The forum - 18 ïëþñ

The early autumn of 2017. Anya is walking along the park. The leaves are rustling under her feet, and the easy breeze is making the trees swing.
She watches how pigeons are pecking sunflower seeds near the benches. The pensioners and mummies with children already don’t stay in the park for a long time. Anya doesn't sit down on the bench either – it’s cold and uncomfortable. She’s wandering, enjoying the smell of cones and wet grass, and the sun though is shining, but it doesn't warm any more. She fades waiting for the moment when the still warm beam will fall onto her face. She goes further. At her heart it is nice and quiet. Anya is inhaling the cool autumn air and feels how precious life is and how unesthetic death is. And her thoughts are carrying her away far … a year ago …


The summer of 2016 came to an end. Anya woke up from the strange feeling of emptiness in the head. "It is a depression after psychosis, as usual", – she thought.
Lately the periods of a mania came on her three times a year though she also took meds. Something was constantly provoking them. She was worrying, as usual, over any trifle. But most often – because of people and their attitude to her. Sometimes – from thoughts about how to earn herself a living and to find even simple job not to starve to death. Anya’s bad mood was smoothly changing into depression and back. But this time it was worse, than usually. She was thinking of suicide. Thoughts about suicide became habitual to her in eight years of illness. Anya was considering different ways to commit suicide, when it seemed as if it was absolutely impossible to live.
She came to VK and read the message from some unfamiliar guy:
– Hi, you are very beautiful, let's meet. I want children from you.
– Sorry, but in the next two years I am not going to get into a relationship with anyone.
– And why? Something happened?
– I just want to kill myself. Or perhaps I should go to hospital for half a year or for a year. I feel very bad.
The interlocutor didn’t know what to answer.

 One of Anya’s friends – a schizophrenic – suggested her to get married:
– In October we will get married! We’ll have five children, we will visit church and pray. Let's live in poverty!
She felt funny. He offered her for the fifth time already, but once, when she agreed, he told me:
– No, I really can't. It is necessary to look after my parents. And I’m sick, it will be difficult for us.
It was a hard evening. Anya convinced herself that she’s intelligent, beautiful and kind, and those who call her names – are evil people. Otherwise she could not survive.
"And in the summer I will go to the sea … to any sea… only to inhale salty air again, to listen to the seagulls and to lie on salty waves", – she thought. Such thoughts awakened in her again a wish to live.
And the memory was carrying Anya away far … one and a half years ago …
 
Online


… She woke up and switched off the bothering melody. Turned the alarm clock ten minutes ahead. It was only twelve o'clock in the afternoon. It was possible to sleep some more.
The bright sun looked through the curtains. Outside the window the birds were singing. The small town was awaking. It was the middle of May, 2015.
Anya lay a little more, listening to the melodies of birds. Then The Seekers’s song, "Colours Of My Life" brought her out of stupor.
"I'll be shedding black and gray to take on red and blue colors I can feel by touching you …"
Anya sighed, switched off the song and got out of the bed. There was nothing to do and there was no wish to. The fatigue began since morning already. It seemed like all thoughts of the world were pushing hard on me. And sometimes the frightening voices prompted terrible ideas of leaving from here. But, fortunately, the meds and the instinct of self-preservation kept her from such thoughts.
Having turned on the light and having put fried eggs to cook, Anya tried not to think of that person who brought her so much chagrin, – her schoolmate.
She came VK from the phone and saw the message. It was her friend Vasya. He was engaged in programming and hoped to wait for the era of immortality and artificial intelligence.
– Have you calmed down? I am glad.
– Yes, I have. Everything passed. I don't love you any more.
Anya was in love with Vasya only for a month, but he didn't love her back. The feeling had passed, but the friendship, continuing for many years, remained.
She felt how fine the spring is. It was cheerful to be happy and not to be in love with anyone again.
Fried eggs with tomatoes were made, and Anya sat down at the table. And started again recalling that person who brought her so much grief. It was hermy schoolmate whom she was in love with since childhood.

Anya recalled the last four years of her life: depression, hopelessness, a wish to die. I remembered also what was earlier: strange meetings with people to whom she went to other cities, unending paranoia. She took those people for others, and some used it and enticed her to visit them. Once Anya went abroad and there was forced to have sex with an unfamiliar guy. She thought that it was her classmate or someone, related to him. Another time Anya went to Moscow, considering that one famous chess player called her on the Internet. Having wandered around the city, she returned to the railway station, spent 24 hours there and went home. Once Anya sent to her classmate a love letter, her old diary about him, as she considered that he spies over her.
All that weirdness proceeded during three years, and she already got used to them. Many chess players whom Anya played with those years online called her inadequate. But she didn't understand why. Then 2011 came. And there a terrible thing happened: first psychosis.
One fine day Anya understood that all people of the world are watching her and reading her thoughts. That she can cause earthquakes in Japan. Anya took out all books from the room – they were poisoned. Burned money and broke the phone – money was the proofs, and in the phone there was a bomb. She knew it precisely by some details, unclear to normal people. Everything, it seemed, indicated the presence of invisible enemies. Even numbers in date of her birth and her address, appeared to be connected with the greatest secret societies of the planet. Yes, she was intended for the higher goals. But many people in the world wanted to prevent it. Their secret organizations pursued Anya all her life, were secretly killing her relatives, arranging arsons and accidents where she lived.
When Anya began to cut my slippers, trying to find in them the confidential tracking cameras put to watch over her, mother interfered. She called the police and the ambulance and Anya was taken away in handcuffs into the psychiatric hospital.
In the hospital it was hard, but quiet. She met calm patients. She met violent patients. Kind nurses and doctors. She recovered. But in two months’ time got there again. She was sure that people are watching over her and shouting to her from the street. Three times more Anya gave up tablets, hoping for psychotherapy and recovery, but psychoses repeated again and again.
Once in the autumn of 2011, she decided to look for the nickname of her classmate Lesha in Google. And came to some rock-forum. The first topic that Anya had read was about her. Anya ‘s classmate uploaded her photos there, some strangers were discussing her in nasty expressions, mocking and calling her names. Also he wrote about her in the topic “my classmate is a ***re” and told lies that she offered him a blowjob. All this unsettled Anya for a long time. She wanted to kill herself. There was no wish to live after such insults. The dreams of love were destroyed. Everything seemed a dreadful dream.
She wrote letters to Lesha for some time, thinking that she will be able to forget everything and to make friends with him. But it didn’t work out. He didn't want to talk to her. Once in psychosis Anya asked him to call the ambulance, but he answered nothing.
Psychoses continued to happen, as she was giving up meds, thinking that the disease had receded. Two more years had passed. She ceased to give up meds, but still hoped for improvement. She still couldn't believe that this disease – for many years; and perhaps, forever.
For three years she had tried to forgive him. There were periods when she was thinking of suicide. There were periods when she hated him. But in 2015 everything was in the past. Life was going on, she began to write poems and play chess again. Though playing in tournaments had to be given up because of bad health, and the poems were successful only once in several months. But life began to smile to her, and the spring had even brought a new love.

