Recovery from Bipolar p. 1

MEDICATION SOLUTIONS

It’s now scientifically proven that many antidepressants bring person to suicide mood (it was not known when my Bipolar started and relative made me feel ashamed for that)
Being on American Bipolar forum and learning people’s experiences I’ve learned that for many people Bipolar circle starts with a regular depression (often in youth) and wrong medication treatment takes them to state of Mania and the vicious chicle starts. I think for me insulin shocks and sulphasin gave a good start
When I first applied to Dr Hallem –experienced  psychiatrist and psychologist in a state of depression he gave me antidepressant Celexa which took me out of depression for 2-3 weeks  and brought me to high state of mania. (Maybe at that time in USA also didn’t know that Bipolar depression should not be treated with antidepressant only. Then Dr. prescribed me Depakote . I got tremendous appetite, started rapidly to gain weight and severe insomnia started. Then he prescribed me something else to handle mania and I felt that I was returning to the state of depression

PSYCHOLOGICAL SOLUTIONS

On the psychological part Dr. H tried to explain me that I cannot be without Mania the same way as alcoholic cannot be without alcohol.(which was not true as I live without manias for long time already and have no problem with it)  I was not agree with him then, because Manias was exhausted mainly because of severe insomnias. As a solution to my situation Dr. H suggested me “to be like him”. He tried to convince me that it was good to be like him-he is a good guy, a lot of people are seeking for his help and he tries to help everybody. And he really was very nice and smart person. I have to add here that from many  professionals I worked with he was the only one who once called me after we stopped working already and asked how I had been. That was unusual. Once I asked my Main psychologist Henry after we had problem and stopped working
-Why you never wonder how I was doing? When we stopped working I was in a very bad state…
He explained that they were not allowed which meant as from business perspective. But it was not true as he didn’t work for the System already. Obviously he didn’t care…or….did not want to know about the result of his involvement in person’s life. But its true that System teaches that way. Professionals should not form any kinds of attachment to a client even if that client is a small child. Professional should do his work
Although I did believe that it was good to be like Dr. Hallem when everybody loves and respect you, but he could not explain me how to achieve it
He said “Just be like me!” which put me in some psychological stupor as there was no explanation of “how” one person can be as another person and basically it was not realistic idea from any perspective. So, our work came to dead end psychologically and I didn’t want to continue playing with medications. I told him that when I’d have a depression I’ll come back to him and left.

BIPOLAR vs my BIPOLAR

I did that because my depressions were really dangerous as non-treated they led me to suicide, while my Mania was just exhausting for me, but not dangerous. I had a lot of creative ideas, too much energy which led to probably bothering people trying to put idea to life. It was mostly idealistic ideas for improvement of environment around my own life and people I related to and ideas was kind of non-popular, unusual, often ahead of time or out of mainstream. If compare to my Daughter’s Bipolar for her Manias was dangerous. Unfortunately professionals don’t consider that and I have a lot of experience with such attitude. There is no trust to a person with Bipolar as it consider that critical ability is missing
Beside by that time I already got many tools to deal with insomnia by healthy life style and was working on creating better place to channel my energy and stream of ideas

IMPORTANCE of ATTITUDE

At that time big changes happened in my life as my Daughter got married and moved to another state for permanent living.
Here I have to bring up the psychological part of my Bipolar which based on my own experience I consider the MAIN reason compare to chemical component-Attitude
One of the  reasons of my first depression was the fact that I was not raised in a good and caring family. My mother slogan was “husband is more important than children” Her husband was not our father. Also my mother always defended my brother, but I was usually blamed for everything. So I remember all following depressions were about guilt and shame for that guilt. My mother helped to increase that guilt blaming me for being in depression, for losing weight and she didn’t have patience to listen my depressive talk about my sins responding with irritation “ just do not do those things anymore” One of horrible sin in my depressive mind for example was “I married my husband without love”
When we escaped relatives and started to live with my Daughter her attitude was the opposite to my mother. First of all for whatever reasons she really loved me which for me means acceptance the way I was (and I’m not an easygoing person at all) and care

Daughter learned to understand me and she did not like my depressions. During my depressions her attitude was the opposite of my mother’s. She patiently discussed with me “my sins” and explained me that they were not sins-maybe mistakes. Anyway her attitude was very healing for a depressive person. My 15 years working experience in psychiatry supports that. Daughter never treated me as a sick person. It was just her mom who got into depression and suffered from insomnia during Ups periods and Daughter tried to do her best to help her mom. That right attitude created a basis for recovery and was a big turning point.
So when she got married and I started to do deep investigation into my Bipolar I already had that experience with “my mother vs my daughter different attitudes” which gave me something to build on it.

EVERYTHING DEPENDS!!!

