Conjure and His Gift

               

                CHAPTER 1

I really don't know how I can hook you, my blessed reader. This narrative is not going to amuse you nor will it provide you any touch of enjoyment.
 This story won't make you more clever or wise, honest or happy because it is telling about fat chunk of shit which insolently bears my name.
It's about me if to put it clear.
The most damn fact of my life is that my Mom and Dad both are tall, slim and handsome. So is my sister, Lily, who is in habit of winning prises and rewards for dancing. And in some incomprehensible way of nature I turned out to be as fat as two adult cows sticked together.
They say, envy is evil. But how can I abstain from that kind of sin if my fifteen years old sister has a host of fans, and many smart and cute guys always have a crush on her while I see only the expression of fear or contempt on faces of all the girls with whom I'm trying to communicate.
 They shy away from me like from a leper.
Ok, I'm not going to sqeeze a tear from your heart 'cause it's the most stupid thing one can enjoy thyself.
The jest of my sad biography is that when I asked Dad "Why I'm so fat if you and Mom and Lily have quite perfect bodies?" he grinned, winked and murmured nodding at Mom "You should ask your Mom about it, George." On hearing this, Mom who was knitting on the sofa feigned to drop something on the floor and bent down pretending to look for the loss.
Well, I didn't ask her but what I did was that I rendered this quiz out of our home and offered to solve this riddle our neighbor.
He lived nearby in a lonely cottage, a retired incredibly gaunt gray haired butcher with two yellow teeth in upper row and three in a low row.
He wrinkled with joy when I asked him to be the exegete of my vague origin.
" Khe, khe," he chuckled. " Finally it occurs into your head. You not so boob as you seem though your brain must be drown in fat. Come on, fellow, listen to what I have to reveal you. It was about twenty years ago when in our town came a conjurer.
He was twice fatter in comparison with you, he was wearing long black coat with gold sequins and a high silver hat with a star on top. He gave a show that night on the street and a huge crowd gathered. I was there, and your mom and dad, being quite young yet, were there.
The mysterious podge showed amazing things: exhaled flame of fire, took pigeons out a handkerchief, swallowed a sword.
The audience was ecstatic. And then he addressed the crowd " Now the highlight of the program: the lady vanishes and appears with a gift. Who wants to try? No volunteers?"
It was your mother who volunteered to participate in the show.
In the middle of the square, where the performance took place, stood a wooden booth. He invited your mother to enter there and followed her.
They disappeared behind the door and there was silence for about five minutes, and then alarmed husband rushed to the booth, flung open the door and froze: there was nobody therein. Aye, aye, moreover there were not even your mother's bonnet or one glove nor a handkerchief. Nothing at all.
I can't depict what an awful turmoil ensued. Your father cried and shouted running to and fro like a madman. His bloody eyes was bulging, his face and hair were wet from sweat.
When police arrived, the door of the booth opened and your mother appeared staring at the officer, her eyes shone as polar stars on her pale face.
 The desperate hubby hugged her crying and entreating her to tell what happened to her and where's the conjurer.
She wept and wasn't able to shed a light on the occasion because she was near to faint.
The conjurer was never found and never was heard of. That's the whole story, my poor chap, and you may rest assured that every word of it is as true as that I have only five teeth in my mouth."
"But what about the gift?" I exclaimed. "The present the conjurer promised to Mom?"
" The gift..." the old man squinted at me mysteriously and sighed. " All people of the town had been making guesses as to what it might be until you was borned khe, khe, khe."
I turned abruptly feeling a strong desire to beat him on the face.
And went home on rocking feet and and I had a vague sense of blasphemy on my tongue. In front of my house I stopped, looked upwards and cried out "If You some day descends from the heavens I swear I'll crucify You again You may rest assured I'll do it!"




