The Ministry of Great People. English translation

A tad disheveled and pale as a piece of chalk he was nervously walking down the hall and squinting his eyes at the door signs. He wanted to become great so badly but every now and then butterflies in his stomach would make him doubt levels of his greatness. Finally! There it was. The door he’d been looking for. Very carefully pressing the door handle down and…

CANDIDATE: Hi… there (nervously) I… I would like to see the Minister. I was thinking… Well I want to become – 
SECRETARY: Great.

Secretary finished the sentence for the man without looking at him.
   
SECRETARY: Naturally. Everyone wants that. Well everyone who comes to us anyway. The Minister never sees potential candidates himself. He’s too great for it. So I’ll handle you if you don’t mind of course (sarcastic).
CANDIDATE: That’s… Absolutely! Of course! I mean I wouldn’t dare to disagree. How could I? That wouldn’t be very humble of me (sitting down). You see I have this idea to create- 

As soon as Secretary heard those words she stopped writing and looked at the Candidate.

SECRETARY: Excuse me. What did you just say?
CANDIDATE: What? 
SECRETARY: We haven’t even started yet and already you are ruining the first impression. Not humble? Humble! You think being humble will help you become great? I’m sorry but it’s either one or the other (pause).  Fine. I’ll let it pass for now.
CANDIDATE: Oh Thank you! Gosh! Sorry! Thank you! I… I actually am not that humble at all. The opposite actually.  In fact sometimes I can be very arrogant and obnoxious when in the mood.
SECRETARY: Obnoxious? Well it helps sometimes but don’t overuse it.
CANDIDATE: Got it.
SECRETARY: Also the way you’re dressed.
CANDIDATE: What about it (looking at himself/pause). Oh that. Funny story the shirt that I was going to wear today got – 
SECRETARY: It’s too neat.
CANDIDATE: Hah?
SECRETARY: It’s too damn neat! What are you a school girl! Be messier! You are great for crying out loud! You don’t have time to iron your shirts! Got it? (pause/calms down) I like your hair though. Very Alan Alda. Tres chic. Good job.
CANDIDATE: Oh. Thank you! That makes sense. I think. I’ll keep that in mind (pause). In fact there (rips his shirt). How about that! Ha. What do you think?
SECRETARY: Brilliant. (calm/indifferent)
CANDIDATE: Thanks. But what I really wanted to tell you about is my project. Recently I’ve been working a lot on– 
SECRETARY: Later. All of this later. We don’t have time for it right now. You better tell me this. Do you drink?
CANDIDATE: On very rare occasions. You know Birthdays or New Year’s maybe.
SECRETARY: I beg your pardon. Come again. You don’t drink! This is… This is too much! I can’t work like this! Infuriating!
CANDIDATE: That’s bad?
SECRETARY: Terrible! You have to drink! You must! The more the better. Ideally go on binges. 
CANDIDATE: Wow. I had no idea.
SECRETARY: You thought it was easy to be great. You have to remember the more bad habits you have the greater you are. It’s a law. You’ll have to smoke too by the way.
CANDIDATE: But it’s all so unhealthy. Is there any way I could not do any of them?
SECRETARY: Not a chance! It’s a mandatory requirement. It’s the only way other great people will recognize you as one of them. And that would be your main test. Because once you’re in – you’re in.
 
Candidate is zoning out. He’s just sitting and staring at the wall without saying anything.

SECRETARY: Now tell me this. What is your thing?
CANDIDATE: Thing? You mean what I do for work?
SECRETARY: Here we go again. You and your work. Let it go already. Once you become one of us you’ll have to anyway. No, your thing! Like a dirty story from your childhood that made you who you are. Or maybe you’re collecting little troll dolls and shave them bald. Or maybe you can eat only food of a certain color. Maybe you’re a vampire!
CANDIDATE: I don’t…
SECRETARY: Don’t worry we’ll think of something. Here are some pictures of our candidates before and after.
CANDIDATE: Yeah, that’s great but…
SECRETARY: Exactly! Great! We are very proud.
CANDIDATE: Sorry. I was just thinking.
SECRETARY: Don’t do it too much. Nothing good usually comes out of it. Also don’t forget from time to time to say something shocking to regular people. They love it! And -
CANDIDATE: Can I ask you a question. Are you happy here doing what you do and being who you are now?
SECRETARY: What? What a stupid question.
CANDIDATE: Are you happy?
SECRETARY: I’m… I’m better than happy! I’m great ok.
CANDIDATE: (smiles) That’s right. I just realized I shouldn’t have come here.
SECRETARY: Oh. Save it. Don’t even try to explain. I knew it from the very beginning. As soon as I saw you I knew you wouldn’t become great. But the Ministry of  Regular people or as we call them the Ministry of Sheeple. People Sheeple. Get it? (chuckles) Probably not. Anyway it’s down the hall. Third door to your left. It’s very easy to miss though. Because it’s nothing special. Just like you.
CANDIDATE: I appreciate it but I’ll try without Ministries this time. I have work to do. Have a great day. No actually have a happy day for once. You might like it.