The Devil has my mother s eyes

I was puzzled. The smell was getting stronger and stronger as the sun rose. I wish it had some effect on me as well, but it only seemed like one of those artificial plastic decorations – looks like sun, but doesn`t heat at all. My hands turned into two pieces of ice as I was sitting there, watching the dead rat in front of my feet. Hands and feet are the hardest. I can put a dozen sweaters but how many gloves and woolen socks can I put, before my limbs turn into fat useless bulks? Not too many, I suppose.
I was pondering over the rat`s death cause, when Mrs. Oh Dear, the landlord, came along wearing a sleeveless shirt. I could see drops of sweat running between her breasts.
“Oh dear, - she started, - aren`t you hot?”
I bet she didn`t see me rolling my eyes. Or maybe she did. Maybe she does all the time. Maybe she came here thinking “Oh dear, there is Mr. Eye-Roller again”.
 I preferred not to answer. She didn`t wait for me to answer either. She saw the rat. Her eyes rounded and lips trembled as if she wanted to say something. I knew exactly what she was going to say.
“Oh dear!”
I didn`t see such a disgust on her face since last year, when I showed her my collection of blood samples with highly contagious viruses.
“I was wondering what happened to him, - I said, although I knew Mrs. Oh Dear wouldn`t really care, - He is very small. Must be a kid. He looks like he died from fear or something. Like he was running all the way up here. Running from a cat, I guess. Look at his eyes.”
 You should have seen Mrs. Oh Dear`s eyes when I said that. She looked at me as if I was crazy. The way a woman like Mrs. Oh Dear would look at kind of guy who`s been watching a dead rat for half an hour. A kind of guy, who keeps a bunch of highly contagious viruses in his room.
“We have to clean the place! – she squeaked, - Oh dear, do you even know how many infections…”
I stood up. Mrs. Oh Dear was nearly half of my height. In fact, most of the people were nearly half of my height. I threw a shadow on her face. She shrank up even more, when she saw me impending on her, blocking the sun. I could read fear in her eyes. I could hear screams in my head.
 “Go away! You`re blocking the sun!”
I sighed. That`s who I am. A sun-blocker.
“I`m late for work”, - I said and without further explanations left Mrs. Oh Dear alone and in a very bad mood.
***
I was late indeed. When I arrived a cold vibe ran all over my body - the air conditioners were on. I put my hands inside of the sweater`s sleeve and bowed my head trying to get warmer. Walking like that, I almost ran into Dr.Wanna-Hear-Something-Funny. I thought I knew what he was going to say. But I was wrong this time.
“You have a new patient, – he said passing me the patient`s card, - he is in 404th” Reluctantly I put out my hand from the sleeve and immediately felt the touch of cold air. I looked through the card and opened my mouth in astonishment. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Plague?” – I didn`t have plague samples in my collection. But I was dying to get one. 
“Yeah, and it`s pretty bad. Was left without treatment for too long. He`s probably not gonna make it, but you`ve done some miracles haven`t you?”
“Let me see” – I said, watching more closely the patient`s card - “I`ll go check him”
The guy`s name was Chris Gunzburg. It couldn`t be a coincidence. How many guys called Chris Gunzburg could live in our town? I was sure it was him and I recognized him the moment I entered his room. He looked older – he should, thirty years have passed. He had a beard, bunch of wrinkles near his eyes, a golden tooth in the front line. But apart from that, he hardly changed.
He didn`t know it was me. Half of my face was hidden with a mask. Besides he had a very strong fever. But even if he didn`t he still wouldn`t know it was me. I wasn`t someone he would remember.
“Got yourself a rat bite?” – I said, taking a syringe and approaching to him. I took some blood from his vein. I don`t think he heard me. I don`t think he even knew there was someone else in the room.
I put the blood sample in my pocket. I didn`t need any tests to know that he was bad, but not fatal. And I knew exactly what could save him.
“You`ve got plague, Chris, - I said, knowing he cannot hear me, but still not able to stop myself from talking, -You should have known better, Chris. You should have stopped chasing the rat.”