                CHAPTER 2


 It was an eve of my birthday when Lily entered the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.
    "Damn, George! You ate everything again! Last night there was plenty of food. Why the hell are you eating during the night?"
    "I always want to eat," I said, admiring Lily's ass tightly confined in black jeans. "I can't sleep because it seems to me that chunks of meat and burgers floating over my pillow."
    Lily slammed the door of the refrigerator,turned around and glared at me. "You might have thought about your sister! Now I have to stay hungry."
    "Well, I can't think of anything except food!" I looked point blank at Lily's breast, bulging from under her white t-shirt.
    "Nonsense!" Lily pursed her tender lips and said contemptuously. "You watched porn on my computer, that's what you didn't forget!"
    "How do you know?" I muttered dejectedly.
    "You fool," hissed Lily.
    "Don't tell Dad," I stammered, "and Mom too."
    "You left me without breakfast, why I should help you? For what reason?"
    "Look, Lil," I began shakily, "You're beautiful, and you have an excellent ass, you're sixteen, and you have every month a new guy, and I haven't had a single girl yet, though I'm twenty!"
    "Oh, you poor thing!" Lily grinned. "But didn't it occur to you that
 I'm not to blame that you're so fat and ugly. By the same token you're so lazy that don't even bother to sit on a diet and go in for sports! Apart from all this you're a pervert! Nevertheless, I won't reveal your porn aspirations, but I want you to do something for me."
    " What is it?"
    " You should go to the store as fast as you can and buy pizza, ice-cream, orange juice, and pumpkin pie. Then you go to Allegra and buy a Bible for my Sunday school."
    " You seem to have one."
    " I wanna Trockmorton version with parallel texts."
    "Does it cost much?" I scratched hesitatingly my belly filled by Lily's breakfasts. "I've got only two bucks."
    Lily guffawed desperately and said "Hey,George, you're twenty and have two bucks, while I'm sixteen and have twenty! What do you make of that?"
    "You seem to hint that I'm a stupid," I murmured.
    "Okay," Lily smiled more gently, nearly in the way she normally smiles to her guys "I see that you are not a complete idiot and quite able to understand that you are freak." She handed me twenty bucks with severe admonishment " If I don't have my meals and the aforementioned Bible within half an hour you'll be totally disgraced."
    " I got it," I nodded sluggishly.
    I left the house, got in the truck (the parents prohibited me to use the car for fear that it wouldn't stand my weight, which was more than one hundred and sixty kilos) and repaired to the supermarket.
    "Of course, Lily looked through google search history, which I didn't bother to delete." I thought, biting my lip. "Lily is right: I'm a nerd." Some literary critics tell that a reader is not interested in what a hero thinks, but I'm not a hero in the first place, and secondly, I have something to sweat about except reader's preferences.
    I stopped the lorry near the supermarket and dived into the ocean of foods, meals, products of any kind and for any taste.
    At the sight of so much food my drool began dripping down on my boots and inside my stomach appeared voluptuous spasms. These invoked a pounding in my temples, and I felt like obsessed by amoc.
    My sweaty fat fingers began feverishly to fill a basket with products. When I went to the checkout, near which there was a line of people, I grabbed a stick of sausage and took a bite. I was masticating the stuff with unimaginable and impregnable enjoyment when a guardian, clad in black uniform, came up to me and said in a coarse tone "Don't eat ere you pay for it."
    I burped and after exposing such a pearl of eloquence continued chewing sausage.
    "Hey," the man's hand touched a truncheon, fixed on the right side of his resplendent belt, "you read me? Don't eat before you pay!"
    I paid no attention to his exclamation and went on to rejoice devouring the sausage.
    The guardian leaped towards me and grasped the sausage but inasmuch as the other end of it was in my clenched robust teeth he wasn't able, despite all his cramped efforts to expropriate the sausage from me.
    We were engaging this weird kind of wrestling for a minute without any result, when my opponent shouted "Somebody tickle his underarms." Several customers tried to find them but failed.
    "He is so fat," one of the volunteers sighed, " that he seems not to have armpit at all, not a notch."
    The volunteers grabbed the free end of sausage and began to pull it with triple force.
    They failed to move me an inch.
    Sausage was still stuck in my mouth when police entered the supermarket.
    They removed volunteers and led me outside.
    "Let him pay for the food!" cried the cashier.
    She counted an amount: thirty-five bucks.
    I gave twenty and shrugged.
    "Cheater!" croaked the woman at the checkout.
    The police took the damned basket of products and led me out from the supermarket.
  We came up to the police car, and one of the officers, along with the basket, made himself comfortable inside the driver's seat. The second officer opened the door and tried to push me into the car, but my fat body was much wider than a doorway, therefore he couldn't push me through it inside the car.
    The cop persevered and pressed my tummy, presumably wanting to render me more compact, and I gave off a powerful fart. The officer who sat in the car bounced out of it momentarily and shouted, "The attack on the police!"
    The second cop stepped back and drew a revolver from his holster.
    "Guys, relax, I just farted!" I yelled.
    The policeman put the gun back in the holster and growled, "Now the car stinks!"
    "What are we do with him now?" the second cop asked. "I can't get him into the car."
    At this time, police radio wailed, "305, The Central is speaking: the robbery at the crossroads of Krachmort Avenue and Droll Street." The police officers, pressing their noses, jumped into the car.
    "And what about my basket of food?" I exclaimed and the sausage finally fell out of my mouth. From the open door of the car flew out the basket and products were scattered on the ground. Police car with siren and blaring sped away.
    I picked up the products in the basket, sat on a bench and began to eat.
    I didn't buy the Bible for Lily and spent all her money, but I had a basket full of delicious food. I chewed, squinting with pleasure, and I was happy.


                CHAPTER  3



    Look out, it's like a leprosy.
    I mean my unlucky way of life. Reading this you might get infected.
    If you have nothing to lose or have enough desperate courage to read this snotty story, come on, but I feel like I have an obligation to warn you, my light-minded reader, and prevent your disappointment.
   I'm definitely ugly and ineffably a fat guy, therefore I have never been lucky with girls,  but I  put up with the circumstance, saying to myself: I don't care about girls, love, dates, and all that kind of things.
    I led a quiet, monotonous, meticulous life, filled with reading books and writing shitty stories about things that I had never seen personally and of what I hadn't the slightest idea.
    By and by I learned to despise girls.
    Every time I felt unbearable blue and was longing for girls, eating usually helped me much.
   It took ten minutes to destroy my comfort and habitual way of life, to smash the order in my soul and mind and turned me into stupid, crazy animal wooing a female.
 I heard some guy murmur: don't tell us, show us.
    Well, why not?