But that day, in May 2015, indifference and mockeries of her schoolmate were again recalled by her, and she wrote at the forum: "Happy birthday. But I will remember all the same, how you haven't called an ambulance to me, when I asked about it. And if I have delusional disorder, it doesn't mean that it is possible to treat me like that".

Inhabitants of the forum became interested. One of them caught her attention. She didn't study all their profiles yet, but understood that friends of her schoolmate and forum users are the same men. There were practically no women on the forum.
– Is this chess crud still here? Such freaks have to be fucked in the arse and to wipe the cock by their hair! – a user under the nickname of "fire" wrote.
– A fucked up nobody! – he continued in another topic.
All this, to put it mildly, wasn't unpleasant to her, but she has continued to communicate with other people, to learn new about them and about the world of rock music. But generally she only learned the new names of alcohol, elite food and vacation spots.

… A week had passed. Anya was sitting on a sofa and looking at phone screen. There was an article about stigmatization of mentally ill people. Once in 2011 when she couldn't perform work of a tourism manager, she was told:
 – It is a pity that you won't be able to work. And what mental disease do you have? They work with a depression here at our company.
– I have depression, – she lied.
 
All this time she had been thinking of Lesha, sometimes kindly, sometimes angrily. In 2012 she didn't write him, but in 2013 began, and for two years was unsuccessfully trying to make friends with him. But he didn't respond to her letters. She just wanted to achieve sympathy and understanding, and, probably, to become a friend, as love wasn't successful. But friendship didn't work out, and only having forgiven him and having ceased to be angry, she understood that she can easily be not on friendly terms with him.

It was summer. Nearly an every day she came on the forum and saw the aggressive messages from a nickname "fire" addressed to her. For some reason he answered her in each topic where she appeared. Various abusive epithets were often repeated. Soon she learned that it was one of moderators of the forum.
– Stupid cunt!
– What shit is this? Is it supposed that I have to turn to swear words? I won't be good-natured to you, until you cease to call me names and to humiliate me.
– A whore, cure already this fucked up one!
– And of what are you afraid of? Do you think, she will reach your town? – the users asked.

… She had a dream of their elderly high school teacher who wasn't alive any more. She stood at the blackboard and spoke: – My cabbages! – so she tenderly called the students of her favorite group … But she called Anya “the strangest creature”.

In July 2015 Anya, as usual, came to the forum. She was suggested to send a photo of "boobs" to be allowed into the hidden sections of the forum. She agreed, without a thought that they were just scoffing at her, and uploaded a picture.
– There is no computer and the forum page on them! It doesn’t count! – the users objected, –  It’s not your boobs!
– When will this stupid cunt kill three or four people already and sit down into the nutbin? I will be glad, – wrote “fire”.

… Often she woke up in the morning with the thoughts about this rock forum. She was interested in these people. What makes them tick, what hobbies do they have… but to communicate in real life was a too complex task, that she didn’t have courage to do… she practically didn't communicate to people irl for five years already…

Once in the summer she put out the her short stories at the forum.
– The style is norm, and contents are fucked up! – one of the users commented.
– At our village it is called – hypochondriac bitch! It seems to her all the time, that everyone is after her! Such girls have to be cured with daily sex ten times a day! – “fire” wrote.
– But it is not bad, write the story about a psychiatric hospital in this style, it will be interesting, though rather heavy to read, – one of the users offered.

… Anya came onto the balcony and looked round her. The fifth floor. The necklace of trees closed the horizon. Small birdies were chirping in the top of the trees near the balcony. But she felt sad and afraid to be in the open space. She recalled her girlfriend who committed suicide, having jumped from the roof.

… One fine day she uploaded a picture of her face to the forum. That “fire” began to advise her at once:
– To become a forum star, paint your hair red. Also grow a fringe, otherise you will remain for the rest of life with artificial cock! And in general, judging by your VK, you aren't a schizophrenic, but a stupid cunt! Listen to me better, I was Thinman too, but my friend told me that I am a whore-boy, and now I married and grew fat.
– And you know how great it is to imagine how you are cutting off pieces from people!
– No, I don't know. And, by the way, no one needs fucked up women!

