H. The death of Hercules

       As the song says, kings cannot marry for love. Ordinary people - yes, but the kings- never. Here, you know senior political or, more importantly, financial considerations come into force. Therefore morganatic marriages of kings were very common, that’s why there was a bad heredity among them.
       Calydonian king Oeneus was short, that’s to say, a meter with the crown. But Oeneus was rich. Beautiful were the fat cows grazing in the meadows, gorgeous were the cities with countless palaces, fountains and squares. Calydonia had a numerous population. The residents loved their king, calling him father of the people. But. This nasty particle "but" always adds a spoonful of tar in a barrel of honey. Moreover, except the fact that the king was of small stature with a vivid resemblance to Napoleon, he was also ugly like Quasimodo. But this is not enough.
Deianira, the only daughter of the king, was also of small stature, bandy-legged and ugly. What to do, it’s genetics. Science, which Oeneus knew like did no one else, in the area was known as a great scholar, an author of monographs and scientific articles. Yes, there were old senior scientists, combining politics with science and Oeneus was one of them. When Deianira was twenty years old, father thought deeply about her fate. And not so much about her fat, as for the fate of his generation, as except for bandy-legged no one else could give him a grandson. Therefore, he should take care of decent kinship. That's why genetic considerations took precedence over political and financial- the king longed to strong, healthy and beautiful grandson.

For Oeneus was quite clear that no royal sons couldn’t be accepted for kinship, so he came up with a very unique thing – organized fighting competitions, and as the first prize promised his daughter and the kingdom, but stipulated that only after his death. Since the stakes were high, then strongmen, athletes and other heroes from around the world flocked to Calydon. There came Olympic champions, winners of world championship of boxing, wrestling and weightlifting, fighting without rules. There were even stars of american football and some of the gods, among which was standing out the son of Proteus, the river god Achelous. We should discussthis character specifically. He had growth of two and a half meters and weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, Achelous had no grams of fat–just solid muscles. None of the athletes could catch up with him from the perspective of physical data. In preliminary competitions Achelous was to fight with a sumo wrestler from faraway Japan, the champion Hakuho Komutosuki, weighing four hundred thirty pounds. Achelous was offered to fight with the Japanese in his own rules, refusing, however, traditional bows and squats.
As soon as the battle started, the Japanese wanted to apply chiyotaikai- a very difficult push evasion, but Achelous grabbed the fighter from his belt, raised him with one arm above his head and threw him into the river. The audience was shocked and athletes simply refused to fight with him.
       On the way home, after another series of feats, in the local newspaper Hercules read the announcement about the competition of fighters. As the hero was not married at the time, of course, became thoughtful.
 - After all, thirty-three years, tree-stick. Christ's age, but not married yet. It's time to settle down, hold a family, children, get some post kind the Minister of Defense of some king, not have just solid feats. I’m tired. Look, dad keeps silent about immortality But he had promised.
With such thoughts Hercules took a ticket of economy-class, took the train and arrived in Calydon. There he took part in the competition and, just as Achelous, won early victories. And then the final fight. The Arena of the indoor stadium the capital was filled to capacity. One by one the kings came from the neighboring countries, and bookmakers took crazy bets. The majority thought that Achelous would be the winner. After all, he is a God- thought the crowd.
Achelous was standing grinning like a lump.
  - Hey, you, who are you, Hercules, or who? They say that your father was the great Zeus himself? But I do not believe. I don’t believe and that’s all. I think that your father is a mere mortal scavenger in the outskirts of Athens, that's what. And your mother is not Princess Alcmene, she is the wife of a scavenger, ha ha-ha.
Clearly, Hercules was offended and with all his strength cracked Achelous on the head. Now Achelous got angry and attacked him. Hercules grabbed Achelous’s mighty hands and began to choke. More and more squeezed his grip. The bones of the God already started to crackle. Achelous yelled:
- Let me go, murderer, it hurts..
  - Are you giving up, you moron?
  - Yeah, just let me go.
Great honors were waiting for the winner. Seven days and seven nights there were festivities to the honor of Hercules in the capital. On the eighth day the king showed him a contract under which he King Oeneus, in the case of his death the inheritance of the kingdom passes to his son-in-law, Hercules.
To celebrate, the couple ran to the registrar, checked in and decided to make a picnic tкte-а-tкte on the river bank, where they were the defeated Achelous was invited. The newlyweds went to the river and saw with dismay that someone stole the wooden bridge, so getting to the other side of the river, under the shadow of the alluring olives was problematic. Then out of nowhere a hefty centaur approached them and snickered with his thick bass.
- My name is Ness. Centaur Nessus. I’ve heard a lot about you, Hercules . Let me also give you a favor and forward your wife, the beautiful Deianira to the other side to keep her white legs clean. (In fact, the girl's legs were tanned and hairy). And then I'll come back and take you.
 - Hercules was pleased.
 - Well, I accept your service.
He sat his wife on the broad back of the centaur and started to follow how deftly and quickly swims Ness across the river. Here he is on the opposite bank. But what is it? Sprinted at full speed centaur started to jump.
 - Ah, so what you are- cried angrily Hercules - You fucking mutant, you don’t know with whom you are dealing.