At the same time as I started to get myself free from Bipolar
my Daughter with help of relatives started to get into it.  We are talking about psychological component here. Sure a person can have a chemical predisposition to the illness, but it can never starts. Everything depends!!!Now seems official version of Bipolar started to change. A psychological trauma now seems plays an important role in professional perspective. I think it could be a battle for “сферы влияния» «дети лейтенанта Шмидта» and so on. Its still very strong attitude “Bipolar? Go to Psychiatrist”
I figured it out of my own based on my life experience with different attitudes to my illness by mother and daughter. And then observing my daughter Bipolar story. So after I handled the psychological part, the physical part was just “a piece of cake” consider even the permanent stressful situation and “Mother’s attitude” from everywhere

HATRED PLANTED by RELATIVES

Here is how it happened in life of my Daughter. When she got married and relatives got an opportunity to influence her and fulfill their vendetta
In Daughter’s words

“We would not have as many problems between the two of us, if we had no other relatives. Learning to trust my mom inwardly is not the biggest challenge, and I hope I'm improving at it. It's when other relatives are involved that things become really terrible.  None of our relatives (except for one) likes my mom.  Worse, most of them hate and fear her, and THEY TRY TO CONVINCE ME of the SAME
 And my biggest enemies, short memory and soft character  always let me down.  Relatives would start giving me specific examples, showering
me with nasty details, and I wouldn't remember exactly how this or that happened, so I would not be able to defend my mom. I would decide,” OK, everyone stays with his own opinion, they think what they want about her, but I know better, since no one lived with my mom as long and as close
as I did.  But that's not the end. What usually happens is that I FALL  under relative's influence and eventually start believing that my mom is doing things incorrectly, that she is doing me or other people harm, that she is a nasty person, etc.   And I HATE MYSELF  for this.
So, relatives planted HATRED for HERSELF in Daughter’s psychic

Why relatives started to do it is not easy to explain. My daughter's life was not an easy one. Her father who was afraid of his new wife simply refused to accept her as a daughter, she didn't have any siblings. For  7 years we lived alone nobody from relatives ever cared about her. And when she got married they decided to "get part in her life" by trying to convince her what a terrible person her mom was.
To me its deeply morally retarded Monsters…..but from society perspective the Monster is me as I had a Bipolar. Relatives used us both to their own Egos and that is obvious

WHAT HUSBAND PLANTED

Husband started persuaded her that she is nothing without a mother, that mother decides things for her and tried by different ways to put her down
I think she did it under influence of her own very controlling mother trying to be free from her and feel himself as “a real man”
Он понял что мама-это не единственное Зло, что я тоже хороша-он даже не думал об этом раньше
But the FACT is that he damaged Daughter’s psychic. She started to get depressions with that kind od theme

Человек-это это его воспоминания, его мысли и решения, это его черты характера-доброта, честность, аккуратность. А я-памяти у меня нет, я всё забываю, воспоминаний нет. Мысли и решения у меня меняются смотря с кем я свяжусь, очень зависят от других. И черты характера тоже зависят от других. Вот и получается что как человек я не существую, нету меня.

POPULAR  BIPOLAR VERSION

Official version is very convenient from many angles and very convenient for relatives of mine. When my Daughter got into the hospital her uncle -my brother Cain declared : " She got sick because she lived with you”. They managed not only to influence negatively my life.....which is OK, because they hated and feared me, but they managed to harm a life of my daughter -a person they claimed they loved for her personality. Among our relatives the word "LOVE" took a very strange form

But what the reason for relatives to start to put in the mind of my daughter the opposite image of her mom is a big question. Trying to get revenge, to get even with me. For that they hurt my daughter and it started to grow as snow ball. Her husband joined that company, and then he involved other people

SOCIETY NEEDS SICK PEOPLE

Relatives made my Daughter officially sick. More then that they even made her publically known officially sick person, probably making her believe that in USA the attitude to all people are equal. Fake society-fake ideas.
More than that. Relatives got very angry with my claim to be free from the illness . They threatened to start treating me mandatory. As it was not easy to fulfilled in America they decided to lock me in prison
And those people are supported by society and their behavior consider acceptable. That I learned in details on Russian psychological forum

And that is very sad
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I saw movies back in Russia.  Foreign movies, called "Light and shadow."   There was a young beautiful woman, a bit sick nervously.  And to one person (I forgot who it was, let's say her uncle) it was profitable that her sickness increased, and that she, herself, start believing that she is mentally sick.  And he started influencing her in a very subtle manner.  And there was another young man who fell in love with her and who saw that her uncle was influencing her in a bad manner.  The young man realized how difficult it would be to convince her in the opposite, but he slowing started doing that.  He started telling her that she is healthy, started showing her light, as opposed to her uncle who was telling her that shadow was very good.  And he finally won the battle because he was able to distract her from dark thoughts, to entertain her to make her interested in other things, etc.