… Once in the summer morning, having boiled a teapot, she, as usual, sat down to the computer and began to read e-books. Reading was one of the few pleasures which never annoyed her. But often her strength was only enough for washing, putting her clothes on and having a walk …
Suddenly she recalled that she had a dream about a cucumber.
– Probably, it is to future sex, – she wrote in a topic about dreams.
– Or perhaps simply to shoot it on her face? – “fire” responded.
– Why are you staking me all the time? You already called me a cunt three times, a whore two times and few times a slut! Why don’t you stop.
– Don't flatter yourself, I pick at everyone, – he answered.
– I am not flattered by attention of unfamiliar married men! – Anya printed.
– And it is interesting, would you use a knife if I arrive? – he wrote and attached a menacing picture with knives. She pondered what to answer to this, but, having refreshed the page, understood that the picture and the message disappeared. He removed them. She felt unpleasant and frightening. And meanwhile the conversation at the forum continued.
– And who wants to fuck this meat-suit? We have Sashok here, by the way, – he wrote.
For already two months the shit was flowing on her head nearly every day. Anya tried not to pay attention, but this time her patience came to an end. She began to google this person by a nickname, and found his name, surname, the working address and lots of photos. He was called … … …., and he worked as a journalist in some small town.
– And at the house number four live forum rural souteneurs! – she commented.
He answered nothing. Augustus passed almost peacefully. Apart from almost friendly chats.
– Nobody will fuck you. You are a woman with problems, and nobody needs problems! – one old resident of the forum talked.
– Such ones sit and sit at the forum, and then begin to steal husbands! – “fire” commented.
– Again you about Tanya? Why are you busy with her private life? – one of the users asked.
– Yes, he is a loony, normal people don't spy on others’ girls and don't attract into a "fight" others’ wives and husbands! – another one responded.
So Anya learned that “fire” pursued not only her.

Sometimes it was cheerful on the forum. Having ceased to discuss mental subjects, she began to communicate about music and chess. He immediately had his opinion:
– Chess is for degraded people, wankers and virgins. Only leprous play them. And then loneliness and death!

Still more than once at the forum he began persecution, to which other users joined.
– They are scum! They bully sick people! – Sasha the schizophrenic commented, – Here have already occurred four suicides!

It occurred on August 31. As usual, having come home from walk, Anya opened the folder with his photos. She had already thirty of them. She knew little about him; but his face suddenly seemed nice to her. Already a week since she found its photos, she thought about him and didn't understand why he treats her so rudely. Soon she found his fake VK page. There was a lot of black metal that she loved too. And something about euthanizing of disabled people on an avatar.

The next day Anya found out that she is listening to the song "Love Is Just A Four-Letter Word" by Joan Baez and ruminating on the program of euthanasia T4, that was mentioned on VK avatar of that man. And then she understood that she stepped into slippery soil: she could fall in love with that person. She was attracted to him, despite their differences. But she decided not to open her feelings.

There came September. The leaves were turning yellow and falling down, and meanwhile at the forum the war continued.
– I know what is waiting for her ahead, – wrote “fire” and attached a note about the woman who killed her two children. – We need to euthanize this crud!
– And you have only T4 on your mind!
– I know, you don't wash yourself. And you stink, like a dog!
– A lie, I wash myself two times every day!
– Only two? And during the lunchtime you go with a splodgy snout!
– But here you are stinking!

At that time, in September, the idea of writing of the book, prompted by one user, was born into her head. To describe life in the nutbin and to prove to him that mentally ill people are people too.
All September passed in work. Every day Anya got up at two pm and wrote until late at night. At least three pages a day. Wrote in the old manner, in a paper notebook, and then she reprinted it. She disliked work on the computer, though she printed quickly. At last, in a month the book was almost ready.

… It was the beginning of October. And then once, having come on the forum, she read the correspondence of users:
– Let's ban already this bitch at for stupidity. It will be cheerful! – “fire” wrote.
– What disturbs you so much?
– Well, nothing, just these loonies are clowns, and it is boring to mock them already. But I spare people’s feelings now …
– A weakling!
– Well in general yes, let's drive this crud into a loop!
– And who will be responsible?
– Well, we will dump on somebody.

Something broke in her. It oddly devaluated all her work in advance. But after all she was determined and finished the story about thirty days in a psychiatric hospital. Created a topic about it and expressed gratitude to three users: fire, Lesha and Sasha.
The users of a forum very warmly treated the story.
– I’ve read with interest. All in all, the genre is uncertain, but it is not so important; it is important that people remain people, despite everything!
– Not bad!
– A good style!
But he only criticized:
– Everything is clear with you –  you write what you see. It is too much about shit and washing one’s lower parts! Well, schizos don’t see the edge…
– Only a few times … and it’s only my first experience of writing books!
– Not the first, I monitor your account on proza.ru, there a lot more there!

Meanwhile the users celebrated the birthday of one of forum administrators.
– Congratulations! – Anya wrote.
And then she was let into some hidden sections of the forum. There was nothing special, except infinite stupid squabbles of users. Just in case she had read them all.
– The common people are the cattle, – the users wrote in the hidden sections, – they will eat everything.
Genetic slaves, fuck them!
The users thought that she was studying the hidden sections, searching information on her classmate, but it was not so. She was methodically scouring the forum, looking for data on “fire”.
The next day she dared to comment on some topic in the political section. Right there he appeared:
– And this cunt is already here!
– I will put you into the black list and I will never talk to you again! – she answered.

And on the ninth of October Anya came to the forum and couldn’t believe her eyes. The blood flowed into her head, and in the ears something began to knock. There appeared a topic in the hidden section with a poll “To kill a bitch". In it “fire” agitated users to remove her from the forum.
– Who is for her not existing? – he asked.
People were surprised:
– And why are you so angry all of a sudden?
– What is she disturbs you with?
– The poll is not comic, you decide the destiny of this user!


Anya didn't get into conversations with him and tried not to give a sign, that it concerns her anyhow. One of the administrators banned “fire” for two days. But it didn’t stopped him. He continued to offer:
– And let's isolate her in one topic!
But the votes against her still were not enough.
– And now we vote for putting to Anya’s forehead a stigma "fucked up"!
– You are fascists! Who voted against Anya, I won't be on friendly terms with those! – Sasha the schizophrenic wrote, she deleted her VK account because of you! She told that  she loves me, and that I am a good person.
– Driving to suicide, by the way, – one user commented.
– I hope, this poll is just a joke? – another asked.
– No, I still will cut this crud! – “fire” answered and again attached the picture with
knives.
Continuing to agitate people, “fire” didn't  wait for the end of the voting and attached to her nickname the status "fucked up".