    It was eight o clock A.M. when the bell in a lounge of our house rang in the way of onomatopoeia the nightingale.
    I was eating surreptitiously in the kitchen, emptying a refrigerator in methodical way, and inasmuch as there was still great quantity of meal inside it, I was by no means glad to be so irrelevantly interrupted.
    But the nightingale persevered in its false singing and there it seemed nobody was eager to open the front door.
    I slammed the door of the fridge and cursing my parents and my sister, Lily, for not responding the bell, made for the front door.
    Having opened it, I found myself in front of a girl of about sixteen, clad in blue jeans and white blouse with the top button unbuttoned. Her face radiated freshness, energy and vitality; her long bright hair sparkled under the timid touching of the sun rays.
    At the sight of my enormous body, habited in night gown, she stepped back and grew pale. There appeared a hint of worry in her blue, wide, open eyes. I was totally abashed as well and stood in the doorway like a monument of the extreme stupidity.
    After a few seconds her eyes sparkled again, petals-lips parted in a smile, revealing glistening, slightly damp teeth.
    "You George? My name is Anna. Is Lily at home?"
    "Yep," I muttered. "She's still sleeping."
    "Impossible, I talked to her half an hour ago. We are going to the sunday school."
    "Very nice. Why didn't she open the door?" I grumbled.
    "George, you blocked the whole doorway, damn hippopotamus." Lily's voice came from behind. "Let her come in."
    " Oh, I'm sorry," I removed my body to the drawing room, peeped out from there and with deep interest watched Lily and Anna tenderly kissing each other.
    What impressed me most of all was that Anna's hair flew up for a moment and when they it returned slowly on her shoulders I felt something entered my soul, my heart, my body, every cell of which got powerful impulse and was filled with some strange if not to say overwhelming weird energy.
    "How long you've been waiting?" Lily asked.
    "No more than ten minutes," Anna answered.
    "I was taking a shower," Lily said. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
    "Thanks, I've already had breakfast. And you?"
    "I had it in the bath."
    "Really," Anna burst out laughing. "That's nice."
    Her playful glance slipped upon my frozen face and having met my burning eyes, bounced away.
    She blushed slightly and went on talking in somewhat hurried way.

    What did she see in my eyes? Did she feel something? Did she know that she was going to ruin my life? Of the three questions I've posed right now, this last one was the best. While these questions flashed in my head with abruptness of lightnings, Lily said to Anna "I'll be ready in five minutes." And went upstairs.
    Anna seated herself on a sofa in the parlour.


    I hurried to the kitchen, loaded a tray with enormous quantity of food and rushed to Anna.
    " A little snack, please, " I babbled, feeling trembling in my knees and incredible excitement elsewhere.
    She stared at the mountain of food on the tray, looked at me and laughed heartily.

    At this point my sister, dressed in black jeans and a red jacket, entered the sitting room and declared "I'm ready!"
    Anna fluttered off the couch, and both of them laughing and joking disappeared behind the front door.
    I sat on the couch, still warm from the touch of the ass of Anna , and began to devour the food on the tray.
    I'm not able to tell you what was happening in my soul after that blessed morning visit.
    I ate all the food on a tray and I was sitting on the sofa lost in thought, remembering Anna's look, face, her movements and gestures.
    Had I drank a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have been so woozy. I waited in the living room, hoping Lily would return with Anna.  But...
    Lily came alone.
    I asked her, where was Anna, and she looking at me surprisingly, shrugged and said "She went home. Why?"
    I blushed.
    Lily looked at me point blank rather suspiciously and exclaimed, laughing "Oh, George, that's wonderful! You laid your eye on her? Ha, ha, ha. Forget about her! Do you know how many tough and cool guys are wooing her without any result?"
    "What makes you think I care about her? I don't care."
    "Okay, okay, George," she said with an ironic smile. "By the way, you know what she asked me on the way to the sunday school?" .
    " What?" I sprang from the sofa in the high degree of excitement.
    "She asked me: Is your brother imbecile?"
    I sat down slowly on the sofa with tightly clenched fists and taste of vinegar in my mouth.
    Lily, convinced that she had annihilated me totally, went to her room.

    From that moment I fell into a state of desperate longing for Anna. Day after day from morning to evening, I thought about her.

    I would go to bed with her image in my mind's eye. I could not sleep, I would rush down into the kitchen, and I violently devoured products there.
    Lily was full of scornful and poisonous sarcasm. She began storing the meal in her own room. Our parents were horrified. Every day they brought a van full of products, but every morning the fridge was empty again.

    " Where's Anna," I asked Lily two weeks after the Anna's celebrated visit.. "How she doing?"
    "You needn't worry about her, George," Lily answered with lemon kind of smile. "She's fine, you may rest assured. But you didn't follow my advice, you seem to have a crush on her, and it's a  mistake of yours."

    She gazed at me with a snake kind of grin and triumph in her shrewd gray eyes.
    What could I say to this? She told the truth.
    I was crazy about Anna, and there was no use denying it.
    " I wanna see her," I said decidedly.
    "What for?" Lily's face expressed the highest degree of amusement.
    " Just to see her...don't ask, just take it as it is."
    "It's not me, but you'll have to take it as it is."
    "What do you mean?"
    "Well, have you seen her? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you think you'll make a pair?" Lily's lips curved in contempt.
 "I know that she is a resplendent princess while I'm fat funny freak, I know it damn well, but I can't help seeing her. I'm gonna die, if you don't help me!" I cried like crazy.
  "Jesus Christ!" Lily sighed.  "Well, I can arrange for you to meet her, provided that you forget about her afterwards.. Can you promise this?"
   "Deal! I swear not to disturb her and you on that occasion anymore."
 Lily took the phone and made a call.
    "Hi, Anna, I'm going on fitness tomorrow night, will you join me? Yes, then music, guys, dancing. At six P.M. Kiss you! See you tomorrow."
    Lily hung up and looked at me. "Did you hear? Here's the address."
 Lily handed me a glossy card.
    I rushed to kiss Lily, but she shied away with disgust and said, "Remember your promise!"

    I won't bore the reader (if he hasn't yet run away from this mess, unto into which I'm trying to draw him) by description of how I didn't sleep all night and devoured the food from the fridge.
    The next day I put on my racing suit made of white parachute silk, got into the truck and went to the blessed club.
    The more I approached it, the faster my heart was pounding. I felt some sweet agonizing feeling in my spine, and my hands were sweating and became cold like frogs. I was greatly worried about this fact. I thought "If she wanted a handshake she'd feel this horrible, clammy skin of mine." And then I thought, in that case, I would kiss her hand.

