My last letter to you

Hi.
It’s me again.

I know each time you receive a text from me you don’t know what and don’t want to answer. Don’t bother you are not obliged to answer this one too.

Actually I don’t know if somebody still writes letters. I think writing the paper one will be much stranger than this thing. But please don’t think that I’m a stalker or something…Because from my side it is the last step towards you.

This will be my last letter to you. I can even say this letter will be the last for me. It’s like psychological ending. I need to finish everything and it will be much easier for me if I let you go by writing this text. It takes me so much courage to send you this but I need to gather all my thoughts,  all my emotions and just let you go.

It’s hard for me. Even after everything you did to me I can’t so easily let you go. But I have to. Because relationships should bring joy, positive emotions, smiles… but all I have had with you lately is pain, lumps of tears hidden in my chest, jealousy and so much worry that I can’t even describe it to you. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you for that. Please don’t think that I write you this to cause any feeling of guilt in you. Not at all.

I want to tell you sorry for one thing. When we were fighting I told you that everything should have stopped after our first night. That’s a lie. I would have repeated everything many-many times. I don’t regret a single minute. I don’t regret any crazy thing we did together. You opened new feelings for me. You opened new me. Maybe for you it wasn’t anything special, but for me it was. I learned to love. I can tell you for sure - you are my first true love. And maybe that’s why I have’t let you go for so long. I saved this beautiful feeling in my heart and head and any other organ :) I held it like a kid is holding his old toy that parent want to throw away. And this kid, she can’t throw it away because so many beautiful moments are connected with it. Throwing it away will mean forgetting everything. I don’t want to forget and I won’t.

I understand that we won’t be together, though I want it with all my heart. But I can’t push you into that. You are free. You enjoy your freedom and I have no right to take this from you unless you want it yourself. I really want you to be happy. Very very happy. In your job, writing, photograph, relations, travelling. Be happy :) I will be happy too. I promise it to myself.

But it’s hard to imagine that I will not shiver and smile each time I see fireworks. Because that is the moment when everything started for me and for you as you told me in Suro. These were amazing days. You know I still remember how we lay in the darkness in that flat and you turned on some french poet on YouTube and was so passionately repeating after him. Gosh… I watched you in darkness and knew that I’m totally caught up in your nets.

And after that I was sitting almost naked on the windowsill and we were smoking in the dark. I said something stupid and felt that it turned you off a bit… But yes, I’m totally stupid in the questions of relationships.

I don’t know if you remember all this but I do. For me this trip to Suro was the craziest thing I ever did in my life and this crazy thing turned out to be the happiest.

After that I have been always so eager to receive a message from you. Anything. How you are doing, where you are going…And we talked a lot with you. When you were in Kari we were close. I felt like this… but then something happened. I don’t know what. But you changed. You became colder to me and I still keep thinking what I did wrong. But I guess I should stop thinking about that. If you don’t tell me or don’t want to tell me - I won’t push you. It’s just I’m not the one you want to share your feelings with.

You told me once that you can’t understand how I feel because I always look happy. Well.. when I were with you - I was happy. I didn’t want to bother you with my family or my inner problems. Because I’m not sure that the guy I’m sleeping with wants to know what is really happening inside of me. Because I was so scared that you would leave. But you left anyway… so maybe you were right and I shouldn’t have hidden everything. But you know I told you once what I felt and you accused me of controlling you and being the centre of the world. So you know I’m still dubious about that :)

I stopped texting you. This is a big win for me. The win on controlling myself. But you text me sometimes and each time you appear everything just awakes with the same power and I start waiting for you again and hoping that something could be possible. But you know what the hardest thing is? When you are silent. You know it would be much easier for me if you said - stop texting or I’m busy or We won’t meet or something else. But when you just read messages and keep silent - that is killing something inside of me.

I say you “thank you”. Thank you for emotions, thank you for happiness, thank you for being the man of my dreams, thank you for opening new parts of me, thank you for teaching me a lesson, thank you for showing me a totally new world.

Just know that somewhere in Tellervo there is a girl who loves you.  I love you, Ohio Rannikko. I don’t want to hide it, to keep it a secret. I know that you can disappear forever, but at least I know I told you that. I did everything I could to be with you but my only desire for that is not enough.

I don’t want to lose you but I’m ready for that.

Kisses to you and a hug.

Your H.