The Flock and White Crows

DEATH of The WHITE CROW

Mother’s Husband died. Now I'm the only White Crow left. When I asked him once what did I do to earn Flock'd adversity, his answer was "You separated yourself, you left the Flock" and it was considered a crime. Flock doesn't like it. Flock needs revenge. Mother’s Husband  tried to survive inside of The Flock and sometimes envied me that I was brave enough to separate myself from the Flock and even confront  it.
He had an autistic mind.
• Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
• Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
 His "subject of interest" or Theme was beauty in all its forms and a female beauty especially. He was pretty na;ve, didn't navigate good in life. He got fascinated with Mother's beauty and married her in spite of the fact that he was 4 years younger, never married before and seems was a virgin.  The divorced mother with 2 kids was his first woman. He never had an experience with a virgin and often expressed his regret and sorrow about that. The only beloved child of his single mother he got straight under my Mother’s care and her strong supervision. He became her main child.
Beloved child, but very difficult, who needed a lot of attention. He could not be a father figure for us as kids of course. Maybe if he would get his own children, he could be a good father, but by the time they got married mother was not able to have children physically. Maybe he didn't know about that, when he married her. That was another cause of his sorrow in life. Mother manipulated relationship between him and us carefully, so he felt that we were her children and he just was her husband.
"Husband is more important than children" was her slogan for us

Anyway being obsessed with beauty and especially with female beauty he couldn't miss a young female walking around without touching. It was kind of innocent on his side. Probably he really couldn't understand that he did something wrong. My reaction however was very negative and he really couldn't understand why it was such a big deal for me "what has happen to you if I'd touch you?"
Because of that we didn't get along. Mother was angry at me of course. I didn't tell her the reason, because .....
if I'd tell her and she'd do nothing-I'd start hating her (later she learned about that , but expressed zero reaction)
and
if I'd tell her and she'd kick him out because of that she'd be miserable without him and she would hate me. It was lose-lose situation
I was trapped in that situation and outside it looked as I created the issue of not getting along, creating tension in the environment.
Anyway, my relationship with  both of them was bad because of that. However later it changed. Our relationship with mother became worse, but with her husband it improved. I started to see them the way they were. He was more human and became my defender in front of Mother
 We communicated pretty often with him, mostly over the phone. As his style was endless self-talk, usually I was supposed to listen and bend an ear to him. I knew that if he reacts negatively to my rare attempts to intervene into his endless talk or object something and he started to get angry, it meant he was in a good term with Mother and had accordingly negative attitude towards me. Sometimes, however, he not only let me talk ,but often was agree and even more pay respect to my talk and it meant he was angry with mother. Overall he used to say openly by his naivety, that I was much smarter than mother, which of course used to bring Mother's negative reaction out. At the same time he often used to repeat that Mother holds the first place by her beauty, my daughter was the second one and I was on the last place.

MOTHER

Mother is an example of "normality" and the Head of Flock. She was highly respected by other people. Her self-esteem is unshakable. So many times I tried to find out what is going on inside of her, but never succeeded. Conflict between her and me continued all my life. Her Theme or obsession is "her bad health". The amount of medication she swallowed is her pride.
Mother got herself a husband and she used to say "Husband is more important than children.".....but husband is important to the point he serves her...then Her Health is the only reference to anything. Mother's ability to lie is phenomenal. She  always "could find a way to cross the Red Sea", she always could find a point to protect herself from any true statement and get away from any corner I got her in. If I’d work hard to present the situation w/o favorable exist for her, the reaction would be "immediately rise of blood pressure" which requires immediate exist from the whole situation. She never had any doubts or even hesitation in righteousness of her actions. Her own wellbeing is her religious. It's sacred