    The club was very long two-story building, decorated with glittering lights outside.   At the entrance I saw Lily's car among many others.
    I parked my truck a little way off and went inside the club. I passed by two guards and walked into the brightly lit hall where music was blaring and a bunch of girls and guys were dancing fitness under the command of a fitness instructor who was a woman with perfect body, clad in black tights.
    I saw Anna at once. She was dressed in yellow tights and red shirt? Her hair were swaying and sparkling under the bright illumination. She was smiling. Everybody were was smiling.
    On seeing me the instructor exclaimed "Join the crowd and dance!"
 I obeyed. The girls made way and a moment later I was jumping vigorously among them.
    I was near my sister who touched Anna's hand and nodded at me. Anna cast a sidelong glance at me and I forced a smile when our eyes met.

    I was jumping very high because my spirit became fantastically high, when I felt the floor under my body was broken through and I fell down unto a deep dark hole. "Whoa, what happened?" I thought.
    I heard the awful screaming above me: "Are you Okay?"
    "I'm fine" I answered, touching a pile of damp cold packets packets?  "Will you help me getting out of here?"
    It was the last thing I said because I felt dizzy and I fainted.
    I woke up in a hospital ward.
    Next to me sat my sister and Anna.
    As soon as I opened my eyes, they smiled and Lily spoke hastily, "George, are you okay? You hear me?"
    I stared at Anna and mumbled "Am I dreaming?"
    "No, George, it is absolutely real!"
    "Oh God, I broke the floor in the club, there must be some consequences? Are they going to sue me or what?"
    " Oh, George!" Lily exclaimed. "You don't remember really? Dude, you are a hero! Your photo is going to be on the front pages of newspapers., The tv news are buzzing about you! The article they wrote about you has over a million hits!."
     "What are you talking about? Did you, girls, come here to make fun of me?"
    "No," Anna said. "That place, where you fell, turned out to be a basement full of drugs.
    The Rescue Service raised you up with a crane and call the police, and the cops found a ton of heroin there. The host of the club is Russian drug baron, who founded that club to disguise his actual business. He is arrested now. Congratulations, George!"
    "It's not a joke?" I asked warily.
    "Don't be fool, George," Lily interjected. "All this is true! Look!" Lily gave me smartphone and on its screen I saw the image of a huge carcass lying on a stretcher and the inscription under it "The ordinary citizen of America cracked down the godfather of mafia!"
    "Our boyfriends want to shake your hand!" Lily said.
    "What boyfriends?" I was worried.
    "Mine and Anna's," Lily winked at me. "And remember your promise!"
    "Oh, yeah," I sighed.
    Two guys entered the ward and came up to my bed. We shook hands and they came out along with the girls.
    I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
    Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me.
    I came up staggering to the bed and collapsed on it.

    I sobbed in despair and shouted "I wish I was dead in that damn basement!