For about a fortnight Anya pretended as if nothing was happening. It seemed to her that after she devoted to him (having included, as a distraction, two more people) the novel, he will begin to treat her better. But everything turned out just the opposite.
Anya had no wish to post at the forum with such status, and she has created the topic "I Leave". Nobody was much surprised. But here suddenly “fire” began to persuade her to stay:
– Don’t be friends with Sasha, he is a schizophrenic and he will beat you.
– I befriend anyone I like!
– And you know why you won't leave here? This is the only place where you are considered a Person, – “fire” wrote.
– Why for you to remain here, if they treat you so? – one user advised.
She didn't start to argue with “fire” and banned herself – asked moderators to make to her the "only reading" mode.

After a while Anya wanted to express her indignation somehow, and she wrote a private message to “fire”:
– Well, rejoice, I was banned.
– Perhaps to unban you? It’s probably, … who banned you, he’s an asshole!
– Well, unban.
– I unbanned, you can write. We have full freedom here. Only don't ask to ban you anymore
– Or perhaps you will remove the status? I will write nothing with such status.
– All right, only don't write any schizo things in all topics. You pester me!
– And I know why you created that topic about me. You wanted to draw my attention to you!
– I absolutely don’t give a shit. To me it’s all the same whom to laugh at, if only there were lulz. The conversation is finished, learn to stop in time!

All those two weeks she wanted to die, but at this moment for some reason especially much. There was a feeling that the control over her life is slipping from her hands. If he didn't remove that status, she, probably, would commit suicide.

In the emotional turmoil Anya entered the forum the next day. Also began to carp at “fire” in all topics, as he did to her. He answered nothing.
– Not throw shit on the forum! – Sasha became angry.
– Are you on “fire”’s side? – she answered. The quarrel with Sasha occured. More and more people began to vote against her. Soon Sasha disappeared from online. He had a relapse. Hr was put into the hospital for half a year.

At last, Anya’s the patience burst.
– Hope that all of you will die! – she wrote. Then she apologized, but the voting quickly tended in the “fire”s side.
– Well, three more voices! – he agitated.
At last, the score became 23-21 not in her advantage, apart from the refrained.
– We will leave it till the morning, if doesn't change, I will ban her, – “fire” said, – we have democracy here!
She didn't know what to answer him anymore.
– Good night, – she wrote and went to sleep.
The next morning her account was banned. The notification came to her mail that it was made by “fire”.
– It is sacrificed to Satan! – he wrote in the topic.

Having waited for several days, Anya addressed the chief administrator of the forum. He unbaned her. But soon “fire” noticed it and banned her again.
– Address other moderators, I can't unban you every time! – the administrator wrote to her.
– What are you doing, the chief administrator unbanned me! – she wrote “fire” in FB.
She wrote to other moderator and an administrator. Both responded and one of the administrators unbaned her. But on the same day “fire” blocked her account again. So it happened five more times.
When he banned Anya’s account for the fifth time, she couldn’t stand it and wrote him in FB again. She wanted to explain why all this is so important for her. But it turned out badly. Chaotic thoughts crowded in her head.

She began to create all new accounts, and created them about twenty. She felt sad and it seemed to her that everyone turned away from her. But he was purposefully banning all new accounts.
– If you ban me, I will commit suicide! – she wrote.
At last, one of the administrators included her into separate group of users, for protection from “fire”, that she could watch the forum in the "only reading" mode.

But “fire” didn't stop on that. Having created the topic "the fucked up" in the superhidden sections of the forum, he demanded that her account was deprived of the rights for viewing all hidden sections.
– I bring to your attention that the fucked up is still looking through the forum. Probably, the administrators aren't indifferent to her.
– Fuck you! – the administrators objected, – she did nothing bad to nobody.
– It is just your sadism and misogyny, and you say to everyone, that you are saving the world!
– You will see, someday she will finish off Lesha, and you will be partially guilty too! –“fire” was convincing.
The users were indignant, but gradually began to be imbued by paranoia:
– If you din't touch the shit, it wouldn’t stink! But you speak every day about her!
– You’re giving us a hard time with this your Ania! It is unclear, what you are arguing about at all!
– And what if she will report us in the police? It is not proper for the mentally ill people to read our hidden sections!
– Long ago it was clear, that she is unstable and will knife somebody!
– Somehow she is preparing for suicide for too long!

Soon she noticed that in her profile there is a picture with a monster clambering from a pool, all messages were hidden, but one was left, contents, the content was new to her:
"I hate all of you, I will come with a knife and I will cut when I have a relapse! I will get nothing for this. And I will pour acid on Lesha, though I don’t give a damn about him. You only call me a Person in words, and actually you hate. I know all your addresses! All of you are nasty freaks, you are only able to humiliate. Get the fuck out of here, I will bite off your dicks! I will destroy the forum, a fetid hole. Let me be treated in the hospital again, I will call the police and I will show them what you write. Let you be closed!"
– And what is it, I didn't write it! Remove! – she complained in technical support.
The message was removed.
And meanwhile he quoted that message in the hidden topic.
– Here, I told you! She is dangerous!
– I bet he wrote it himself! And al in all, by Satan! – the users answered.
– It is necessary to look through the logs, but we’re lazy … for certain it’s him, – the moderators wrote.
– This fucked up is like forum worms … here you’re laughing, and suddenly she will splash to your face acid in psychosis! – “fire” answered.
The users began to be afraid:
– Well, it’s in her style, maybe, she wrote it!
– In general, she must be restricted, you never know …
– She comes into our accounts! Dreadful!