BROTHER

Brother is a CIO of the Flock. He carries an executive function of Flock ideology. His Theme or obsession is "egoism". Talking about health is act of egoism according to Brother. As mother and her husband were both egoistic (who are not?), so in teen-youth years my brother and me became great friends and teamed up against them. Brother was a real big caring brother to me for a while. I looked up at him and measured everything and everybody according to his evaluation and opinion. We were best friends.
With all of us living together Mother and her husband had their own budget and we have ours. Their food and our food, although mother provided for our food as I was  still in school and brother just started college. We were really great friends until brother got married and left for another city.....Then mother started her job of putting him against me.
She succeeded......we became enemies.
I believe both of us continue missing each other-that time when we understood each other, were great support to each other, trust each other, etc., etc.....but every time we tried to  revive that kind of relationship-it eventually failed and turned into adversary.
Actually he doesn’t have his own opinion, cannot clearly think with his own mind and only listens to his emotions which are
pretty hostile when his Ego is in danger and  governed exclusively by his obsession to teach others what they should do with their lives
His problem which a knowledgeable professor explained as
"a syndrome of a small person" who constantly trying to make himself feel better about himself by trying to belittle other people in order to feel good an himself compare to others, teach them how they should live their lives, etc, etc. (my daughter is very good pray for his psychic) When I used to be in depressions he usually enjoyed visiting me and "helping me" by telling me what to do (as for example I'm the grandma whom my grandkids love and who really could give them something good) and I need to communicate with them more often. A few months later his Ego felt very good that I was not able to communicate with my grandkids. Involving in other people's lives has the only purpose-to satisfy his own Ego.
No medication can help here........sickness w/o improvement...no point to talk....

DAUGHTER

My daughter and me became very close when we came to USA and escaped from the Flock who wanted to send us back to Soviet Union. It happened that we became best friends (which is considered wrong from normal point of view) and had support, love and respect to each other
When my daughter got married and problem in their marriage started, of course I was the one to blame. My daughter complained to me and of course as a best friend I tried to help her out. Eventually it played against me (as it usually happens in normal world) and here the Flock became very active. They very quickly destroyed the good relationship we had with my daughter away from the Flock. Probably they wanted to revenge. They became a good support to my son in law who skillfully used me as a Scapegoat for their marriage problems and Flock for support.

 Now when my daughter was not with me any longer they took her into the Flock and started to teach her to be "the right person" which included "not to be as your mother", “stay away from her as she will destroy your marriage”, etc. Daughter betrayed me easily.
Mother’s husband was the one who had a different perspective. But Flock's attitude to him was similar as to me
After the Flock took my daughter to their side I struggled hard to reverse it. I wanted my daughter to have a mother in her life, something I never had. My daughter does have a weak mind and it’s very easy to influence her. But Flock is powerful and I have no power whatsoever, so they won. We became enemies.
The more we live the more it feels as she becomes as Mother with the main difference- mother does everything on her own, while daughter does everything under other people influence following the one who gives her more in any given moment.

NIECE

Recently Flock got a new member-my niece from my ex-husband side. Neice was a straightforward truth seeker as me and we kind of had "a common language". She was a White Crow for her own folk
All those years I tried to be helpful to her and a few times applied to her for help myself to clear up things. Her obsession is LOVE-between men and women something she thinks she knows, but other don't and she is unable to explain them. She is love/hate person. Got 2 kids from a man she experiences love/hate simultaneously....etc..
She is from divorced family and  she is religious believing in God and Satan, so I think she puts me in this or that scheme "G-d or Satan" depending on her own circumstances in life. People usually use my situation for their own life issues
Her Theme-obsession was LOVE between man and a woman.

SON in LAW

With becoming a mother-in-law a new hell started for me.I was blamed for everything without a right to object as nobody was interested.(Scripal issue) As usual I fought for justice. My SIL is a great programmer. He used to work for NASA. Being  a good programmer, he is a great user at the same time in a real life. He uses me as a Scapegoat for their marriage by creating a good programs which he uses.

So, one year Daughter and me wanted to take kids to Nayagra Fall and possibly meet with the Niece who  lives in Canada. Son in law decided to join us and I thought to myself.
"I made it. I worked hard to make things right-my daughter would have mother, my grandkids -a grandma they like, I'll have a daughter and grandkids, -everything now  is how it supposed to be-it should be better than my own  scenario with relatives" Having positive thoughts usually work the opposite with me

In the end Son in law chose to stay home with kids and Daughter and me went to Canada. After we returned, we took kids to the ocean. I took vacation and came there to work with Daughter on my website making huge preparation for that.  Son in law programmed Daughter  the way it was not possible to do anything without him and his part was to explain us that nothing could be done. He created the situation where I lost my temper which he used to show that I'm harm for their family life and my daughter should stop communicating with me and all communication should be only through him. He quickly cleaned their home from my stuff and didn't let me to spent 5 mins with my grandkids out of his presence