                CHAPTER 4

    To tell the truth , I wasn't very upset when I was conveyed that Tommy had been taken to a psychiatric hospital .
    Or not, at first I didn't believe it. Yes, I remember now that I even laughed when Mom called and said "Come home urgently!"
    "What happened? " I asked.
    " Tommy ... " Mom sobbed. "Tommy has been taken to a psychiatric hospital!"
    " Nonsense!" I exclaimed and laughed.
    " I got a call from the hospital and they want me to come to the hospital immediately. They say that this is a matter of extreme importance. But I won't go there alone. Lily is at home. She's furious. She wants to file suit against the clinic. I can't understand what's going on. Please, come as fast as you can."
    No, I was not upset. It seemed just funny that Lily's father had been confined in a psychiatric hospital. Or curious, at least. Yep, that's the word - curious.
    I saw my own father only once from aside, so why should I bother about Lily's Dad? Yes, we have a common mother, but if you bake two cakes in the same oven, it will still be two different pies.
    You may say " This is a lousy guy, so I won't read it. "
    " Excellent," I answer, because the less people know about my abominations the better.
    I don't really care whether anybody is gonna read this scribbling.
The main thing I'm really thirsty is to ease the itchy of my festering soul.
    So, not only did I not worry about what had happened to Tommy, but more than that , I was happy. That's not a typo, and your eyes don't let you down. I was happy. Not that happy as Moses was when he heard the voice of God from the burning bush, but I was glad enough, you may rest assured.
    Judge for yourselves: everything went perfectly when it came to Lily; I tended to spoil everything whatever I dealt with ; Lily got a prize every year at dance competitions, while my novels and stories nobody wanted to read, and all in one voice were saying that my stories were kinda stupid crap; Lily was seventeen, and she had a lot of fans and every month she had a new boyfriend , and I hadn't kissed a girl yet, even though I was twenty two (OMG!); and finally, Lily was a slender beauty, while I was just a fat nasty freak.
    "At last," I thought deeply satisfied, "some shit happened to resplendent Lily."  Indeed,so far, I had been always wondering why all wordly crap should swoop down only upon my head." 
    But, of course, no sooner I passed the threshhold of our house than I turned into the embodiment of desperation, suffering, sympathy and empathy. .
    When I entered the sitting-room I saw Mom sitting on the sofa with a yellow handkerchief in her little white fingers. Her slim figure seemed stooped too much for the occassion, and somewhat frolicking thought came across my mind " What if she feels the same as I do? What if she has to pretend to be deadly upset by Tommy's isolation?"
    "No, no, George," Mom said. " Don't put off your coat, we're gonna go right now.
    Lily just finished her agitated colloquy on phone and turned to us.
    " I called one guy whose dad is the best lawyer the world ever saw and he promised me to entice his dad to handle our case, and if he does he'll knock down that damned clinic for sure."
    "Let's hurry, children." Mom said in feeble voice.
    We left the house and got into the car. Lily sat behind the wheel, Mom made herself comfortable next to Lily, I landed my enormous ass on the back seat, which reacted upon such irresistable pressure by dint of creepy lamentations.
    We drove fast, and ten minutes later we arrived to the gray five-story building, which was surrounded by a brick wall about ten feet in height.
    At the gates, which were tightly closed, a man in white robe was standing.
    As soon as we parked near the fence, he rushed to us and asked Mom.
    "You are the wife of Tommy Chickenfeld?"
    "Yes," Mom got out of the car, and added when we did the same. "That's my daughter and son."
    " My name is Jack Archibald. I'm chief medical officer of the clinic, " the man said. "Follow me, madam,your kids should wait here."
    "No," Mom answered in worried voice. "I won't go there without my children."
    "Madam," Mr. Archibald's face looked like he was eating a whole lemon without sugar and tea. " This is the matter of great importance and demands high degree of secrecy."
    " What fucking shit you're trying to cram us, dude?" Lily burst out shooting the lightning out of her eyes. "I'm his daughter and you don't want me to know what happened to my father? Are you crazy!"
    " Hold your tongue," was printed on the grey impenetrable Dr.Archibald's eyes, though he didn't even vouchsafe Lily the least measure of his attention.
    Mom turned to Lily and touched her hand. "Easy, easy, my girl."
    Mom returned her glance at the doctor and said with confidence."I won't move a step without my family. We have no secrets from each other, and all the misery and misfortunes we meet together. Either we go along, or I'll call the police."
    Dr. Archibald's face looked as if there was a crawling crab in his mouth.
    "Well, if you wish." Dr. Archibald nodded. "Follow me."
    He headed for the gate, which immediately opened, and as soon as we entered the territory of the clinic, the gates closed smoothly. We came in the building with barred windows and we followed the doctor down the hall to his office, located on the ground floor.
    Doctor's office was a room of fifteen feet long and twenty in width, with two non- barred windows, facing the tiny neat garden. Near the window stood a huge table and next to it there was a couch, on which a skinny pale man with sunken cheeks and hooked nose was sitting. His sparkling eyes were radiating excitement, anxiety, and even panic.
    When he saw us he jumped off the couch and said. " At last! Thanks for coming! "
    "Dr. Schneerson ," said Dr. Archibald, pointing to the nervous man. "Mr. Schneerson is the chief medical officer of the clinic, I mean the clinic that your husband initially visited."
    " It's another nuthouse? " I blurted out involuntary.
    " And this is the wife of our patient and their children. "Not paying attention to my remark, continued his representation Dr. Archibald. "Schneerson's Clinic specializes on women's gynecology and pregnancy."
    "What?" Mom, Lily and me exclaimed in chorus.
    " Do you mean to say," Mom said in trembling voice. " My husband went to the clinic of women's gynecology?"
    "That's right." Mr. Schneerson nodded.
    " What the hell did he want there?" Mom frowned looking quite incredulous.
    " Well," Mr. Schneerson cleared his throat, " He said that he was pregnant."
    For a minute the gloomy silence prevailed, hanging over us like a black storm cloud.
    Mom put out her handkerchief to her eyes and sobbed.
    I looked at Lily, she cast a furious glance at the doctor Schneerson and shouted " Dad never could say so! You're lying! Or you might have him confused with someone else!"
