The Hilarious relatives-in-law. Chapter 6

THE HILARIOUS RELATIVES-IN-LAW

Gorbachev's appointment as the First Secretary of the USSR Communist Party and then the subsequent Chernobyl disaster are considered to be the starting point of the countdown of the Soviet Union`s demise. Meanwhile, one by one all sort of goods began to gradually disappear from the shops around the country. Intensive struggle against drunkenness led to a partial shortage of alcohol supply and a rise in prices of alcoholic beverages. In small towns and villages sausage became a luxury item, or, rather, an invaluable commodity, for the purchase of which one had to go to Moscow or Kyiv. People wondered where the soap, washing powder, tobacco products, sugar and the rest of the goods had got to? Everything seemed to have disappeared into thin air. There were only salted sprats, canned fish, margarine, mineral water and bread on the sale. However, some people seemed to know the cause of it all. Rumor had it that the food was rotting in warehouses. That it was done with a tacit acquiescence of the government on purpose. But what kind of purpose such a large-scale deficit was being created for no one knew.

And how could they comprehend it? Taking into account the fact that the villagers worked from morning till night in the fields of the collective farms and gathered the same amount of agricultural produce as before, giving everything away to the state, some ulterior motive was definitely underway. Some government officials were likely responsible for the shortage of goods. "Where has everything gone to?" people kept repeating the same question time and again.

The biggest shock was the stoppage of payment of wages. Pensioners were the only ones, who with a long delay but, at least, received scanty amounts of money. They literally became the richest inhabitants of the village, as the agricultural workers worked on the record. The delay in wages has reached up to five years. Then it became clear that the collective farm would not pay off its debt to the workers. Farms, created for decades, were dismantled for construction material and the arrears were paid off to a certain extent. Money had become as rare as the goods on which it could be spent. Although, there was a silver bullet to temporarily solve that issue. Alcohol took the place of the medium of exchange. Even teenagers knew in the village how much vodka one had to trade for a particular service. Either one worked for free or took vodka for his help. Refusing to help the others was almost impossible - everybody in the village was as close as relatives. They might have taken offense and spread rumors around the village. There is no doubt that a bad reputation is like tar: it sticks easily but washed away heavily.

At the local culture club there used to be art amateur groups and a choir. It's not a secret that the Ukrainians are a singing nation. They cannot live without songs, dancing and fun. Each holiday the local choir gave a performance, sometimes it took part in district town song competitions. On special occasions huge festivities were arranged by the local authorities, such as scenic performances, sport competitions, different contests in strength and dexterity. On the central square there was a tall pillar. One, who could climb to the top of it and tear off a numbered token, won a prize. Such a person was considered the most agile one in the village and had respect of the local residents.

The village was able to live cheerfully. Every day a new film was shown in the cinema. A wedding ceremony and seeing off of young recruits to the army parties were held one by one - such events gathered dozens and even hundreds of guests. The tables were simply piled with food and alcohol.

Having his fill of sumptuous dishes, drinking, singing, dancing a guest got too tired for that kind of carry-on now, he needed to give a respite to his body.  But how was that possible? A week later someone invited him to a party again. Yes, life was good, and it was fun to live. And where had that all gone to? While in the big cities only structural changes had occurred and a number of cultural and entertainment establishments had only increased, which preserved cultural development, the collapse of the economy was, in a full sense of the word, a tragedy for the village. Public values began dying out. The village shifted from the position of a collective community to a lower level of orientation on social values - to family ones; each family lived by their own rules. The goals and tasks that had united the workforce in a common pursuit of personal and public well-being were a thing of the past. Such changes disunited people, made them angry, hostile and desperate.

During the initial years after the proclamation of Ukraine as an independent state, collective farmers continued to work in the former Soviet conditions. Although, money was not still paid for the work, the track record was maintained and the workers hoped that, at least in their retirement, they would receive a pension. Armed clashes in other regions of the USSR forced some people, who had left the village when the Soviet Union was at its flourish, to return to their places of origin.

One of such refugees was Sucker's family. They left Azerbaijan, sold their apartment in Baku, and built a two-story house in their father's village, which decorated by its unusual modern design the unattractive, dilapidated street. Sucker`s family included three more brothers and the father, who was a retired officer. Two elder brothers got married and left their newly built house. They got jobs as mechanics at the local tractor facilities and seemed not to regret leaving Baku at all.

Sucker stayed to live with his father and a younger brother, who was soon recruited to the army. The family began living a normal rural life. They planted potatoes, bought a cow, and furnished the house. Having received psychological stress from moving from another country, from urban conditions, they quickly restored, to some extent, the lost material wealth and adopted a rural way of life.

