Á. Ñîòíèêîâ Ðóññêàÿ ëþáîâü ïåðåâîä íà àíãëèéñêèé ÿ

          Vasilisa said that remembered those fellows, except one.  Then I remembered that he was not with us in this village. And suddenly I saw in Mashenka’s eyes that she wanted to hear something about Genka but can’t bring herself to ask. Probably my face changed, when I said:
– Genka, with whom we have stayed at your place, serves now in Kirovobad, not yet married. – My voice fell.
Instead of joy there was anxiety in Mashenyka’s eyes. She asked quickly:
– And you?
– What about me? – I was surprised because she never addressed me by a small letter in mother’s presence.
– Married? – She asked. Her face numbed from tension, the eyes became still.
– No yet, no time for it, – I tried to turn it into a joke. And suddenly felt something soft and tender in her eyes – there again was a quiet light in them. Then I asked in order to prove my guess: –  Shall I give you Gena’s address?
– No, Grishka will quarrel, but yours – leave to mother. She likes writing letters, but has no one to write.
     Vasilisa smiled, looking at the daughter:
– Little windbag! I like to receive the letters, not to write. And then why should Lexey Ivanich write me? – Her face suddenly grew sterner. It means that she had discovered for herself the same truth, that I did. It was necessary to quickly cajole her, and I with a vehement joy said:
– I will write Vasilisa Kirillovna! I really will. I don’t promise to write often, but  when I feel lonely, I will. Now I don’t even know my exact address; I will serve somewhere in Kolskiy, near Kandalaksha .
Vasilisa also resorted to diplomacy:
– I become, like a piece of wood, by the old age, don’t hear what listen to, don’t see what look at, what letters there may be? Think about something quite different. When the soul stops being sick, then…
       Somebody knocked at the door, then it was open, and a man entered the room with a little dog, running into the room in front of him.
– Good afternoon! – he greeted everybody at the doorstep, taking off an army cap with a red cap-band from the red-haired head.
While he was lingering at the door, wiping the feet, his lean frozen dog, by the name Barbos curled itself at the heated stove and wouldn’t go out in spite of the master’s threats. Nevertheless he drove it out, and coming up to the table held out the plump, not working hand:
– Grigoriy Yeremeyev! –  Getting acquainted with me, he came up to Vasilisa, held out the hand to her as well: – Good health to you too, Vasilisa Kirillovna!
– How do you do, son-in- law. We seem to have met today Vasilisa pressed her lips.
– And it won’t be in the way, – the son-in law answered her seriously and sat down at the table, as a host.  He didn’t look for some reason at his wife Mashenka.
– “That’s what he is like, Grishka Yeremeyev! – I thought, examining the stub-nosed,  wide, simple face of Mashenka’s husband. – An ordinary man, neither bad-looking, nor good – there are thousands of such Grishkas everywhere. But to Vasilisa he is not, evidently, to the taste…”
Our conversation turned to the village news, but somehow quickly burnt out and finally stopped. No longer inspired Mashenka rolled the bread ball on the oilcloth without looking at anybody. Grishka, white, as a turnip, with the pimples on the cheeks, and not In good humor either, was gloomily silent. And if was asking something, then it was with the pretended peasant sternness, as if deciding some important collective farm business, and I felt that he was here the  master in everything and that he was almost openly not loved here, especially by Vasilisa.
Mashenka stood up. Came up to the door, behind which the dog was whining, opened it and called gently:
Come in, dear, don’t be afraid, come in!
Letting the dog in, she returned to her place and again started rolling the bread ball. Grishka, in order to seem clever, screwed up the left eye and looked at me with the stressed attention. I poured him vodka too, since Vasilisa guessed to put on the table one more glass. We drank with him a toast for familiarity, and women only sipped a little.         Grishka’s dog looked at him with the black, guilty eyes. Then it lay down on the stomach, put the head on the front paws and, casting on the master the sidelong glance, was whining lowly. Grishka also noticed it, tore off a little piece of his sausage and threw it to the dog. It swallowed it immediately and, forgiven and quite happy because of it, was about to lick Grishka’s hand, wriggling in front of him on the floor, but suddenly got on the nap, bent its head to the very floor and crawled farther –  to the oven. Everybody felt ill at ease, and Grishka, to save the situation, began asking Vasilisa, whether she was going to go to his cousin’s  wedding to the neighboring village – Lipki on the other bank of the Oka.
Learning that it won’t take place soon, Vasilisa asked me:
– Lexey Ivanich, and where do your parents live?
– It is far, – I answered eagerly, – in Kirgisia,–  I looked at Mashenka. Our glances met for a second, Mashenka blushed, lowed her head. And I thought that her husband was in the army on the reengagement service as a sergeant, but for some reason retired. The fact, that he was approximately 5 years my senior, occurred to me only now.