    " I'm sorry, young lady," the doctor answered very calmly. " But there's neither lie nor mistake in that case. In fact we have a videotaping, we are in habit of recording all visits.  We had many court lawsuits on false accusations before, so we came to the idea to insure ourselves against illegal pretensions of some excessively intellectual women."
    " Okay," I interfered. "Suppose, he said such a stupid thing. So what? Don't you think he was just joking."
    " Do you know that it costs a hundred dollars just to pay me a visit? Do you really think he paid hundred dollars just for the sake of making fun of me? Strange way of joking. Isn't it? And the most important part of this case is that that's the truth."
    "Would you please explain what you just said?" with an acid grin Lily addressed the doctor.
    " I feel like I must do it," Dr. Schneerson said. " At first I thought he was kidding.
    I guessed he was drunk and was trying to have a good time. I told him he turned out to be in wrong place, and I proposed him quite politely to leave our clinic immediately.
    But he persevered and insisted on being tested on pregnancy. Then it occurred to me that he was not drunk, but even worse - he was suffering with high degree of mental disorder.
    I did my best to calm him down, I put him to test and left for a minute to call to the clinic of doctor Archibald which specializes on hard cases of mental diseases. Medics arrived ten minutes later and took him to the clinic. About an hour later I happened to glance at the test result which I had neglected before and I was petrified. I could not believe my eyes: the man didn't lie, he was really pregnant. I called doctor Archibald and I arrived here momentarily. We spent a few additional tests and analyzes, and came to the final and irrefutable conclusion: your husband is pregnant, and according to our calculations in three months he is gonna give birth to a boy."
    " Yikes! That's pricey! " exclaimed Lily staring at the doctor.
    "Shoot.  How could this happen?" I mumbled wholly embarrassed.
    Mom covered her eyes with her palm, her other hand clutched her chest. For several moments she froze in this position and with a heart-tearing groan she fell on the floor.
    Lily and I carried Mom to the sofa.
    Dr. Schneerson examined Mom and said, "It's okay. She just faint. Nerves."
    A few minutes later Mom opened her eyes, tried to get up and swayed.
    "Sit down," Dr. Schneerson supported her arm and made her sit back on the sofa. "About fifteen minutes at least, you should sit quietly."
    "Are you sure about what you said about my husband?" Mom looked as if she was trying to grasp at a straw in boiling maelstrom.
    Dr. Schneerson looked at Dr. Archibald and then at Mom and said " Had we had the slightest doubt we would never have disturbed you, ma'am."
    " How do you explain this?"
    " I'm afraid at present we can't." answered Dr. Schneerson.
    "Nobody in the whole world can do it before we get some results of the researches which is to be done." Dr. Archibald added.
    "Researches?" Mom stared at the doctors.
    " Do you think we should leave this unique case without attention? That's the matter of new era of reproduction of the human species," Dr. Schneerson swaggered.
    "Tommy doesn't want publicity and does not want to give birth. He insists that he had an abortion."
    " Oh, it's very reasonable , " I chuckled. " Who would want to go down in history as a man who begot cryptorchid with three heads and a tail?"
    " Look, George, " Lily broke. " Shove your filthy jokes into your fat ass! "
    " Lily? " Mom hissed. " What do you allow yourself?"
    "But the young lady is absolutely right, " Dr. Archibald smiled gently. " In fact, no time for jokes. And we very much look forward that you will help us to convince Tommy to abstain from abortion because, firstly, an abortion at this stage of pregnancy is extremely dangerous to do, secondly, to obtain million dollars there's no way to avoid the publicity."
    "A million bucks ? " exclaimed Lily. "Doctor, can you pursue from this point in more detail?"
    "The matter is that the famous physiologist who died in the last century invested a million dollars in the central UN Bank which, according to his will, must be given to a male person who has the nerve to gave a birth to a child."
    "Wow!" Lily screamed and clapped her hands. "We have a jackpot!"
    "Decent prize for Tommy Piper," I rasped through my gritted teeth.
    "Lord," Mom pressed her palm to her forehead. "I can't believe it's possible!"
    "And meanwhile, it is absolutely real and reliable." Unctuously meowed Dr. Schneerson. " It is only necessary to Tommy to accept the issue of publicity and give birth to unique child under the supervision of the insurance company, bank and research center gynecology and physiology."
    "Now, let's go to his ward and you do your best to convince him to go through all inconveniences for the sake of a million dollars," concluded Dr. Archibald.
    The doctors led us to Tommy's ward and we peeped into, the doctors staying outside the door.
    Tommy was sleeping on the bed lying on his back and his huge tummy was moving up and down under the white blanket.
    We came up to him, and Mom bent over his grey gaunt face. His mouth was opened and his lower lip was shaking slightly as if he wanted to respond to something he saw in his dream.
    His thin white sinewy hands were resting on the blanket on both sides of the moving mountains-belly.
    "Tommy," Mom addressed him quietly. "Tommy, please, wake up." She touched his hand, and Tommy opened his eyes.
    He raised his head and stared at his wife in horror. Having cast worried glance at me and Lily, he groaned and put his head down on the pillow.
    "What did you come here for?" he moaned. " What the hell you want here?"
    "So that is why you had to be engaged in that damned business trip? You was confused by the state of your growing stomach? Where have you been all this time? And what's happening, Tommy?" Mom cried.
    "Yep," Tommy answered in coarse voice. " My belly was becoming bigger and bigger, and finally I felt I couldn't conceal the fact anymore and I invented this shit business trip.
    I rented a small and very old house in the outskirts and settled there for a while. I began to feel some movements inside my belly, kinda jerks, pushes and that kind of things, and I was so scared and... and I bought a pregnancy test in a drugstore, and ...." Tommy covered his face with his hands and sobbed.
    Mom stroked Tommy's hand, or rather his elbow.
    " You don't have to feel in such way in front of us. We are family, you should rely on us and believe that we have a great sympathy and empathy to your position. Doctor Archibald says that you're going to be rewarded a million dollars if you give birth to a child."
