Poem from the Fifth Corner

MURDER of the SOUL

Murder of the soul?
If there is a court for it?
A hearing, a punishment ,a sentence?

What differenceсеt does it make?
A body or a soul?

We cherish body
But what about soul?
The body is alive
But what is it for body
With no soul then?

Still we appreciate the body and human courts are all about that
I try to find a court which could appreciate a soul
But there is no address 
It probably does not exist at all.

I should create the one
And use it when I need
But who the judges would be there?
What laws to follow?
What kind of lawyers could do job?

I'll appointed the judge's seat to something
we call "human conscience"
But what that is? Lets try and see
I like that one
"the complex of ethical and moral principles
that controls or inhibits
the actions or thoughts of an individual"

It seems explain its all
For me as being plaintiff
It could be best of judges

And 3 defendants under name of "relatives"
to be responsible for crime of murdering my soul
I need a lawyer, somebody to trust
who would defend my soul in that trial
Somebody whose soul still not broken , but alive
Enable seeing things and right and wrong and good and bad
Some quality which were lost for me

We need to do some work
To see if we have case present to judge
We need to get together and see what is there

Dimmed eyes and no life in there any more
Dull slow thoughts and bitterness all over
The lawyer can observe
Preparing to look inside and meeting terrifying picture
Total destruction

"Where murder happened?"
His question was
"In Limbo, "
What were you doing there?
You told me Island was your destination 
I did not have a chance to get there on time
I rushed, but probably it was  mistake
And Limbo did not like it
That attitude
And wanted have revenge
I know so little about Limbo's rules
And those which I knew
I did not have conformity a lot
And Limbo does not like it
And wants revenge

The lawyer came and called himself a trust
I'm a Mr Trust, an outsider lawyer
We have a group , we don't belong to Limbo"
But where you located?
We are from Nowhere
And don't depend on Limbo's rules at all
Someone from group could see your story
And passed to me because
My name is Mr. Trust
And that is something you deprived completely
And that is what I wish to give you as my gift

Restoring soul is not an easy thing
And trust is one of main material to use
That is the reason group chose me to sent to you
I have another quality which could be very helpful
In situations similar to yours

I do x-ray, but not a body, but rather thoughts and feelings
My friends from group do other things
I do believe you could be very happy
With work we'll do for you

It sounds great
But fee must be expensive
I don't think capable I am to pay for it

There is no need to worry
We are not the Limbo's workers
And fee is different
As well as purpose is

What could it be?
Revival of the soul is payment which sufficient enough for us
You have to learn the values of our company
Which is not material and does not measure by dollars or euros

But what then could it be?
Restoring souls  is a great achievements
Awakened conscience is another one
We need a certain human spirit
Strong and pure to sustain ourselves

With no Limbo's values
We use another judgment
Things would be different
You could see

And if you are agree
We could start now
Without any waiting time
And start from story of the murder

Please understand
That everything to me is known
And purpose is to hear it from you
With words you chose
With feelings you apply

Try to relax and calm yourself
Before you start
Appreciate the quiet mind
Instead of boiling and exiting
Ready?
I brought delicious food for you and drink

Well, story could be long
I'm prepared to listen it forever
My patience endless and my time belong to you
Don't try to please me
Don't try to say right things
Or be afraid to say the wrong
I need to know "YOUR VERSION"
the way it is for you

OK, lets start
I think I'm ready to begin
I still afraid of judgment

Lets offer you my little help
As task is not that easy
I wish the process could be not hard for you
But rather was inspiring

We need to make a picture
Or rather few of them
To see what led to murder

You right, this way it should be better
Some words already coming
And asking for palette  to paint my life
Lets look at them

Betrayal -purple would be one
And judgment -orange-would be second
Afraid the picture would be dark and gloomy
But maybe not

There is some beauty in sadness and frustrations
Depending what the meaning is attached to it
But meaning is an always changing thing

I do have problem to nail it forever
It has a tendency to  slip away from me
The only stable view
To look from Limbo point
When things are being permanent enough
And changes not expected there

More color-words  for my palette
My relatives, eternal curse of mine
The most stable Limbo thing
I fought whole life and seems still do

My way of fighting changed
As well as purpose
And many other things got different names
Still.....
Nothing changed in Limbo
All efforts came in vain
Seems all the same, the same, the same

I leave all fighting
Let it go...and so what?
What left?
Before it was a hope
For things to change
That hope is dead now
And what instead?