And meanwhile at the forum a short story in the form of messages on behalf of administrators appeared, under the name "One Day with the fucked up".  It was telling how Anya kills all moderators of the forum for the fact that they didn't protect her.
– Oh, we will ban someone! – the administrators were indignant.
– I looked through the logs, precisely he edited it! Fire, you seem to have nothing else to do, perhaps! – one of the administrators caught him.
– Probably, he isn't indifferent to her! – Anya’s classmate hinted.
– Well, I don't care for the fucked up, I’m just having a good time. But the circus left – the clowns can disperse, the performance is ended! – “fire” answered.
The users became agitated.
– And what if she suddenly kills indeed…
– Escape, brothers!
Soon she was closed access almost to all hidden sections.
– Such is the opinion of users, – the administrator complained, – their paranoia!

To her it was unpleasant and sad. She expected to create at athe forum a topic about her birthday and somehow to celebrate her thirtieth anniversary. But it wasn't possible … gradually it began to seem to her, that the world is narrowing to the forum size, and to she was just cut off contacts with all people. Though it was not so.
All November she felt bad, there was tachycardia and high pressure. But she tried to live further and not to think of the sorrow.

And in January, 2016, in two months after the "murder", Anya collected several screenshots and sent them to “fire”s work. But the feeling of injustice and the violated rights was oppressive. It seemed to her that only the account at the forum will make her a person. All people had accounts, and she hadn't. But it was difficult to explain to people, what she wants to tell. The thoughts were confused, and she hardly understood what she’s doing.
The screenshots reached his acquaintance, and he wrote about it on the forum at once:
– And the fucked up is an idiot! She sent screenshots to my working account, moreover not my screenshots, but of some odd users! I told you, she isn't a schizophrenic, but a stupid woman!
The administrators became agitated:
– To transfer forum quarrels to irl – it is bad!
– Though, many successfully combine real life with virtuality …
– No, it not good business! She was banned right!
– Well, if she wasn’t bullied, she wouldn’t have sent the screenshots!
– No, it has to be punished! The forum is a forum, and irl is absolutely different! It is dangerous! – “ fire” told.
– But you yourself! A toad fucked a viper! – the moderators sneered.
– While this fucked up animal is looking through the forum, I won't write here! Good-bye all! For certain in the spring she will cut off Lesha’s head! – he wrote.
She asked the administrators to remove her, now useless, profile. A new life began.

There came the spring. She gave up meds, hoping for cognitive psychotherapy, and there happened a psychosis.

“I forgive you and I’m not angry that you killed all my relatives. I know everything. I know, that I was chosen when I was about ten years old as an object for experiments of the aliens. And I know that you love me”. Anya wrote the last phrase in twitter and got lost in thought. Yes, they were spying over her and thought about killing her, but how serious it was in reality? What consequences can be there?
Suddenly Anya heard a voice somewhere from inside of her head: “He suicided”. She quickly started to think. The voices continued: “His supporters won’t touch you, he told them that you’re not guilty. But some people in the government of other countries might want to kill you”. Anya quickly started to delete browser’ history and deleted her twitter. Then, savvied that this wouldn’t help, she understood that the only way out is to get rid of the computer.
She snatched my notebook and started to get dressed. Then ran to the door. Her mother got frightened and tried to make her stay. After long suasion Anya understood, that she won’t be allowed to get the notebook into the forest. She looked around herself in despair. There were cameras everywhere in her room. “You see I did good! I killed the Satan!” – Anya was inwardly saying, “Why don’t you help me?”. Suddenly it dawned on her that she has to go to people and ask for help. Getting out of the house was not easy too. Mother suspected something. Having put on the boots barefoot, Anya ran out of the house.
I didn’t go to the police, as she usually did – there are his supporters there, for sure, they will kill her. Walked through the town council, but couldn’t gather strength to tell anyone what’s happening. People looked at Anya with curiosity. “They know. Yes! They know, that others have already sent killers for me. I have to run. But where?” Finally, it came into her head to speak to her classmate. “But what if he us not from them? Maybe, he will help me to run away!”. But he wasn’t at home. His neighbor looked at her with curiosity. “They want to kill me!” – Anya was saying, - “I have nowhere to go!”. She was one of them, for sure. She offered Anya to help her to get home. And meanwhile the voices  continued to talk to her. She head the thoughts of all people on Earth. Anya wasn’t surprised – she is god, for her it’s going to be an every day job – to hear their thoughts and to inwardly answer them. She heard voices before.
Anya came home. She was tired and had no strength to struggle with fate. “I’ll be killed. Well. I accept it. I’ll be of more use in Paradise”, - she thought. She had blister on her foot and she didn’t want to run anywhere. “They won’t kill you. They have already negotiated”, - the voices were telling her, - “And you know, how did he kill himself? He put his head into a formic bunch!” She felt joy. Suddenly Anya felt that some alien influence is raping her. It was him. The voices talked: Satan is an alien creature. He rules the world”. Anya realized that she’s gonna have a child, and perhaps, not in nine months, but in a far shorter time.
She started to recall how she tried to practice out-of-body experience techniques sometime in her youth. Just like now, Anya closed my eyes and plunged into the journey among unknown creatures and portals. She was looking for the way to Paradise. It was necessary for her to get out of this body. She couldn’t stay on this Earth, where her body was desecrated by evil spirits, and going out of the house was scary. “Yes, people are angry, that you’re god, they might kill you”, - the voices were debating. At the same time Anya was hearing thoughts of the people who thought about her.
She haven’t found the portal to Paradise. Having been in bed for two hours, Anya went to have a snack. “Your mother is one of them. Half of the people on Earth are for the evil, and half- for the good” – voices were whispering, “Satan loves you. Your mother tried to poison you by gas last night, but he removed gas and replaced her with a robot. Now she is harmless. Don’t be afraid of her.”. “Throw away the meds. They’re poisoned. Millions of people are dying from them”. Anya carefully wrapped the meds into a package, threw away into the bin, and took the bin into the pantry. “He made so that there Paradise come to Earth. People won’t be dying from illnesses anymore. They will live forever. You made it by your love”. But Anya didn’t want to stay on Earth. She wanted to die. She didn’t want to be raped every day. And Anya knew that He forbade people to tell her that she is god. “Yes, you’re god!” – the voices were heard somewhere from afar. They weren’t silent al the same! But Anya knew, that at the next moment they fall dead. He killed them!
Having had a snack, she went outside. She wanted to stand near her porch and to think over everything. Suddenly Anya started to talk to the door. It seemed to her, that He was making signs to her.  If the door sways back – it is “no”, if it swings forth – it is “yes. The negotiations continued for an hour. Anya knew, that everything is been recorder on millions of cameras and transmitted into the minds of people all around the world. She tried to urge him to let all people tell me, that she is god. But she didn’t succeed in it.
Coming home, Anya noticed that mother’s eyes changed somehow. “He instilled into her, so that to talk to me!” - she thought. They started to talk by hints and secret signs. Anya liked it very much. She was just making fun of him. She knew he found it unpleasant. Hiding from mother, Anya took razor blades and put it  into her locker. “Just in case”, - she thought, “What if I won’t manage to get out of my body another way”.
Gradually Anya came to conclusion that it’s necessary to drive this evil spirit to suicide, so that he dissipated around the Universe and wouldn’t bother people anymore. She continued to talk to voices, and they were telling her a story of aliens’ misdeeds. Mother offered me to go to the hospital. Anya gladly agreed. “His supporters will kill me there”, - she thought, “and so I’ll be in Paradise and I’ll expel him from there!”
The neighbors heard Anya shouting “Die, fire!” Little did they know, that she was saving the world from the ecumenical evil. On her way to the hospital Anya continued to talk both to the voices and to him. She was inducing him to kill himself. It continued for an hour. Finally, the voices reported her, that her plan succeeded. “The Earth is free from evil! The aliens will go away from our planet!”
Anya was glad I didn’t have to kill herself anymore. She calmed down. And in several days the voices disappeared at all.
 
