Smartass

In a quiet summer day on a quiet Odessa street, on old mahogany chairs, standing at the yard of old house with a red roof, quietly sat two old Jew, Isic, and Yankel. But if you thought the roof was also made of mahogany, all Odessa, including red cat Taras Bulba, who never laughed, will laugh out loud. The roof of this old Jewish house was covered with old rusty iron, painted in red. And as you might have thought that this roof is also made of mahogany?! So, two old Jews, as always, talked for life, as it is customary in Odessa..
"You remember Isic, the famous «skripach” (violinist) Leonid Kogan?" asked Yankel.
«I don't remember, the famous “skripach” Leonid Kogan, but I remember well the famous shchipach (pickpocket) Benya Crick, who  brilliantly liberated from the pockets of suckers puffy purses.  I remember one story...." said Isic, but Yankel interrupted him.
"Isic, how many still you can try to look a complete idiot! Stop making waves! I'm going to tell a clever story about the famous violinist Leonid Kogan, and you come with your stupid story behind this pickpocket Benny Creek! So look here, Isic  Or I will  tell you the story for Leonid Kogan, or  I will not say a word more!
“Calm down, Yankel, go ahead and tell after “shchipacha” Leonid Kogan!” - good-naturedly replied Isic.
"For the  “skripacha”, Isic! For a violinist!" - corrected a friend Yankel.
"Well, for the violinist, if it is two big differences!" agreed Isic.
The old Jew Yankel grunted contentedly and began his story:
"Well. When the boy Lenya Kogan was only 23 years old, he had found a way to win in the international competition of the world youth festival in Prague. For this victory Lenya Kogan was waiting for a big reward, which he must get  in Moscow from the hands of Kalinin, the head of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR. Before  let Lenya go to Kalinin to the award ceremony, his mother, who sat in the hall, strictly told him: "As soon as you get a reward from Kalinin, so immediately tell him very loudly: "Grandpa Kalinin, come and visit us in our small utility room!" Well, since Lenya was an obedient Jewish boy, he as soon as he approached Kalinin, cried loudly "Grandpa Kalinin, come and visit us!". Grandfather Kalinin a little confused, but mom Lenya  Kogan kept her head and very loudly shouted from the audience: "Lenya, what are you talking about? We live in a communal small room and not anywhere else! How can you invite  grandpa Kalinin in such squalor!"
Yankel slyly looked at Isic and asked:
"And what do you think for it, Isic? How it ended?"
"I shudder to think what it could have ended at those times," said Isaac. Gulag?"
"You're right, Izik, it is terrible to think, but Leonid Kogan received a large separate apartment, and already on the next day!"- cried Yankel, as if he himself gave the apartment to Kogan.
" And grandpa Kalinin came to visit Lenya Kogan?" - asked Izic.
"Izic, are you an idiot, or you want to look like an idiot? asked Yankel. - Well,  really grandpa Kalinin was a bit crazy to go on a visit to poor Jews? It is better to  donate an apartment!”
"You're right as always, Yankel. - agreed Isic and added,- Do you want I'll tell a story about the parrot Fima?"
"And this is a clever story? - seriously asked Yankel. - You know, I don't like stupid stories!"
"Yet how clever! This parrot Fima was a real a wise boy!" - assured friend Isicc.
"Well, tell your smart story for a parrot Fima" agreed Yankel.
And Isшc proceeded to the story:
"One lady, I think her name was Zusya, came to the pet shop to buy a talking parrot. The seller showed her a large parrot in a big cage and said it was the smartest talking parrot.
"And what does he talk?" - asked the lady Zusya.
"Oh! This parrot, named Fima, is indispensable for the reception of guests! When to you, Madame, comes the welcome guests, you must pull the green rope, which is tied to the right foot Fima. Pray, Madam, pull the rope!"
Lady Zusya pulled the green rope and  the parrot said loudly: "Hello, dear guests!"
"Oh, how it cute!" - cried Zusya.
And the seller continued:
 "But, suppose that to you, Madam, came an uninvited guest. I such ugliness even in thoughts can not hold! But let's assume  for a second, that such ugliness happened, and uninvited guest come to you. And what will you do, Madam?"
"Well .... I don't know... I will Say that I have a migraine..."- muttered the bewildered Madame Zusya.
"Madame! You do not have to speak, because your smart parrot Fima  will say all!" - uttered by the seller.
"Yeah? And what would say Fima?" - burning with curiosity, asked the lady Zosia.
"And you pull on the red rope that is tied to the left foot Fima, and all will hear!" - sweetly smiling, replied the seller.
Lady Zosia pulled a red rope and Fima yelled: "Get out of my sight, you stinking Jew! You have not bathed today? And garlic you stink just awful!"
"Well, what a guest, after these words, don't run away?" - proudly said the salesman, as if he himself was the only that got rid of the uninvited guest.
"What a clever parrot  Fima is!" - enthusiastically exclaimed the lady Zosia.
"Clever! Smart!"-  agreed parrot Fima.
"What if to pull both ropes  at once!" - asked the  lady Zosia and, without waiting for an answer, pulled both ropes at once.
 Parrot Fima flew down, landed on his back and began to scream:
"Oh, you fool! Brains, tastes like chicken! You is crazy town! Well shit crazy! Well, stupid woman!"
An angry lady Zosia ran out of the store, shouting on the move:
«Ah, solche Weh ! So my foot again will stay  on this threshold? Don't wait!"
And the parrot Fima shouted after her:
"What a life!  Jews are around! Though fly to the Benya mother!"
Here  Isaac finished his story about a smart parrot and looked at Yankel. Old Yankel was sitting with an open mouth and staring eyes, and whispered:
"Izicc.... Izicc, if you call a parrot Fima intelligent bird, how then am I supposed to call you....?"