   As if confirming my guess, Grishka, standing up from the table and wiping his mouth with the palms, commanded:
– Well, we must be going. Seeing that Mashenka  didn’t even move, he, burning her with a glance, added: – You, Marya… don’t sit here long. If you have started washing, it is necessary to finish it.
He turned to me his white pimpled face and said good-bye with the cold animosity:
– So long…
– Stay a bit more, – I proposed out of politeness.
– No.  So long! – he repeated, looking at me with hatred. There are still many things to be done.
At the doorstep he called the dog:
– Well, a slyest dog, let’s go!..
Vasilisa  remarked sullenly:
– No more slyest than you, no need to scold the dog for nothing!..
In Grishka’s tensed back I perceived fear. – Leaving the room, he was afraid of something. Vasilisa couldn’t restrain herself:
– What kind of things? These ones?  She pointed at the bottle, standing on the table, – I know these things! The fool, preventing everything, pretends to be a wolf, having a dog’s tail!
– Mother, don’t – Mashenka asked in a low voice, without raising her read and continuing  to roll the bread ball. Then she left the table and came up to me. Perhaps, also to part with me. I rose from the table.
– Already gray on the temples…!5 years and already gray!..– she pronounced in a low voice, touching my hair with her fingers. And suddenly, not being shy because of mother and not fearing her, embraced me by the neck and thrice kissed on the lips. – Thank you!
– What  for, Mashenyka? – I asked at a loss, feeling that everything got on fire inside me, and  the unrestrained desire rose. God knows what was going on with me because of the bachelor’s life in the God-forsaken place. I was ashamed of myself.
  It was good that Mashenya knew nothing about it.
– For the deeds, – she said seriously. Putting on the kerchief and a coat at the door, she mumbled: – to paint and light words pronounce – all have learnt. Grishka too: “ Love, love!” And  where is it seen from? – Mashenka sobbed and jumped out of the cottage into the night.
– Dear God! –  Vasilisa exlaimed. – It was you, that she?.. And me, old fool…It turns out all have mixed up.  – And cried loudly about something of her own, without paying attention to me in her grief. I stepped noiselessly away from her to my valise, got the bottle from there and poured half my glass. But didn’t manage to drink – Vasilisa prevented, coming up from behind:
– This, Lexey Ivanich, you shouldn’t do! Impossible to help the grief by this, nothing to be done now… And you are still young, will be able to find a girl! But what  am  I to do  with Marya now?   With her soul she went after her father.
– And what about her father?
– She might take to extreme…
   I felt cold from these words. Yet vodka I have drunk and came out into the yard to smoke. Below, the frozen river was seen under the white moon. It seemed to me black with the bare banks. And the fields, not yet covered with snow, also were black. The shadows from bare trees were black too. The moon shone on the river aimlessly and lifelessly. And only windows, shining, as it seemed, in the dead village, reminded about life and threw on the earth a vague light, resembling the hoar-frost.
    I stood a little, listened, how a new cow was breathing in the dark barn, the wind was stirring something under the roof and, relieving myself, returned to the cottage. I felt dark at soul, like at night, and was afraid that this black night would never be over for me.
      Then I have long been sitting with Vasilisa at the table, till the lamp began to smoke. Vasilisa filled it with the gas – it burnt out. And again was telling me about her life, laying me on the daughter’s empty bed. Not merry was her life. I didn’t know, when I had fallen asleep. I only remember that Vasilisa came up to my bed, looked at me and, wrinkling her face, stepped away, blowing off the lamp on the table. It got dark.
        I slept badly, waking up often. The whole night the wind was whistling in the oven. And hardly was the day breaking, as I awoke together with the village cocks, announcing the dawn, the sounds of opening wicket-gates and bolts; the village mowed, stirred; the open little window let in the freshness of the forest, and the rare drops of rain rang on the window-sill.  The hot oven was buzzing evenly. Vasilisa had already got up. I had too, washed myself with the well’s water, had a lunch with Vasilisa and began to part. All the time I was thinking about Mashenka and her deed yesterday. I felt anxious at heart.
– God save you! – Vasilisa crossed me, seeing to the gates but didn’t leave the yard – looked, where I would go. I felt it, and that was why couldn’t turn to the Yeremeyev’s house under the iron roof, to say good-bye to Mashenya. I was aware that Vasilisa was against it, it would be indecent not to consider it.
      Full of sorrow and offence for myself, I passed all the houses and set out for the river, to the place, where the ferry was seen from afar. It would take me to the other bank of the river. There was no airfield there now, but there was a bus stop. Vasilisa told me about it. The bus will take me to Serpuhov, then – by the electric train to Moscow, Leningrad, Petrosavodsk and still further – to Kandalaksha, somewhere behind the Polar region. Life was everywhere and would continue always.   
         Mashenka with Barboska were waiting for me, when I was going down to the ferry, It was evident that they had been waiting for a long time, as the dog was all wet, and Mashenka’s kerchief and a man’s quilted Jacket were in the dew – a slight cold rain was sowing at the river. Probably because of that I had not seen them from afar, when was walking. But how glad l became, when she ran up to me and appeared in front! But I hadn’t managed to say anything – She was the first.