    "Give birth to a child?" Tommy removed his hands from his face. " What are you talking about? Do you mean I must be a subject of public attention as the most womanly man that have ever existed? Do you mean I must be scorned by all men that l exist on the Earth? Doesn't it occur to you they will make a fun of me? And again, if I became pregnant there must be the reason why, I mean intercourse of very peculiar kind. I must have been fucked! Oh, don't make such a face, darling! You know and the doctors know, and all and sundry know, and I know that you all know that most probably I must have been fucked!"
    " Tommy, please, stop being hysterical," Mom sobbed. " Tommy, please, for the sake of the children...."
    " Children?" Tommy shouted with bulging red eyes. " What the hell you brought them here for? To make fun of me? Okay, George, I used to make jokes over your tummy, now it's your turn and you may as well laugh at me!"
    "But one million dollars, Dad!" Lily's eyes sparkled. "Million bucks, while you're talking about such trinkets as masculine proud. What man, I wonder, would refuse to get such a present on such somewhat vague grounds as a man's pride? What are men supposed to be? They are hunters and defenders who provide security and the wellbeing of their family. Do you think, Dad, your refusal of taking million dollars for your family, actually, depriving your family of millions dollars, would look like you are a real man worrying and helping his family? If you abstain from taking million dollars, all the men on the Earth would laugh at you and call you stupid ass! They would say "He was not a man, because he plundered his own family!"
    Tommy's facial convulsions struggled to prevail over his will, revealing severe internecine feuds between different feelings.
    Dr. Archibald and Dr. Schneerson, who were listening to the flow of the conversation, sticking their ears to the door from the outside, applauded.
    " The girl is more worthy than the rest of the family, I'd say," said Dr. Archibald with evil grin.
    "The girl is more clever than all her family, I can tell," Dr. Schneerson nodded, noiselessly clapping his palms.
    "Dad, you will buy a yacht! " Lily pursued excitedly. " We will be sailing through the ocean as your favorite pirate Captain Flint. Thou shalt our captain and we will be proud of you. And everyone will envy us! "
    Tommy's eyes glistened, he sobbed but it were the tears of happiness.
    " Yes, my beloved , we'll go sailing," Dad said wiping the long snots forcing its way upon his chin. "Our yacht will bear the name "Jolly Roger."
    " If you wish, darling," Mom nodded looking tenderly at Tommy. "Let it be "Jolly Rogger!"
    Dr. Archibald and Dr. Schneerson entered the room, and the latter said with a soft but somewhat sly smile "Sea voyage is beautiful! But to get the money for a yacht you must give birth and admit the TV operators. So, you agree? "
    "Yes," exhaled Dad. "Welcome on Jolly Roger! Raise the sails! Full speed ahead!"
    Dad stopped and his face looked like it was dissected on halves by sudden acute pain.
    "Oh God, I'm dying! Save me!" Dad yelled, his eyes bulging.
    Mom terribly pale, jumped to him and grabbed his arm.
    "Darling!" She screamed in awe.
    "Do something!" Lily turned to doctors and looking at them point blank.
    "He's not dying," quoth Dr. Schneerson in agitated voice. "He is going  to give birth right now! Leave the ward please! Quickly, quickly!"
    We whipped out into the corridor, and Dr. Schneerson took out his phone and made a call.
    "Mister Brainwasher? Yep. We have a man who's going to give birth! ... Dr. Archibald's clinic!..What?...No, I'm not crazy!... No, the man is not mad! He got here by mistake!"
    While Dr. Schneerson was making several other calls, the group of medics came and right upfront occupied the ward.
    Dad's yells were heard all over the clinic.
    The police having arrived after the medics, blocked the entrance to the ward preventing the invasion of very excited and curious inhabitants of the clinic. The police let only TV operators and and representatives of Science Researches Gynecology and Physiology Institute peeped into the ward.
    From behind the door appeared very white faces of Drs Schneerson and Archibald.
    " Ma'am," Dr. Schneerson addressed Mom in coarse voice and cleared his throat. " We have a problem, ma'am. Unfortunately, there's no way to have one of them alive..."
    " What are you talking about?
    " What happened?" Mom and Lily shouted together.
    "He was so longing his future yacht that he began to give birth prematurely. All doctors have come to the unanimous conclusion that either the child or your husband should die."
    "I don't believe it!" Mom cried. "Really nothing can be done?"
    " Not at all, ma'am, and we're run of time!" Dr. Archibald rasped. "You want both of them died? Whom are you going to choose? Keep in mind that if a child dies, you won't get a million dollars, because the birth of dead child will be considered invalid!"
    "Mom!" Lily exclaimed. "Let's choose a child! I promise I'll take care of him!"
    "In this case, your dad is gonna die!" I remarked with a grin.
    "Shut up, you retarded fatso!" Lily hissed in my face. " Nobody cares of your opinion here!"
    " How can you speak so, Lily?" Mom stared at Lily in wild confusion.
"Do you understand that your father will die!"
    "So what?" Lily shrugged her beautiful shoulders. "Dad will die someday in any case, but only once in the life somebody offers you million dollars!"
    "Stop bickering!" Dr. Schneerson growled. "So, whom you are willing to keep alive: the child or your husband?"
    For a moment, all present froze, TV camera staring at Mom waiting.
    " Let me have my husband alive!" Mom cried desperately.
    "But why?" Lily exclaimed.
    "Because I love him!" Mom answered and sobbed.
    Everyone applauded loudly and shouted "bravo."
    Next moment Dad appeared in the corridor laughing. No huge stomach, no pain at all.
    He hugged Mom and kissed her gently.
    "Congratulations!" Dr. Archibald smiled at Mom. "You were engaged in the television show named "Million or a Husband?"
    " All this was just a joke?" Lily's nose shrinked.
    "Yes," Dad replied with a smile. "I was offered to participate in this project and I agreed."
    "So all that shit about damn pregnancy and fucking million was fiction?" Lily asked.
    " Not quite so!" Dr. Archibald said. " The pregnancy was false, but for the participation in our project Tommy Chickenfeld will get a million dollars! And this is because your mother chose your dad to stay alive, but had she chosen the million dollars, the prize would have stayed on TV account!"
    Mom, Lily and Tommy sobbed with joy, and, well,I must confess that here even I let myself a tear.
   