IRL

Having left the hospital, she looked around. Spring. May. And the idea came into her head – to get the password from the forum. She very much wanted to know that “fire” writes about her. And also, perhaps, to receive the over9000 account, with access to the most hidden sections with a topic about her.
Sasha was in the hospital with a schizophrenia relapse for half a year already… there wasn't a word from him.

… She looked for the users from the list of the mutual friends, those who presumably were registered at the forum. Some included her into VK black list even before she tried to start talking to them. Others chatted with her for months, and only later included her into VK black list. At first her attention was drawn by a young man with a nickname "fucked up". He was called Kohya. She liked it at once. "I will sleep with him and so I will revenge all of them" – she thought, – "The fucked up with the fucked up!"
– Hi, you from the forum ***?
– Yes, and how have you learned?
– I just guessed. And I am bullied and bullied there. I’m a "fucked up" for them.
– It is hard to believe that the adults are engaged in it. They are morons!
– I tried to make friends with them …
– Well, why do you need this forum? There are a lot of other more interesting things in the world.

They met in the park. The easy May breeze was making the trees swing, and old women looked at them with suspicion. It was silent and deserted.
– Will we drink, while nobody sees? – he offered and got out a small bottle of beer.
They sat down on the bench and got to talking. Kolya happened to be a nice young man with long hair and a languishing eyes, giving him some romantic look.
– And I am often taken out home by a taxi when I drink. I go to the soil, – he noticed.
The conversation smoothly moved to his kitchen, where they cooked food together in a microwave, and then and into the bed.
– And why do they need condoms? Perhaps will hope for the best … Well, ok, – he noticed.
And in the evening they went to the concert of her favorite band, Emerald Mind. It was probably, the best event in the last ten years. It seemed that the normality comes back to her. It was mysterious and noisy in the dark hall it, the people rejoiced to the music, and she absolutely forgot that she can't drink. It seemed to her, having taken a break in meds, it is possible to relax and to become sometimes like ordinary people. But it was not so.
… Suddenly Anya felt that a floor disappeared below her. Soon her back rested against a person standing behind her, the handbag happened to be on the floor, and on her head a bump appeared.
– It is time to go home! – the voice was heard from somewhere far away. It was Kolya. She slowly followed him to the locker room. It seemed that she is walikng in a dream.
– Your check! – a cloakroom attendant demanded. She couldn't answer anything.
– Kolya paid one hundred rubles for the lost check, and they left the club.
They walked home through the dark Petersburg streets, leaning at each other. The head felt dizzy, and the darkness seemed like a freedom holiday.
… In the morning she woke up from a wish to vomite. Having puked, she checked her things. Found a check. And left home in the afternoon.

… They met Kolya several times more. He seemed to be flitting through life.
– I will borrow one thousand rubles at you so far, later I will return it to you…
There was lots of money on Kolya’s card, but he didn’t like to spend his own money…
– Lineage – the best game. I play the whole day, sometimes. Let’s go, we will open a new portal, there’re a lot in your town!
– You have to try harder! You’re just lazy! And by the way, I know a girl, she sucked to one guy for a mobile phone… but you’re not like that, aren’t you?
And when he fell asleep, Anya got to the computer, looked at “fire”s photos and ruminated on life vicissitudes … She had been using  Kolya’s password for two months.

Once in the beginning of June she created a new account at the forum and again began to write there.
– Well who will ban, me or administrators? – “fire” asked.
– Let it be you. I love you, – she answered.
And meanwhile in the most hidden topic about her there was excitement.
– Well. Let's ban her! – he agitated.
– Well, what is she disturbing you with? She can't look through the hidden sections, writes little, – the administrators were perplexed.
– I won't ban her, let now Slava deal with her! He protected her! But now you see what she is! – “fire” answered.
– It is necessary to ban Kolya too. She is seeing him!
– A traitor! Look whom he picked up!

