Unwritten Rules and Laws

NEEDS for CLARIFICATION

I visited that therapist already for a few times discussing that little issue. “People response to my need for clarity”.
Therapist explained I cannot ask for clarity or any kind of answers, because it consider “pushing”
I have a problem living in ambiguity. I need  answers to questions which bother me. Seems I’m trying to solve it with the right people….but still  that considered wrong according to therapist explanations .  I could not get any assumptions about  people ambiguous  answers because it also was considered wrong and so on and so forth.  Nothing became more clear to me from those visits and every time I thought “this would be the last time”, but…. every time I still got some idea to try in order to get at least something useful. I don’t give up easily on Therapists

The last visit we finished like that-nothing  could be done  about the  situation we discussed , because therapist didn’t know all those people involved , but  I didn’t know most of them myself. It was email exchanged which were studying during sessions.  But it was a basis why therapist  could not give me any advice or recommendation….
However,  she could help me to deal with my frustration from that situation, because she knows better then me how to do it.
That made a sense to me and I got a hope  that maybe all those visits would give me something  new and useful eventually. As the time of session was over we put “dealing with frustration to next time”

DEALING with FRUSTRATION

And so next week I came fresh and prepared to learn how to deal with frustration. I’m always eager to learn new things especially in that area. I put myself comfortable in my usual place in the right corner of  the couch and said looking  straight at  the therapist
-“Dealing with frustration!”
She stared at me with the question over her face “What are you taking about?”
Sure it was rather bold of me as I was a teacher announcing the topic of the lesson.  I also noticed that therapist (unlike others) never supported my attempts for a small talk like the weather outside, so I was very glad to go straight to the point. With others I tried to cut out their small talk stuff as my time is running fast and I did not want to spend it for discussing the weather and felt being not polite with them.  But seemed here it also did not work
“Last time you said that today we would  discuss how to deal with frustration” -I tried to explain better
 “What do you feel frustrated about?” she asked me calmly
It was as a bomb to me and my reaction was rather emotional
“What do you mean? I told you so much about that in our  talking, reading, bringing email exchange with those people and now you ask me what my frustration is about?”
“ Tell me again” she said still calmly
“O, no” my voice started to raise. It not the first time I raised my voice on her and every time it was the same reason-her asking me to repeat the same things over and over. “No, thanks, I cannot tell the same stuff again. I already told you everything.
“What did you tell me? What exactly you are frustrated about?”
I started to lose  my temper (heck, at least I’m allowed to lose temper with the paid therapist!”.)
“Here” -I took out the email exchange which we were studying and discussing last time,”-“ Here, emails, don’t you remember?”
“Read them to me”
“But we read them already, last time, the same stuff” I was probably already screaming, because she also changed her “no emotion” attitude and became emotional
“Don’t scream at me. I don’t like being screamed at. I’m too sensitive. I cannot tolerate screaming”……So my assumptions that I can screamed with paid therapist was wrong although all therapists tell clients to show their emotions.

CLAIR

 At the same time  it was so much similar to Clare, the woman from the residence for people with mental and psychiatric  problems where I used to work.  Claire used her sensitivity  as her main weapon against things she did  not like. Claire had a hard history . She was born in England , her parents got divorced and put baby Clair by each other’s doors. Parents didn’t want her as they try to make their own lives work and they didn’t have  there a space for Claire . So, eventually Social System took care of her life….
To see the licensed therapist  behaving exactly as Clare was very funny and it quickly calmed me down . I took emails which involved the least ambiguity about it and started to read it….again.

The main issue in emails was t my exchange with a person from on my work,   She was given an assignment from a very big  boss to find clients for my program. I sent all necessary info she asked and waited for result. In 2 weeks getting  no response  I asked her how things were going. I did explain  her that I needed to know that in order to decide how to proceed further
She apologized for not coming back to me, saying that she did not have any luck so far and suggested to resume the issue after the Holiday , which was about 2 months later. I already shared with that therapist my negative experience with “call me after one Holiday, then after next one and so on”, which usually resulted in nothing

Naturally,  I was not satisfied with “after Holiday “suggestion. I asked the woman to give me more details of  her “I didn’t have any luck” answer. Those “details” could bring some clarity to my issue and could  be the answer to my questions….if those details exist. If they would not exist, it meant simply that my issue was just pushed away.  To change it  I needed to be more pushy after the Holiday . I did not want to be more  pushy-it was consider wrong. Besides for pushing I needed to know the situation and people participated in it. In this case I knew nothing at all-only   those few short emails. The quest for details of “I didn’t have any luck” brought no response and now with the therapist we again was studying that emails related to that issue  for the purpose of “dealing with frustration”

But after I finished reading the therapist again asked me innocently “What frustrated you there?”
I decided to go to the end and get what I was promised last time -“how to deal with frustration”
“I’m frustrated with dealing with people. Here is an example”
“What exactly frustrated you there?”….She asked for the paper and started to study it herself
“ I did everything in order not to be frustrated. I was polite as you could see from emails, very short, straight to the point, I gave my info the  same day, I spent time on it, I waited for 2 weeks before asking  for result, so I’m frustrated with her attitude”

She looked into email and said “but she told you to wait after Holiday”.  And I started to loose my tempter again
“ We already discussed with you what “after Holiday” means in that situation, especially that she ignored my last email with quest for details of “no luck”
Therapist  said that it was wrong of me to make an assumption that she just pushing me away, although the last visit we discussed that seemed it was a case there.
So, I raised my voice again and she started to shame me- she was there to help me, but I’m screaming at her
That made me to come down and say
“OK, so what to do with frustration I have from that interaction?”
She said I needed to make a plan. My mistake was my wrong negative assumptions. I made the wrong assumption that she just pushed me away and she would not come back to me after Holiday. If I’d not do that negative assumption, and would keep it neutral , then I would not be frustrated .
OK, if not consider that I depended from on that result,  then therapist’s theory made sense. So, I agreed and asked what would be the next step. Wait without  frustration for 2 months when the Holiday would be over……“And then what?”
“Then we’ll see. We don’t know yet”
I jumped up again
“What we don’t know? We know. It could be either positive result or no positive result. Nothing more exist. With positive everything is clear, but what to do if negative?
“We will talk about that in April after the Holiday” was the response and that made me to scream at her again-she again “обвела меня вокруг пальца”
“No, tell me now. Tell me what I’ll do in April, if result wouldn’t be positive and I’ll be frustrated. You said you know better than me how to deal with frustration, so show me how…and I’ll use it in April.!!!
“ You are too demanding and pushy. You don’t have a right to scream at me. See, I’m  calm. You should not tell me how I’m supposed to do my work….”
Well, my hoped to get at least something useful from that therapist was in vain.  I gave her a lot of sorry, telling her that I warned her at the beginning , that I was not good candidate for therapy, etc, etc. And we parted with polite fake smiles.

RULES and LAWS

It felt good. At least I kept my own rule “part nicely when there will be no further communication. At least a person would not sent the negative energy. But which laws I broke during that encounter with the therapist?  And what is next?  I wanted and insisted to get clarity, I pushed for the answers……Did I got at least some answer?
Back to Kafka, when a person is guilty for breaking something he doesn’t know what
“Ignorance towards the law doesn’t free a person from be responsible for breaking that law”

In a few years later I tried to find out from police investigator what kind of law was applied to me. His answers we contradictory and out of logic and eventually I was accused very clearly already with the threat….for trying to find out what exactly the law was legally applied to me
 I’m always accused of breaking rules/laws, but I accused even much harder for any attempt to find out those rules/laws I should not break…That is how a person with autistic way of thinking becomes a Scapegoat