Letters, which were never sent

(J.W. style)

My heart is naked - I feel it, and this new sensation makes me cry. Like people cry when their nerves are naked - every touch of air, every change in the temperature gives them a feeling - hundred times stronger than they experienced before.... If they knew what's hot, now then know what is HOT. If then knew what is cold, now they know what is COLD, and so on..... You understand what I mean? Surely you do.

My heart is naked - it stretches out to you with all its elasticity. It aches of happiness and aches of pain. Yes, all at once. I am thinking and thinking and thinking, and most part of these thoughts are useless, as they are starting with question-words: why, how comes and etc.
Why I was so stupid in getting your message so late - even if it was not shaped in accurate and certain words?
How comes that my heart was sleeping for so long - never wanting you till....
When did this weir break and how long will we manage to survive in the cold flood that is now streaming through it, through us, through everything? You know, hot blood, hot thoughts, hot wishes and hot feelings may be freezing cold, if they are connected with not-being-together.

It is useless to seek for consolation now - as the only consolation I can get today is staying in your arms, from dusk till dawn, from dawn till dusk, during lunch-time and evenings, at the lawn, in the bed, on the couch, never letting go... Such consolation is hardly possible...

I had tens of relationships of various depths, resulting in nothing, in pain, or in passion, or in something I cannot remember at the moment. But I've never been in such a situation, darling - when you want to be together, and you can be together, and - at the same time - you CAN NOT be together due to some vague reasons. You are somewhere deeper in me, somewhere deeper than the skin, veins, nerves, lips, tongue, nipples and fingers are. You are somewhere under my ribs, under my clavicle, hidden in my hair, dancing in my eyes and ringing in my ears.... You are not a one-night stand, not even a one-week stand, you are a many-years-story, which had many chances to be interrupted or just cut at its roots, but you are still here, in me. We tried to say good-bye so many times, that I can hardly say - how many, and who was the initiating part... but you are still here, in me, making my heart tremble, still able to make me cry of tenderness, still mine - from head to toes - in spite of all reasons you are trying to mumble against it. I don't want to be a train passing through you. I wanna tattoo an anchor on my ankle, or on my backbone, or in some other secret place of my body and remain in the harbor of your lips and hugs as long as it is possible. I do not know, what is really possible in this world, in this life, in the reality that we are sharing (or, more likely, that is trying to spit us out)... I only know that if you really want something - all Universe works for you. If you really care - it is felt. If you have a true feeling and if it mutual - then there is no boundaries, no obstacles and prejudices. It doesn't matter which side you are going in this situation - North or South, East of West, if you are true to yourself and the feeling that makes your heart naked, every step of yours is in the direction of the person that occupied your thoughts....

I trust you. Not only my body, but my thoughts, my dreams and my sleep, my sweet trembles of the highest pleasure you give me.
I wanna share everything with you - anything you can imagine, both positive and negative, as, in accordance to my theory, sharing positive you double it, sharing negative - you reduce it two times... I wanna do it all with you. And I wanna do everything with you. And want you to do everything with me.... Even struggling - for you and even with you, if it is required, like I did all these years. Like I have been doing inspite of all life situations we've been into.... I will wait till this togetherness happens... or till this naked heart o'mine diminishes and becomes a zero, a fallen star, an empty thought for you.... a circle that appears quickly after a stone sinks in water, and disappears even faster then you can say "I love you".

Throw my heart into the water of you life. Let it lay at the very bottom, till you find it with some inner forces, by your third eye, the presence of which you may not even be aware of. Keep my heart safe and sound under your waters. Let it lay.

I wanna take everything while it is with you.
And we will survive everything.
But the only thing I wanna do now - is to inhale deeply the smell of your childish hair, lick the taste of your skin, and kiss away and forever any tiredness and sadness from your face.