She continued to write letters to “fire” sometimes. Probably, she hoped to change his opinion on schizophrenics, or perhaps she just liked his photos. After writing letters she was deleting all accounts, so that he couldn’t answer her, as she was afraid of him and angry. Anya communicated with other users too. Especially often – with several moderators and Vitya who lived far from St. Petersburg. They discussed music and books, news, but sometimes she heard strange things from them.
– There will be a relapse, you will take a knife smeared with a felt-tip pen, and will stab! I don't need inadequate people at the forum.
– Come on, knife all of them! Or I already doubt you!
And meanwhile the topic "To kill a bitch" contained 40 pages already… and the rumours reached her, that there is also a topic about her in the most hidden sections, containing 50 pages… the users made a smilie with her face. One girl left the forum from solidarity with Anya.

It was June, 2016. Sasha left the hospital and wrote an sms to her. And, at last, after half a year of correspondence, they met in the bar. Both drank lemonade.
Sasha turned to be a well-fed dark-haired man with shining black eyes. She liked him at once. Despite haloperidol tremor, there was some charm in him.
– That's great that we met. And I had been in the hospital for half a year. They gave me disability.
– And they gave me too.
– I seldom communicate with patients, they’re boring… but you are special.
– I like you too.
– As we say in the hospital, "you’re good, good", – Sasha told and stroked her on the shoulder.
– And you are a darling!

And meanwhile in the hidden topic the users discussed her:
– Somehow there’re many virtuals have been brooded … for certain it is the fucked up, wants to ingratiate and to surf the hidden sections!
– No, it not her, as she is an idiot. And there’s another ip, – “fire” commented.

Then she got acquainted with a girl who left “like” under her photo. Her name was Nadya.
– “Fire” simply rages that they don’t pay attention to him. Besides, you write well, and he is a journalist. So he envies.
– They’re scum.
– Yes, well forget about that forum! Not the best place. Normal people left there long ago.
They met and communicated. And during the weekend she was invited to spend a day with Nadia and her husband.
It was a fine day. The gloomy, but cozy lop-sided lodge in the village, the old cemetery in Novaya Ladoga with the aroma of flowers, huge boulders on the river... They were drinking lemonade and chatting about music and life. But in several hours, as usual, there came the fatigue. She felt that she says less and less, and is silent more and more.
… They planned to arrange a dinner and a wine party in the village, but she lay on the bed and nearly fell asleep. Had no strength any more.
  – Sorry, but I go home. I’m tired, – she told them.

Once again they suggested her to meet, but she couldn't.
– Sorry, I have a psychosis. Somehow another time, – she wrote.
There wasn’t another time. Soon they banned her VK. And removed all photos with her from their page.
– We are tired of her, – they wrote at the forum, – and we don’t know what to expect from her … And on the whole, we fear that people might want something from us…

… And meanwhile at the forum they continued to follow the course of events.
– She has a VK photo with Nadya and her husband! It is necessary to ban them!
– Not, they will get angry …
– Just a little more – and she will go into the nutbin again! – “fire” wrote.

Sometimes she spoke to “fire”:
– You are an idiot girl! It can’t be cured. You have no illness.
– I am not an idiot, I just don't understand the normals. I didn't communicate with people earlier and it wasn't necessary to understand, now I got sick and I understand even worse. I live by the rules.
– I don't ask you, are you an idiot or not! Your opinion is not interesting to me! I know that you are an idiot! Do you get it?

… They have again met Sasha. Both were glad to spend the evening in a cafe and to talk about the schizophrenic things. They sat late after midnight.
– Well, your bus has already left, we will be walking all night long! – he said.
Having taken a jacket from his apartment, he put it around Anya’s shoulders, so that she wouldn’t catch cold. And they went to the cinema. Then they sat in a cozy coffee house, listening to the sounds of the fading city. The sky became blue, and rare passersby were all drunk. But Sasha with Anya were only been pumped up with the “Dyshes” pear lemonade and kvass …

… They sat on the bench in some park. On the next bench a flock of girls of student's age was cooing about the pleasures of summer morning. On another bench an elderly man in a suit sat, struggling with a hangover. Sometimes they were playfully squabbling.
Anya with Sasha were silent, rejoicing their time together and the morning freshness. Somewhere in the distance the taxies were beeping …

She continued to write at the forum sometimes. ‘Fire” called her a stupid woman ten times, then he ceased to write there. Though even before he began to post extremely seldom, in comparison with the last year when he issued a hundred messages a day.
– Schizophrenia – it is still so romantic! You aren't a schizophrenic, but an idiot! Just you justify yourself with an illness!

… Sasha sat in the bar and corresponded with Anya. Suddenly Lesha came in and sat down nearby. He was already slightly drunk.
– Do you want me to tell you about Anya? – he offered.
– Well go on! – Sasha answered.
– I don’t like her. Besides a madwoman. In the spring she was running barefoot near my house in psychosis. I am afraid of her!
– I am afraid too, – Sasha answered, – but we are alike.

Once in July Anya felt depressed and she wrote at the forum:
– Why do I have to fuck for passwords! So unfair! Yes, I know that I am a bad person, and all this is unpleasant to me…
– Let's already ban this bitch! – he reacted, – here you, Slava, ban! She is flooding! I’m waiting when you yourselves will ask me to ban IT!
– They’re all flooding here …
– It is high time, or she will kill somebody here!
– But she is dangerous all the same, regardless of her presence at the forum! – one user, with whom she had played chess online for three hours, commented.
– All right, I will ban, – Slava agreed.
Also I banned her for one day. But Anya became angry and began to do screenshots of all messages of “fire” from another account. It turned out that there were more than hundred thirty of them. Also she uploaded them VK.
Then “fire” came into her profile and banned her for ever.

