My rock

What I consider to be my rock is a distance between me and my parents. Even when it wasn’t this far in the past I always felt the same way. It was always really hard for me to leave my big and friendly family even for a month. I dreamed about returning home all the time. And now, when I’m so far away from my home this distance feels even worse.

Of course, everyone can say that I can just come back home to Russia and I will be happy there, but no, I won’t. It’s true that I can easily spend all my life near my mom and dad, but no one will be truly happy if it happens. It’s hard to leave your home at any age, and especially when you are 17, but it is necessary. We can’t spend the rest of our lives with parents the same way our parents can’t contain us forever. While we’re growing up we have to learn how to live alone, take care of ourselves. At the same time we should learn how to take care of our family, how to support them and always be there for people who love us.

In terms of my relationship to my “rock”, I can confidently say that it’s my strength and my weakness at the same time. Weakness - because I feel that I left a huge part of my heart in Saint-Petersburg with my lovely mom, kindest dad and my best friend. I feel it all the time, and it’s really painful. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I want to cry and scream, because a have no one around me who I love as much as I love them.  It doesn’t mean that I’m alone here. No. I have an amazing aunt and her friendly family and I’m happy with them, it’s just another type of happiness.

My “rock” also is my strength because I did it. I left my family and now I am trying to do everything that I can for my future even when I am on another continent. It’s very hard and I struggle with obstacles. It doesn’t always come easy, but as the saying goes: “What does not kill us, makes us stronger”.
Maybe not everyone thinks that I am in Sisyphus’s plight right now, but I do. I struggle all the time with myself, and I’m sure that soon I would feel free and happy, that I will go back home for a quick visit and then leave my family again. I will have to start my fight from the beginning. And it will happen over and over again. I’m like Sisyphus, who did the same work all the time, even if it looked useless and painful.

It’s hard to say on what type of the hill I try to push my rock, I guess it is something between heaven and hell. Probably the top of the hill is my adult life.  And right now I am ready to fight for that, because I know that it will happen anyway. So it’s better to struggle with yourself when everyone supports you and when you know that you still have enough time before you become an adult. At this moment, struggle is enough for me.

I’m not sure that I will be able to easily leave my family and my past behind, at least not now. But I know that one day I will push my rock up the hill without any struggle and that might be the worst day of my life.  I’m afraid it will mean that I don’t need my family as I did before. But I will always love them as much as I do now. I’m ready to push this rock up my whole life even if it gets harder and harder every time. I will be absolutely happy as Sisyphus was.