And Limbo wins
Its rules are strong
Fake things prevail
Around me at least
And real ones are dead
And cannot be revived

I tried create another things
I failed everything
Was life of mine for nothing?
That is a devastating thought

Allow me to help you
To move things through
You seems like stuck
In place which dark and hopeless
With no light at all

Lets start from the beginning
You said the relatives have fault
In murdering your soul
Lets take a close look at them

OK, lets start with mother
For millions of people
This word connect to most
Precious feelings in the world

It's love and kindness,
Security, protection, care
And many other words
Filled with the light and warmth

What are my feelings
Connected to word "mother"?
They all are brown
And some of them are black

Hatred and despair
And rage and helplessness
And wish at least one time
To really be heard and understood

To see desire to understand
Support, to help, no criticize
Not blame or shamed
I searched for it by years
And tried to find a way
For her to see it….but.in vain

I did not want believe the Limbo's rule
I wanted to believe I could
Change things
I tried to fight
The Limbo's basic rules
Which strong in people's minds
And what psychologists
Repeat with every case

"You cannot change your mother"
It sounds as a sentence
Depriving you the slightest hope
For seeing things improved

Well, it always was like that
And never "mother" had
A nice response in you
Lets dwell to very past

You right, at the beginning it was different
I had a Mother and had good feelings towards her
Until she  married and pleasing husband
Became a big priority to her

Her husband actually became the child who needed most care
He was creative nature, a genius by his beliefs
Poet and artist with no appreciation
He managed highly appreciate himself

He was obsessed with women’s body
And actually tried to say the truth
To break through soviet attitude
The most Soviet women carried

You probable remember
The famous words a Soviet woman
Once declared in open air for everybody heard
“In Russia we don’t have the sex….”

We did not talk about that
But mother’s husband did
Displaying interest to my body
And being outraged by my reaction

Whatever happened
Conflicts and quarrels
And constant tension and the rest
The mother was by husband’s side
And I was by myself

The opposition rose
Defend herself
You need attack another party
And that is how things are

We did attack each other
And made a confrontation
A constant thing
Involving others

I was not easy going
By character and disposition
My mother quickly labeled it
Referring to her former husband
My father who was bad

I clanged to brother
We formed a team support each other
And be good friends
Together against the mother
With husband hers

But still depression came
I could not handle it
And took a bunch of pills
And ended up alive

I was ashamed and criticized
By relatives, but mostly I was impressed
My mother’s husband’s words

“You think you proved the point?
Don’t think like that at all
As soon you got in hospital
Your brother opened music
And mother did her things as nothing happened

The message was too clear
And it was true and loud
That nobody cares
But it was not my goal
But rather was the reason

And four decades of life
Made no changes either
It was a kidney stone
And very bad infection
And hospital in USA
And daughter and grandkids
But nobody cared

I got a phone call
“How are you feeling?”
And brother made a visit
And mother made a call
But nothing was a real, a genuine care
As felt when I was talking with coworker mine
-------------------------------
PART 2
I talked to Gregory lately a lot
Trying to pull him in world of mine
When things should be clear
And making some sense

As deprived as I am
Navigating device
Which would take me through Limbo
Still wanting be whole

I'm looking alternative ways to survive
Still make sense from my own existence
And the moments I feel that I break into pieces
I start torture some people to help me with meaning

They do resist intensely
To that idea foreign
And usually end up pushing back me
To their own Limbo
Where things are very messy
And everything is gray

The Gray is such salvation
They  hold for it intensely
And use it as a shield
From any of your effort
To find some little clarity
Or differ  right from wrong
 
And if you search for ground
Some kind of foundation
To built on it some shelter
Escape the own life
And not be suffocated
By its debris and dust

You want to breath the air
You long for real thing
When all illusions failed
In front your own eyes

And recipe is simple
As usual the same
The Great Gray
Your salvation
You need become The Gray

Stop being who you are
And please stop being real
And learn the skill of faking
If care is result

The message pretty loud
You need to stop believing in things
Make sense for you
And start to be somebody
With only main beliefs

There is not good not evil
Not right and no wrong
And never, never, never
To use the word of” truth”

If want you have relation
The weather you discuss
And all the other subjects
Avoid as much you can

And that is pretty funny
If “funny” is right word
Because that is exactly
What do I  in OHEL