A Practical Joke

- Something wrong must have happened to our business partner. I haven’t heard from him ever since he checked in at the Metropol.
- You mean to say for three days in a row? You are right, something has definitely gone wrong. Today is Tuesday. Well, Tuesday morning. And it is at the party on Friday that I saw him last. We all were a little drunk when we parted. I wonder if he ever made it back to the hotel. You should have called John to make sure he was all right.
- I did try to get in touch with him on Monday, but couldn’t reach him on the phone. And he is not answering e-mails, either. And I didn’t want to disturb him on his weekend, not after his long flight from San-Francisco.
- But we are supposed to have an important meeting today. If he doesn’t show up, we will lose a billion-dollar deal. Pyotr, how come you manage to screw up every job I give you?
- Mr. Berezovsky, please don’t be cross with me. It is not my fault, it seems to be an emergency. Nothing I can do about it.
- Right. Nothing you can do about it now. But if you had done it properly to begin with, there wouldn’t have been any emergency. That’s what I pay you and your security guys for. You should have used your brains, too, if you have any. You should have kept an eye on John ever since he set his foot on the Russian soil, you lazy bastards.
- Sorry about it, sir. It was my fault, but what would you like us to do now?
- Blast me if I know! Keep calling him until he picks up. Send somebody to the hotel, let them talk to the reception, the maids, the doormen, everybody. But remember I don’t want to get the police involved. As long as we can do without the police, we should do without the police.
- I copy that. One more thing, sir. We received a very strange letter this morning, a hand-written one. I wonder if it has anything to do with John’s disappearance.
- A hand-written letter? In whose name? Let me look at it at once! My ass, it has everything to do with John. It’s a goddamn kidnapping, that’s what it is! …..your friend has decided to take a short rest with us, but he will join you as soon as you deposit 3 million dollars on our bank account the details whereof are specified here below. It is not a lot of money that we are talking about, and it is a fair deal, because after you have paid, you will become a lot more comfortable doing your joint business here in Moscow. Should you start making trouble, or refuse to cooperate, your friend will be sending you one of his cut off fingers every Friday. Very truly yours, your well-wisher.
God damn it, Pyotr! Have you read this shit? This is blackmail, that’s all it is. These motherfuckers who do they think they are to blackmail SovKomNeft? I swear to God that I will get them by the balls before they can say Jack Robinson. They will wish they had never been born. Just do what you have to, John, and let me make a short phone call.

- Hello, morning, Zakhar! How is everything going? Yes, this is Boris speaking. Nice to know you can still recognize my voice. Well, of course you can see my number, too. But I am getting old, so you should make allowances. I apologize, but I have to get straight to the point. John, my business partner from San-Francisco, has been kidnapped in Moscow, Metropol. Well, I don’t know exactly when, sometime between Friday and Monday. Can you do me a small favor? Could you find out who these guys are and explain to them they are not right. Of course. Of course I will invite you to our next corporate party, make no mistake about it. Yes, and tell them to stay away from John from now on.

- Boris, hi, this is me, John. I am back in my room, in Metropol. Listen, Boris, it looks like I won’t be able to be at your office today by noon. I am afraid it will have to be half an hour later, if you don’t mind. I have to stick to my diet and take my pills on time. You know what, I appreciate that joke of yours with the kidnapping. I know you Russians have got a very exquisite sense of humor. Please tell your guys that was the best practical joke ever staged on me in my life. Oh, no, they were extremely polite. Especially after they had got a phone call from someone they called Zakhar. And what do you want me to do with that briefcase full of dollars? Please do not pretend you don’t know. The one they gave me to make it up for the inconvenience, as they put it. Well, I will give it back to you later today. See you soon!