But as Comrade Lenin said, "Being forms consciousness." They could not keep up their individual principles for a long time; the local society put new challenges for them. In the long run, they became like the rest of the inhabitants. The youngest brother went to the army to repay his debt to the homeland.

When Sucker got married, his family increased by a bunch of new relatives. The girl's parents were without a care in the world. Their only concern was obtain alcohol by any means. Every single day the relatives-in-law paid a visit to their relative-in-law, who had a decent pension after many years of service as an army officer. They supported him morally, helped him about his household, kept him company at a bottle of vodka: in general, they diversified the life of their relative-in-law, adding some color to his gray existence. Over time a number of visits increased; even the decent pension was not enough for booze anymore.

"We must do something about it," the relatives-in-law decided. They saw Cardan confidently walking along the street. He was a medium height man with a benevolent, sympathetic and sincere expression on his face; he always inspired hope with his open mind. Light gray eyes encountered an audacious look of any person without blinking; thin lips spoke encouraging and soothing words. His chest, constantly exposed forward, and his unbuttoned jacket inspired untamed boldness. It seemed that his whole look said, "You can rely on me." He was a glib talker, an easy-going person, always emotionally responsive to other people's grief.

"This is the man we need," the relatives-in-law agreed. "Hey, Cardan, can you help us straighten some things out with a sale of a motorcycle? Petrol is expensive, spare parts cannot be bought anywhere, you know, everything is in short supply now. It only stands and rots in the garage."
"You know it yourself how deeply I respect you. If it were someone else, I would give it a second thought. What concerns you though, I'm always ready to give you a hand."
"That sounds logical. We must help each other out."
"Motorcycle you say? I think I can handle it. I'll find you a buyer. It`s very bad that a good thing is perishing. Someone had better repair it and put it to a good use.”
"If you help us sell it, we will not leave you in trouble, we will pay you decently. You know what they say: you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. "
Soon Cardan found a buyer and the motorcycle "went from under the gavel."
Unfortunately, the money gained from its sale was soon squandered. And the question arose again: what was to be done next?

"Listen, relative," the relatives-in-law came to a conclusion, "what purpose do you need the garage for? By the way, it is always empty. You haven`t got neither a motorcycle, nor a car. Why do you need it in the yard, it just stands there in vain? Doesn't it sound logical?"
"Yes, you`re right. You can`t argue with logic," he agreed wisely.

They dismantled it for building material, and Cardan helped them sell it. "What a good man Cardan is, he always comes to the rescue, he never refuses to give a hand," the relatives-in-law often talked to each other, sitting at a drink. "What would we do without him? So quickly does he react. So beautifully can he approach people. He seems to be able to sell anything to anyone."

As soon as the money gained from the sale of the garage was spent, the relatives-in-law came across the same question again: what was to be done next?

Then they dismantled the iron fence and sold it to a scrap metal collector. While they were drinking and carousing, they did not notice how the summer flew by.
"Look, relative, why do you need a cow? There's no hey in your shed. What will you feed her with? We must sell her, or else she will starve to death. Doesn't it sound logical?"
"Well, even if I wanted to beat logic, I couldn`t. That`s indisputable," he agreed sagely like a philosopher.

They sold the cow. The whole winter they drank and caroused. As spring came around the relatives-in-law asked their relative-in-law, "Why do you need a cast iron stove top on the stove for the summer? Let's sell it. When the winter comes around, we will buy a new one. Doesn't it sound logical?"
"Yes, it does. You`re right again. It`s definitely according to logic and can`t be beaten. The reason is that I simply don`t need a stove in the summer," the relative-in-law agreed nonchalantly.
"Cardan, can you find a buyer for the cast iron stove top?" We will pay you well if you help us," they suggested.
"Well, let's keep an open mind about it. How am I supposed to find a buyer for a second-hand stove top? Firstly, it must be shown, only then someone might buy it."
"Fair enough. Take it. You'll find a buyer faster with it," the relatives-in-law conceded.

