From M to J

J,

It’s been roughly five years since the last time we spoke.  Five years since I’ve come home to find that letter on the floor. Five years since I’ve stood at the kitchen, a letter in hand, a knife in another, desperately breathing in the air, that was filled with the scent of your favorite perfumes, terrible thoughts running through my head.

It was tempting, you know. Just end it all right there, in one single stroke. I remember the struggle that was inside of me. Remember slowly raising the knife to my throat… and then pulling it back. I remember cutting my wrist and then stopping just an inch away from the vein. It lasted for ever, but then YOU saved me. As you always did my entire life. It wasn’t much. Just something you said once, a single phrase, which managed to break through the fog in my mind, like sunshine on a cloudy day. And that was just enough to pull me back from the edge.
 
“Every life is sacred – it’s not our place to judge who is worthy of living, but it is our duty to find a meaning and purpose of it”

Stupid, simple, sentimental phrase, and yet… Something about the way you said it, the way I remembered it – there was something that got through to me.

So I dropped the knife. I’ve burned the letter (though I still remember every single word of it) and a stupid bean bag chair, I’ve sold my apartment and everything that was in there, I’ve moved to another city, I’ve found a job and I’ve tried hard to find some meaning in my life.

It was hard. It seemed freaking impossible at first, but as I dragged myself from day to day, it just kept getting better. There were some rough bumps along the way, sure. I did drugs, but then cleaned up. I’ve got promoted, but then… My parents died. I was so close to using, but then I remembered your silly junk food addiction and how you told me that those stupid mint candies were the only thing that stopped you from cramming yourself up with chips. It’s weird, but they helped me somehow, they really did.

I have found a girl. I am going to propose to her, I really think she is the one. Our relationships were not the easiest, but we pulled through. And funny thing is, it was also because of you. I thought my ordeals somehow changed me, but once again I started turning into a pig you once left behind. But I stopped. After one of the fights, I looked at myself and remembered your letter, realized how wrong and stupid I was.

I am still trying to change. Funny, how deep some habits sink into your soul, making a fight against them a living hell. But I am changing, slowly becoming a better person, and it’s all because of you.

I always loved you. After all this time, I still do. You came into my life, and then walked out of it, leaving a blazing trail, a searing wound, filled with memories and regrets, that somehow helped me through all this years. You have made me. You have helped me find purpose, and meaning. You have created a better person out of me. You have given me hope, when there was none left.

The only thing I regret, that I didn’t get a chance to tell you how sorry I am. For the terrible person I was, for all the awful things I did, for the disgusting habits I had and didn’t even try to get rid of.

And most of all – how sorry I am for the terrible car accident, just a couple of miles away from our home, that left this world without your light. I wish I could have done something, seen you leaving and stopped you, saved you, saved us… But I can’t now. This letter on your grave is the only thing  I can do to show you how grateful I am for all the good you brought to my life and how sorry I am for the choices I’ve made.

I don’t know if there is some sort of life after death, if you will get this message, if you even care… But I want to believe that my words will reach you, and you are smiling right now, somewhere in heavens, looking over me as you always did.

Forever yours, M.