– Take me, take me away with you! – she whispered passionately, shivering with cold and pressing herself to my also wet military coat. – I understood all then, when you were flying away. I remembered, how we went after mushrooms to the forest. Do you remember?
– I do. I remember all.
– AlI was opened to me in the other light. It was not Gena, whom I needed. – Mashenka didn’t look at me, she looked somewhere down. I wanted to kiss her carefully but got into the temple. Mashenka’s eyes and head at once went up: – I can be the waitress there, where you serve! Whoever! If only – away from this Grishka, from this fortress!..
 
And I didn’t know what to answer her – was at a loss and kept a heavy silence.
The cold wind was still sowing.
The wet, heavy sky weighed on the shoulders.
And it was hard to breathe.
– Farewell, Mashenka!..
 She looked at me, as she did at Genka three years back Having understood something  in her own way, without realizing what she was doing, she began pulling away from under my coat a gray officer’s scarf on my neck. I read in her eyes, that she, like at that time, had no right to say something important. Only was in a hurry to own my scarf, somehow oddly  poked her face into it, smelled it, like a kitten, and, smiling pitifully, asked:
– May I take it, as a keepsake? “The white lilac!”…that one has already lost its smell. And this one will keep it long…
– Of course, take it… Do, please… – I didn’t understand her.
– Thank you, darling! I will remember you, dear, remember all my life!
– I will write to you, Mashenka, – I said somehow clumsily. – May be, something will turn up, I will write. It will be clearer, when I am at the place. At the moment I don’t know myself about the circumstances there. I can’t decide offhand…
– I understand, I do… – she said hurriedly. – I really understand all very well! Certainly, now it is impossible. As soon as you learn everything…
I became glad hearing these words. A saving relief came from them, moving away a difficult for me decision for which I was not ready. And because of the fact that Mashenka didn’t accuse me of anything, even vice versa, understood me, I felt ill at ease.. Not with my mind, but at heart I became aware that I betray her and, perhaps, deprive myself of happiness. Then I will be sorry… But I couldn’t help myself, therefore went on repeating, as winded, as if convincing not her, but myself:
– I will write to you, I will, by all means…
– Do, write, darling, please! And I would – on the wings, I… And Grishka promises to get me the passport. He also doesn’t like to stay here, in the collective farm. Ah! If only I had a passport!.. But they don’t give them, to the collective farmers, afraid that we would at once leave…
    Mashenya embraced me by the neck and began kissing – bitterly, hurriedly, as if wishing to feel like that throughout the whole life. And I again felt the unresistabledesire – probably, because of long loneliness. But what was the difference, if it disturbed me, and made be ashamed of myself. I moved away from her, so that she was unable to notice my feeling, like a beast. Looking at her unhappily and, perhaps, lovingly, I said:
– Farewell, Mashenyka!..
Evidently, with her feminine instinct she felt that I loved her and reached for me. And I dropped my head and went away from her, down to the crossing.
– God save you! – she whispered after me.
Barbos suddenly began howling – grasping with its dog’s voice by the soul. Probably, he was sorry for his mistress. And may be, felt that I would die, I am not sure. They say that dogs feel it…
I didn’t turn round. Because I knew for sure: had I turned and seen once more  Mashenka’s  unhappy eyes – something irrevocably ugly might have happened. I will return to Luzhki, begin openly live with Mashenka, and then take her with myself. Without the documents, divorce with Grishka, to whom it would be necessary to explain his right. And without the registration of my own marriage. And it is not known what  consequences there might be. How will my new authorities, whom I had not seen yet would react? Will they give us the breech dwelling?   Probably not. They would immediately raise the problem in the political department: “Perversion! Either the service in the Soviet army or co-life with the wife of the other man!” And where then to live? Perhaps, there is no even the village there, only the garrison. There was much unknown, confronting me, to be ready for such a deed. It was clear only one thing – we are not France, where the officer has a right to his own life and love. And I, being aware of all that, was not ready this time for the decisive action, for which it would be necessary to answer with my own and the other person’s fate. I didn’t turn round. I only began to experience a sharp heartache – I felt it in my chest
“Deeds! – I thought bitterly about Mashenka’s yesterday’s words. – What will she think about me now?..”
The rain got stronger and now slashed. The cow was mooing somewhere. I saw it behind the cart to which she was tied with a rope, like Masha to her collective farm and  village. The horse lay heavily into the collar and drew after itself the overloaded cart on the sand, leaving the deep trail from the wheels. God! How hard it is for all of us in this world! Especially in Russia.
I turned round only on the ferry, when it moved, and there appeared water between the wooden planking and the bank. Mashenka was standing on the hillside, poured with rain. The stripe of water between the ferry and Mashenka’s bank was growing wider, and I suddenly understood that it was the fate, that drew us apart. This time – forever. My face went stony.