Cardan loaded the stove top on a bicycle and went to look for a buyer. However, on the way he came up with an insidious plan. He hid the stove top in a bush and moved to the nearest house.
"Excuse me," he called out, knocking at the gate," do you need a cast iron stove top for the stove?"
A minute later the owner of the house came out to Cardan.
"You're saying a stove top. How much?"
"A liter of vodka."
"Where is it?"
"If you give me vodka, I'll bring it to you straightaway."
The man`s brow furrowed with suspicion.
"Eh, Cardan," he said, "I am not the one, who can be taken for a fool so easily. First, produce me the stove top, and then I will pay you for it. You know the drill."
"Let me break it down to you logically," Cardan started explaining it in a philosophical way, taught from the relatives-in-law, "how can I take something from the people if I do not pay for it?  Knowing my nature, they will send me back to you."
"Yes, you`re right, it sounds logical. I would not trust you either. Hold on! I'll be back in a jiffy."
The man went into the yard and a few minutes later he came back with a liter of vodka.
"Don`t you try and deceive me! You know me well! If I catch you lying to me, you'll be history. I`ll give you such a beating that you`ll never forget it!"
"I know, I know! If it weren't you but someone else, then, maybe, I would make a fool out of him. But I know that such tricks will not go down with you".
"That's right, Cardan, I see that you know it." His face brightened smugly.

Later the things happened exactly according to the logical principles.  Never again neither the relatives-in-law, nor the man himself saw neither the bottle of vodka, nor the stove top anymore.

The deceived man, seduced by an opportunity to purchase a necessary thing for his household for a meager price, was beside himself with anger for a while. How could that have happened to him? He couldn't understand it. He had never received such merciless blows from his fate in his lifetime. Anger did not leave him neither at night, nor in the daytime. "Oh, bastard," he thought, "if you only get into my eyesight, I'll shake your soul out of you." The man went running to look for Cardan in the village but he simply disappeared like a ghost. "He seems to be very scared. He must have holed up in a secluded place somewhere, waiting for the trouble to blow over. That creep knows that I will not leave it like that," he consoled his vanity.

A week passed by, then another one. The anger started abating, gradually changing into a state of bitterness. He began to feel sorry for himself, to seek excuses. The cheated man could not accept the fact that he was not actually the smartest, the most wise person in the world. However, he found an excuse for his misfortune. It turned out that he accidentally trusted Cardan, haphazardly succumbed to the temptation, inadvertently paid him before he received the stove top; and these things he did despite the fact that he was aware of Cardan`s tricks and scams and knew what that man was capable of. Therefore, he could not make a slip because of his foolishness, which means he made a mistake by sheer chance.

A month later the man managed to meet his abuser. Cardan faced him with a confident and sincere look. Such an honest and childlike innocent expression on his face lit in him a spark of a benevolent disposition towards his offender. Over the past month his anger, resentment, and desire for revenge had almost come to nothing. However, in order to save his reputation, he pounced truculently on the malicious hustler. His outrage reflected off of him like X rays off of lead. No penetration whatsoever. Cardan countered his arguments with irrefutable logic. He smoothed things out by managing to lay out in small details why he had failed to bring the stove top and return the vodka, where he had gone to, who he had spoken with, what had prevented his actions, who had prevented them: one thing led to another and the whole situation was reduced to mere chance.

"Cardan explained himself so clearly, put everything together so beautifully that it was hard not to believe him. Of course, in the back of my mind I knew that he was lying, but for some strange reason I wanted to accept his arguments," the man told his fellow villagers later in order to justify himself. He forgave Cardan for the fact that he became the victim of his scam because it turned out that everything happened by mere chance and no one was to blame for anything.

This time Cardan got away with it. He was used to living on the edge though. He could not live a normal, peaceful life, like most people did. So it was in his nature to run into trouble and to worm his way out of it.

The relative-in-law together with the relatives-in-law went on selling unnecessary things in the household. Iron beds were sold to a scrap collector - it was more logical to sleep on the floor. Logic was not observed in the keeping of food in the fridge - for that purpose was a cellar. The same news is written in the newspapers as shown on television, so a TV set was unnecessary at home. It was as comfortable to sit on chairs as in armchairs and on sofas, so they occupied useful space in the house.

Ultimately, the heart of the old officer could not stand such terrible illogicality and he passed away to the "other world". The relatives-in-law moved to his house to live with their daughter and son-in-law. Everything, which was possible to sell, turned out to be unnecessary for the household. A couple of years later they passed away and departed to the place of "eternal peace", where they were expected by their relative-in-law. One of the four brothers moved to Russia, where his wife was from. Soon his three brothers emigrated to Russia as well.

One day they got together and decided, "Why do we need a house in the countryside, in which no one lives? Let's dismantle it for building material and sell it. Doesn't it sound logical?"
"Yes it does," all the brothers agreed in unison.

Now on the spot, where the beautiful house used to decorate the entire street, only wind wanders. In bad weather it rushes over a hillock of the remaining debris of bricks and slate. As a rightful lord he felt his strength, grew stronger and blew through the village, sweeping away dozens of rural homes. People did not know where everything had gone to, but the answer was quite obvious: it had been the fault of the evil wind of change.