Rang the arrow, shot at a tremendous speed, pierced through the neck of Nessus from which a Half-man-half-Horse - rolled on the grass. Centaur knew that the arrows of Hercules were full of Lernean Hydra’s poison and just one and a half minute was left him to live, so he decided to finally make something sneaky.
- I was wrong, Deianira, but I’ll expiate my sin. Take a jar and collect two milliliters of my blood. Add preservative tablet there – it’s in my right pocket. If once you suspect your husband of infidelity, soak his clothes with this blood.
While Hercules was crossing the river, Deianira managed to fill the jar, threw a pill into it, rolled up and hid it. Hercules did not see anything and as if nothing had happened they made a picnic, and in the evening they returned to the palace.
       A day later Hercules was tired of his wife, a week later – of the kingdom , a month later- of the well-fed life. He wanted feats. And here, by the way, arose a great turmoil. The popular intrigante Gaia, the goddess of the Earth started a revolution. To do this, without anyone's participation Gaia secretly gave birth to one hundred fifty-two giants and ordered them to overthrow the Olympian gods. The Giants were ugly – growth was about twenty feet, weigh was of seventy hundred pounds, uncombed, unshaven, exceptionally stupid, but incredibly strong. But this is not enough. These creatures were invulnerable to the gods- so here Gaia did her best. Fortunately the gods could still kill the giants, but this could be done only by someone mortal. Hercules sat calmly in the evening at the Philharmonic with Deianira and listened to a concert for two lire of the Orchestra Stravinsky, when a loud whisper was heard.
- Hercules, Hercules, leave for a minute.
Hercules apologized to the audience and left. Before him stood Athena herself, the Goddess, who was usually calm, but for now she looked worried.
 - What has happened, Athena?
 - Trouble, Hercules trouble. Olympus is attacked by some giants. Do you know them?
 - Absolutely not.
 - These creatures are even higher than the Titans. And you know, nothing kills them, neither Poseidon’s trident, nor daddy’s lightning.
 - What shall we do?
 - Only you can help us. Only mortal can hit them. But we must hurry up, until that fool Gaia hasn’t found antidotes against us.
 - Okay, I just need to say goodbye to my closest ones.
At first the father-in-law did not believe Hercules, thinking that he simply wants to escape from her daughter. Deianira, in her turn threw a tantrum. The case became dangerous. But then Athena got angry. Philharmonic’s building shook, the musical instruments in the hands of musicians turned into a bottle of Coke, and lights on the chandelier lit blood-red. The king was afraid.
 - Forgive us, great Hercules. We won’t dare to detain you any longer.
Deianira tried to grab the lion's skin for Hercules, but the king slapped her across the face .
 - Fool! Don’t you see that the country is in danger? Run, Hercules with the shield or on the shield.
Athena and Hercules transported to northern Greece, where giants launched their attacks.
 - Finally- sighed Zeus with relief- welcome son.
 - So glad to see you- with feigned smile turned to him Hera.
 - Olympians, watchful! - Ordered Zeus - Prepare weapons.
There appeared the giants. They were divided into three columns. The central one was led by the most powerful and ferocious giant - Alcyoneus. In addition, he was invulnerable to the gods, so he also was gathering strength from the earth, like Antaeus. The battle boiled. Hercules knocked down Alcyoneus for several times, but he rose again and again to fight, stronger than before. FinallyHercules lifted the giant on the shoulders and took him to the neighboring Serbia, where he strangled him. Returning the hero saw how the hairy monsters were displacing the gods. Indeed, the lightning bolt of Zeus or Poseidon's trident or arrows of Apollo did not help. Hercules ran to Zeus.
 - Dad, throw at them your lightning, and let them fall on the ground, and I’ll kill them.
Things went like a clockwork. Zeus threw a lightning at a giant lost consciousness for a few seconds at this time Hercules ran up to him and shot from the bow to either the heart or the eye. The other gods liked the tactics, too. Apollo shot the giant in the left eye, and Hercules ran up and threw a poisoned arrow in the right eye, causing the giant die with screaming.
A few hours later the battle ended with the complete victory of the Olympians. In honor of this a grand banquet was arranged, and then dances were followed. The feast lasted for a week, but didn’t have a funny end. Dionysus invited nymphets, satyrs and other Dryads, so that the gods were completely delayed. And here something unpredictable happened. One of the nymphs told his friend Achelous about the junket, who, delighted by the possibility of revenging Hercules, reported this to Deianira. The queen, naturally, remembered the magic pot on from the blood of the centaur and soaked her husband's favorite shirt, sent it to him with a messenger. Of course, Hercules put on the shirt and died in agony. Gods were shocked and at the general meeting they decided to grant immortality to the hero, and at the same time to marry him to the beautiful Hebe. Evil tongues say that the gods simply needed a reason to continue the feast. It’s true or not, remains a mystery. The fun, however, immediately resumed with renewed vigor. And Deianira? Nothing dangerous. Dad called the chief of the passport office and told them to delete the marriage in the record book, meanwhile present a new passport to Deianira. And, the Minister of Sport was ordered to arrange another competition.