I prepared a medicine for an injection.
“You should have left the rat alone.” – I said, bending over him.
His eyes suddenly cleared and he looked directly at me. I smiled, and pressed the syringe.
***
I always have my cigarette at two o`clock, right after I the lunch. I come to this secret place, between the second and the third floor, where no one ever goes, especially after they installed elevator in the building. There was a huge “No smoking” sign made of cardboard, which was all covered with cigarette burns. My cigarette burns. It was my sign, my lifetime countdown. Every hole – a day taken from my life. Until it all burns out.
     I inhaled and puffed out rings of smoke.
“Go away, you`re blocking the sun.”
Mrs Radzinsky`s voice has been sounding in my head for years already. She used to be my teacher. And she hated me. More than me, she hated only my mother.
Mrs Radzinsky was married to a type of guy you can find in any pub – chunky, dumb and abusive. The guy, who bought me my first trip to hell.
     I don`t know what was the guy`s name, In fact I only encountered with him twice. First, when he came to our house one day, that`s to say, to a small apartment my mom was renting for two of us. I only saw a glimpse of him, when my mom opened the door. She closed it immediately. But he didn`t want to give up. He knocked for several hours on, shouting things that didn`t make sense to me then. They do now.
     The second time I met him, was when I came from school once and found him impending over my mom. Throwing a shadow on her face. Blocking the sun. He was a sun-blocker too.
His hands were on my mom`s neck. My hands were reaching the knife on the kitchen table. Then his hands were not on my mom`s neck anymore. They were struggling with the air as my hands, along with the sharp blade, laid on his own neck.
He didn`t move. His lips turned blue. It felt like my heart was going to jump off my chest. The power ran in my veins, I felt it filling my body with fire. I felt it warming me. It was great. I was strong. I fought. I won. I saved.
She was crying. She looked at me, her eyes wide open, and somewhere deep in them there was a swamp of fear. It was viscous. Paralyzing. Unbearable.

The cigarette has almost burnt out. I put it to the sign and made another hole.
“Jeez, aren`t you a vandal”, - said the voice behind my back.
Dr. Wanna-Hear-Something -Funny was approaching me with a smile.
He stopped in a couple of steps in front of me, his hands in pockets, his feet swinging forth and back.
“Ahem, - he said, cleaning his voice, - the guy from 404th… I know you tried, but you`re not omnipotent, you know… Sometimes people die…It`s not your fault”.
I put off the cigarette. My hands were out for too long. I couldn`t feel my fingers. I couldn`t feel my toes.
There was a minute of silence. Then he said what I was expecting him to say.
“Let`s cheer up, doc. Wanna hear something funny?”
I didn`t say anything. It has never stopped him though. It didn`t stop him this time either.
“One day God sent an angel to the hell for a business trip, - he started, sounding pretty solemn, - When the angel arrived there, everything was just wonderful. The hell had all the beauty, all the hidden power, all the pleasure that he has never seen or felt. So when the angel was back to heaven he was still under the impression. And when God sent him there for another business trip he was absolutely happy. This time it was even better – it seemed like a dreamland where he was a king. So when angel came back to God he was determined to ask him to live in hell forever. The God was surprised, but, as long as the angel truly wished it, he didn`t want to stop him. So the angel packed his things and went to live in hell. And as soon as he arrived, the devil pierced him with his claws, tied him up and burnt him there over and over again”.
I was watching my hands. The nails were turning blue. I really regretted I left my gloves in the lab.
“The angel was in pain and very desperate, - he continued, - and he asked the devil “What happened to this place? It was so wonderful the two times I came…” “Don`t you ever confuse tourism with immigration” – said the devil, laughing.”
 And Dr. Wanna-Hear-Something-Funny laughed loudly, thunderously, as if acting the devil`s part. And I just watched my blue nails as his laughter echoed around.
“Heard it from a guy in the bar yesterday, - he said,  Just cracked me!”
I smiled.