She removed screenshots from VK, feeling like a bit a traitress. On the other hand, she almost didn't know these people. Only several people who were good acquaintances. And she knew that “fire” wouldn't allow her to write at the forum anyway.
Then she wrote "Be damned, the scum" and sent that message to several users of the forum. Among them there happened to be also forum administrators.

The autumn of 2016 came. She continued to come to the forum from Sasha’s account. Once she quarreled with Sasha again. The reason the most usual – Sasha happened to have a relapse again, and it was put into the hospital for half a year more.
Anya began to write from his account, and it was banned. She was upset. Again to be without a password, again to be as though not a person! Several days in her head the strange thoughts were circling… unclear feelings … she, of course, knew that there are relapses and manias in autumn, but she felt as if something is carrying her somewhere and she can't stop herself.
Soon she sent to five users the message: "I will give myself for the forum password!"
One of them, Igor, began to speak to her:
– Well, why do you worry so much about this forum, they have their own clique there…
– But I need the password! Also it is better, from over9000, I want to read a topic about me on 50 pages!
– Well let's meet and we will discuss it.

… They met in some elite bar. Igor was a man of middle age with a thin small beard. He ordered half-liter of chocolate beer to each. Slowly the conversation began to flow. But it wasn't possible to grope the common topics.
– It is interesting for me to talk about teaching English, I am a tutor too, – he said. All other topics he persistently avoided.
– And I drink here every day, – he noticed.

… It was dark and uncomfortable in the room of a small hotel. And this Igor – rough and detached … he bit her on the neck. In a toilet she vomited again.
–  You’re a beggar, like my mother on pension! So what, if you have disability, you have to work by your profession! You’re not silly, aren’t you? – he edified her .
The next morning she found out, that she had left her gloves in the hotel. It was necessary to come back. Searchings in the room brought nothing – the gloves mysteriously disappeared.
– Well, so what … I will buy the new ones… – she became sad.
– I, by the way, spent a lot of money on the taxi and binge too, – he declared.
They said goodbye at the corner near the bus station. He kissed her and said:
– See you later. I wish you to get home successfully. It was quite lively!

They didn't meet anymore. But he didn't give a password to her. Only sent a screenshot proving that there is no topic about her in the hidden sections. Though it was not so …
… Having lain for a week with poisoning, she understood that to give up meds and to try to drink, "as everyone" – a silly venture.

… It was a November. She felt sad. But some inner force made her move. She wrote to several users:
– Can you vote for me in the topic "To kill a bitch"?
One girl responded.
– And how much will you pay?
– A thousand rubles.
– Well, transfer it to my bank card first.
– Ok.
– Thanks for cooperation!
One more person voted for free. And soon the score instead of 23-21 became already 23-25 to her advantage. The admins began to worry:
– We don’t need inadequate people at the forum.
– And whom is this voting important to! We have no democracy here!
– And I’m not against her, if she stays, – “fire” wrote.
But the administrators already changed their opinion and didn’t want to let her into the forum.

In November she celebrated her birthday for the first time in twenty years.
She invited only Kolya and Sasha. It was pleasant to her, that there’re people around. They were sitting and talking. However, in two hours she was tired from the talk and became reserved. But it was pleasant to herá that for the first time she’s got people whom to celebrate that day with.
It was noisy in the rock bar. Near evening other acquaintances from the forum came, and everyone was incessantly telling something. She and Sasha were drinking lemonade and left at eight pm – he decided to see Anya off to the bus.
… At eight thirty Lesha came into the bar.
– And there was the fucked up here! They have been sitting for the whole day! – he was informed.
– Oof, I’m lucky not to meet her!

At the beginning of December she, as usual, chatted with Kolya. Then he suddenly decided to tell her "all the truth" why people avoid her.
– You are lazy. And unpredictable. And you demand special attitude!
– Why I am lazy?
Then Kolya banned her VK. It seemed very strange to her.

… There came the winter of 2017. Anya, strangely enough, took a second place in the voting of "Ms. forum 2016", and a second place among "the fuckwards of 2016". To celebrate, she began to post from the Sasha’s account, hoping that they will soon return her own account to her. But the account was not returned to her. She had been writing for the whole month, one message a day. But eventually one of the administrators banned her.
– Oh, so sick of Sasha! He is constantly sharing his account with Anya! It’s already the third time we ban him! Now for ever!
– And I thought, he is writing like the fucked up just for fun, – “fire” said.
– Perhaps Sasha will leave the hospital, and the fucked up will hang herself!
– I sure hope! Then we will have nothing to be afraid of.
– We should flood her VK wall with spam!
– And to ban everyone, who is on friendly terms with her!

… She didn't know yet, what is there in the most hidden sections. But she very much wanted to learn that. Just to understand why she is so much disliked by “fire”.

Then Anya bought the password from someone else's over9000 account for earphones and learned the contents of the most hidden sections. There were already a hundred pages in the topic about her. From the topic "the fucked up" she learned that they are afraid of her, consider her "clown" and hate; and the administrators don't protect her any more.
– It is not democracy and not a totalitarianism, but lynching! Norm! – one administrator wrote.
– I likke it too! – “fire” answered, – If she comes to see me, – I’ll involve people and put her into the nutbin forever!

In a year one person, who called her "the fucked up animal" could have changed the opinion of many people and to get them on his side. Many users spread the screenshots of correspondence with Anya, and he did it too.
There came the disappointment. She didn't understand any more, for what and against what she was fighting. For the sake of what she sold herself for the password. For the sake of what she tried to fight against "stigma" and what she expected to achieve. Having lain for three days in the bed, Anya sent the letter to the bully’s wife and told about everything. She answered nothing and banned Anya’s VK account.
Then the decision came – not to write him anymore. So the winter ended …
 






… The early autumn of 2017. Anya is walking along the park. The warm memories of summer are heating the tired thoughts, and the blue sky reminds that inevitably, after a while the flowers and the herbs will appear again, and there will be spring again…