MOTHER and POLISH PRIEST

When I was in Moscow in August 1991 for interview in US embassy it was a coup days. Embassy was near the Red Square. Scared Americans quickly gave us OK and we joined crowd on the Red Square just the moment the  freedom was declared. A person on the tank announced it and at the same moment the sky became clear up, the heavy energy started to disappear, people faces lightened up and 3 days of unforgettable human unity started to spread on the Red Square. It was impossible to leave such an extraordinary event. One day I stopped by the crowd of people listening to a man talk. He talked about mothers, children… Lives affected on many generations. It was just about Mother and my conflict, something I tried to solve my whole life. In couple of days I had a face to face conversation with that man who came out to be a Polish priest. He asked me everything in details and said that till Mother would be alive overall situation would not be good for me. He especially pointed to Mother being a doctor.

With this prognosis I came to America. Polish Priest was right
Seems I did so much of everything to change that destructive situation, but nothing worked. Everything I did eventually got destroyed or crashed and Mother was somehow related to it through the Brother or Daughter or even through Coworkers. So, I patiently waited more then 25 years to learn that Polish priest was wrong. Mother’s death made situation even worse. But those years waiting gave me peace

THE LAST MEETING of WRITE CROWS

After my daughter and her husband actions to destroy my work and her husband completely destroying our relationship I decided to write mother about Priest prophecy making the efforts to get through her mental deafness.  But I need a support of her husband, otherwise it'd be useless. He usually was the one to get my messages to her.  He didn't answer the phone.  Mother said he moved to another apartment, but didn't give me his new address. Eventually I could obtain the phone of his home who told me that he was not good physically and mentally as well. So, I went there. As I didn't see him for a few years I was surprised how much he became to look as his own mother. His mind was not in a good shape.
 His most obsession and hallucinations was about me and my brother, but mostly about me. I constantly “came” to his apartment to do some business, I didn't let him sleep, because I tried to occupy his bed and that made him to fell from bed a couple of times. It was other strange things as well-different animals lived in his place and had sex all the time. According to his home attendant he fed them when he was alone...so food was all over. I worked for 15 years in mental health facility. I never deny psychosis, but try to fix it from inside going into it with a person and take them out of there. It worked good although professionals are totally against that way calling it “feeding the psychosis “, but my practice never support that attitude. On contrary a person becomes calm and cooperative and together you can get to a safe place…..
So, I told him that those "unwanted visitors" are obvious spirits as he used to insist of being a medium or adept when he wrote his novel. So stuff about beauty just comes to him from above for his novel "Admiration of Beauty". So, it's not a surprise that spirits visit him. I asked all details and told him that I'd ask religious people to pray so spirits would leave him. He was very happy with that solution.( Home attendant told me that next week he really didn't have any visitors and was very happy. I didn't have time yet to talk to religious people, but my promise worked by itself)So, I got some ideas how to improve his life, possibly by buying computer to him, etc.

I had to come again December 31. I prepared a lot of chocolate and other his favorite stuff. Home attendant prepared some food as well. December 30 at morning he got heart attack and afternoon he died. I know that they had conversation with Mother. When I came the first time he asked me to go to Mother as well because they live nearby. I refused. I know that Mother used to give him hard time every time I visited him, but didn’t come to her. He was very naive and used to share everything with Mother in spite of constant negative consequences.
So, I hoped that Mother finally would bring me freedom from the Flock, but other thing happened.
When he died home attendant called mother, but she said to leave her alone.
At morning we met at the hospital. Official person told us that funeral cost minimum $4000. The other alternative was just city will take care of it and it’d be common unknown grave . That was not acceptable. Home attendant said that after publishing his novel he didn't have money even to pay rent on time. She gave me $200 which he prepared for me as a New Year present and she found $500 more in his apartment. She gave me a key and left. I called my Russian roommate.

RUSSIAN ROOMMATE

He was born in Murmansk (north of Russia)and when he lived with me everything was really great, but then he left back to Russia and I was not lucky with roommates. Suddenly he appeared back. By that time I had a French composer as a roommate. He finished Sorbonne and played small harmonica. He didn’t wash the floor in his room and didn’t let me. It was a problem. Once I realized that he used my face towel as bathroom mat. It was a disaster. By some miracle I could get him out  and my Russian friend came in on time. I don’t know what I could do with that all by myself as Mother and brother decided to stay away…..
What is his Theme? I don't know. He helped everybody without  any selfish reasons, he liked cleanness, he liked people.....no, no Theme I can point on...just a great guy

