Laying in the Snow

I feel need to talk about this amazing experience, and - I do not know how or where to start.

In my long and not an easy life it was such an unusual piece of my inner history, full of tragedy and secret beauty.

You still continue... Or not? Now we know each other for four years, so, in any case, you are firmly entrenched into my life, our fates are intertwined and our hearts are still tied and soldered. Even now, at this very moment, you think of me warmly, and I can feel it, love.

And then it was almost beginning.

When you first came into my life - I couldn't believe, what a happy one I was then. I woke up in the morning or at night, and the first thing that came into my mind was your name. I repeated it and felt the most loved and the happiest woman in the world.

"Hi, my love! How are you? Miss you so much! You are the last girl in my life! No one can take your place! My life belongs to you and you only! I love you so much, my princess. I am only yours!"

You may laugh at me, naive and silly, but I believed you, believed what you said, because I was alone for long, so long awaited for new love, I was desperate to fall in love ever again ... and suddenly it happened! They say the power of love depends on the period of prior waiting. And my trust in your words and your love was the result of my trust in God, Who once said to me in response to my prayer: "Wait!".

I waited and you came. And then I said to myself: "Lord is good, He cannot deceive my expectations, so He sent to me such a wonderful person!" Yes, you have been wonderful for me, the best man on the earth. There were many guys around, some fell in love in earnest and still somewhere nearby, and - yes, I paid them attention for some time, flirted with them, I know you did not like it, forced to be jealous, but gradually you became for me the one and only, and when you were with me, the rest of the world was forgotten completely.

But happiness did not last for long. Very soon you became moody, began to torment me, we fought, you endlessly added and removed new girls, you lied to me, promised to change, gave your word, and the next day broke it.

But Lord was there in our relationships from the very beginning, He supported me in my, so fragile and unreliable these days, love for you. The very first time - at the cemetery in Cologne, when I was sitting on a bench at the foot of my favorite crucifixion, and went deeply in prayer about the situation I was in, and suddenly, came quiet and calming, "Hold on a little more!"- How much "a little", Lord? About a week?.."

You may smile again... Yes, right after a week you said you wanted to be with me and asked me to be your wife. Fourteenth day of October, Pocrov.

Then... I remember the evening when I was so tired of your moody character that I said to myself: "That's enough! We must break all at once, while I have not fallen in love with him for real!" And at that time I heard: "Do not do it! He sincerely loves you!" And my anger vanished immediately. I decided to be patient... Lord supported me again and again – sometimes clearly, other times as if hidden, in awake or in asleep, but these words: "Be patient, be patient" - I hear almost always, it has become a leitmotif of our relations.

I stayed. All continued: our conversations, your whims, my tears, our quarrels and our love. In the end - yes, I fell in love with you for real.
 
And then came January 201*... Another girl. You lied to me so many times! You said: "Stacy is pregnant. I have to marry her!" Stacy... you just invented it, it never even existed, but you tormented me so much by this invented character, ensuring that I fell in love with you more, and then, when I WAS in love - you left me.

The pain was incredible. I was not able to bear it. I could not even stay at home - I went into forest and laid down on the ground. I do not know why, maybe because the earth is a living being, our mother and sympathizes with us in our affliction - but when I laid in the snow and looked up at the sky, just laid there and watched - my pain receded. And I was able to think. And there in this moment, when my mind was no longer paralyzed by pain, I realized that you were lying again, that there was no pregnancy - men behave differently, coming to know about pregnancy of their random friend... and you were happy.

You know how it hurts: to see you happy, while I was dying, couldn’t live, couldn’t breathe because of my love, my longing for you?

My cruel lover! If you are unable to understand a woman and to share with her, and ONLY with her, all feelings, then at least do not say these words: "I love you!" You did not know then yet what it is: to love... to lose... to die in the snow...

I laid in the snow, staring at the sky, thinking of God and His incomprehensible fates... and suddenly I realized what it means: Believe! I FELT faith.

“Believe” means to see that what you're asking for, has already been fulfilled. It is already here! Believe! These words of the Apostle: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" - I experienced then; Lord shed His light on me and the earth gave peace of mind and strength.

I got up and went home, renovated. I went and hugged trees. And with this new inner experience of faith... that would be impossible without that deadly pain that I went through... because of you or... - why not say it? - thanks to you.

Since then you killed me several times. But we are still connected. I learned so many things in these years with you! You were for me an angel and a demon. I learned so much just from inside!

And these words of Christ: "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder" - I also understood in the inner way, as said about us. Let no man put asunder, because... man cannot separate hearts connected by God. And if He wills, then this relationships remain - in this world, and in the subsequent worlds - neither you nor I, nor anyone else can break this connection.

At the moment of confusion or doubt when I'm a kind of forgetting this experience of faith, I always want to lay down on the ground. I find some quiet, free from people area, lay down, look at the sky - and at the same instant remember my experience of faith! And every time I get up renewed, elated, believing!  





Shilpi Gupta: Wow ! Is this your story?

Nadia Birru: just a story, read it like that

Shilpi Gupta: Yup. I already read it. Very nicely written. It is showing the feelings of a woman in various stages.

Nadia Birru: for me it's rather about some spiritual experience, when being in Love and in pain is JUST condition for getting something more precious

Shilpi Gupta: Yes!

Nadia Birru: :) you are the only brave person to comment on it, Shilpi! Congratulations :)

Shilpi Gupta: Yes. I am brave. Thank you

Johnson Brrd: Whatever story you write, its always connected to love whether it's in sorrow or in happiness. I love it Nadia. You always write an iconic poem. What a poet! :)

Nadia Birru: all about love? no, Bhabe, it's just you probably notice love notes the most :) actually I write about many different things. And once again: this one it NOT about love, love is the background, atmosphere. In Russian this piece is named FAITH, cause the main topic is how God has shown me what faith means... And if this point is not understood by readers means it is not really written well.
but thx for commenting nevertheless!

Johnson Brrd: No. I dont mean an erotic love. I meant, its love whether its about erotic, filial, or Agape love. Your pure emotion is always in your notes. :)

Nadia Birru: ok, Bhabe! :) probably you should have a look at these notes: Angel on the Roof, Source of Happiness, the dialogue about creativity, The Road, The farewell prelude (24 of may 2014), The Farewell Prelude (6 of May 2014) and try to find some love emotions there... :) As about erotic, I don't publish such notes here, except the only one :) But once again thx for you opinion. I ALWAYS love to hear from you!

Fatima B. Basha: It's so nice Nadia! The value of the whole story lies behind Faith. It is present along the thread of the story. It is an arm for the spirit in case of win or defeat in love, or in life in general. I appreciate so much the way you write ! You even included the question of "fate" that gives particularly a philosophical aspect to the story. Besides, seeking refuge to land "mother" is like running to mother's chest. It absorbs all the pain, the suffering and worries to give back reassurance and strength instead.

Nadia Birru: thx for understanding. That's what I meant to say... :)

Faisal Shabir: feelings change, faith changes.

Nadia Birru: well, the comment about your life-experience, Faisal, not about the note. Actually what i write needs really VERY DEEP understanding, so as I see on these comments, just one person was able to understand what I really meant

Faisal Shabir: hmmm i will read again later n will try to understand it..

Nadia Birru: ok, try... let's see if it possible to be understood by a man? :)

Faisal Shabir: hahaha will see.. :P

from my book "Time of Tulips. My facebook stories"

*to kill here actually means to transform, so in inner story of my soul a lover always is a helper in transformation