I will say without standing up: “Let your enemies, and ours too, kick the bucket,”– and strike the fist on the table, and you immediately repeat:  “Yes, let them kick the bucket!”

– Let them kick the bucket, – the wife obediently repeats, hurriedly filling up the page in the note-book.

– Then keep silent for some time to show that you are sincerely moved. Beheaded?
The wife nods timidly.

– The third, – he bends the next finger, – don’t forget to mention Chubukin’s wife and by all means his mother-in-law: everything depends on her, even the garden plot, not further than 6o klm.  Clear?

The wife again obediently nods.
– Then stop, – the husband continues to command. – Look at me and say: – Now I pass the word to my husband…

– And then you start? – his wife asks.
– Yes, then I start

– And now, to add to the words of my dear, beloved wife.
He wrinkles his nose, squints his eyes, repeating in every way the introductory phrase: – “Alaverdi to the words of my beloved wife…”

Much depends on the very first words, since they make the music: whether he will be listened to and believed everything he says or it will pass their ear – everything might happen…

There is one more circumstance, not known to anyone except himself and his wife: all impromptu, all anecdotes and funny stories are aimed at one single goal – gratification of needed people.

He has no friends, comrades, simply good acquaintances, he communicates only with the needed people, sometimes even necessary for him: from one of them his promotion can depend, the other can help with getting a garden plot, not very far from the city, the third – with the apartment innovation, the fourth…

 It is for them, dear and the only ones, peculiar in their own way, he goes out of himself, trying to do his best, excelling in witty jokes, exquisite impromptu and apt words.

He has studied human nature very well, he knows for sure: if you managed to entertain the needed man properly, wait for the gratitude, the latter will remember you not once and will try– why not? – to help you. Really, why not help the nice, witty, joyful and charming knight of the feast?

He is getting ready for the next festivity very thoroughly and insistently, rehearsing the script at first alone, then with his wife, nagging at her from tine to time:
:
–What a gawk you are!  Isn’t it clear when you have to stop? A real jump upon my head!

In the long run he will get what he is after, the wife learns all properly to be a genuine helper to her husband .

And when the cherished evening sets in, he stands up in the midst of the merriment with a tumbler in the hand and pronounces in the penetrating voice:

– To add to the words of my dear beloved wife…
And wrinkles his nose, and squints his eyes, and turns his head preparing the quests for the coming witticism which makes him look extremely funny. Everybody laughs. The knight of the feast casts an approving glance at his wife: she didn’t let him down, it seems, all goes on well, people are laughing. What else is to be desired?

Людмила Уварова ( «Литературная газета» 5. 12, 83,).