“Maybe the angel didn`t burn. Maybe he froze,” – I said.
Dr. Wanna-Hear-Something-Funny looked at me with an expression of surprise. Then he shrugged.
“You better go home… Ahem… Rest a while. Not every day you lose a patient.. Ahem…. See you tomorrow, man”.
He left and I stayed there for a while trembling from cold and staring at my life countdown sign. Then I rushed to it, and took out my lighter. The flame was blue – the beautiful kind of blue. The kind of blue, I saw so many times. The color of my nails. The color of my mother`s eyes. The color of my father`s lips. Deep-deep blue.
I was watching my life burning on the wall and it was beautiful. I watched it until the last piece of cardboard turned black and fell on the floor making a pile of ash. And soon there was nothing left on the wall. But it was still cold. It was still cold as hell.
***
It was raining. I was walking back home, my teeth chattering and skin covered with Goosebumps. I hate rain. I always did.
Mrs. Radzinskie`s shrilly voice kept sounding in my head, going on louder and louder until I couldn`t hear anything else, not even the rain drops breaking on the concrete sidewalk.
Go away, you`re blocking the sun! Can`t help it, huh? You`re just a useless bastard! A stupid gigantic freak! You`re just like your mother, aren`t you? She is a filthy rat that will die in jail. And you will end up the same!
Her voice has mixed with other voices, making a chaos inside of my head.
His mom is in jail? She is a murderer! Look at him. Where are you going? You can`t run away from us! You can`t run, you rat! Catch him, Chris!
My lungs were burning. I realized I was running, but I couldn`t stop. The voices in my head were haunting me. The rain was pouring as strong as it did that day. I couldn`t see where to run. I didn`t know what to do.
Come here, Paul! I got him!
I sat in the mud, letting cold rain soak into my body. I buried my head in my hands.
Everything hurt. My arm was broken. My nose bleed and I could feel the iron taste of blood inside of my mouth. I was cold. I was lying under the rain for God knows how long. The dream was calling for me. So sweet... So desirable… So far from all this madness… I closed my eyes.
“No!!!”
A scream, a desperate painful scream forced into my consciousness. She was back. She was here.
Her eyes, her blue enormous eyes, two infinite lakes of fear, were pouring tears. The rain was washing them away, but I felt them anyway. They were dropping on my face, mixing with my blood, nipping my wounds. Hurting me more…
My throat was stiff. I tried to speak, but I could only whisper.
I`m sorry… I`m sorry... I`m sorry…
    There she was, crying again. Watching me lying in the mud. Watching me covered with blood. Watching me with those eyes…
Mom…Mom… It`s okay.
                ***
The rain clouds blocked the sun and soon it was gloomy. When I arrived back home, the rat wasn`t there anymore, but Mrs. Oh Dear left half a dozen of disinfectants in front of my door.
I was soaked to the skin. I could hardly move. This coldness was driving me crazy. It wasn`t the room… It wasn`t the rain… It was my blood. Cold as death. Cold as hell.
I put my hand in the pocket and took out the Chris Gunzburg`s blood sample. I took a piece of paper and wrote down his name, his age, and the virus he had. Then I brought it to the shelf trying to find a nice place for it in my collection. And there it was, right in the center. It looked fantastic. On the left from it, there was a blood sample of Mrs. Alice Radzinsky, 68, consumption. On the right – Paul Mayfield, 42, AIDS.
I lay down on the bed without taking off the clothes. I was wet and dirty, and I was shaking from cold. I couldn`t force myself to move. I was burning. The same way the skin burns when you step barefoot on snow. The way it burns, when you put your hands in ice water. The way it burns when the devil looks at you, beckoning you to come closer. The dream was calling for me. So sweet... So desirable… So far from all this madness… I closed my eyes.
And there he was. Piercing me. Burning me. Watching me with tears… Dropping them on my wounds… Hurting me more. He was the devil. The master of temptation. The king of the hell. The fear itself. And he had my mother`s eyes. My mother`s blue enormous eyes.