                CHAPTER 5

                FILTHY SCANDAL 




When summer came I got a job at the neighboring farm as an agent of manual labour. Every morning I would get up at five, I drank strong coffee, and walked to the farm of John Ram. I wasn't inclined to harness my truck because the distance to the farm was quite small, besides, it was very dangerous stunt to drive in the state of extreme sleepiness.
One morning Lily saw me from her bedroom window when I was walking to the farm, waving a bouquet of flowers.
In the evening, when I returned home, Lily sprinkled me deodorant and sat down next.
"Why?" I gasped.
"You know, George, you stink of manure."
"I worked on the farm for twelve hours in a row." I replied contemptuously. "I haven't been sitting there in front of a computer but I scraped out damn manure with a shovel instead. Behold " I showed her my palms decorated with red blisters. "
She examined them carefully, winked and said with a grin, "Well, I think the reason of it don't has anything to do with the shovel."
"What then?"
" Don't sweat, George, just kidding." Lily said with a sigh. Her blue eyes were shining brightly under her eyelids vastly toned by dint of mascara. Lily kept watching me with strange tint of sentimentality on her beautiful face.
"Lily," I said. " As far as I remember you don't like to observe me eating. Was not that term "disgusting" that you used, or rather it was "abominable", right?"
"Why flowers, George?" Lily said in a low voice.
"Flowers? Oh, gosh! Mrs Ram's birthday is today, don't you know?"
" And yesterday?"
" What about yesterday?"
"Exactly!" Lily squinted. "What about flowers you were carrying in your hand on your way to the farm yesterday?"
" What? You're spying on me?"
" You put your eye on Mr. Ram's daughter?"
"It's none of your business, Lo!" I growled.
"Not quite so, George, it concerns the prestige of our family!"
" Really? In what way, I wonder?"
" The girl, Berta, is only fourteen, George!"
" I never spoke a word with Berta," I quoted trying to sound as convincing as I humanly could. " I saw her a couple of time from far off. She never approaches the heaps of manure that I'm working in."
" That makes sense," Lily pronounced thoughtfully. "But the flowers. You've been carrying flowers every day." Lily raised her head and glanced at me point blank " Mrs. Ram? Of course! How could I be so stupid? You're courting Mrs. Ram! If Mr. Ram knows he'll kill you on the spot."
" Bullshit," I said with a sneer. "You'd rather write stories on YWO, 'cause you possess an outstanding imagination."
"Fuck your YWO," Lily hissed. " I feel much better on dancing classes." Lily sipped coffee and her lips imprinted charming kiss on a brim of cup. " Well, it's okay if you're going to bang Mrs. Ram. It's Mr. Ram's problem and he is to decide how he should regain his blighted honour."
I was fed up with Lily's chattering and began to fill my stomach with such ardour and eagerness that Lily had to retire to her room.
Two months passed in wink of an eye. Lily had not been bothering me asking about the development of my presumable relationship with Mrs Ram and I was glad that she abstained from touching this "Terra Incognito".
Autumn was approaching and I successfully completed the work on Mr. Ram's farm and Mr. Ram paid me for four months of drudgery one thousand bucks. Lily laughed when I revealed her the amount of my fee. "Mr. Ram cheated you," she said, "but you got some private compensation from Mrs. Ram, didn't you, George? By the way, I wanted to ask you, how could Mrs. Ram endured the smell of manure? I mean that this is not kinda aphrodisiac scent, isn't it?"
"Go to hell," was my answer, and Lily headed for the bathroom.
Oh, how I wish that it was the end of the story! But hell, climax, from your perspective, and bloody fiasco, according to my feeling, came quite unexpectedly.
It fell on my mother's birthday, which brought together all our relatives within the walls of our house.
Huge table was set on the front lawn under the soft rays of the autumn sun. I'm not going to enumerate the names of all those present, in imitation of Thackeray, because the epoch of extended texts has luckily passed, except to say that about twenty people attended: uncles, aunts and grandparents.
All of them gave gifts, flashing fireworks and toasts, drank, ate, laughed, in other words we all were enjoying at a full score.
When black jeep was parked near our house, at first moment nobody even did pay attention.
Only I pricked up my ears, because I knew it was Mr. Ram's car.
Indeed, Mr. Ram got out of the car and made for us, carrying folded motley blanket in his arms.
When Mr. Ram approached the table, all present turned to him and clapped. All decided that Mr. Ram brought a gift to Mom, newborn calf, because it really turned out to be a calf.
Mr. Ram put the poor thing at his feet, and with a fierce look on his face and bulging red eyes stared at the feast participants.
All those present, on seeing Mr. Ram's facial expressions, immediately came to conclusion that he came up with bad intentions, stopped applause and stared at the intruder in the state of stupor and embarrassment.
Calf, very frightened, was lying at his feet, trembling all over, and burying his face in the grass.
"What the hell is it?" cried Mr. Ram. "What the hell your asshole is doing!"
Tom got up from the table and said sternly, "Mr. Ram, try to explain your words, or I'll call the police and put forward the accusation against you for the invasion on the private territory and public insults."
" Police?" screamed M. Ram. " I'll call the police and I'll sue with you."
"Mr. Ram," Tom got paled and snarled. "What happened?"
"Your son, George, has been working on my farm, you know, cleaned barns, cared for cows and so on. Recently one of the cows gave birth to a calf and behold!" Mr. Ram shoved the calf with his foot.
"Congratulations, Mr. Ram with offspring," Tom said quietly. "But why are you so angry?"
" That's why!" said Mr. Ram. He grabbed the unfortunate calf's neck and lifted his muzzle. " Does it seem familiar to you? Who does this mug remind you of?"
All gasped. I jumped up from my chair and was I stunned: the culf's muzzle was an exact copy of my face! Its huge bulging eyes expressed horror and dismay.
"Your scumbag dishonored my cow!" shouted mister Ram and put calf's head on the grass. " And I'm not gonna be satisfied with blah blah. We'll meet in court!"
Above the desk hung a thundercloud silence.
Lily burst into hysterical laughter. "So you wore flowers for a cow?" she pronounced in convulsive voice.
Lily couldn't stop laughing, trembling all over and banging her fists on the table. One of the guests handed her a glass of water.
Mr. Ram took the calf in his arms and went to his jeep. He got in the car and drove off.
The guests were one by one getting up from the table. Having said goodbye they left hurriedly.
Soon only Mom, Tom, Lily and me remained at the table. Mom was crying, Tom sat staring at the empty plate, his hands, cheeks and lips trembling. Lily looked at me with disgust and curiosity and asked, "Well, what is it to fuck cow, George?"
"The same!"
"And..." Lily hesitated for a second. " How did you choose this cow? I mean, there's host of cows at Mr. Ram's farm...or did you choose at all?
" You bet I chose! Do you think I'm an animal? Yeah, I chose that cow because her name was Berta!"
"No!" Lily exclaimed with bulging eyes.
"Yes, the cow's name was Berta and I was thinking of... or rather I imagined another Berta when I..."
" You was thinking of Mr. Ram's daughter?" Lily interrupted me abruptly. " But didn't it occur to you that the cow was humilated?"
" By no means!" I sighed. "The cow was obviously pleased and since she demanded more and more!"
I was tired of talking and began to devour the viands that were left untouched on the table with great appetite of healthy animal ...