FATHER in LAW

In Russia mother’s husband was an antiquarian and his friend was my future father in law- a very strong personality. He was the one survived from huge religious family from Ukraine, during WW2 because he was in war at age of 17 (in the same age my father –communist took away food from rich people during revolution.
Father in law was wounded and in the hospital he met his wife, my mother in law, the kindest person I ever met. They had 6 kids. Two of them  died. From 4 alive my husband was the only son and a very weak person. Our marriage didn't work. He needed somebody strong to manage him. I am a strong person, but cannot manage nobody. I ran away from marriage . He marriage somebody who managed him till the point that he was able to reject his own daughter. My in laws did everything for their kids, they help them leave the country.  They waited when children  settle down and  would be able to invite the parents. They waited pretty long. Finally they got invitation. By that time they lived in a poor and dangerous neighborhood. I visited them there.

Father in law had friends over and when he went to see them off somebody entered apartment, killed my mother in law and took the stuff they prepared for leaving the country. Father in law came to USA with a small bag. His 3 daughters from Canada never visited him I believe, so my ex-husband and his wife took care of him. All the years he spent here in a deep depression. Once my daughter and me visited him-we hardly recognized him

FUNERAL

When he died the Niece called me from Canada saying that her uncle (my ex husband) wanted to do cremation and that was forbidden by religious law.  Being religious person , she couldn't reconcile with it and asked for my help. I contacted Brother and get info myself. We organized it the right way All 3 Canadian's daughter (who he loved so dearly) didn't care much and was ready to sign cremation. Niece told her mother that if she'd sign she would never see her granddaughter (niece's daughter) again. So, cremation was concealed. Brother, Daughter and me came to Queens cemetery. It was huge. But the time we came to grave the coffin was in the grave. It looked awful. Besides the niece it was the youngest daughter with her husband (both dentists) The son didn't come. Some No any  prayer" was said as it was already said the day before in a funeral home. Cemetery workers closed the grave and left. So did the daughter with her husband. And we. In a month I order a prayer. I did hope that next year we at least do something together. Nobody ever mentioned that topic any more. The funeral was so awful, I was afraid something like that again when mother’s husband died.

But Russian orthodox priest approved cremation which was good because other way I'd not be able to afford anyway. Mother wanted to have nothing with that and refused even to come to funeral as being sick. She offered me $ 200 support though. Then I arranged a car which transferred wheeled chair and could bring her to Brooklyn and back home and she could pay those money. She refused anyway. Then I recalled my Canadian Niece and said "OK, you will not come to his funeral, I'll not come to yours". Then she finally agreed. I informed the rest of Flock and they came- Daughter and Brother giggling with each other. Brother made a speech saying bad things about the person in the coffin/ Those things were not true.
When I visited him last time he told me with some pride in his voice that he lived as a child and would die as a child

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up”.
Pablo Picasso

Brother accused Mother's husband in selfishness. He said that he never became an adult, never learned responsibility and poor Mother had to cope with just another child instead of devote her energy to us, her  children.....He said it with meanness next to the coffin.
I got furious. Brother knows very well about Mother's selfishness, hypocrisy and lying as well as it was completely her own choice about marrying that man , who tried to free himself from that marriage a few times, but every time she brought him back...
"Husbands more important than children" the motto she followed
 Brother likes to be a good devoted son, especially for show.
Mother tried to hug and kiss me publicly in front of people to express her gratitude for organizing funeral.....I managed to escape the performance.


WHO BECAME f MILLIONER?

After that Mother started to worry about things saying that everything fell to me. Probably they decided that the stuff would make me rich and they couldn't accept it of course.  Maybe brother worried.
When our biological father died Brother didn't come to funeral. I did everything myself. My Russian friend helped me. Father's 2 girlfriends helped me. Mother refused to help, but came to funeral to show her grief. At that time I was in a very hard financial situation. My daughter had a seizure in day care (from having flues and treating them with antibiotics.  I was afraid to leave her alone, so worked only part time. 5000 rubles which father left behind and what I could get in 6 months could be a good help for that hard time and I really waited for them.......When time came I've learned that Brother took his half. Everything regarding the relatives are so negative and unsupportive and almost hostile
Now they took a daughter to their side.
But if in socialism I had help from friends and sometimes just from people –in capitalism I lost that support and things worked different way closer to “a person to person-a wolf” as I remember from soviet school